seeing the forest through the trees

hi friends. i feel like i've been lacking on keeping up with my blog this week! there has just been SO much going on! and also, i've started a blog that is specifically haiti only, so make sure you check that out too. you can find it here. i wanted to sort of keep these two blogs separate; as this one is a little more personal, and i couldn't imagine all of my family catching up on my month-'o-misery and asking me all sorts of questions. but all of you are okay :)

i can't say it enough, how blessed i have been by your generosity and encouragement. so thank you thank you thank you! your kind words have meant the world to me. thank you for backing me through this and letting me talk your ear off about it, and for sharing in my excitement and for praying for me.

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now for a little less-haiti post.

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even though i went to church last night at fellowship bible, i still felt it really important to go to my new church this morning. it has been a while since i last went between the holidays, snowed in days, and not up-to-par days. so i've really been craving it.

at the village chapel we read through books of the Bible, and since i've been attending in October, we've been reading our way through the book of Acts. in today's message, pastor jim stressed how the book of acts is a historical narrative, so we must not mistake it for prose or prophecy. i love how he gives us so much background, cross-check factual information. it makes the history part of it so much easier for me to process. in our dissection of Acts 25, he said he really had a hard time coming up with the bible study portion of it. the entire chapter does not even mention God. it only mentions Jesus, once, in passing reference to him as the dead guy.

so the first-third of pastor jims message was on God's Providence in His apparent absence (paraphrase, my own; my scripture notes are in the car; its raining and i'm in bed. they will stay in the car). after noting biblical instances in where God's absence was real, we went through a plethora of Psalms, in which the authors were crying out for God's presence within their waiting time.

i could feel the pain and the hurt in their cries. i just endured that. i know exactly what they were feeling. leaning on the Lord for patience and trying to learn His purpose in their standstill. i've never felt so sympathetic to the one writing the scriptures before. but, at the same time, i felt like my cries this month have mimicked them, that i could've been equally responsible for writing them.

after psalms, pastor jim displayed a quote from jon bloom, a well-known christian theologian. what i love about TVC is that everything is cross-referenced. whether it be scripture with other historical accounts, or even theology versus intellectuals; they always give more depth through dimension. (side-note; offering a two-part class this week and next on the intersection of faith and reason. i so wish james could be here to see that as i feel like its right up his alley! ah i love that this church values the bible as the word of God and us as the creation of God! i seriously can't get over how much truth, and even how much reason is reflected within that truth; but all of that is an entire different post; just saying, i love my church!)

okay; where was i? pre-tangent? ... oh yes. jon bloom. from his desiring God, bloom writes:

In following Jesus there are seasons of bewildering intensity and seasons of bewildering waiting. He does not want us to panic during either. Jesus is in control of both. When you don’t understand him, trust in his promises. And when you’re not sure what to do next, do the next thing.

i wish i had had a crash course in this bloom-ology prior to going through my season of bewildering waiting. it would've been great prep to know that i'm not the only one, i shouldn't panic. God's in control, i just need to trust his promises and keep moving. even if i just have had a warning that flashed "now entering a season of bewildering waiting," i feel like i wouldve been much better off. especially coming down off the the bullet-train that was last semester, it was both the last thing i had expected and the last thing i had prepared for. i did not know how to deal with the waiting period, but God led me through it. and quite magnificently, i might add.

i know i may not necessarily be out of the woods yet, by any means. but i can see more than just the trees. at church today, i felt as if the short message about the waiting period was a summary of what life has been like for the last month and a half. and at that point it dawned on me, that i think i came out, and i know i'm alive. i felt as if that was a period i'm no longer in, that i was able to look back on. i don't know how i managed to emerge, except for the strength and direction of the Lord and the encouragement he's put in those surrounding me. does it mean that the hurt is gone? not at all. does it mean that its going to be easy? nope. does it mean i wouldn't be happy or even under God's will with a job teaching kindergarten at crieve hall, an amazing boyfriend, and thoughts of a wonderful future, living life as the way i thought it was to be? absolutely not.

but God had a different plan and a different purpose. and that required wait. it required patience. and it required preparation. of my heart, of His plans, of my ability to align my will with His. this is the beginning of a journey that will last through the next four months, but the longevity of the implications, learned even in just this waiting time, will remain with me long after i return to nashville at the end of june.

so i encourage you. read back on the beginning of this blog, and feel the hurt. its not gone, but i'm able to separate it from how i am to keep living to bring the most glory to the Lord. i cry for the first time in a few days just writing this even, so i can't claim that i'm going to be pain-free. in fact, i know that my mind is preoccupied with this final week of nashville and taking care of details that its able to overlook that pain. but the pain and the loss and the emptiness and loneliness and confusion and longing; they will all return with a vengeance when i get to haiti and things settle down and culture shock catches up with me. but i think that God has prepared me for that. i think all of this has prepared me to seek him in my hurt. to know that through my trials, i am able to bring him glory; possibly more than through my successes.

Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. --Romans 5:1-5