first world perspective

on the heels of that last post, i write the post that i actually intended on writing.  every some books need a preface, right?

unless you've found yourself under a rock, or disconnected from all forms of media, you undoubtedly heard about the first threatening named storm of the hurricane season.  hailing from Florida, we grew up getting "Hurricane days," as opposed to snow days at school.  learning how to track a hurricane was part of our annual curriculum.  we all had evacuation plans in place, knew what sort of non-perishables to stock up on (my dad would get boxes of ding-dongs and ho-hos; no wonder why i loved hurricanes!), and would sit and watch the weather as if it were moving quick enough to change every 5 minutes.

all of that said, i get it.  the hoopla over hurricanes.  we were fortunate enough to never take a direct hit (although the eyes have passed just an hour or so in either direction of us).  i understand and recognize their danger.

and maybe this is passé, but it is still on my mind, so i wanted to write about it.

last week, when hurricane irene was sitting east of haiti as a category 2 storm, no one seemed to care.  the focus was that it could hit NYC later in the week.

as a journalism major, i know that a news story must have proximity to the reader to create a hook.  i understand that NYC is "home-turf," so to speak.  but it just didn't sit right in my stomach, worrying about million dollar high-rise apartments in manhattan when a million people could have to endure the hurricane in tents in haiti. (the most current estimate i read said roughly 600,000 were still displaced and living in tent-homes from the earthquake.  the problem i have with that estimate is that in most other areas of haiti, the homes of even those not displaced by the earthquake are still "tents" by our standards; ill-pieced scraps of tin, wood, and block without a footer foundation).

i read about plenty of new yorkers stocking up on liquor for hurricane parties, and other perishable items (things that would not last in the case of a true emergency), and yet, i couldn't help but think of the haitian people unable to stock up on even the items kept in their "homes".  fortunately, they avoided a direct hit again for the second time this season, and got nothing more than typical rainy-season rain.

but the media coverage was all focus on new york; the transportation system, the forced "nap" for this city that never sleeps.

i am not taking away from the danger of hurricanes, nor the havoc they are capable of wrecking on communities anywhere in this hemisphere.  i guess its just the heart of what the "problem" is.  it's all about our perspective.  we are all very fortunate that the storm downgraded to a tropical storm before making landfall in NY, and leaving not much more than some localized flooding and downed trees behind.  i know it is a terrible inconvenience when something as mundane as weather can force you to redirect your plans, and i don't want to appear heartless towards those that had to endure the storm in anyway, shape, or form.  maybe we ignore it because the problem seems too big for us to be able to do anything about it.  maybe we don't feel like it is our responsibility TO do anything about it.  i don't know.  and i don't know what i can do, or will do.  and that bothers me too.

praying for safety for haitians and humanity in general this hurricane season.

1st world problems

we all have them.  things that irk us for no other reason than their sheer annoyance.  the store was out of the "fat-free" version.  the waiter forgot your house salad.  ugh, you got stuck in rush-hour traffic because of a bad wreck (guilty, as i tweeted my frustration about this one last week).  your iphone screen is cracked.  the lady giving you a pedicure didn't do all the right massage techniques.  and heaven forbid, they get your order wrong at the drive-thru and you've already left.

okay, maybe your frustrations are a little lot less petty than mine.

not sure who dubbed it, but social media has perpetuated the term "1st-world problems" for venting frustrations that really, in the light of it all, aren't problems at all.

this all got me thinking.  we get frustrated when things don't go as we expect they should.  but, do we really have the right to have expectations?  where is that right born?  when do we decide what we are entitled to?

because, if, after all, we base our expectations on entitlement, really, our entitlement is death, because we as sinners are not entitled to life.

that was, of course, all before Christ.  and far too many commas, am i right?

Christ laid down every entitlement He had as God when He came to earth to live, give, serve, lead, and ultimately die for each of us.  He decided that while we were worthy of death, His love, mercy, and grace would redeem us and make us ultimately entitled to eternal-life through His resurrection.

it's not easy to sign over your life, lay down your rights, and live as if you deserve nothing but have been granted everything through His love and mercy.  it requires sacrifice.  it requires patience.  it requires a great deal of dying to self, and to be perfectly honest, i'm not very good at that.

the next time you find yourself getting upset at a "first-world problem," i challenge you to respond with love, patience, and grace; as if you are not entitled to that expectation in the first place.  and pray for me: to be mindful of this myself, so that i, too, can live beyond a sense of expectation.

solstice

i've been strangely distant from blogging as of late, but rest assured, it's nothing you did.  the beginning of the school year is always insane, and i'm still having difficulty balancing and juggling school and the necessities, like eating, bathing, and doing laundry.  (1/2 joking.  1/2 not really).

