part 2 : dignity, a new fragrance by JC

(check below for the first original post! :)

on the other side of people watching, is being watched. it's hard not to feel judged, or insecure in your skin when you know eyes are on you. every time i got up for a refill or to use the restroom, and trekked across the cafe, i felt, and saw eyes look up as i passed. often times, if i'm underdressed, in gym clothes or the like, i feel like they are staring at me in disapproval. other times, if i am overdressed, i feel that their sharp glances are thinking that i'm trying to prove myself or over compensate. whatever it is, our insecurities convince us that everyone is plain and simple out to get us.

now, for the most part, i don't let my insecurities rule my life and my actions. the study we are doing has only brought the ones that i wasn't necessarily aware of out, front and center, for me to deal with. which has been a good, enlightening process i would say. it has made me aware of not only areas that i have been insecure about, but also what those insecurities might look like, as well as what might be the root cause of them in the first place.

and praise HIM, because i have noticed the more that i've been able to pinpoint, the more distant those issues have seemed. the Lord has helped me accomplish mountains upon mountains of growth in the past 10, 5, even two years! to think about where i used to be, what drove me, what hurt me, what hurt i hid; WOW! i am not boasting in pride of my own accomplishments; however, i am boasting in the redemptive grace of the Father that has lifted me, freely, out of hiding in the tight grasp of satan's lies and deceit into a place of vulnerability and light, grace and forgiveness, freedom and acceptance!

i think my challenge with strength and dignity (as referenced in Proverbs 31:25 and my previous post) is no longer just clothing myself in it (or rather, allowing Him to clothe me in it), but now is more or less related to making sure that i choose to wear it so that i properly reflect my confidence in the Lord.

people (and i say this to definitely include myself!) pass judgments (solicited or not) based on first impressions. hopefully that first impression even allows for conversation, but typically is based purely on appearance and demeanor. i am guilty as charged. i might automatically think "that person might be a good friend!" based shallowly on nothing more than the fact i admire the way she dresses. i might also conversely think that someone is a debbie downer based on a momentary scowl on their face (but really, who walks around with a huge smile on their face when they aren't even talking to anyone, let alone approaching anyone!?). i'm not proud of this instantaneous judgment, but i think (or would like to think) that it is just the way that we as humans process our surroundings as safe or dangerous.

all of that to say, i feel like once you have really allowed it to sink in that God has given you strength and dignity as your inheritance, that your new challenge is to wear it in such a way that it is immediately recognizable, even within those moments of first impressions. that's not to say that everyone will pick up on it, and say "wow, she's a Christian, and knows that she is loved dearly by the Lord!" just because you've walked in the room wearing a TWLOHA shirt, eating chick-fil-a while holding a coffee from starbucks. but i think the way that you carry yourself, initiate (or respond to) a conversation, as well as the tone and choice of words you use convey a deep meaning of how you value yourself (or perhaps, more importantly, what you believe about how He values you).

i think of two things: the first of which comes to mind is that "new car smell." you get into a car, and it could be dirty as anything, but you know that it is new, because it smells new. it has this fragrance that is just steeped in newness. i want that to be my fragrance. i want everyone i met to think "wow! she really loves the Lord!" in a way that newly in-love couples love each other. the newness, the novelty has yet to wear off. i got an air freshener for my car a few weeks ago, and it's amazing what that hot pink flip flop on my rearview is capable of! it completely overrides that "your-jetta-smells-like-crayola" scent i've been hearing about for the past 8 years! it's so strong, you barely have to open the door to smell it! i want that! that is the kind of fragrance i want to bring about Christ! that people who barely have a chance to get to know me, can already tell that I am passionate about my faith, and that i know i am radically loved by Him!

secondly, well... i guess i forgot what came to mind second... maybe it was this: in finding our confidence through strength and dignity in Christ, it is important to be mindful to not become prideful, arrogant, or conceited. that can ruin our fragrance faster than spoiled milk sitting in the sun. when people see Christ on you, they don't want to see you steeped in a superiority complex because you've miraculously figured it all out all of the sudden. remember, you are being watched as an example, and you need to look like an example of Christ, not an example of what society values most. i'm speaking to myself here, too. when you are full on Christ, sometimes it is easy to forget that not everyone is where you are. use your full cup to fill the cup of others, not to remind them that their cup is empty! ghandi once said that he liked our Christ, but doesn't care much for our Christians. i hate that for us. i hate that we do such a bad job of being the church. why is it so hard to just live out what we say we believe? (rhetorical; that would be more than just a whole different post!)

