all that i can say

so my last post is a song, by the david crowder band called all that i can say. its a simple song, that really spoke to me during my waiting period. i wish i would've posted it then because the emotion tied to it would've been so much stronger.

Lord i'm tired,

so tired of walking

and Lord, i'm so alone

Lord the dark

is creepin' in

creeping up to swallow me

i think i'll stop and rest here a while

this is all that i can say right now

and this is all that i can give

and this is all that i can say right now

and this is all that i can give

thats my everything

and didn't you see me crying,

and didn't you hear me call Your name?

wasn't it You i gave my heart to?

wish You'd remember where you set it down

and this is all, this is all that i can say right now

i know it's not much

but this is all that i can give

and thats my everything

this is all that i can say right now,

right now, i know it's not much

this is all that i can give,

yeah thats my everything.

i didn't notice you standing there

i didn't know that was You holding me

i didn't notice You were crying too

i didn't know that was You washing my feet

and this is all that i can say right now

i know its not much

and this is all that i can give

yeah thats my everything

this is all that i can say right now;

right now, i know its not much

this is all that i can give,

yeah thats my everything.

***

i love the progression of this song. i love the hurt and weariness that you can hear. walking with the Lord, especially in times of pain and loss and uncertainty, is hard; fatiguing. there were some days, i would just bawl to the Lord and say, this is all i have to offer, please accept it. and just fall asleep on the lap of the Lord crying.

looking back, i feel like i'm at the end of the song singing that last verse. that i didn't notice that in the stillness, God was right there, rocking me to sleep, sharing in my tears. i love that image of such a comforting Father. He doesn't like to see his children hurt or suffer heartbreak or struggle or feel broken. but, in that He is able to teach us so much if we're only willing to submit to Him and listen.

everyday we face heartbreak and struggles and pain and brokenness. but what can we take from it? how can we bring glory to God through it if we refuse to learn from it? if it becomes just about making ourselves feel better then we're off chasing the next fleeting happiness. but if in our times of pain, we look and seek the Lord's face, we'll recognize that he is with us through that time. crying with us. loving us. showing us that with Him, our strength is unrivaled, and we truly can do anything through Christ.

and that is all that i can say.

Listen to rhiannondean07s Playlist

seeing the forest through the trees

hi friends. i feel like i've been lacking on keeping up with my blog this week! there has just been SO much going on! and also, i've started a blog that is specifically haiti only, so make sure you check that out too. you can find it here. i wanted to sort of keep these two blogs separate; as this one is a little more personal, and i couldn't imagine all of my family catching up on my month-'o-misery and asking me all sorts of questions. but all of you are okay :)

i can't say it enough, how blessed i have been by your generosity and encouragement. so thank you thank you thank you! your kind words have meant the world to me. thank you for backing me through this and letting me talk your ear off about it, and for sharing in my excitement and for praying for me.

***

now for a little less-haiti post.

***

even though i went to church last night at fellowship bible, i still felt it really important to go to my new church this morning. it has been a while since i last went between the holidays, snowed in days, and not up-to-par days. so i've really been craving it.

at the village chapel we read through books of the Bible, and since i've been attending in October, we've been reading our way through the book of Acts. in today's message, pastor jim stressed how the book of acts is a historical narrative, so we must not mistake it for prose or prophecy. i love how he gives us so much background, cross-check factual information. it makes the history part of it so much easier for me to process. in our dissection of Acts 25, he said he really had a hard time coming up with the bible study portion of it. the entire chapter does not even mention God. it only mentions Jesus, once, in passing reference to him as the dead guy.

so the first-third of pastor jims message was on God's Providence in His apparent absence (paraphrase, my own; my scripture notes are in the car; its raining and i'm in bed. they will stay in the car). after noting biblical instances in where God's absence was real, we went through a plethora of Psalms, in which the authors were crying out for God's presence within their waiting time.

i could feel the pain and the hurt in their cries. i just endured that. i know exactly what they were feeling. leaning on the Lord for patience and trying to learn His purpose in their standstill. i've never felt so sympathetic to the one writing the scriptures before. but, at the same time, i felt like my cries this month have mimicked them, that i could've been equally responsible for writing them.

after psalms, pastor jim displayed a quote from jon bloom, a well-known christian theologian. what i love about TVC is that everything is cross-referenced. whether it be scripture with other historical accounts, or even theology versus intellectuals; they always give more depth through dimension. (side-note; offering a two-part class this week and next on the intersection of faith and reason. i so wish james could be here to see that as i feel like its right up his alley! ah i love that this church values the bible as the word of God and us as the creation of God! i seriously can't get over how much truth, and even how much reason is reflected within that truth; but all of that is an entire different post; just saying, i love my church!)

okay; where was i? pre-tangent? ... oh yes. jon bloom. from his desiring God, bloom writes:

In following Jesus there are seasons of bewildering intensity and seasons of bewildering waiting. He does not want us to panic during either. Jesus is in control of both. When you don’t understand him, trust in his promises. And when you’re not sure what to do next, do the next thing.

i wish i had had a crash course in this bloom-ology prior to going through my season of bewildering waiting. it would've been great prep to know that i'm not the only one, i shouldn't panic. God's in control, i just need to trust his promises and keep moving. even if i just have had a warning that flashed "now entering a season of bewildering waiting," i feel like i wouldve been much better off. especially coming down off the the bullet-train that was last semester, it was both the last thing i had expected and the last thing i had prepared for. i did not know how to deal with the waiting period, but God led me through it. and quite magnificently, i might add.

i know i may not necessarily be out of the woods yet, by any means. but i can see more than just the trees. at church today, i felt as if the short message about the waiting period was a summary of what life has been like for the last month and a half. and at that point it dawned on me, that i think i came out, and i know i'm alive. i felt as if that was a period i'm no longer in, that i was able to look back on. i don't know how i managed to emerge, except for the strength and direction of the Lord and the encouragement he's put in those surrounding me. does it mean that the hurt is gone? not at all. does it mean that its going to be easy? nope. does it mean i wouldn't be happy or even under God's will with a job teaching kindergarten at crieve hall, an amazing boyfriend, and thoughts of a wonderful future, living life as the way i thought it was to be? absolutely not.

but God had a different plan and a different purpose. and that required wait. it required patience. and it required preparation. of my heart, of His plans, of my ability to align my will with His. this is the beginning of a journey that will last through the next four months, but the longevity of the implications, learned even in just this waiting time, will remain with me long after i return to nashville at the end of june.

so i encourage you. read back on the beginning of this blog, and feel the hurt. its not gone, but i'm able to separate it from how i am to keep living to bring the most glory to the Lord. i cry for the first time in a few days just writing this even, so i can't claim that i'm going to be pain-free. in fact, i know that my mind is preoccupied with this final week of nashville and taking care of details that its able to overlook that pain. but the pain and the loss and the emptiness and loneliness and confusion and longing; they will all return with a vengeance when i get to haiti and things settle down and culture shock catches up with me. but i think that God has prepared me for that. i think all of this has prepared me to seek him in my hurt. to know that through my trials, i am able to bring him glory; possibly more than through my successes.

Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. --Romans 5:1-5

hot-in! so hot-in-herre!

i don't have long. and i don't like that the last few of my posts have started like that. but i just got home from a long, but good, night at athens, and i have to get to bed shortly after getting some things done, so i can get up early to sub tomorrow!

so i'll just go ahead and say it. i'm going to Haiti!

i am i am i am!

i'm excited. i'm nervous. i don't really know what to feel. i'm excited to go, but sad to be gone. i'm going to miss nashville life very much. and hot showers; not just warm, like really really hot and long. and air conditioning. and even winter; as it is already 91 degrees there and i haven't a clue how to dress like a teacher in that weather. and of course, i'll miss my church. and my friends, oh so dearly, i'm going to be so lonely! and i'll miss my sabby pup, he's so precious and knows when i'm having a bad day. and goodness, i'll miss my bed! i love my bed!

its going to be a lot of change, and all at once. its not just moving to a new place, its not knowing a soul. its not just switching towns, its not knowing the language. its not just starting a new job, its one i've never done before. its going to be a lot of new, all crammed into 4 months. i'm terrified, and i think i'd be crazy if i wasn't.

but i am eager. god purposed this and threw it together (well, a lot more carefully behind the scenes than i realize, i'm sure!) and that doesn't go without purpose. a lot of people say this is a really noble thing to do. i just think i'm doing the right thing by being obedient to God. its what we all should do. no, i'm not saying we all should go to Haiti. in fact, i'm not fully convinced i think i should even go! i'm just saying, maybe it is noble when we follow the Lord and serve others in love and use your passions how we were created. i just think its doing the obvious.

ya'll please bear with me these next two weeks. i'm about to get real emotional up-in-herre in a few days. so sit back, get some popcorn and follow along. we're just getting started and i promise i'll be a hoot!

okay, i've gotta go work on support letters!

THANKYOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR THOUGHTS, PRAYERS, ENCOURAGEMENT, AND SUPPORT!!! SERIOUSLY, YOU HAVE HELPED ME THROUGH SO MUCH, AND YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT!!! Please follow along and keep in touch while I'm in Haiti. it will mean the world to hear from you! And i want to share this experience as much as i can with those that can't be with me! LOVE YOU!

food for thought

saw this on facebook as i was lurking through the recently updated profiles. felt a strange sense of comfort when reading it. i think i needed it, in light of, oh, the past month (today marked one month btw. crazy).

it is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desires which He creates. -- Amy Carmichael

i am reminded that He has created me with these desires for a reason. all of me, even the bad, was created to be loved. and it is. and it will be. my desires to love and to be love and to give and to serve and to share that with someone; they will be met. he wouldn't make me want that, have the capacity for that, grow in that direction, and then lead me to a nunnery or make me un-wed-able for some reason. it's all part of the hurry-up-and-wait game i'm playing right now. fortunately, words with friends is moving at a faster pace post-crash.

lately, God has been showing me to dream bigger, to give Him more credit, more of a chance to be glorified. I stand both in awe and in terror at the thought of that. life is already crazy enough how it is, and he wants to put that on steroids? okay, God. you typically know what's best, so whatever you say...

so, there you have it. food for thought. hope its pleasing to the pallet. i'm gunna go midnight-snacking for cheese crackers and oreos. shhh. don't tell.

i'll give you details, just all the wrong ones.

can i please just say that this application is more telling and personal than anything i've divulged on my blog, or in my life, EVER? these people are going to think i am indeed crazy, in need of a shrink, constant clinical watch, and a muzzle. this whole blog thing has got me feeling comfortable about telling everything i am thinking/feeling! i'm not sure if that's good or bad. hopefully it doesn't jeopardize me getting in.

... and i know the anticipation is killing you. it is me too. i'll tell you once i have direct word. i think i knew all along where God was leading; but i needed it confirmed through the dismissal of one of the options. now, i'm just praying that they accept me. pray with me.

crunch time

okay ya'll; on the reals.

i'm hoping to hear back on the DR tomorrow. please be praying with me for a few things:

first, that i go where i feel the LORD is leading. that i am able to discern His voice from my own. i feel like i could choose a few selfish reasons to go to either place, so pray that i make my decision based on His conviction.

pray that i hear back and am able to feel confident about a decision in a timely manner. i leave in 1.5 weeks, and i've got a lot to get done between now and then; especially get support letters out.

which brings me to third: that God raises these funds. i almost don't want to choose the DR because room and board would be provided and i have enough confidence in the Lord to provide that i almost want to see him pull it off in two weeks time.

pray i whole-heartedly seek His will; above my own. which is pretty much number 1, just restated. i'm going to do my bible study tonight, and spend a lot of tomorrow praying and fasting, and just relying on the Lord.

hopefully, my next post will reflect the path I feel led down!

many tanked ewes

this is going to be short because i have a ton i need to get done for a side project that will hopefully at least turn into some meat and potatoes for the week.

i just really needed to write about how good the Lord is. and how i see that in how good other's have been to me lately. seriously, ya'll. you deserve one huge, God-sized pat on the back. ya'll have come out of the woodworks to pray for me, encourage me, converse with me, or even just read this little 'ole thing! i have been so blessed this week by good friends, good company, good conversations, and amazing interactions. i've allowed my faith to speak for itself in times of frustration and pain, and i really feel as if God has multiplied that and my own efforts. and dang, he's good.

