i have a headache

its not quite 1 a.m., but i'm tired. and i'm so glad to confess that. i haven't been able to see clearly since about 6 p.m. (in the literal sense) and i think my eyes have have perma-dilated from a combination of tears, too much TV, and lack of quality sleep in the past 24 hours. i considered taking a sleep aid earlier and just call it quits, but at that point, i hadn't been up for 12 hours yet. and i still needed to do my bible study (since i nixed that yesterday in rebellious angst and a need for a break from my mind).

i'm glad i forced myself into it tonight, albeit at midnight, but still. i found out that i actually wrote the third devotion. a few days ago actually; the entire blog about being good enough and insecurities; smack dab in the middle of beth moore's Esther. can i file for royalties please?

***

for the sake of keeping this short so i can pass out without regret, i have a confession to make. is it possible to be too inundated with the Word? like, i feel like in all my hurt and pain, I'm trying to see what the Lord is teaching, and how i can grow from it, and how i can relate it to something else that makes sense-- the word with my life-- and i have found that in my quest to seek the wisdom and comfort and knowledge of the Lord, i've manage to take some of the most comforting, personal-relationship-ing features out of it. with as much time as i am seeking Him through my pain, and honestly and purely seeing past the pain into how He is strengthening me-- i feel like i haven't even really prayed or made a sincere, personal connection with the Lord in the past couple days. its paradoxical to me; unless of course, i'm becoming Catholic (sorry, low blow).

i honestly just think my mind is just as exhausted with this as i am. i just wish i could wake up in a year, with everything figured out and the pain relinquished from my every thought and action. misery is exhausting.

and with that, i'm going to bed. sorry to be debbie downer tonight; it really wasn't an awful day. james and i talked, for an amazingly long time, and not to say i found comfort in that, but i think it was good to acknowledge and express where we honestly were, not just spiritually, but emotionally, in this process. it was really the first time we had since i returned to nashville, and i think it was very necessary for both of us. because every break up is as unique as the two people that were in the relationship, we tried to come to an agreement on how to keep things healthiest between us. for february, we've decided to limit contact and stop texting/emailing, etc. and speaking just once a week.

i ask for your prayers; that each of us are able to see through this pain to focus on the larger picture: an aggressively passionate pursuit of the Lord and obedience to His will. in that, i've got some big things i'm also praying about: namely the Lord to lead me in the right direction for a job, in whatever respect that might be; only He knows. in the meantime, pray that i am able to get some subbing positions (i.e. out of the house, with money into the bank).

i really hate to leave on such a piss-poor note; but somedays, thats all that can be done.