thirdly (i remembered this was my second thought!), i think of the woman in Luke that broke her flask of perfume at the feet of Jesus as she washed his feet with her tears and hair. think of what she must have smelt like for days. i remembered accidentally dropping a bottle of perfume at macy's once. yikes. it filled the store with its fragrance within seconds of shattering. a little bit goes a long way with that stuff! (i've had some bottles for three years now!) i like to think that she smelled so strongly that even after bathing, the scent didn't fade for weeks. imagine running into her in the market, never having spoken to her, but just having heard that she was the lady that washed jesus' feet; only knowing this from what you could smell! i think that is fabulous. i would have loved to meet her. i think that as jesus spoke to the religious Pharisees among him, saying her sins, although many, are forgiven because she has shown love to Him, unlike the Pharisees-- good gracious, could you imaging her dignity restored?! what that must've felt like to be humbled enough to go before Christ as a dirty sinner, to perhaps make a fool out of yourself in front of a posh crowd, but to go and do it in brokenness and love and humility; and then to have Christ himself tell you, "Go in peace; your faith has saved you,"? Oh how the Pharisees must've hated that! but oh, dear Jesus! THANK YOU for restoring that woman's dignity right in front of those that stood in false strength and glory! what an honor; what a story!

so friends, i challenge you, that when you are on the watched end of people watching, stand confidently in the Lord, and pour out His blessings to all you encounter. wear your dignity like an expensive fragrance for all to smell. its the perfume that smells best on us all.

people watching, part 1

i'm sitting in panera, at a bench seat for two facing the entry and the line. i have to admit, i love people watching. i find it to be more of a great insight into the sociology of our culture than an excuse to look someone up-and-down and judge them (although, i have found some true gems that i wish i could go shopping in their closets!).

across from me, a newly married couple meets with a well-dressed young business man, perhaps over insurance or realty or business deals. they aren't friends because the couple is explaining their background.

a few older gentlemen gather in the corner, regulars in this busy lunch spot. (i know because i've talked to one of them at least once before). they laugh and converse before heading back to their laptops and hot tea.

vandy girls in their oversized t-shirts and athletic shorts come in small droves. mommy-daughter dates seem to reign supreme as most the aisles are blocked by heavy-duty strollers. the lady next to me is dressed to the nines and looking prim and proper, as she quietly eats her meal and surveys what it is i keep looking around and then typing about. pre-teens looking older than i do, tall and tan and silky hair, with a much better sense of fashion than i had at their age, tote their iphones around with pride. i've noticed i'm far too over-dressed in comparison to the amount of summer skin i see, with a three-quarter length maxi dress (navy and white striped, of course); which apparently isn't as unseasonal as i suspect, because my bones are freezing to death.

i am intrigued by the different people that walk past. at different points in their life, age and stage. some, gym-bound; others, already dressed for friday night. a few months ago i posted a blog about what Christians should wear (metaphorically speaking, of course. to date, i'm not aware of any order of the orthodox church on what not to wear... although, i could imagine adding a few things to my own personal list).

this week in my beth moore study at TVC (so long, insecurity!), we talked about the woman of noble character mentioned in Proverbs 31. there is no doubt that if you are a woman of God, you know who i am talking about.

as i read through about this woman of noble character, i see some things that reflect my heart, and some things that i don't fit very well in, especially that whole up-before-the-sun thing. i'm encouraged and discouraged in one fell swoop, but i'd like to at least think that i am growing in the direction of looking more like the woman described in these passages. at our study, specifically, we talked about how she is "clothed with strength and dignity," in verse 25.

contrary to my last posts about the fruits we wear, being clothed is quite different than "putting on" clothing. the way it is stated in scripture, "she is clothed..." sort of has the connotation that it is a comfortable covering. its warm, inviting, worn with honor. it's not by her own doing that she has strength and dignity; however, it is a gift from God. we also read a supporting verse from hebrews 2:7 in which details how God created man a little lower than the angels, with dominion over the created earth, and He "crowned them with glory and honor."

did you know that God sees you worthy of honor and glory? that He is the one that chose to give you strength and dignity? the same God that knows your heart and your past and your faults and your failures, is the one that deemed you dignified. that is how He sees you, beloved! He doesn't want you to walk daily in your shame or guilt. He doesn't want you to stand meek behind a veil, hiding your insecurities. He wants you to stand confident in Him, in what He sees in you.

you may only make it through a few verses of the Proverbs 31 woman before you decide that is not what you look like ... yet. but rest assured, if nothing else, that God has crowned you His princess, His bride. that as a Christian, you can walk dignified, with His strength. do not buy into the lies that you don't have it all together so you are not worthy. that you're not pretty enough, successful enough, strong enough on your own for you to be seen precious in God's eyes. don't even for a second think that because you don't see yourself in the images described in Proverbs 31 that you should't have dignity. don't think that even because you have felt judged or been judged, even by a believer or the church as a whole, that you can not stand tall with dignity wrapped around you. and don't for a second let the devil make you believe that your mistakes and sins and even the most terrible thing that you have ever done could or even should rip your dignity away from you! no! let God restore you! stand tall, His precious one! that is the beauty of Grace! do not wear guilt and shame that only further perpetuate your insecurities! wear His strength and your God-given dignity like a badge of honor. don't just put it on, be clothed in it.

