lamaze

okay friends. i am about to get real on a whole new level. and i'm scared to do that. because once these words leave my mouth-- er, fingertips-- they become real. and that, is scary. enough weed whacking or whatever (beating around the bush, there it comes. i'm a little slow these days). here goes.

i might go to teach in Haiti.

and i leave all those lines for the deep exhale i have to take to even type such a thing. it sounds absurd. and crazy. and ...what?! trust me, i know. i think those every time since this crossed my mind a few days ago. its a long story, and, although its not likely featured on E! news, you can read it here.

*preface* this is the first time i've put this out there. i've only spoken these thoughts to two people, and not even in great detail. so bear with me as i orchestrate my thoughts. also, please please please do not be offended if this is how you find out. in fact, feel honored that i'm allowing (wow, that sounds prideful-- totally not meant to) you to share in these intimate thoughts and prayers between me and the Lord. i contemplated keeping it a complete secret until i felt an answer one way or another, and i've done that in other situations where its been perfect and right. but with this one, i think accountability is a big thing. i feel like the less i talk about it, the less likely i am to actually do it. so i do plan on talking about it, and soon, but i just need to give God time to get there.

***

a few days ago, while refreshing the sub-finder page, oh, 3940845 times, i started looking on craigslist. under anything and everything. i wound up looking at costa rica, where my dad has a place. i saw a few teaching opportunities and thought, well, i could do that if nothing comes up. at least i'd get experience. talking to my roommates the next morning, they both said they could see me do something like that.

fast-forward, quite slowly however, and i wound up googling international opportunities. on an ESL mecca site, i saw a post for teaching in Haiti. and thats when i felt like one of those tomato trucks from palmetto slammed right into me. duh. haiti.

i began praying about it, and spent the majority of yesterday researching, praying, and starting to fill out an application. i thought i must be crazy, but this is why it makes sense:

since i started blogging after i returned to nashville from arkansas, i've deemed this period in my life as "the waiting time" or some close synonym. i've said that even though frustrating, i feel like the Lord purposed this time in my life; that i'm being forced to be still against my will, and trying to learn everything he's teaching me through this. i feel like had this waiting time not been taking over my life, i would have missed this. the standstill allowed for me to focus my attention on whatever His call may be, and to not have any excuse (i'm still in school; i just got a new job; i'm waiting to hear back about an offer; i've got this commitment) to NOT go.

i began thinking about what i would be comfortable doing time-wise. i know its not about comfort, but i do know this is not a full-time call, nor have i ever felt led that way with any of my trips. so practicality-wise, i was feeling like through june. which gives me a chance to get back, and hopefully interview for positions here during july. and it gives me experience teaching, something i'm having a really difficult time getting here.

right now, i'm in the process of figuring it out. i want to make sure that this is what God wants, and isn't any form of me taking the easy way (really?) out, or running from dealing with life (pouvons-nous dire Paris?) or any form of mal-intention. in praying, or whatever that was, earlier i kinda just said to God- first, if this wasn't right, you wouldn't let me go. and secondly, if isn't the best of what you had for me, going to serve can never be bad... right?

it's all very surreal typing this and knowing people are going to read it and its going to become real. i want to talk to you all about it; trust me. and please please please don't take offense. i haven't even mentioned it to my mom (whom i talked to for the first time since i left to go to arkansas, and i have yet to even mention the break up to her; it don't want her to worry about me. because she does; a lot. that's an entire other blog). in fact, the first person i even made mention to, was someone i've only met once, and through facebook. i just read yesterday that she is going to do something similar and i was asking for her details.

i can't say one way or another if this is something that is going to happen. at this point, its just a prayer. i've got an application to send in, i'm waiting to hear back from another outlet in Haiti that i've contacted via YWAM, and am waiting for details about another school on the island when the teacher gets there in a week. i am just saying that i am open to going where i feel led by the Lord. after all, thats how i ended up in Nashville.

the big things i need prayer on right now are: details and finances. i will likely be raising support; which means humbly asking my friends and contacts to provide my income. i will have bills back here to be paid while i'm gone; but to be honest, i'm really just trusting God with it and don't seem too worried. i'm humbled to think of having to raise support through june, and feel like the way i need to approach that is to just seek a small monthly contribution, like $5 a month pledge of financial support to earn a living while i'm there. i also need prayer for direction. if God leads me to an opportunity here, then thats great. and if i feel like it is right, i'll accept it. i have in no way felt committed to this idea yet. i'm just making sure i'm free to go where God leads.

thank you so so so much for your prayers, and if you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to leave them here. i will definitely be keeping everyone posted. remind me to just breathe.