regardless, as the sounds of steve molaker draw nastalgia from the summers end and the late afternoon sun  bounces colors from a mosaic glass plate across the ceiling, i'm feeling inspired.  and congested, but thankfully, blogging doesn't require speaking.

in the hustle and bustle of back-to-school, it's easy to miss the beauty of the season's change.  not that the change is yet underway, but even the subtle hint of the summer sun sinking slightly earlier to the horizon, as it too is sick of the summer's heat.  there has been a momentary reprieve of the heat tucked in the early morning dusk when i take sabby out, a moment in which i feel the slow approach of a fall breeze, refreshing, yet fleeting, for now.

i'm ready for fall.  i think we all are.  the anticipation of change, when we know just what to accept, is usually welcomed.  its the unfamiliar change that we are a little more resistant to accept.  there is a readiness for a fresh start of a new season that brings a slight excitement within each of our souls.  there are things that are limited by seasonal availability: college football, the leaves changing color, the love /hate relationship with back-to-school and the early morning routine it re-establishes.  we as a people are always ready for new.  we want do-overs.  we want blank slates.  we want a courtship with the nouveau, (even if we are quick to file for divorce when we are ready for the next).  our hearts long for change, even those of us that are self-proclaimed afraid of it.

enter: jesus.  the King of do-overs.  the eraser of our slates.  our eternal Courter.  tears well in my eyes as i think of all i covet about the changing season, yet in the consistency of our Creator.  broken and humbled, i crawled before Him this morning, in a way that i'm ashamed to admit i haven't approached His throne in a while.  i spent time with Him that was intentional, and not in passing.  i've become a big fan of having jesus around all day, talking to Him whenever I can or want or feel like.  but there is something sacred about locking yourself away with Him, bare before the throne, allowing Him to dress your wounds.

Lord, you are so precious to me.  and to know i am even more precious to you moves me to tears.  Lord, you are faithful and worthy and holy.  and that does not change with the seasons.

You, Jesus, are the same yesterday, today, and forever. --Hebrews 13:8

i walked up besides the line, to see that three of my kiddos had not stopped at the door (like i asked), but instead walked into the room.

"patience," i heard His voice in my heart, a soft, still, (dare i say) patient reminder bouncing between the walls of frustration and impatience deep inside.

do you remember what its like to learn?  to not yet realize that I do know best?  remember, you're not always quick to follow what I tell you to do, either.


i know it's only been one day.  and i know rome wasn't built in that time frame.  it took 7 times around Jericho for it to fall, and the Israelites had to walk aimlessly for like, 40 years!  but so often, in the moment, i forget all of that.  i don't realize that they, too, are still learning it.  Lord, help me to be patient.


these kiddos remind me how i rarely get it right on the first try with God either.  the proof is in the fact that i've already forgotten that.  Lord, give me grace.

answered prayers.

let me just begin this post by declaring just how good God truly is.  in the storm, in the harvest, in the overflow: He reigns supreme.

over the past month or so, i've been dealing with a tension in my heart that was a violent mix of my passions, desires, and still-fresh wounds in my heart for Haiti and missions that left me feeling perplexed, at best, about this current snapshot of my life.

truth be told, I began praying about a month ago about the direction of my life; although, it dates back much further than that.  you see, i am my father's daughter, and that deserves an entire post of its own.  it doesn't take long before my feet start to itch and i am bored with the contentment i find myself in, and begin to desire a new view.  i was just 5 years old when i discovered there was a really big world out there and God had created me to want to experience the vastness of it.  It was 10 years ago, at the age of 16, when I discovered missions, and spent three weeks abroad in Italy.  and it was just over a year ago that I returned from quite possibly, the #1 most life-refining experience I would ever have by living in Haiti for 4 months.

this love and passion for the world and missions and most importantly, Jesus, is nothing new.  it is not a trend i've decided to run behind, nor a need to flea from any issues i might have or baggage i'm toting around.  it is truly the person i was created by God to be, and how I feel He will be able to use me best.

with all that said, about a month ago, when the feet started to itch, i began looking into just about every venue to get me from here to there.  i had wanted to spend this whole summer in haiti, but the timing of it just wasn't right.  i found myself looking on websites here and there, and yes, even considering DTS's or the World Race, or just about any other short term I could find.  and i found myself feeling torn (as mentioned in the above linked post) because I knew God had ordained my position here, yet felt this pull to also "go".  i found myself confused on if i was where God wanted me or not.

so, i began to pray.

and i knew that if for some unseen reason, my job (which I had received my re-hire letter in late spring) fell through, i would take that as a sign to go.  not only as a sign, but as the actual decision essentially evicting me into God's throne room (because we all know how good I am with decision making).