you are what you eat

despite the title, this post has very little to do with food. although, that double chocolate raspberry pavlova is certain to grace this pretty little page in the very near future.

when i was younger, i played tetris religiously (okay, i was in college. whatevs). before i knew it, i looked at everything as if it were a tetris board. in my head, i had mathematically figured out a way in which all my furniture could stack together; the way the ice machine at the restaurant i worked at would drop sheets of cubed ice would immediately throw my mind into a tailspin trying to visualize their exact placements. now, unless you're in the packing business, this is not a very desirable skill set.

and then, there's zumba. i've gotten so accustomed to learning new moves to songs with great beats, that i can't help but dance like a fool in front of everyone at busch gardens when a familiar song comes on (true story). now, even when i so much as listen to the radio while i'm driving, i can't help but see dance moves in my head to every 8-count.

and lately, all this reading i've been doing, i've found myself even thinking in prose. the way i calculate the words in my thoughts; who does that? no one hears them, anyway!

but it all got me thinking:

the things that we meditate on (or do, or become consumers of) are the things that are much brightly reflected in us. ergo: you are what you eat.

even in this short post, i have been able to recognize that my intake isn't nearly as healthy as i had hoped. i've had to scour my bible for the following verses, fully convinced one was in hebrews, the other in 2 Peter.

"we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5 NIV)

why do we do this? well, just like tetris and zumba and the voice of donald miller, the things that we do and consume, are the things that our brain engages. my brain is quite more malleable than i care to admit. just give me a week with a person that has clever sayings or a unique accent, and i can almost guarantee that i'll come back talking just like them (i noticed this after spending a day with a family from kentucky at a hanson concert in atlanta when i was 13; first time i ever recognized a "southern" accent in myself).

so, if our thoughts are wild and wreckless, then our actions are sure to mimic. if they are destructive and unhealthy, our hearts will soon mirror that, too.

but if our thoughts are on Christ, and bringing Him glory, we are ever-cognizant of our charge to live blameless and pure lives (who knew that was riddled throughout Proverbs, too?!), and we are more likely to resemble that call.

all of this seems pretty lofty, this "captivate-your-thoughts" thing. how are we supposed to accomplish something that seems so challenging?

in Philippians, Paul concludes his letter with this: "finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things." (Phil. 4:8 NIV)

God desires more than just our soul, prayers, actions, or words. He wants our hearts and minds, too. allowing our mind to get caught up in negativity, maliciousness, or lies steals the joy that Christ should bring to each of us. as you think beyond yourself today, i challenge you to focus on the things in life that are right and pure and lovely, thoughts you wouldn't mind sharing with Christ Himself.

rapture or not...

this is a post i have been intending on writing for a while now, but just have not got around to it. one thing i learned as a journalism major was "timeliness;" unfortunately, there is a small window that something remains timely. like, you know when someone says something really clever, and you want to follow it up with something equally witty-- but you struggle to decide if this is too sarcastic, or if that is too offensive, and then before you know it, that moment of awkward silence that could've been filled with a rebuttal has been filled with new conversation and has left you with both thoughts remaining, but nothing spoken?

yeah, me neither.

in spite of its lack of timeliness, i figured i'd go ahead and stick it to every journalism professor i ever had in college, and not follow the rules. after all, i'm not even sure that blogging was in the rules, and i know for a fact, you are to leave "i" out of every story.

about a month ago, many of us cracked jokes, ate our "last supper," and sat half-nervously, half-pretending-we-didn't-care on the edge of our social media seats for the coming of Christ. you don't even have to be a Christian to admit that at 6:01 you checking facebook to make sure your more religious friends were still there.

all jokes aside, what happened (not that Christ has just decided to be fashionably late), is heartbreaking. sure, it is easy to joke about the kooks that followed this false prophet, and those that even sold their businesses or got someone to keep their pet in case of a rapture (don't worry, Sabby's coming to heaven with me); but when you look at the core of the matter, it is devastating.

essentially, a man was very very convinced he had it figured out. he knew when Christ was coming back, and He wanted everyone to know about it, too. i give him the benefit of the doubt; if i had the cure for cancer, i'd want everyone to know about it too. but in this, he mislead thousands of people. he glossed over verses in the Bible that say "He comes like a theif in the night," or that "no one knows the day or the hour," and used some sort of mathematical deductions to come up with something believable.

when 6:01 came, and the rapture didn't happen for those that were absolutely ready to meet their maker, i would venture to say, a lot of hearts were devastated. a lot of people were broken and disappointed and left feeling misused and naive and hopeless.