if what ya'll say is true, through the exhortations and encouragement, then i am so glad that what you take from this blog and from what you see in how i have responded to my circumstances is not about me, but rather, its about God and my faith. i am so thankful that He has allowed me to be vulnerable with ya'll; allowed me to go through this with ya'll; and allowed His glory to shine bigger than anything i could do on my own. i am truly astonished and thankful for what all of this has meant to me.

so thank you, thank you, thank you! for allowing me to write, for sharing in this time with me, for being committed followers of my blog (that sounds too cultish for me)! for recognizing what God is doing in my life, and being encouraged by that too. for finding my beauty through my despair. this, you, The Lord; it's all allowed me to blossom into someone i really feel like the Lord would smile at. i can not give enough thanks for that.

i hope through my tears and open-wounds, something in me becomes more attractive. through my cries and my calls to the Lord, my voice becomes more heavenly. through not what i go through, but what i'm able to glean from it, that my fragrance has become sweeter. i'm praying, and i'm seeing, that all of this has already left me a better woman.

its not over yet. the battle has only begun. but i'm not only armed with the word, shielded by God's protection, and motivated by His call; i have seen that I am walking in step with the most resilient, encouraging, and faithful army God's ever created.

i love you, all.

***

shameless plug: i've added a few more items to my etsy site. i've gotta retake some pictures tomorrow to add a few more, so stay tuned!

i just spent the past hour re-reading my posts from the past two weeks. i'm amazed at the work God has done in such a short time, glory to Him!

what prompted the re-reading is that my sister told me she found my blog (i guess stalking skills are genetic) and seemed to be really intrigued by it (and yes, i do know that means she/you are likely reading this now; and that officially makes it weird. whatev). in a weird way, i found her words to be very encouraging. asking where i learned this "religious stuff," (from God, through the pain), admitting i was actually making sense through my writing (an ultimate compliment from her), even saying reading it (and she read all of it) made her cry, but not sad tears. it was good to know, that even in my pain, frustration, and distance, i was able to reach my sister.

if you know either of us, then you know how very, very different we are. our lives do not resemble each others even remotely. so even in a small way, i'm glad that through my vulnerability to these circumstance, i've been able to connect with her, if even on just a low frequency. i'm thankful that i can use this to bear witness to my faith, my God.

to my valentine, with love. --God

God wants us to honor Him. He wants us to put personal conveniences aside, lay our own ideas down, and get past our stubborn will to have and do things our way and in our time. God wants our obedience, not just lip service. It's one thing to say we'll honor Him but another thing entirely to actually do it. don't wait for the perfect day to start honoring God. make that choice today. don't think you're not doing what God called you to do just because things don't seem as glamourous as you thought they would be. Keep being obedient, keep looking for the next open door of opportunity, and above all else hold closely to our Lord. -- Lysa TerKeurst, "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith"

i'll keep this terse as "it's a quarter-after one, i'm all alone and i ...." nevermind. i just got in from seeing Valentine's Day at the theatre, which is pretty much against everything i stand for: supporting this ridiculously over-commercialized day; paying $10 to see a movie; watching an entire movie without falling asleep; ESPECIALLY one that starts after 10?! overall, i was generally pleased with it, but i am neither siskel nor ebert, and this is not a movie review blog.

something they said towards the end of the movie really caught my attention, but that is neither here nor there, and googling valentine's day movie quotes yields more quotes about love for valentine's day or movie suggestions than it does anything relevant. another day.

i came home and took sabby out in the cold and just stood there, praying. its not wrong for me to love him, and i think i've been trying to convince myself to forget that i do. i think there's more wrong in that, but that's not here nor there, either. i just prayed that we're obediently following Him, and that with each decision we make, especially the little ones, it becomes easier to seek the Lord's path, and live in the light.

seeking refuge from the 20s, i came back inside, and walked past my bookcase. i remembered my stack of books: purpose driven life, the 5 love languages, francine rivers. i picked up what happens when women walk in faith (one of the likely 90% of books on my shelf that i have begun reading but never actually finished (in all areas outside of love, i have a huge problem with commitment)), and opened to this page. that excerpt was starred and bracketed (i also have a habit of over-highlighting riveting text).

i think it was a soft reminder of what this is about, from his side. its about honoring the Lord, choosing to selflessly be obedient today. i think i needed that reminder. it helps to keep me grounded. it helps to know its not that he didn't choose me. it's that he chose Him. i'm proud of that, and excited for that. and i pray that he is faithful in his choice to honor God, and that the Lord, in turn, is faithful in blessing His children whom He loves, dearly.

so in honor of valentine's day, i'm going to try to not consider my own misery, cynicism, or bitterness at the pepto-pink reminders of how very single i am. instead, i'm going to think about the greatest, most faithful valentine of all -- a God, who loved us so much, He died for us. a God, that loves us so much, he forgives us, cleanses us, redeems us, and considers us new. one that won't break things off with us 30 minutes before a valentine's date (guilty), or forgets the special day is coming up. His love is eternal, and it's the only one that won't let us down.

and for that, i am grateful. even though i forget that all the time. this year, and all the ones to come, He will be my valentine.

spoiler alert: the hero cries in this one.

first day of subbing went well. they were precious. and jayme was such a gem and had everything organized and labeled and ready to go for me. that really was a blessing.

it was good to wake up early even, definitely out of the ordinary as of late. i guess it was just good to feel useful and like i had a purpose?

spent some time with the roommates tonight; made a low-key ground-chicken and black beans dinner, talked, stamped a bit, and came down to bed an hour or so ago. it wasn't a bad day by anyones standards, and in comparison to some of the days i've experienced on this roller coaster, it was definitely in the top percentile.

but like 5 minutes ago, i just lost it. i've been really good about keeping everyone's business, including most of my own, out of this blog, but i just have got to be real for a second because tears are exploding my from eyes faster than i can handle. i miss him. there. i said it. and i could say it again, a million times over, and it still wouldn't make me feel better or do any good to change anything. but it would be true. this was supposed to be our weekend. this was something i had been looking forward to. and instead, i'm clearly out of the loop and hurting at the core, and just about everything surrounding that too.