well, low and behold ... i returned to school last week and we discovered our numbers were really low.  like, as in, we had 2 too-many kindergarten teachers.

and the gravity of this reality hit me like one of those cartoon anvils in which used to fall on wiley coyote as he chased the road runner.  this could really be it.  this could be my answer.

needless to say, i was a wreck all week.  i knew that God had placed me in this position last year.  it was to a T, fit for me, down to Mr. Pierre and Ms. Lucita, whom I have come to love as family, and talk to more regularly than my own family even (and in French!).  and kindergarten was my place.  even during an evaluation, my principal said to me, "there are three types of people: those that were born to teach, those that learn to teach, and those that were born to teach kindergarten.  and you were born to teach kindergarten."

long story short, the scenarios played out in my head.  the likelihood of any of the following was pretty great:

• someone would have to move schools per County Office's request
• someone would have to teach 4th grade
• someone may be let go of all together; and come to find the newest likelihood:
• someone would have to teach 2nd grade.

at this point, I knew that 2 of those options were out for me.  Three, if you wanted to consider the loss of a job altogether.  i knew i couldn't change schools.  i was already commuting 30 minutes east, to the western-most part of the county.  any other school would have been even further south-east, and i honestly couldn't afford an additional commute (this one is already costing me over $200 a month).  and 4th grade, in my opinion, was definitely out too.  i would take either of these as a definite closed door, in which i knew that God had other plans for me ... likely involving His mission field. 

on thursday, we found out that the highest likelihood would be that one of us would move to second grade.  this was really grey area for me.  i knew that 4th/another school meant i was haiti-bound.  and i knew that staying in Kindergarten meant that He had a job here for me, and it was not complete yet.  but 2nd grade?  i don't know a thing about second grade, and i didn't feel like i could make that decision and say that i would do it or decline it, either way. 

so i began to pray about that, too.  that i would not have to make the decision; that God would open and close the doors according to His will, and that it would be nothing I, in my selfishness, pride, or non-confrontational skills could mess up at all. 

He did just that.  

thankfully, i can say, i still have a job teaching kindergarten at my same school.  im delighted to know that i am right where He wants me, for the time being.  i prayed about going; He said no (or at least "not now").  i prayed about staying; He put me right where i belong.  i prayed about not having to be the one put in the position to have to decide to stand up and be true to myself or sit back and be loyal and respectful to my boss and colleagues, and He steered me clear from that situation.  i am so grateful for this roller-coaster journey that has been the last few weeks. 

it only reiterates that everything is for our good and for His glory.  

He is not a God of mystery, but sometimes, it does require patience on our part to wait for the answer to the prayer, before trying to create our own.  

Psalm 120:1
I took my troubles to the Lord; I cried out to Him, and He answered my prayers.

if you can't say anything nice...

some people say that if you can't say anything nice, then you shouldn't say anything at all.

i, however, believe, that if you are struggling to say anything nice, you should really try to think of something nice.  it's border-line Biblical; with all that stuff Paul said about fixing your mind on what is good and true and noble.

so, in light of my current funk and the shifting circumstances in which i've found myself sitting in (what should be) a short season of uncertainty and waiting, i've decided i would share some truths i know; if anything, to declare His goodness when i'm having a hard time swallowing that.

immediately, when i found my head in a fog, and not a desire in my heart to write a post on whats going on with my teaching position until everything gets hammered out for sure, i knew that i had to push through.  i knew that i had to write something about His goodness.  truth be told, i know it all to be true.  minus the cracking foundation yesterday, God blessed me with a tremendous day.  He spoke encouragement into my heart from the time i woke up until the time i fell asleep in His arms praying.  what i wrote last night about His goodness and His will is not just something I know and believe, but something I am truly confident in even despite what changes are to come.

but today, my body, mind and heart are in a funk that my spirit is not, and the off-kilterness of it all is leaving me feeling unbalanced, like i should be crying my brains out, or throwing up.  but i can't.  but i also can't eat much, and feel nauseous at the thought of drastic change, or being propelled into a world of upper-grades that doesn't stir my passion (nor do i have any %&#(#*$&@ idea what i would be doing in that situation).

so, even though my mind and heart don't feel like typing, my spirit, the cheerleader that still remains in me, is still yelling "yay, God!" even if my mouth can not right now.

therefore; i will share a story.  the one i knew i must share the second i knew i could not write.  i was going to offer a disclaimer, but at second thought, it doesn't really bother me if you think i'm crazy.  that doesn't negate what i know to be true and how i know that i've experienced the Lord.

the following is an excerpt from my journal, written in Haiti, dated April 13, 2010.

Last night...! WOW!  Even the fact I'm journaling over blogging should speak volumes!  The Lord touched my life in a way so radically that I hope to never be the same!

