hurt in the healing

i remember breaking my ankle my junior year of high school. it was 10 days before our annual county cheerleading competition and i was devastated. the physical pain was like nothing i ever felt before. it wasn't even my driving foot, but i couldn't even get in the car because the angle i broke it.

at the hospital, they showed me the x-rays and told me i had fractured it in two spots and also had two sprains. the competition was out of the question, and if my ankle didn't heal right, iwould need surgery to get screws put in it.

the recovery process was long and difficult. i still had to attend cheerleading practice and games, even though i wasn't even permitted to stand on it. it was so difficult to be around what i loved and not get to participate. i got around school in a wheelchair and had to rely on others to help me get around.

i'll never forget when the time came to get the cast cut off. as i went to take my first bare-legged (well, aside from two months of unshaven hair) step, i collapsed. something i had done for nearly 16 years, i could no longer do. the cast may have come off, but i was still in the beginning of the recovery process.

i was required to wear an air cast and attend rehab twice a week. at first, i still had to use crutches to get around. with cheerleading tryouts around the corner, i needed my ankle to get healthy quick. i ran for miles on the elliptical. i traced the ABCs with my toes under my desk at school. i cried in pain as i completed the one mile run with my air cast tightly squeezing my swollen ankle.

if i'm on it for too long, my ankle still swells. as far as i know, my body has been repaired. but the swelling serves as a scar, that reminds me of the pain it once replaced and the adjustments i had to make to get better.

***

today, i realized that i am still very much in the recovery process. my heart is still fragile. it still needs bed rest and plenty of fluids. i'm still very much broken. my heart, my life is fractured and sprained. and i have a lot of rehab to do before my body is healthy again. i have to learn to function in ways i'm not accustomed to. some days i may feel strong. but that doesn't mean i'm ready to run a marathon. i have to take this one step at a time. learn how to use a wheelchair. how to get around with crutches. how to shower with a cast on. how to sleep comfortably. and thats okay. broken bones don't heal over night; nor should i expect my broken heart to.

i need to be weary of days like yesterday. we all do. days like yesterday are deceptive, in the sense that they make us believe we're stronger than we actually are. soon, days like that will replace the hard, painful days like today. but these days, the ones that hurt so bad, are a reminder that our body has endured a trauma, and traumas take time to get through.

days like today are bittersweet. one day i'll look back at how much i was able to draw from the Lord, and i won't remember the pain that it took to get me to that place. days like today remind me, callously, that i am not in control. nor am i ready to do this on my own.

and i'm thankful that i don't have to.