i try to keep all the incredibly way too personal stuff away from facebook and twitter and even here, save for the really personal spiritual insight i've garnered. i don't talk about him, i don't talk about us, and i don't talk about how i miss both of those, terribly; particularly right now, badly. so please don't chide me when i say that in my own self-pity, because really, thats what this is, but my feelings are on such a rampage right now, they would rather err in the side of regret, rather than be insensitive to what i am experiencing!

there's a lot about this impending weekend that kills me; overlooking the obvious, sunday. mainly the fact that I was supposed to be in Little Rock tomorrow, instead of spending tonight watching as my perfectly good day just came crumbling down for no apparent reason.

this is not one of those times that i seek and find God's purpose in the pain. and you know what? i think thats okay. i think i should be allowed one breakdown in almost 4 weeks in which i don't try to learn anything; i just allow myself to sob and feel and exhale and be pitiful and selfish and jealous and all things retched.

i've got no answer. i have no happy ending. i really thought i was going strong, making it a few days without tears. but even giving this daily to the Lord, i can not find enough strength to make it through yet. especially this weekend.

new.

i've managed to upload some of my stuff onto etsy! i've only got 4 items on there, and have 5 more that i've already made to add tomorrow when i get a chance! check it out here.

***

tomorrow is my first day of subbing. i'm slightly terrified, but praying that my first day of work since DECEMBER reminds me that i love doing that, i AM good at it, and encourages me for Haiti/DR.

***

with that said, i HAVE decided to do it. i should know beginning of next week where. this is all going way too fast, and i will have less than 2 weeks to fundraise. so keep me in your prayers PLEASE! i will leave nashville Feb 27th; formal announcement to follow.

***

my number of page views went up like a million in the past two days. ya'll make me blush. and quite nervous!

***

God is far, far, far too good ya'll. even amidst the brokenness, there is healing. He knows our sufferings; He let His only Son die a cruel, heinous death on the cross; for us. He suffered so that we may know life abundantly. when we feel broken, hurting, and are suffering, we have to remember that. its hard to remind ourselves of, and other times, we forget the truth in that. He knows our suffering, and because of that, we can know His love.

letterman's top 10

a friend is a friend is a friend. don't forget your friends. and don't let them forget that you are always there for them, no matter what.

***

when you stop worrying about your weight, it takes care of itself. or maybe when you're too worried about everything else to worry about your weight. either way, i was a 123 sopping wet. (no, really. straight from the shower.)

***

when it's God's timing, he works out the details. if he can get a selfish, hopeless(romantic), girly girl like me to move to HAITI, he can figure out all the rest of it too.

***

i love that my dog curls up on the bath mat waiting for me to get out of the shower. he doesn't want to be away from me even when he knows exactly where i am; and he follows my every move. if only we could be more like that with God.

***

you don't have to erase memories to move past them. so instead, consider buying a new shower curtain and saving the old one in your closet. then again, i'm only here 2.5 more weeks.

***

there's a reason beth moore's bible studies only have 5 days a week. follow her method, and your head won't explode.

***

laughter is the best medicine. especially at the expense of the cast of jersey shore.

***

if you're out of laughter, comfort food, caffeine, or nyquil work pretty well, too.

***

once you reduce your calling plan on your cell because you were using 250 minutes a month, every person you know will call you. and you will answer. and you will have a TON to catch up on. if you're ever lonely and need to talk, change your monthly plan. white. on. rice.

***

challenge yourself to say one off-the-wall, nice thing to someone unsuspecting each day. you can not imagine the impact it will make on them (and that it has made on me).

friends, actually.

some insight i've learned today. i'd rather log it here than lose it; but most of it won't make sense to anyone else.

***

in a unique, 'love, actually' type way, i had three very different encounters with friendship today; all which lead me to believe that friendship knows no wrongs.

first, i had lunch with one of my super-close girlfriends. a spiritual sister. a confidant. a trash-tv'er. sitting there talking, i was so blessed by her kind words, her support and her affirmation. she offered such christ-like love in her listening and advice; and i feel as if the Lord himself would have been sitting with us, He would have felt blessing from our conversation. i love the closeness that allows me to lay all the pieces of my broken heart on the table, and i'm not chided, i'm comforted. i'm not lectured, i'm loved. i'm not talked out of depression, i'm talked into encouragement. like a puzzle, we talked about each little piece as we put it into its correct place, and i was so blessed by the care and character in which we were able to do that.

***

i got an email today from california. from a friend i've known longer than i've liked hanson (trust me, that's a long time; and in fact, we fell in love with them together!). we had a falling out about 6 years ago, and things haven't been the same since. but, she came across my blog, and emailed me a contact that might help me out with the haiti sitch. even aside from the potential support from her contact, what struck me most amazing was that, even after all these years, and the ups-and-downs, all that it took was a facebook message with a simple act of kindness, and i'm reminded that even if we don't speak for a few years, she'll always be there for me; and i will most definitely always be there for her. even in our distance and absence, friendship knows no bounds.

***

tonight, a good friend called me. i had mentioned haiti the other day as a thought, in passing really. and today i texted a favor regarding my flight. in the stead of my insensitivity to the fact that although all of this has been happening in my life, i haven't really made a proper proclamation, she put the two together and then started reading my blog that i had emailed her. realizing that she had no clue (largely in part of my partially intentional neglect to tell her) about any of this that was going on in my life, she called and we had a long, tear-filled, heartfelt, encouraging conversation. both equally as guilty, we had let our close-friendship slip through the cracks of our over-worked, under-paid lives. in the mix of the hustle of work, school, internship, projects, church, boyfriends, or what-have-you, we let a great friendship in which we used to complete each others non-sequitur sentences turn into one you read about each other's lives through a blog. her calling me tonight was an olive branch; one that will undoubtedly be recognized and met with my own increased efforts.

i am telling this story with purpose, i promise. she had such good things to say; so much encouragement, insight, affirmation of character. in beginning to diffuse her praise-- (because, although we love it sometimes, it also makes us feel awkward, and even though we often say oh no, stop, stop! inside, our heart is often saying please go on), in beginning to argue against certain strengths, i felt the low soft whisper of the Lord say don't. let her. you both need this.

and he was right. as her words continued to flow, so did my tears. i needed to be encouraged, desperately. and i think she needed to encourage. i could sense so much regret in our negligence to our friendship, and that pained me so much, as i could tell it had, her. so we talked, and cried, and cracked each other up for the better part of an hour and a half. i revealed all the dark, frustrating, depressing moments that have been the past two weeks (really?! only two weeks!? i'm never going to make it), along with all the strength, growth, insight, and truth that i've drawn from the Lord through it all. she gets me in a way that only a handful of people truly get me. i am very fortunate for those friendships, and conversations such as the one had reminded me just how necessary it is for me to continue to affirm those friendships and keep current in them.

