and He saw that it was good.

the Lord has been stirring in my heart today in the most lovely of ways.  at each thought of his love and mercy, with each song resounding of His grace poured out over us, undeservingly; with each moment i felt Him intimately pursuing the depths of my heart. 

i can't explain it, but i'm up for a challenge, so i'll try.  as i've thought about His goodness and lovingkindness today, i've felt my insides crumble.  not in a walls-of-jericho sort of way, but more like a wobbly-knees sort of way.  not crumble out of fear, anxiety, or the weight of all my sin.  but more like becoming undone as His love is manifest within my spirit.  

each song that came across pandora today, and there were too many to recount, played to my subconscious as a transcendent reminder from heaven that we are to meditate on that which is true, righteous, noble, and good.  He absolutely is enamored with each of us, and has created us to fulfill a unique purpose that only we can fulfill. 

i attended the wedding of a guy i've been good friends with for about 9 years now this past weekend in Florida.  it was a glorious, enchanting wedding, set on the shores of a private lake in the backyard of the bride's family ranch in central florida.  it was country as country comes; rather, as elegant as country comes, and then some.  bales of hay and burlap replaced church pews or folding chairs.  the alter was simply a few tree stumps supporting the unity candle and some mason-jar centerpiece decor.  the bridesmaids all wore seersucker (and it looked lovely, might i add!), and changed from formal footwear into cowboy boots for the after-ceremony photo-shoot with the photographer.  but the jaw-dropper was the bride (did i mention how stunning, flawless, and gorgeous she was?!) and her father arrived to the aisle in a white, horse-drawn carriage?  it was simply out of a fairy tale. 

i'd be lying (and denying that i am, indeed, in fact, a female) if i said this romance straight out of the pages of the likes of disney (i'd say shakespeare if it weren't for all the satire and suicide) didn't have me wondering when my own prince would ride in on his white horse and pledge to love me forever.

but the truth is, He already has.

hang with me here for a second as my brain rabbit trails to make a point (i promise, there will be a point buried beneath the behemoth tangent(s) to come):

remember Jonah? you know, that whole whale-thing?  what got him in the belly of a whale anyway?  oh, running from God; call it disobedience, call it sin, call it sheer-terror-of-what-God's-will-held, so-he-ran-the-opposite-way-and-God-caught-up-- oh you've never done that? right.  regardless of what you call it, this illustrates God's relentless love for us, elevating His will over our own.  you see, He knows every little intimate detail of your life-- past, present, and all to come.  and He loves each of us so much, that He would rather find us in the belly of a whale to bring us back to where He wants us, than pursuing opposite, or even anything other than, what He has specifically called us to.  that my friends, is passionate pursual by a God with our best interest in mind.  it was under His grace, mercy, and love that He sent the fish to swallow up Jonah.  have you ever found yourself lying in the belly of a whale?  on the corrective path? slightly ashamed that it took something like that to return your heart to its proper suitor? 

in an effort to love us, God wants His best for us.  not our standards of what we believe to be best.  not something "really great" we invent in our hearts and hold onto like a tattered picture that is now not much more than a faint memory.  He wants His God-ordained best for us.  and the truth is, only He truly knows what that is until He releases it into our stewardship and care. 

that sort of love is our Prince Charming coming to rescue us from what looks like our fairy tale, but often turns up to be a second-rate version of someone else's love story.  as we wait for our own love story to unfold, God pursues our heart, relentlessly, without tarry, never giving up from us even if we shy away, or run completely opposite of Him.  sometimes that pursual looks like a tender romance with our creator, other times, the belly of a fish. 

fortunately, this time, I'm not finding myself in the ocean for three days.  rather, i am safe upon the shore with my Prince.  the one that has saved me from my sin and myself; the one that is constantly transforming my heart, to be able to give and receive love in the purest, most selfless way that He himself has served as an example to.  in His gentle ways, the Lord has been reminding me to trust in His timing and find satisfaction in the One who loved me enough to write my story with the blood of His son.  He has sacrificed it all in the name of His love for me.  not that i've earned it or even deserve it, and well before i accepted it.  in His mercy, extended for me, I can only hope that I continue to allow  the tenderness of his love to pervade my heart into a long-living satisfaction in Him alone.

