mon-two

this is an addendum to my previous BG post. i felt like the overall tone would be compromised (which might have been a good thing, seeing as how the last entry read like an eulogy) if i made these points within; therefore, i've decided they are best fit for their own post. hesitant to start, this might be better further broken in two; no sadistic, self-inflicted pun intended.

***

my body is physically fatigued. my mind, exhausted. i find myself unable to even skim through text, and have yet to even begin reading the edge-of-your-seat sequel "sweet little lies" by the famed lauren conrad.

the plethora of emotional and spiritual tumultuousness (oh, don't worry. it's a legit word. ask webster.) i've experienced today could likely rival moving away from home, being present for my nieces birth, and meeting hanson. no, i'm serious; and it hurts that you laugh.

but the encouragement, the empowerment, even the (dare i say:) exhilaration!

confiding in, sharing with, and flat-out bawling to lauren this morning was hard. i'm human. which is my prideful way of saying, it's all about pride, ya'll. being vulnerable and open and exposing my wounds in a here-i-am-again way is embarrassing. especially because it's not the first- or even second- relationship in which has granted my heart season passes to brokenheartsville. but it's true. i struggled a lot with opening up about it this time, because i'm afraid of the i-told-you-so's, the agains?, and the i-thought-you-thought-this-one-was-"different?" i concede. you win. you're right, on all fronts. but, so am i. (and with that i'm done defending my pride, and am seeking your future forbearance.)

digressing, i felt such righteousness in the convo with lo. to watch and listen as she recounted her own pain, to see her take on my tears as her own; i was beyond blessed by the example of christ-like friendship she exhibited, i was sheerly blown away. the presence of pain was real, in both of us. fortunately, the presence of the Lord was bigger.

i came home, cried some more. talked about why i was hurting, while crying, and then cried some more. realized i had yet to eat all day, and ventured out for a breather and bite to eat (and LC's new book, on sale at target!). such a heaviness still overwhelmed my heart.

as i was sitting down at my computer, and not even feeling inspired to blog, i received a text from christina. it was Psalm 51:17 (although i'm citing the NLT):

the sacrifice You desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

(for sake of context, the verse prior was: You do not desire a sacrifice, or i would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering.)

i did a parallel text comparison with the message bible which read:

Going through the motions doesn’t please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice. (Psalms 51:16-17, MSG).

i'm astounded for a few reasons: the most notably, that was just what i needed. how good is that!? the Lord wants my broken spirit; He will not reject my calls. but even more encouraging/comforting/relieving is the message version; cut out the bible-speak and get on-the-reals with me.

when my pride was shattered, i learned to worship the lord without just lip-service.

God is entirely attentive to the fact that my life is heart-shattered and ready for love. i am overwhelmed by the audacity of this verse, and the truth and comfort i find in it.

i'm also overwhelmed that the Lord knew exactly what i needed to hear, exactly how i needed to hear it. through christina, the Lord was able to speak to my heart. and through her i also witnessed such a tremendous blessing and example of christ-like friendship.

today, i've realized my worth to the Lord.

He loves me so very much that not only would he reveal that to me through his word, but through the loving actions, relationships, and people surrounding me. and i don't believe for a second that he is not glorified and delighting in each small, yet magnificent, word/act/prayer they offer on my behalf. i am truly blessed, and it is moments like this that i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my God is my Creator, my Healer, my Savior. He is personified in the loving and lasting relationships that He has carved out and blessed in my life. a Galatians 6:2 call to bear each other's burdens is exhibit in their authentic response to my pain and struggles.

John 15:12 "this is my commandment. love each other in the same way that I have loved you. there is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends ... now you are my friends, since i have told you everything the father told me. You didn't choose me, I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. this is my command: Love each other."

possibly the most poignant verse to me is the most unassuming. now you are my friends, since i have told you everything the father told me (v. 15b). i feel like this is my call even to writing this blog; that what the Lord reveals to me daily, through my triumphs and struggles, is only for me to pass along. that it is my duty to share that with you, so that you, too, may be enlightened; although foregoing the pain and grief it took me to arrive at such revelation.

this is my command: love each other (John 15:17, NLT). preceded by John 13:34, love each other. just as I have loved you, you should love each other. and even dating back to the jewish faith in OT times with love your neighbor as yourself in Leviticus 19:18. Further comparison of the Hebrew used for neighbor in the last quote seems to refer to a close companion, a fellow Jew (of like-mind/spirit).

we know from the aforementioned scripture that God clearly insists that we love one another, and 1 Corinthians 13 is the most famed reference regarding what Godly love should look like. i don't believe it is limited to romantic love, or even forever love. i think it should be our mantra for every decision, every action.

what does a 1 Corinthians love look like? patient. kind. forgiving. rejoiceful. perseverant. trusting. hopeful. enduring. what is it not? jealous. boastful. proud. rude. demanding. irritable. faithless.

in their efforts of just 'being-a-friend', my friends have shown me that they don't only answer the call of the Lord to love; it resembles a 1 Corinthians' caliber of love.

how could i not get off this roller-coaster feeling exhilarated and encouraged?