***

the Lord blessed me in three very different ways by three very different friendships. the undoubtedly-(teal)-bridesmaid kind. the wedding-guest-that-travels-294085-miles-no-matter-what-to-make-sure-she's-there kind. and the will-play-the-best-roll-out-casio-keyboard-at-your-reception kind. in person, email, or phone; in nashville or LA; in talking daily, a few times a month, or maybe just once a year. i know that i am blessed beyond belief for the friends i have. i hope they know how thankful i am for their presence in my life, and how a simple email, apology, or affirmation that i was neither seeking nor expecting, makes my heart cry in a joyous chorus of an SATB range, and sing praises to the Lord for the people that are in my life.

rain dance

the fast tempo'ed cadence of the rain mixed with the medley of quick-fired thoughts in my mind is making it impossible for me to sleep. it's not bad enough i have to be up in 5 hours, and at school for 9; but my body as of late is used to an "extended" sleeping period of sorts.

i should be exhausted. i've prayed for just about everyone i know. i've laid down all of my worries and hesitations and fears and insecurities at the feet of the Lord, asking him to take them until morning. i've broken out in hives, currently on my left cheekbone. and i've laid, still, for an hour with no success.

i just hear the pat-pat-pat-pat of the steady drip of rain down the gutters next to my window. much quicker than my pulse, and although typically soothing, is not above causing anxiety tonight.

to not risk turning into an emotional mess as we speak, at further detriment to my slumber, i will leave with this confession. i, am scared.

be blessed.

"we'll see how God's providence is at work through a multitude of life-moments strung together on the same strand. in His faithful sovereign hands, even negative moments of decision, encounter or action can become treacherous steppingstones towards a grand Kingdom destiny."

***

"hopefully ... the eyes of your heart (will) see how an unseen God works in similar ways in your own life experiences and remind you that He is never more present than when He seems strangely absent. thats what providence is about." --beth moore, Esther

i find an odd sense of comfort in this. a few days ago when i said that even immersed in His word and learning from this period of stillness, that i felt disconnected with the personal-ness of the Lord; that i have been putting in all these hours so it seems, but that God's presence seemed sort of lacking. wow, way to doubt your Lord and Savior, Rhiannon. but this is about being real. and if i'm not real to you, chances are i'm not being real to myself and my thoughts either.

as the past few days have been coming together and the lord has been orchestrating a really grand symphony piece for me, i've been really struggling at feeling his presence. and maybe the beth moore quote gives me an eerie sense of hope in that just because i don't see it or feel it, the Lord is very much at work in me.

i have to give glory to Him because i have learned through some very unsuspecting people, in even the most simplest of ways, that my writing has been refreshing, comforting, or encouraging to them in their own trying times. i am so thankful that God can use what i am going through, and turn it into both a learning and stretching experience for me, and a glorifying occasion for Him. so thank you, faithful readers, for allowing me an outlet to share my teary moments and strengthful ones the same. i am so encouraged that people can tell i'm walking out my faith; especially in light of the circumstances. and i hope that that, in turn, encourages you to do the same.

be blessed, and know that our God has both a plan and purpose; a will and a way; the strength and the encouragement; the comfort and the rest; the gift and the reward. i'm believing in that for all of you, and i pray that whatever situation you are in, you are able to glean eternal wisdom from it, even in the most difficult times. you're stronger and have so much more potential to do great things than you could ever imagine. i'm so blessed by each one of you, and the impact, no matter the size, you've made on my life. your encouragement has made a world of difference.

lamaze

okay friends. i am about to get real on a whole new level. and i'm scared to do that. because once these words leave my mouth-- er, fingertips-- they become real. and that, is scary. enough weed whacking or whatever (beating around the bush, there it comes. i'm a little slow these days). here goes.

i might go to teach in Haiti.

and i leave all those lines for the deep exhale i have to take to even type such a thing. it sounds absurd. and crazy. and ...what?! trust me, i know. i think those every time since this crossed my mind a few days ago. its a long story, and, although its not likely featured on E! news, you can read it here.

*preface* this is the first time i've put this out there. i've only spoken these thoughts to two people, and not even in great detail. so bear with me as i orchestrate my thoughts. also, please please please do not be offended if this is how you find out. in fact, feel honored that i'm allowing (wow, that sounds prideful-- totally not meant to) you to share in these intimate thoughts and prayers between me and the Lord. i contemplated keeping it a complete secret until i felt an answer one way or another, and i've done that in other situations where its been perfect and right. but with this one, i think accountability is a big thing. i feel like the less i talk about it, the less likely i am to actually do it. so i do plan on talking about it, and soon, but i just need to give God time to get there.

***

a few days ago, while refreshing the sub-finder page, oh, 3940845 times, i started looking on craigslist. under anything and everything. i wound up looking at costa rica, where my dad has a place. i saw a few teaching opportunities and thought, well, i could do that if nothing comes up. at least i'd get experience. talking to my roommates the next morning, they both said they could see me do something like that.

fast-forward, quite slowly however, and i wound up googling international opportunities. on an ESL mecca site, i saw a post for teaching in Haiti. and thats when i felt like one of those tomato trucks from palmetto slammed right into me. duh. haiti.

i began praying about it, and spent the majority of yesterday researching, praying, and starting to fill out an application. i thought i must be crazy, but this is why it makes sense:

since i started blogging after i returned to nashville from arkansas, i've deemed this period in my life as "the waiting time" or some close synonym. i've said that even though frustrating, i feel like the Lord purposed this time in my life; that i'm being forced to be still against my will, and trying to learn everything he's teaching me through this. i feel like had this waiting time not been taking over my life, i would have missed this. the standstill allowed for me to focus my attention on whatever His call may be, and to not have any excuse (i'm still in school; i just got a new job; i'm waiting to hear back about an offer; i've got this commitment) to NOT go.