*** the rabbit trail ends, but I'm not quite done. my eyes are though. goodnight for now. ***

heart check

i just read a passage in psalms on accident.  i meant to click on my facebook bookmark, but i carelessly hit the one for the YouVersion Bible, and apparently I left off reading in Psalms.  divine intervention or divine protection?

regardless of how i got there, it was a short passage and yet, it made me think.

8 Do not harden your hearts, as at Meribah, As in the day of Massah in the wilderness,9 "When your fathers tested Me, They tried Me, though they had seen My work.10 "For forty years I loathed that generation, And said they are a people who err in their heart, And they do not know My ways.11 "Therefore I swore in My anger, Truly they shall not enter into My rest. --Psalm 98:8-11

Wow.  i tend to err on the side of God's love and grace and mercy, and sort of gloss over the whole wrath thing.  I know that He vehemently hates sin because it screws up His image-bearing creation, but thinking that the God i know and love swore they would never know His rest?!  wow, that's pretty heavy stuff.

so i take into consideration what got them there in the first place.  they tested and tried the Lord, even though they had seen Him at work.  they hardened their hearts in the wilderness (which, at my bold and blind assumption because this was written in Psalms and not Exodus, that the wilderness is referring to the time he lead them out of Egypt, and across the Red Sea, and they spent their years wandering; again, not a Bible scholar). 

how do our hearts grow hard?  how do we test God, even though we have seen His faithfulness?  do we doubt Him with finances when He's provided miraculously before?  do we hold onto bitterness because we are in the right, even though He's shown us grace when He has every right to smite us?  In Romans, Paul writes that since the beginning of Creation, God's glory, power, and divinity have been clearly illustrated through the creation, and that we have no excuse to not see the evidence.  are we then still looking at His beauty and majesty reflected through the goodness of His creation and still doubting that He can move molehills in our own lives?

maybe i've grown comfortable in my faith, as I've turned over grievous behaviors and sinful nature over to the Lord; yet, I am not perfect.  i am still a sinner, trapped by the condition of sin that was born into this world after the fall of man.  i'm still selfish, and bitter, and don't favor my neighbor.  i am still lazy on saturday and gluttonous with chocolate, and i don't spend nearly as much time serving those lower than i.  but I know that is covered by grace at the cross, and He is growing me closer to who He intended me to be.  

this verse woke me up to remind me that it isn't so much the action of sin, stealing, lying, drunkenness, immorality, etc., that drives the Lord to loathing His people.  it is a condition of the heart, these verses tell us; as they have hardened their hearts, and were a people who err in their heart.  in 1 Samuel 16:7, God tells us that we don't see things the way He sees them; we judge based on outward appearance (or my loose translation of what we see, we get; actions included), but the Lord judges our hearts.

friends, how many of you look in a mirror sometime while getting ready, before you leave the house in the morning?  i'll admit, there have been a few days i hadn't realized until i got to school that i still had yesterday's eye make-up on (don't judge my outward appearance!).  but for most of us, we never leave the house without taking a look at the mirror and making sure our appearance is put together.  friends, i urge you to check your heart each day as you walk out the door as well.  seek out any tiny impurities that clog up filtration process.  trust that God is God, and what He said He will do, He will do.  do not harden your hearts; He longs to give you rest under His faithfulness.  live in fullness of that.

i just need to vent.

y'all, if we're keeping it real here, and i'm assuming we are, because i'm the only one talking, then i must confess that i had a terribly difficult day today.  this week in general hasn't been the best, but today was one of those over-bake-the-cookies-and-then-burn-your-knuckles-and-tongue, change-your-tail-light-only-to-realize-your-breaklight-is-out-too kind of day.

