spoiler alert: the hero cries in this one.

first day of subbing went well. they were precious. and jayme was such a gem and had everything organized and labeled and ready to go for me. that really was a blessing.

it was good to wake up early even, definitely out of the ordinary as of late. i guess it was just good to feel useful and like i had a purpose?

spent some time with the roommates tonight; made a low-key ground-chicken and black beans dinner, talked, stamped a bit, and came down to bed an hour or so ago. it wasn't a bad day by anyones standards, and in comparison to some of the days i've experienced on this roller coaster, it was definitely in the top percentile.

but like 5 minutes ago, i just lost it. i've been really good about keeping everyone's business, including most of my own, out of this blog, but i just have got to be real for a second because tears are exploding my from eyes faster than i can handle. i miss him. there. i said it. and i could say it again, a million times over, and it still wouldn't make me feel better or do any good to change anything. but it would be true. this was supposed to be our weekend. this was something i had been looking forward to. and instead, i'm clearly out of the loop and hurting at the core, and just about everything surrounding that too.

i try to keep all the incredibly way too personal stuff away from facebook and twitter and even here, save for the really personal spiritual insight i've garnered. i don't talk about him, i don't talk about us, and i don't talk about how i miss both of those, terribly; particularly right now, badly. so please don't chide me when i say that in my own self-pity, because really, thats what this is, but my feelings are on such a rampage right now, they would rather err in the side of regret, rather than be insensitive to what i am experiencing!

there's a lot about this impending weekend that kills me; overlooking the obvious, sunday. mainly the fact that I was supposed to be in Little Rock tomorrow, instead of spending tonight watching as my perfectly good day just came crumbling down for no apparent reason.

this is not one of those times that i seek and find God's purpose in the pain. and you know what? i think thats okay. i think i should be allowed one breakdown in almost 4 weeks in which i don't try to learn anything; i just allow myself to sob and feel and exhale and be pitiful and selfish and jealous and all things retched.

i've got no answer. i have no happy ending. i really thought i was going strong, making it a few days without tears. but even giving this daily to the Lord, i can not find enough strength to make it through yet. especially this weekend.