i began thinking about what i would be comfortable doing time-wise. i know its not about comfort, but i do know this is not a full-time call, nor have i ever felt led that way with any of my trips. so practicality-wise, i was feeling like through june. which gives me a chance to get back, and hopefully interview for positions here during july. and it gives me experience teaching, something i'm having a really difficult time getting here.

right now, i'm in the process of figuring it out. i want to make sure that this is what God wants, and isn't any form of me taking the easy way (really?) out, or running from dealing with life (pouvons-nous dire Paris?) or any form of mal-intention. in praying, or whatever that was, earlier i kinda just said to God- first, if this wasn't right, you wouldn't let me go. and secondly, if isn't the best of what you had for me, going to serve can never be bad... right?

it's all very surreal typing this and knowing people are going to read it and its going to become real. i want to talk to you all about it; trust me. and please please please don't take offense. i haven't even mentioned it to my mom (whom i talked to for the first time since i left to go to arkansas, and i have yet to even mention the break up to her; it don't want her to worry about me. because she does; a lot. that's an entire other blog). in fact, the first person i even made mention to, was someone i've only met once, and through facebook. i just read yesterday that she is going to do something similar and i was asking for her details.

i can't say one way or another if this is something that is going to happen. at this point, its just a prayer. i've got an application to send in, i'm waiting to hear back from another outlet in Haiti that i've contacted via YWAM, and am waiting for details about another school on the island when the teacher gets there in a week. i am just saying that i am open to going where i feel led by the Lord. after all, thats how i ended up in Nashville.

the big things i need prayer on right now are: details and finances. i will likely be raising support; which means humbly asking my friends and contacts to provide my income. i will have bills back here to be paid while i'm gone; but to be honest, i'm really just trusting God with it and don't seem too worried. i'm humbled to think of having to raise support through june, and feel like the way i need to approach that is to just seek a small monthly contribution, like $5 a month pledge of financial support to earn a living while i'm there. i also need prayer for direction. if God leads me to an opportunity here, then thats great. and if i feel like it is right, i'll accept it. i have in no way felt committed to this idea yet. i'm just making sure i'm free to go where God leads.

thank you so so so much for your prayers, and if you have any suggestions or comments, feel free to leave them here. i will definitely be keeping everyone posted. remind me to just breathe.

i have a headache

its not quite 1 a.m., but i'm tired. and i'm so glad to confess that. i haven't been able to see clearly since about 6 p.m. (in the literal sense) and i think my eyes have have perma-dilated from a combination of tears, too much TV, and lack of quality sleep in the past 24 hours. i considered taking a sleep aid earlier and just call it quits, but at that point, i hadn't been up for 12 hours yet. and i still needed to do my bible study (since i nixed that yesterday in rebellious angst and a need for a break from my mind).

i'm glad i forced myself into it tonight, albeit at midnight, but still. i found out that i actually wrote the third devotion. a few days ago actually; the entire blog about being good enough and insecurities; smack dab in the middle of beth moore's Esther. can i file for royalties please?

***

for the sake of keeping this short so i can pass out without regret, i have a confession to make. is it possible to be too inundated with the Word? like, i feel like in all my hurt and pain, I'm trying to see what the Lord is teaching, and how i can grow from it, and how i can relate it to something else that makes sense-- the word with my life-- and i have found that in my quest to seek the wisdom and comfort and knowledge of the Lord, i've manage to take some of the most comforting, personal-relationship-ing features out of it. with as much time as i am seeking Him through my pain, and honestly and purely seeing past the pain into how He is strengthening me-- i feel like i haven't even really prayed or made a sincere, personal connection with the Lord in the past couple days. its paradoxical to me; unless of course, i'm becoming Catholic (sorry, low blow).

i honestly just think my mind is just as exhausted with this as i am. i just wish i could wake up in a year, with everything figured out and the pain relinquished from my every thought and action. misery is exhausting.

and with that, i'm going to bed. sorry to be debbie downer tonight; it really wasn't an awful day. james and i talked, for an amazingly long time, and not to say i found comfort in that, but i think it was good to acknowledge and express where we honestly were, not just spiritually, but emotionally, in this process. it was really the first time we had since i returned to nashville, and i think it was very necessary for both of us. because every break up is as unique as the two people that were in the relationship, we tried to come to an agreement on how to keep things healthiest between us. for february, we've decided to limit contact and stop texting/emailing, etc. and speaking just once a week.

i ask for your prayers; that each of us are able to see through this pain to focus on the larger picture: an aggressively passionate pursuit of the Lord and obedience to His will. in that, i've got some big things i'm also praying about: namely the Lord to lead me in the right direction for a job, in whatever respect that might be; only He knows. in the meantime, pray that i am able to get some subbing positions (i.e. out of the house, with money into the bank).

i really hate to leave on such a piss-poor note; but somedays, thats all that can be done.

coeur d'attente

if you look over here ----------->

and down a little bit, i've added a link to my new etsy shop. now, mind you, its empty right now. but by the end of the weekend, it shall be full. of what you ask? well, i just can't reveal that quite yet. but i will give a little teaser:

seeing as how i've come into beaucoup des temps lately, i've decided to put my talents to work. or hopefully. sew, i am opening up an etsy shop. and in honor of this time in my life, i've named it coeur d'attente; a waiting heart. i think it appropriately sums up why and for what reason i've taken to sewing. and blogging. and just about anything inexpensive, time consuming, and at home these days.

so check it out and feel free to inspire me.

hurt in the healing

i remember breaking my ankle my junior year of high school. it was 10 days before our annual county cheerleading competition and i was devastated. the physical pain was like nothing i ever felt before. it wasn't even my driving foot, but i couldn't even get in the car because the angle i broke it.

at the hospital, they showed me the x-rays and told me i had fractured it in two spots and also had two sprains. the competition was out of the question, and if my ankle didn't heal right, iwould need surgery to get screws put in it.

the recovery process was long and difficult. i still had to attend cheerleading practice and games, even though i wasn't even permitted to stand on it. it was so difficult to be around what i loved and not get to participate. i got around school in a wheelchair and had to rely on others to help me get around.

i'll never forget when the time came to get the cast cut off. as i went to take my first bare-legged (well, aside from two months of unshaven hair) step, i collapsed. something i had done for nearly 16 years, i could no longer do. the cast may have come off, but i was still in the beginning of the recovery process.

i was required to wear an air cast and attend rehab twice a week. at first, i still had to use crutches to get around. with cheerleading tryouts around the corner, i needed my ankle to get healthy quick. i ran for miles on the elliptical. i traced the ABCs with my toes under my desk at school. i cried in pain as i completed the one mile run with my air cast tightly squeezing my swollen ankle.

if i'm on it for too long, my ankle still swells. as far as i know, my body has been repaired. but the swelling serves as a scar, that reminds me of the pain it once replaced and the adjustments i had to make to get better.