for the sake of maintaining some privacy in parent-teacher meetings (although I'm not certain what protocol is there), i'll just say that speaking with a parent today really left me quite discouraged and doubting my abilities as a teacher.  what stinks is, i know that not to be true.  i know that the parent, not due to ignorance or self-righteousness, wants her child to have the best education imaginable.  trust me, i do too.  i pour every ounce of myself into what i do, and then some.  i am at school for no less than 50 hours a week, sometimes more.  i know that she simply does not realize, at no fault of her own even, that it has taken every bit of the last 4 weeks to even get these kiddos to sit on the carpet, walk in a line, raise their hand, and make it to the bathroom in time.  i, too, wish we were into more challenging curriculum, but truth is, these kiddos just aren't ready for challenging curriculum.  kinders need time to fingerpaint, and work on letter formation, and sing a bagillion songs at the carpet, learning to count by 2's and 5's and 10's to the macarena.  they need to laugh and be silly and learn how to interact.

i struggle with this, because i've been wanting to get deeper and deeper with independence and daily 5 and they just aren't ready yet! and i also struggle, because even though there is concern that kindergarten is not hard enough, there is double concern from parents of students that are already struggling to keep up even at this point in the year.

how do you do it?  how do you span what is more like 3 different grade levels at the same time?  i am differentiating at small groups already, something i honestly struggled with until well into fall last year.  just yesterday, i felt so so encouraged by watching my kiddos segment and blend several CVC words with short a.  y'all don't even know how much i feel like a proud mama in moments like that, where their intelligence just shines and a connection has been made in their brain!

i have to remember those moments.  i have to allow them to remind me that i am making a difference. that i am doing my best.  that i am good at what i do.  Lord, grant me patience as i slowly lead these kiddos to academic independence.  allow me to grow and strengthen my talents, to learn from others and my mistakes, and to be a better teacher tomorrow than i was today.

faithful.

"you will see your past forgiven,
   you will feel your future rise.
you will see your passions driven
   I will redeem the tears you've cried.
I want you to dance among the nations,
   shout the cheers of a child's heart.
I long to grant you your desires,
  my beloved, this is just the start."

i was flipping through my journals and found this written in June of 2010 when i was in Haiti.  i scribbled it down in pink ink amidst lyrics to "How Great Thou Art," and an admonishment of my call.

looking back,  i have seen this prophesy become fulfilled.  i stand forgiven today, under the umbrella of grace and a humble heart.  i feel my heart ebb towards the shores of the future, with each tug a gentle reminder of His plans for me.  my passions, for teaching, for haiti, for Christ, for servanthood are full as the leaves on a strong magnolia before the hot summer.  and even in my tears, i have felt the comfort of the Holy Spirit as He moves within me.

these feet have danced on many a foreign soil; and just today, jubilation poured out of my mouth during carpet time and my kiddos are beginning to decode and construct words.

and to know that this is just the beginning?!  that God truly does have my desires in mind as He creates opportunities for me to serve His heart and bless His name?

i am in awe of the faithfulness of a Lord that cares so deeply about His children.  God, you are so good, and we are unworthy.  and that's the point.  you don't care.  it doesn't matter to you that you are just fine without us; you desire us anyway!

thank you Jesus, for your love.

don't eat the marshmallow

lately, i've been praying a lot for patience.  not specific to patience with my kiddos, or with myself, or with people even in general.  not with situations, not with issues.  but with jesus.  the song, "hungry" by joy williams has been my battle cry and prayer:

hungry

i come to you

for i know You satisfy.

i am empty

but i know

that Your love does not run dry.

so i'll wait

for You.

I will wait,

for You.

