music notes and tears

this morning has been one of those days in which your eyes fill with tears for no apparent reason.  it's not a heaviness, but its not a feeling of lightness after the miraculous receipt of grace.  it's void of the typical anxiety and overwhelming sense of something.  i wish, if only for my own sake, that i could describe it.  it's a mood that begs to be left alone, while crying to be surrounded.

i turned on my ipod to listen to music while i blow-dryed my hair.  instead i sat.  and listened.  it had been a while since i listened to music with the only intent of listening to music.

Matt Nathanson's "Little Victories" came on.  i don't even think i was listening to the lyrics, and tears began to slowly accrue at the corner of my eyelids.  it's a short tune, but i just felt like it was a battle cry.

"and i'll be awful sometimes, weakened to my knees.  but i'll learn to get by, on the little victories."

what does that even mean?

i kept listening.  a song i didn't even know by Warren Barfield came on.  "God Believes in You."

"no one likes to say goodbye cause blinded by the tears you cry, it's hard to see tomorrow's hello's.  going where your heart is leading, though it's never easy leaving home, embracing the unknown. may you be the spark that sets the world on fire.  find in your heart only God's desires. dream as big as you want to.  there's nothing that you can't do, when you believe that God believes in you. you didn't end up here by chance.  it's more than merely circumstance. the ride's just begun so hold on.  if you could see how much you're loved, just a glimpse would be enough to show that you don't go alone.  so be the spark that sets the world on fire.  find in your heart all that God desires.  dream as big as you want to.  there's nothing that you can't do, when you believe that God believe's in you. 'cause your wildest dreams: no, they can't compare, to all God's prepared; it's true. here's my prayer for you.  may you be the spark that sets the world on fire..."

in complete honesty, the type that tears only typically bring about, this is something i've been wrestling with for a while now.  that same honesty and bold courage is the kind that usually is followed by "i'm going to africa," or "i'm moving to Haiti!"  the frustration in it right now is that i don't know what it is followed by, or if it even is.  maybe it's just a stirring reminder to never become complacent.  maybe it's more.  i want that to be God's prayer for me.  i want to set the world on fire for Him.  i want His dreams to live within my heart, to thrive within my life.

there's been a slew of things i could line up as signs, or dismiss as coincidence and over-analyzing (ooh, i haven't been this good at that since college!).  regardless, i'm not there yet.

if i can be extremely vulnerable, while also not soliciting encouragement or discouragement (because rather, i'm just voicing my own thoughts to verify if any of them make sense), there's a huge tension that hangs between my head and my heart.  my heart is in teaching.  it relishes in the making of cute plans, the designing of classroom themes and bulletin boards, and exciting 18 precious ones with a joy for learning.  but my heart is also in missions.  it is torn, because my head knows i can't do both.  my head knows i have $45,000 in student loan debt.  my head knows that i am paying off credit card debt from college and grad school (and making good head-way, might i add!).  both my head and my heart are in agreement that God is bigger, but in reality, i've got responsibilities to get in order before i can think elsewhere.

my heart wants to be so aligned with jesus and His plan for me.  my head wants that, too.  the question begins with what exactly is that?  i have to assume that it is currently where he's placed me, and the job that He Himself has ordained perfectly for me.  but isn't it always static?  shouldn't there always be progression towards something bigger?

i said a few scary things out loud for the first time about a week ago, about what the bigger might be.  i actually woke up a few times last week with tears in my eyes because I felt God had just been speaking to me about the future.  and y'all, that's scary!

i guess when it boils down, if any outside variable wasn't an issue (money, time, commitment, responsibilities, etc.), the question is: where would my heart be?

i've been avoiding that question for over 3 years now.  i don't think i'm ready to answer it still.  i bought a book when i first moved to nashville 4 1/2 years ago, called "what the heck am I going to do with my life?"  i never finished it.  not out of apathy, not out of boredom, not even out of the a.d.d. i usually suffer when i try to read books.  more or less, its out of fear.  fear that i will discover, or uncover, that i'm not doing what God wants.  or that i'm not living up to my potential.  or that i'm not happiest where i am.  perhaps, that i'm wrong.

maybe it is fear that is causing me to question, maybe it is the tugging of the Lord to move in a different direction.  for now, i will serve with my talent, time and treasures doing the things that He's given me to be passionate about: children, education, Jesus; and not in that order.

perhaps the songs were a whisper.  but in His time, he will no longer whisper.  He will call.  I trust Him enough to do so; He's done it before.

thanks for letting me vent.