***

today, i realized that i am still very much in the recovery process. my heart is still fragile. it still needs bed rest and plenty of fluids. i'm still very much broken. my heart, my life is fractured and sprained. and i have a lot of rehab to do before my body is healthy again. i have to learn to function in ways i'm not accustomed to. some days i may feel strong. but that doesn't mean i'm ready to run a marathon. i have to take this one step at a time. learn how to use a wheelchair. how to get around with crutches. how to shower with a cast on. how to sleep comfortably. and thats okay. broken bones don't heal over night; nor should i expect my broken heart to.

i need to be weary of days like yesterday. we all do. days like yesterday are deceptive, in the sense that they make us believe we're stronger than we actually are. soon, days like that will replace the hard, painful days like today. but these days, the ones that hurt so bad, are a reminder that our body has endured a trauma, and traumas take time to get through.

days like today are bittersweet. one day i'll look back at how much i was able to draw from the Lord, and i won't remember the pain that it took to get me to that place. days like today remind me, callously, that i am not in control. nor am i ready to do this on my own.

and i'm thankful that i don't have to.

comme ci, comme ca. d'accord.

there's no spiritual discernment to dissect, no revelation to revel in, no enlightening epiphany to explain in grand detail.

no, today was much different than that. and i'm okay with that.

today was more like real life. more than it's been lately at least. it was usual. i showered. i sugar scrubbed. i shaved. i did 3 loads of laundry, reheated left overs for lunch. checked all the district sites. lysoled the house. ran errands (i haven't even had errands to run since i've been back). requested transcripts. mailed out 4 more resumes/applications. picked up my w-2's and even did my taxes. did i mention, i did them by myself??? i got my florida fishing license in the mail. with my student loan statement. i registered for subbing, and have been obsessively pressing the refresh button for six hours now. i watched grey's. i had crackers and hummus and a morsel of torte, for dinner. i read through tonight's bible study. i even picked out my outfit for tomorrow incase i get a 4:50 a.m. wake-up call from the district needing a sub.

my point is not to tell you the monotonous details of my otherwise unimpressive day. my point, is that today was pretty typical. sure, i love that the Lord has been using my "waiting time" to teach me and strengthen me and encourage me (even in light of the discouragement that said "waiting time" seems to breed). but simply knowing that i can return to a place of normalcy is comforting. to know that i can begin to, once again, make it through chores and errands and get things done without fear of imminent breakdown.

i said to myself in the shower this morning-- i'm going to be okay. this is all going to be okay. and for today, i was able to believe that. so maybe, in it's own monotonous, bland, unimpressive way, today was enlightening.

teaching and trekking

such things were written in the scriptures long ago to teach us. and the scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God's promises to be fulfilled. (Romans 15:4)

if i could only choose one scriptural truth to summarize what this past week (has it really only been that long!?) has looked like, it would be Romans 15:4. the scriptures have indeed been teaching. and giving hope. and breeding encouragement. did i mention, i'm patiently waiting for God's promises to be fulfilled?

in light of a conversation we had last night, i feel like this verse is furthermore affirmation of the validity, truth, and promise of God's word. just to come to it in the midst of a study i began today on Esther (thank you @sessystina for recommending it and encouraging me to do it via distance learning with you girls back home), and to really know that regardless of divisive issues of inerrancy, divine inspiration, or qualms over textual attribution-- what is at the heart of the matter is that this book is truly littered with truth. read over the past week of entries and try to argue that the scriptures have not been teaching me. that they have not generated hope, or gave new life to encouragement in my heart. i'm overwhelmed by not only what this scripture means alone, in its entirety; but by how mightily it serves as affirmation for what i've already known and have come to realize through this time of grief and openness to the Lord.

scripture cannot come without effect to the receptive soul. God is up to something profound in your life or you wouldn't be holding this Bible study in your hands. He not only desires to teach you but to transform you. His Word is living, healing, restoring, enlightening, direction, and empowering. it invades every part of our lives if we'll let it. --Beth Moore, Esther

i want that to serve as encouragement to him; and i want my life to be a testament of living proof to how His word heals. restores. enlightens. guides. empowers. in the past week alone, i've witnessed the amazing transformation in my own life as the Lord uses His word to heal/restore/enlighten/guide/empower me. i hope that my blog bears strong witness to that. this is by no means about me. i want everything i'm experiencing, every inch i grow, to glorify Him.

when we trust our lives to the hand and pen of an unseen but ever-present God, He will write our lives into His story and every last one of the will turn out to be a good read. with a great ending. and not just in spite of those catastrophes. often because of them. dont' just wait and see. live and see.

in my education classes, we learned that the best way to pass on knowledge to a student is to make it relevant and meaningful to their schema. deliver not only in language they can understand, but in a way that becomes applicable to them. beginning this particular bible study at this particular time in my life is nothing short of divine. God is able to meet me exactly where i am with exactly what i need to hear. this is made relevant and meaningful; i will be able to apply what i'm learning.

what better way to learn than from the master Teacher Himself.