now, i know my King is coming back, but i don't have the slightest clue when. and although i have never wrongly put my hopes into one rapture basket, i have put my hope in something aside from Jesus, and been sorely disappointed. i know this has lost its timeliness, but even in this moment friends, i ask you to pray for those that were disappointed that the coming of Christ didn't occur as they planned.

think about a time that you have gotten so hopeful, over a good thing, even a Kindgom-seeking thing. think of how certain you may have been over this thing. remember how the promise of something new on the horizon felt? and remember how it felt when all of it came crashing down without explanation? as humans, we are flawed. we put our trust in the wrong things. we create idols of these things, even these good things, and our hope drifts to them, instead of being consecrated to the Lord. as we do this, we trust in something other than the sovereignty of the Lord. and we are left broken when this thing crumbles.

you may not have believed the rapture was coming on such-and-such a date, but chances are, if you're anything like me, you've forgotten a time or two to put all your hope in Christ, and you've felt the brokenness that was left. fortunately, we don't have to endure that brokenness alone. we have a living, loving God that is right there with us, whispering to us, wooing us, declaring His love to us. in your brokenness, i challenge you to see yourself as the Lord sees you: not as a broken, unworthy mess. but as a child of God! one whom He loves and cherishes and desires to be in relationship with!

the Bible encourages us to remember: "You knew there were better things waiting for you, that will last forever. So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurace is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised. For in just a little while, the Coming One will come and not delay. And my righteous ones will live by faith. But I will take no pleasure in anyone who turns away." (Heb. 10:34b- 38 NLT)

and if you know someone who has their hope set on the wrong thing; point them to Jesus. we've all been there, and sometimes, we must break in order to learn. so lovingly point, and if they don't follow, just pray that when their hope is lost, God will complete the work and heal their hearts.

bentley? more like a kia after a crash.

alright. it's 2:30 in the morning. my computer feels like it has the potential to start a two-alarm fire, and to be honest, i've already got one brewing in my belly!

i am not exactly what you would call "in the know" with pop culture these days. i don't follow up with the stars on the hills, i couldn't tell you who justin bieber's new flavor of the week is, and i certainly don't do any keeping up with my kardashians. but last week, i was at a friends house and happened to watch the second episode of this season's bachelorette.

oh. em. gee.

i'll admit, i've watched an entire season before. i was in college, and reality tv was really starting to leave its mark on mainstream media, i.e. on the cusp of taking over. the season featured a handsome doctor from nashville, and i had a few ties to the city before i lived here, so i was intrigued. after that, my interest waned, and to be honest, if it's not grey's anatomy, or that lovely spin-off off the map (which is rumored got canceled after its 9-episode pilot season), then i really don't have the time, energy, or desire to keep up with it.

getting a decent wi-fi signal from my ever-so-giving neighbors with the open network, i decided to catch up on the last few episodes of grey's that i had missed. as i finished the season, i decided to take another stab at the bachelorette, thus, leading to the fire in the pit of my stomach.

i don't even know where to start. i'm not good on tv commentary. especially "reality" tv. but i'll take a risk or two, and just jump in. forgive me, because this will lack the moral maturity of most of my entries, and i might even slip a swear word or two.

i get why women in america are screwed up. you are either A) one of these screwed up women, B) you've dated and/or broken up with said screwed up woman, or C) you are bound to be/wind up with a woman that is screwed up. and let me tell you why.

bentley.

i'll admit, he was the most attractive guy on the roster. i'd be drawn to him in a heartbeat. not his heartbeat though; i'm pretty sure he's dead inside.

i dated a guy like bentley once. or twice. who's counting anymore? watching that take place, on television, in front of the world, broke my heart for ashley. sure, i don't know her from Eve, and she signed herself up for this mess in the first place. but, gah! i can't even use proper english because all the words i want to use are pretty inappropriate right now and i'd have to use a few keys that look like #$%*&.

bentley is the reason women turn to "reality" shows to find love, and unfortunately, the reason why this poor girl can't find it there either!

let me explain. i don't discuss dating on this blog typically, because thats just a leeetle too personal for my mainly friend/family based reading audience. also, i really try not to burn bridges, inflame names, or write off anyone. but this tool bag, bentley, has gone and ticked me off. so it's personal now, folks.

i dated a "bentley." now, many of you that watch the bachelorette might think "gah, she is so dumb to fall for this!" okay, maybe so. but do you think for a second he was saying any of that stuff to her face? absolutely not! he was wooing her, he wanted to win. he said the things he knew she wanted to hear. he swooped in at the right moments to play the game. he played it up like he was every bit falling head over heels for her as she was him, and that leaving her was the hardest thing he would ever have to do in life. and behind her back, yet in front of the cameras, he talked about how he had everyone fooled. how he didn't care about her an ounce. and it breaks my heart that this poor girl can't just be brokenhearted that he left; but she's going to have to relive those lies, discovering the deception as it boils out on national television.