I'm falling on my knees,

offering all of me

Jesus, You're all this heart is living for.

there is something about this song that knocks me to my knees, literally; but in an expectant obedience rather than a painful, sacrificial waiting.

nearing 27, i would be lying if i said the thought that i am still single never crosses my mind in a world where people around me are getting engaged or changing their last names as quick and often as i change my facebook status (just a slight hyperbole on that one, but just hang with me for a few!).  sometimes, i find myself daydreaming what that world would even look like in my life.

this prayer or that song is hardly limited to my thoughts on dating and marriage.  that is just a small facet of where i am praying for patience.  with paying off my student debt, with feeling like i am fulfilling everything the Lord has called me into, with being prepared to go where He says go; i must wait.  and i must not lose sight that He truly is all my heart is living for.

this song reminds me that this journey is all about bringing Him glory through my passions and callings.  in heaven, (at least it is my assumption) that we will no longer have struggles in which we must be sure we rise to the occasion and bring glory to His name in the midst of our waiting.  the time and opportunity we have to point people to Jesus is limited to this very temporal moment on earth.  i am hungry for more opportunity to serve Him and spread His glory, and I often forget to do that in the very midst of where He has placed me to serve.

crying out and waiting for God also means not filling God-shaped voids with worldly things.  not trying to replace our hunger for Him and our need of His love with the love, acceptance, approval or even the encouragement of others.  it is about waiting until Jesus alone can fill those gaps, cleanse those wounds, and overflow our cup.

decades ago, a genius of a man began a study about our mental state of delayed gratification.  he placed four-year-olds in front of a marshmallow and left the room for 15 minutes.  he told them they could either eat the marshmallow then, or, if they chose to wait, they could have two marshmallows when he returned.  although this test could truly go a million different ways in this blog post, i will keep it simple, and just make the noted relationship that as we wait for Jesus, we get the better end of the bargain.  we get the two-marshmallows here.  sure, we have to wait.  and the temptation of that marshmallow right in front of us, that we could very well have, might be awfully strong.  but waiting for jesus and exactly what He has for us is ultimately a better deal, hands down.


friends, don't settle for just one marshmallow, when our Father in heaven wants to give you a bountiful blessing of His own design for you.  maybe you don't even like marshmallows, but the sugar seems awfully tempting.  wait for those chocolate chip cookies He is baking for you!  hold out, wait for full satisfaction in Jesus, rather than a cheap, convenient substitute.  in jobs, in relationships, in passions.  God didn't create you for mediocracy; and He certainly didn't create mediocre things for you!

puddle hopping

i sat by the chilly window and people-watched those dodging the blustery day.  the NYC city-streets stay busy, as if they never got the memo from mother nature.  i was safe from the drizzle, sipping my chai latte, snug in my leggings, leg warmers and boots.

okay, so i was day dreaming.  its still a warm 75 in Nashville, although this dreary day has allowed the temp to dip below 95 for the first time since spring.  so what if i was wearing flats, and getting in one last wear of white pants before Labor Day?  and i may have been sitting window-side at Target, enjoying some popcorn and a cold soda.  just small details, psh.

but i was people watching.  i love days like this.  the middle day of a 3-day-weekend, with the chance to be lazy-dazy and relax and sit and sip and not do a thing.  days like this inspire me to write; in fact, i've already written three times today.  and using my environment as my muse just makes writing that much more inviting.

i watched as a young dad walked across the slick asphalt to his car with his precious blonde toddler.  she was equipped in her rainboots, and for just a moment, the two of them stopped as he held her hand and she jumped smack-dab in the middle of puddle in the parking lot. a lady on her way to the store front smiled with her eyes, as if she too could feel the innocent joy of this young one.

when was the last time you jumped in a puddle?  when did we learn we should no longer puddle hop?  what about it became so annoying?  soggy socks?  slippery sandals?  did we decide that we don't really have the mere seconds to splash around?  or did we just altogether forget to look for the opportunity to stop and enjoy the beauty and joy around us?

we may not always take the time to smell the roses, so maybe on this dreary day we can take a moment to puddle hop.  it might be good for your soul.

can't wait to get those Hunter wellies for my birthday this month so i can splash without getting slimey toes :)