We had a women's gathering in the prayer room, with Lisa, the LA & Kona outreach teams, the Swiss Counseling School, teachers, leaders, and volunteers.  Probably about 20-25 total.

After beginning with praise and a little testimony from Lisa, we began praying for the leaders; and then their children.  Lizzy prayed for the Holy Spirit to come upon her and knock her off her feet.  She said she had been praying for the gift of tongues since she was 14, and always wondered why they didn't come.  So we began praying for her first and I could feel her anxiety in her blind faith.  Tamy said she felt the Lord just tell her that it just wasn't the time, but it's not because she is young or not hungry enough-- just not ready.  So we began praying for Rebecca and I just felt reminded of Daniel.  How, even as young as he was, he influenced kings and world leaders, who adopted his faith through his boldness.  As I spoke this out over her, I began to tremble and I knew the Spirit was in me, encouraging the exhortation.  As they prayed for Wilna, she was brought to her face, and we prayed for her on the floor.

Then they asked the teachers to come pray for each other first and then be prayed for.  As we began to pray together, huddled there, I felt just the outpouring of His Spirit.  My speech began to tremble and the words I was forming in my mind were not the same ones coming from my mouth.  I knew He was gifting me with tongues! For the first time in 9 years! I've been praying for this, and had it spoken over me, but finally, without ever even trying, I received!

Then, (and this is where it gets crazy) I began to get the giggles! Filled with His Spirit of laughter and joy! It was CRAZY! I was just chuckling at first, but then I couldn't stop! As we prayed, I was just so anointed!  I heard this incredible song being sung that I had never heard before.  So I looked around because I thought maybe others broke out into song, but they were steadfast in prayer. The sound of the rains increased, and even over the pounding of the rain, I could hear the angels singing.  So, I stood there. Praising the Lord, in His tongue, and dancing with the Angels!  It was so powerful, and I was overflowing with JOY! TRUE JOY! HIS JOY!!! I got the spirit of laughter really bad, and had to sit down; the girls were laughing with me!  I tried to speak, but the words would not form!  I felt so intoxicated in the Spirit!  and that just increased the laughter!

We prayed and praised for two hours and 45 minutes, and I was too enthralled by the Lord to even care! I literally left so refreshed and filled and physically HUNGRY!

In my candid vulnerability, I called and shared with Christina, and had trouble finding the words to use! I  know people may think I'm crazy, but the Holy Spirit showed up HUGE and I am unashamed of His presence!
***

So, there you have it.  Reminding myself of how big God's heart is; and I know it is.  I've felt the love in it before.  I know the joy and the peace and the pure infatuation He brings, I've basked in it.  So, from what I know about this one, monumental experience with God's presence reminds me that He not only just loves me, but that He delights over me.  That He is worthy of praise, and that doesn't just mean when our circumstances permit it.  God's love is exponential, and this cliffside where I stand may have a hard time seeing that beyond the far fall, but it too is just an expression of just how much He loves me and wants my heart to praise Him.

All for our good, and for His glory.

If you can't say anything nice, remind yourself there is plenty good to think about.

the tide

i stand
at the waters edge.
the tiny waves creep up the shore,
as they curl over my toes.
take a step towards Me,
they call out
as they roll back out towards the sea.

i step
both feet into the ocean.
my footprints
 like temporary memories on the damp sand.
i feel the drag of the sand beneath my toes
as i sink,
the water cool around my ankles.

i close
my eyes beneath the sunset,
still warm against my skin.
breathe deep
the salty air fills my lungs
with comfort
and scents of home.

i feel
the tide
pulling me,
alluring me,
into the sea.
You are safe with Me,
He calls again.

the tide,
once terrifying,
is tug-tug-tugging
my feet from beneath me,
my heart more towards Him.

i give
into His beacon,
give up my resistance,
and trust
that the seas are where He calls me home to.

rest assured.

i've been silent here in the blogisphere as of lately, but God has not.  He is speaking and moving and working, the same yesterday, today and forever as we are told in Hebrews.  a lot has been happening, or maybe it hasn't yet; but God is moving nonetheless.  He reminded me today that "He does everything for our good and His glory."  Instead of Him just reminding me of that, He has given me no less than 4 opportunities to declare that and to share it today.  He spoke encouragement to me through the well-timed words of a friend from Haiti, through the maturity and confidence in Christ from a younger brother in Christ, through open conversation revisited today from a moment last week with one of my spiritual sisters at work.  God has been good, indeed.

with that said, please keep me in your prayers today and tomorrow.  God is God, and He is powerful and all-knowing.  my limited field of sight renders me fearful of the unknown; but nothing is unknown to Him. in my moments of anxiety over the potential upheavals that could come my way tomorrow, i can declare that with confidence.  after all, God works all things for our good and for His glory.