it is one thing to be deceived and mislead into a relationship that you think exists, and based on the other party, it exists; unless of course, it is around anyone else aside from you. it's one thing to not know that, to not realize that, to not be given any reason to believe that, because, after all, his words seem so genuine and sweet and caring. and its another thing to have all of that taken away from you for one reason or another, and have to part with someone you've fallen for. but then, to have to trudge through the memories, feeling as if your entire experience was a one-sided fraud, that is devastating. i've dated this 'bentley' before, long ago, and it kills you to believe that everything was pretty much a lie. to think that you were naive enough to be fooled, to be charmed into a place you felt comfortable with this person, to give them your heart, and chance after chance.

and these "bentley's" are out there, sweeping women off their feet, only to drop them in mid-air. the only classy thing he did was leave. come on, men! grow a pair, and act like a man! if you're not into a woman, don't lead her on! don't wipe the hair from her forehead and kiss her, and tell her how hard it is to let her go. stand up, at the moment you realize it is not going to work, and say that. save both of you a lot of time, and her a lot of heartbreak, by not dragging her on an emotional roller-coaster in which you have no desire to even ride with her.

when people used to ask me "my type," i used to answer that i would always fall for someone that's charming. i finally just started answering with "tall and sketchy." because really, charming and sketchy became to be synonymous. and for your true-to-life charming guys out there, i am so sorry that jerks like bentley have ruined it for you. we don't trust your charm anymore. you lose. we both lose, really.

but the greater question deserves to be asked: why are guys like this slash why do they do this to innocent girls; and why are we so quickly drawn to the "bad guy" type?

i wish i had an answer for the first question. i could speculate that a lot of it is a game mentality, and guys like to win things. they are competitive, but it becomes like fishing. it's only fun until you've caught the fish, then you might as well just throw it back. maybe some of them really are clueless, and really just don't know what they want until they are in too deep and don't know how to swim safely back to shore. if you're a guy, and have a better answer for this, then leave it in the comments. i treasure inside wisdom like gold.

to address the second question: i wish i knew. i honestly think that it has to do with the fact that the bad guys are usually such great charmers, you know, to cover up for all their seediness. but maybe what lies beneath this, is what makes girls so desperate, that they are so quick to latch on to their bait; hook, line, and sinker.

i noticed that laced all throughout the 2 part episode of the bachelorette i watched was the word insecurity. ding ding ding. we. are. insecure. that likely doesn't come as a surprise to any of you women, and if it does, then please, lend me your secrets; i am ALL ears! without having tool's like bentley around to make us feel even less secure about ourselves when they bail without a moment's notice, we still have a whole host of heart issues that drive us into the comforting arms of anyone that expresses interest. ashley was insecure of the fact that she was even doing the show; she thought she would be a disappointment to the guys when they realized it was her. she was insecure because she wasn't abc's first choice to have on the show. she was insecure because she had lost her shot at love the first time when she became the second runner up. she was insecure in feeling that she was worth sticking around for. the clincher is, when things start happening that affirm your insecurities, those experiences and memories become like cement to the heart. when william brought it up that she was "brad's left-overs," and that he was expecting one of the other girls when he arrived, it solidified her fears that she wasn't worth it. when bentley left, even to her naivety, it solidified her fears that guys she cared about wouldn't stick around. guys, i know it is just as much our fault for placing our self-value in your hands, but please, please, please be careful when dealing with a woman's heart! so much of our security in our own skin comes from the value others affirm or take from us. i know it's not right, but it is so seeped into our heart, that it is often times who we are from the core.

looking past who's to blame, who's done what wrong, or where the heartbreak has originated from, the root of the matter is this: as a woman, we need to not put our value in the hands of a man that, to be honest, is likely too clumsy to hold your heart with those big, dumb, caveman hands of his. instead, our securities and value and worth need to be found in the hands of our Creator. the very one that made us from the rib of adam, formed us out of nothing, created us in the womb, stitched together every inch of our being! only His hands are gentle enough to hold our hearts in a way that we would assume value from.

and men: when the Lord is ready to set that woman's heart gently into your hands, please, be careful with it. it is not a toy, it is not a game, it is not a chance for you to get ahead in life or show someone else up. it is a gesture of trust, that you will be the leader, the servant, the caretaker of this heart. that you will treasure it, value it, die for it. you were given a mighty role as men, please, for our sake, live up to it.

i think after a pretty solid decade of dating and relationships, i've learned a lot. heartbreak has been the most educating factor, but a lesson learned, nonetheless. i am hopeful, and prayerful, that the Lord has something perfect out there for me. and i will be selfish with my heart until then. i've been to careless with it in the past, and i'm sad for the men that really deserve it. you always have to pay for the sins of those before you. but the Bible tells us to guard our hearts, and mine is under His care. my security, and insecurities (because let's be real, i'm a woman, and they are there in all their unassuming glory), will rest in His hands. i've learned to not fall for a charmer, although it really is ... charming. i've learned to hold out for a prince charming, one that has sought approval of my Heavenly Father first, (and my real daddy when the time comes!) before seeking me out. i am thankful to no longer live in a social sphere of dating in which is a lather, rinse, repeat hum-drum cycle of heartbreak. sure, i'm not 100% protected from never experiencing that again; but i think i can rest assure that the bentley's of this world will no longer be vying for my heart.