***

i am so excited to get started on this study. no lie: the first few pages of history had me frustratedly re-reading passages for third and forth times because i can not, for some unknown reason, absorb historical information. i reluctantly persevered and found myself in the midst of a story where truth and encouragement highlighted my story of grief. this study of esther opens with words that, in their hebrew form, "introduce impending catastrophe or doom." frantically scribbling in the margins and underlining nuggets of truth, i was already enthralled by how poignant the text of the introductory lesson was. has a negative event or a near-eternal wait // recently made you lose hope about something important to you? do you have any natural reasons to think that whatever you "once upon a time" might have been, it can never be now? i feel like this passage was written just for me in this very painful time! each emboldened phrase (emphasis, my own) was like a shot of lidocaine to each of my appendages, until i was numb enough to soak it all in.

i'll admit: i'm not really a habit sort of person; even good habits. it's easy for me to get on a kick for a week or two with something, but after that, i get bored or something else for me to become obsessed with comes up. in spite of that, i hope to continue through with the study, all 9 weeks of it!

please be praying for continued growth, encouragement, and strength, on behalf of the Lord, and for both of us. we're barely at the base of mt. fuji with our equipment and dressed the part. but the journey has just begun, and its bound to get rocky; impassable at times. please pray for our perseverance, along with the persistence and conviction of the Lord to remain obedient in seeking Him. pray for the Holy Spirit to revive us on days we become apathetic, and reveal Himself to us on days we seek motivation.

in Him, we will reach summit.

superficial.

not to compromise the integrity of this blog, but i just saw that both Heidi AND Spencer follow me on twitter. if only they knew i dropped them faster than a benjamin at Express...

that is all.

truly.

sorry to disappoint.

mon-two

this is an addendum to my previous BG post. i felt like the overall tone would be compromised (which might have been a good thing, seeing as how the last entry read like an eulogy) if i made these points within; therefore, i've decided they are best fit for their own post. hesitant to start, this might be better further broken in two; no sadistic, self-inflicted pun intended.

***

my body is physically fatigued. my mind, exhausted. i find myself unable to even skim through text, and have yet to even begin reading the edge-of-your-seat sequel "sweet little lies" by the famed lauren conrad.

the plethora of emotional and spiritual tumultuousness (oh, don't worry. it's a legit word. ask webster.) i've experienced today could likely rival moving away from home, being present for my nieces birth, and meeting hanson. no, i'm serious; and it hurts that you laugh.

but the encouragement, the empowerment, even the (dare i say:) exhilaration!

confiding in, sharing with, and flat-out bawling to lauren this morning was hard. i'm human. which is my prideful way of saying, it's all about pride, ya'll. being vulnerable and open and exposing my wounds in a here-i-am-again way is embarrassing. especially because it's not the first- or even second- relationship in which has granted my heart season passes to brokenheartsville. but it's true. i struggled a lot with opening up about it this time, because i'm afraid of the i-told-you-so's, the agains?, and the i-thought-you-thought-this-one-was-"different?" i concede. you win. you're right, on all fronts. but, so am i. (and with that i'm done defending my pride, and am seeking your future forbearance.)

digressing, i felt such righteousness in the convo with lo. to watch and listen as she recounted her own pain, to see her take on my tears as her own; i was beyond blessed by the example of christ-like friendship she exhibited, i was sheerly blown away. the presence of pain was real, in both of us. fortunately, the presence of the Lord was bigger.

i came home, cried some more. talked about why i was hurting, while crying, and then cried some more. realized i had yet to eat all day, and ventured out for a breather and bite to eat (and LC's new book, on sale at target!). such a heaviness still overwhelmed my heart.

as i was sitting down at my computer, and not even feeling inspired to blog, i received a text from christina. it was Psalm 51:17 (although i'm citing the NLT):

the sacrifice You desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

(for sake of context, the verse prior was: You do not desire a sacrifice, or i would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering.)

i did a parallel text comparison with the message bible which read:

Going through the motions doesn’t please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don’t for a moment escape God’s notice. (Psalms 51:16-17, MSG).

i'm astounded for a few reasons: the most notably, that was just what i needed. how good is that!? the Lord wants my broken spirit; He will not reject my calls. but even more encouraging/comforting/relieving is the message version; cut out the bible-speak and get on-the-reals with me.

when my pride was shattered, i learned to worship the lord without just lip-service.

God is entirely attentive to the fact that my life is heart-shattered and ready for love. i am overwhelmed by the audacity of this verse, and the truth and comfort i find in it.

i'm also overwhelmed that the Lord knew exactly what i needed to hear, exactly how i needed to hear it. through christina, the Lord was able to speak to my heart. and through her i also witnessed such a tremendous blessing and example of christ-like friendship.

today, i've realized my worth to the Lord.

He loves me so very much that not only would he reveal that to me through his word, but through the loving actions, relationships, and people surrounding me. and i don't believe for a second that he is not glorified and delighting in each small, yet magnificent, word/act/prayer they offer on my behalf. i am truly blessed, and it is moments like this that i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my God is my Creator, my Healer, my Savior. He is personified in the loving and lasting relationships that He has carved out and blessed in my life. a Galatians 6:2 call to bear each other's burdens is exhibit in their authentic response to my pain and struggles.

John 15:12 "this is my commandment. love each other in the same way that I have loved you. there is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends ... now you are my friends, since i have told you everything the father told me. You didn't choose me, I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. this is my command: Love each other."

possibly the most poignant verse to me is the most unassuming. now you are my friends, since i have told you everything the father told me (v. 15b). i feel like this is my call even to writing this blog; that what the Lord reveals to me daily, through my triumphs and struggles, is only for me to pass along. that it is my duty to share that with you, so that you, too, may be enlightened; although foregoing the pain and grief it took me to arrive at such revelation.

this is my command: love each other (John 15:17, NLT). preceded by John 13:34, love each other. just as I have loved you, you should love each other. and even dating back to the jewish faith in OT times with love your neighbor as yourself in Leviticus 19:18. Further comparison of the Hebrew used for neighbor in the last quote seems to refer to a close companion, a fellow Jew (of like-mind/spirit).

we know from the aforementioned scripture that God clearly insists that we love one another, and 1 Corinthians 13 is the most famed reference regarding what Godly love should look like. i don't believe it is limited to romantic love, or even forever love. i think it should be our mantra for every decision, every action.

what does a 1 Corinthians love look like? patient. kind. forgiving. rejoiceful. perseverant. trusting. hopeful. enduring. what is it not? jealous. boastful. proud. rude. demanding. irritable. faithless.

in their efforts of just 'being-a-friend', my friends have shown me that they don't only answer the call of the Lord to love; it resembles a 1 Corinthians' caliber of love.

how could i not get off this roller-coaster feeling exhilarated and encouraged?