***

to the bentley that long ago broke my heart as i was first introduced to deceit and games, i forgive you. i pray that you will be the type of husband i just described. its what your wife deserves. :)

zumba

there is part of me that has not changed since high school.

and that part of me loves taking zumba class because it is, in essence, a perfectly acceptable place to pretend that i am still, indeed, a cheerleader. don't get me wrong, much of my cheerleader-esque persona has definitely toned down a bit, but getting in a room with 60 women with absolutely no inhibition to prevent me from breakin' it down, backin' it up, and shakin' what my mamma gave me allows much of that part of me to live on. and oh boy, does it ever.

now, i used to be really good at zumba. i went like, every day, a couple summers ago. i could do the dances in my sleep. i even knew words to latin salsa songs (never said i knew what they meant). point being: when you practice, and you practice well, it sort of pours out of you. i even considered getting my zumba certification that summer, but for some reason or another (i was chicken, and i'm sure "something" came up), i never did.

so getting back into it this summer has not been the easiest thing to do. for starters, it's blazing outside, like mid-90s, and its' only early june. not a good sign, as august tends to be the hottest month in these parts. so naturally, i would rather stay in my nice cool bed (remember, we finally turned the a/c to 78!). not saying zumba is outside. it's not. it's actually in an air conditioned room with about 12 ceiling fans. point being: i would have to GO outside. and then there's that really nasty drive home in a car thats been parked in 95 degree heat and you are already pouring sweat, so your sweat starts sweating.

plus, i have sort of gotten into this time warp from not having a solid routine like a JOB. to be honest, yesterday was wednesday. the only way i discovered this (as we don't have TV either), was through my weekly top 20 email from travelzoo. it comes every wednesday. so i'm either all or nothing with routine, and because i'm lacking in the majorly pressing areas, i would prefer it to be nothing. in that, i've gotten 3 books read, somewhere in the realm of 700+ pages!, and curtains sewn, my room put together, and some QT at the pool. but working out? PSH who cares.

well, i've overcome the above and have made it to at least 5 zumba classes this summer. i've never seen the movie, but i'm assuming this is how stella got her groove back, because mine is coming slowly but surely. tonight makes number 6. or number 5. again, that no routine thing has thrown me off completely.

so last night, i was p-o-u-r-i-n-g sweat through my t-shirt. first off, who wears t-shirts to work out anyway? dumb, party of me. anyway, we started doing this really complicated jazz step. back to the cheerleader-in-me part: i think it always took me extra long to get the dances down pat. i have to channel my inner ghetto, it doesn't come naturally at first, until it flows without reserve. but getting that first well pump takes a little time.

i was front row, right behind the instructor, carrie. now, carrie is awesome. she can move parts of her body so fast, you have to wonder if she is either A) bionic woman, or 2) someone has a remote control to her limbs. i like to be up front so i can see, and have my best chance at actually being successful in picking up some of the dances. earlier this week, i brought a guest and we were running late, so had to find room in the back. i hated it back there. i couldn't see a thing, and had no clue if i was following the right cues or not. so front and center, i had carrie within just a few feet of me.

yet the strangest thing happened. i kept finding myself watching myself in the mirror. now, this room is fully mirrored, and i think its a good thing. it gives you perspective, and affirmation that yes, you do look like a fool. but what was really odd to me, was that when i was doing something wrong, or couldn't get it quite the way she did it, i was always looking at myself. humble, huh?

i say this, because carrie is the master of zumba. she is the instructor extraordinaire. these are her dances, she is the teacher. but rather look to her, right in front of me, for correction, i found myself looking at myself and noting all the things that were off in my jazz step or coupia. and in the middle of my salsa, i realized, this is what we do with Christ.

we as Christians, although are typically ashamed to admit it, we tend to find all the bad stuff about us. i don't know if it's our inability to understand grace, to learn how to forgive and forget, or if it is a scheme of the devil to remind us just how terrible we are at things. i find no matter how much i've even forgiven myself of, i seem to remember the dumb things i've done, or the times i've put my foot in my mouth, far more than the times i've been encouraging or have done something the right way.

so focusing on the mirror's reflection was two-fold: it was self-absorbed, and it was unforgiving. i think christianity gets a pretty bad wrap for being these two things. let me explain. we all know we are hypocrites. we are human, and sort of inline with that whole "i think; therefore, i am" movement, i think the Christian mantra should read more like "I sin, therefore, i'm a hypocrite." no matter how hard we try not to be, we are. we fall short of living like the Christ we proclaim to be following. i'm ashamed of it, but i'm okay with it. i keep striving when Christ offers grace enough to bring me back up. but if i ever get to the point where i believe i've got it down and don't need His help, someone please take me outside and whoop my tail! i don't believe as christians and humans we will meet some sort of nirvana here on earth in which our flesh no longer leads us astray.

just as my main focus was on my reflection, when we take our eyes off christ, we lose sight of what we are to compare ourselves to, what we are to strive to be like. instead of focusing on all the wrong were doing, how out of sync we look, how downright ridiculous we might look, we need to bring our eyes back to the one that is teaching us every step to this dance of life in the first place.

when we focus on our sin, and how grimy it is, we lose sight of what God has for us. we lose sight of the pathway out of that sin. we become self-absorbed, and wrapped up in how evil or diluted we've become, and begin to feel hopeless.

but friends, there is hope! He's dancing this dance right in front of us! we have Him to cast our hearts and eyes upon, and he will slowly teach us the moves every beat of the way!

the other note i made, was that we become unforgiving. when we concentrate on all we are doing wrong, we hold it against ourselves. don't get me wrong, i believe we need to own up and be down right repentant for our selfish hearts and sinful ways; but we need to learn to lay it down, and hold on to it no more. when we do this, we are able to pick up anew, and jump in where we left off. when we don't, we become calloused. and once you learn how to forgive yourself for the wrong turns you've made, then you will likely have a greater chance of forgiving those around you when you see them make the same mistakes.

but here's the clincher: if our eyes are on anyone else, the person dancing next to you, in front of you, behind you, even on yourself; if they are no longer upon jesus, we lurer ourselves away from the one thing we are supposed to be walking towards. if our eyes are not upon jesus, we become caught up in comparison that is not biblical. we compare ourselves with our friends (well at least i don't do ____ like _____ does!), we compare ourselves to our family (she was always the good sister anyway) or we even compare ourselves to our old self (at least i'm not doing _____ anymore). jesus doesn't want us to compare ourselves to anything aside from Him! because when we do, we are gaining superiority/inferiority to another sinner! He doesn't want us to stand side-by-side declaring which sin is better or worse, feeling justified in our shortcomings! He wants us to stand side-by-side with Him! He wants us to look more like Him! and we can't emulate something we aren't looking at!

have you ever tried to draw an intricate picture from memory? unless you're on the same level as degas, cassatt or cezanne, in my book, it's not going to compare to having the original picture right there for you to trace, outline, scale, and ultimately copy!

we were created in Christ's image. and then something terrible happened, and we perverted and corrupted ourselves through our thirst to be God. but He has reached down from Heaven to rescue us. and He has already done it. when we fail, we need to look to Him; in the same way that when i have no idea what i'm doing in zumba, i need to look to the Master. gain your confidence from Him. gain your assurance from Him. receive guidance, cues, promptings from Him.

***

maybe this is all prompted through my recent discovery of donald miller's blue like jazz; in which he expounds upon his journey to faith, and his qualms with the modern "religiosity" that can be found in most Christian churches. he does so in a brilliantly unmatched way, using life as metaphors for faith, something i've often done through this blog. if that's true, if this is spawned from my close readings of his, i want to give him credit for prompting my thoughts, and any semblance of belief that might be found in these lines. i also want to give him credit for making his readers think; to challenge them beyond accepting everything we hear and are taught as truth. and for bringing my kindergarten mind back around to a series of metaphoric thought. it's enlightening, and refreshing to think beyond the basics of letter sounds, compound words, and mixing colors.

seasonal reads

hi. it's me. the girl that used to blog here.

i know, i know. i've been gone for some time now. save for *one* friend that actually enjoys reading my (jumbled mess of) thoughts that i (somehow) manage to construe together to make (what at least resembles) a point. i've been moving, and finishing my first year of teaching, and learning how to rest. and to be real honest, we haven't called to set up cable or internet [half as a conservation of funds (we didn't turn the a/c on for the first 3 weeks until the temps were well into the 90's) and half there seems to have become an unspoken rule in which we are seeing how long we can tough it out (again, see that bit about the a/c. when the sheets started to get wet with sweat, and i began to wonder if i was back in haiti, i broke first and flipped the switch. to a chilly 78. hey, conservation.)] and if we're being EXTRA honest, we sometimes get wifi from an undisclosed neighbor that has an open network entitled "GUEST NETWORK," so if you ever see me on the front porch with my Mac, or balancing it on my knees from the couch, towards the window, just wave. and don't judge.

i typed up my previous blog sans internet, but when i really needed to write. you see, i've been doing a whole ton of this thing they call "ree-ding." i've actually gotten quite good at it, and have found myself almost as fond of it as writing. but, seeing as how i'm a much better talker than i am a listener (i know, i'm heavily flawed; i'm working on it, but thats an entire different epoch of a blog!), reading sort of stifles me from talking back. and because i'm impatient and don't know how to rest and wait (wow, all the flaws are drawn to the surface here today!), reading has me about to bust at the seems because i don't really give myself time to process what i've just read. maybe thats why i have a hard time discerning wisdom from the Bible, too....?

okay, i didn't show up here to roast myself (although, i've seemed to have gotten good about that, too). i showed up because i have been longgggging to write (and i'm getting a wifi connection that doesn't require me sitting outside in the 98 degree heat, or doing contortionist moves on my couch).

i guess i'll start and end this post with this:

this summer is going to be a huge learning experience, and i want to challenge myself to really learn from it. to write about the thoughts and tensions and decisions within my head and my heart, and to share how all of that makes me feel. maybe in due time, i'll look back and learn (or re-learn) something from my own experience.

like i said, i've been doing a lot of reading. so far, in the short week and a half of summer, i've already read three books. yes, i do want a cookie. that's more books than i usually read, ever. (i'm a do-er; see previous posts). but the books i have read aren't those fantastical, romantic, steeped in mystery books. they are challenging-to-your-faith books, books that deserve to be pondered, discussed, torn apart, and applied to the heart. i read heaven is for real by Todd Burpo. in one night. it was just that incredible. i'm eager to go to heaven now. not that i wasn't before, but to be honest, i hadn't given it much thought. i think people sometimes see christianity just as the voyeur to heaven, and i find myself possibly too heavily on the other side of the farm, thinking only about living for Christ now, and not really what that means when we get to the other side.

then i read same kind of different as me. to be honest, i was worried about 30 pages in when i just hadn't gotten into it. but i picked it up the next evening, and never put it down. it is a rock-you-to-the-core book that challenges everything you've ever seen and felt in life. it challenges your purpose, your motivation, your preconceived notions about society, and the people that reside in every level of it. it is a clear-cut view of God's heart, from two very unassuming people, that had you asked them even a few years before the books publishing, they likely would have scoffed at the mention of it, that is if they had even spoken to you at all.

then, on sunday, i made my first of (hopefully) many trips to the library. i guess i had romanticized the library in my stint of absence there since virtually college. it was a lot less robust than in my imagination, and i didn't feel quite as scholarly as the (few) times i actually visited our old, historic library on Campbell's campus. however, after realizing all the books on my summer to-read list were wait listed by 82 other people (no exaggertion; apparently all of nashville's summer crowd wants to read the help, water for elephants, and AW Tozer (really?)), i managed to find Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz (which my interest was recently spurred after a kickstarter campaign finally funded the filming of this movie, where else, but in Nashville! (and partly in my home church!)) and the book Un-Christian, which stuck out like a sore thumb on a practically-bare Christian section of the stacks.

Blue Like Jazz started off a little slow and dry for me. but praise God, because Donald Miller can speak some truth. and not just Biblical truth. but real, relevant, personal truth. he says things our hearts have been feeling, and he puts things into a perspective that one could rarely find the words to explain. this is such a great book (okay; i lied. i'm not done with book three quite yet. i've got about 20 pages left, and well, it was either read or blog. so i chose YOU over finishing). regardless, i am thrilled to have read this book, and to know that as a body, we are not alone in our doubts or differences.

also, i started a new women's bible study this week on monday nights! i am beyond thrilled for several reasons: first, a new book to read! and to discuss! and because it is beth moore. i love beth moore. this is the first beth moore study our church has ever done! (we are a little behind on the new wave of evangelism here apparently!). but most importantly, i am excited to press in with a group of women that are craving that sense of spiritual sisterhood, a community of believers living in faith, walking in faith, and sharing their journey together. i have been praying for this for a while now, and i am so elated that it is coming into fruition! by the number of exclamation marks and bold printed words in this paragraph, i hope you can tell my sheer amount of joy that bubbles up when i share about this study! it's going to last throughout june and july, but we have already shared together that we are expectant and hopeful for friendships and accountability to bloom out of this study and last beyond just the timeline of this study.

i shared that having come back from haiti, almost a year ago, i came back with sort of a spiritual hang over. i was being poured into and constantly filled, and i was suffering withdrawals from being in an inclosed, spiritually-fortified environment. since then, i have been desperately missing and craving that missional living, surrounded by encouragement, affirmation, and accountability. i am continuing to pray that i can truly find a solid group of women to get plugged into, and with, at TVC through this study!

that should about cover bringing you up to speed on my summer vacay :)

what is one thing you look forward to about summer?