holiday hiatus

eek. it has been almost a full 3 weeks since i've posted, and who knows how long before that it was that i actually read anything in my blogfeed!  i don't know about you, but the last two weeks of work before break were absolutely HEINOUS! so much stuff that literally, some of it just did not get done in time!  slash, too much to even begin to pack it ALL in!

speaking of packing, that didn't even happen until the DAY i was leaving.  but some sort of miracle occurred. the students left, the parents cleaned, and i packed up my things to go and left school at 10:30.  and for the first time this year, perhaps even longer, i did not feel rushed.

i got home. cleaned the kitchen. washed my linens. cleaned out the refrigerator??? put away laundry?????


and i did it all without rushing to get through it.  the thing that was even more strange?  i enjoyed it.  every. bit. of. it.

i didn't force myself to slow down, nor did i really even invite myself to it.  I just sat down and opened my eyes and said, "whats the rush?"  and realized, there is none.

not to say that my entire christmas break was spent with such an outlook, but i'm going to try to have a similar perspective going into the new year.

beautiful things

you make me new, you are making me new. -- gungor, beautiful things

i'm half-laughing, half-crying on the way to the Salvation Army Community Center in East Nashville on Saturday.  i certainly had no idea what i was doing, and the reality that i had no business even being there began to plant seeds of doubt in my heart on Friday night.  i considered the options: hoping for illness to render me hospital bound (true story).  calling in "sick."  or showing up, humbled and with a teachable heart.

i wish i could say option three sounded the most appealing, but ...

so, i'm armed with two trips-worth of pvc pipe.  a king-sized sheet.  christmas lights.  a coffee-filter flash diffuser.

and somehow, it all became a photo studio.  even more miraculously, somehow, i showed up-- humbled, with a teachable heart.

you make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust.


with eagerness, i took a moment to watch everything come together around me.  the man, helping me iron the wrinkles out of my brand new sheet backdrop.  the teenage boy that ran to find duct tape to ghetto rig hang my ghetto-sheet  back drop.  his brother and dad that helped to string the christmas lights intentional, bokeh-inspired back-lit ambience.  the other photographer, Jill, that so generously allowed me to use her large soft-box, as opposed to my puny studio spotlight.  He works all things together for the good of those that love Him, i thought to myself.  an abundance of gratefulness began to swell in my heart for this moment.

and i hadn't even fired a single shot yet.

then, the families came.  and after the first mom looked at the photo on the screen of my camera and said, "that one there looks real nice," with sincere gratitude and joy, my heart shattered into thousands of tiny shards, like a glass ornament colliding with the ground, but only better.  far, far better.

the families had nothing.  or next to it.  many of them showed up in sweatpants, hand-me down rags-to-riches, and even shirts with holes in them.  they didn't care.  the pride wasn't in their appearance (although many did come color-coordinated, so you know they tried so very hard to look their best).  the pride, and joy, was in the photo.  a moment, captured forever, with all the siblings, or multi-generational, or with auntie or nephew or cousins.  the laughter and smiles and joy was so palpable that it was indeed shared with me over the viewing of their snapshot.

the smiles in the photos weren't forced; they were thankful.  they were joyful.  they were beautiful.


you make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us.


out of nothing, He made something happen.  He brought beauty to life.

blogover

hi, my name is rhiannon. and i am a recovering blogger.  i went on a binge (30 days of Thankfulness ... at least, it was supposed to be 30 days worth...) and woke up with a huge blog-over.  i swore i would never blog again.  i just couldn't; it was too painful.  but as you can tell, here i am again... so, here goes nothing.

in the time since my last post, God has continued to bring me into new, exciting, and terrifying territory.  the funny thing is, i never realized it would be on familiar ground that He would walk me into new things.   i thought for a new season to come, that i must say goodbye to the old, and to Nashville.  but, at least at this point, i don't think he's leading me away from the city; rather, he seems to be deepening and spreading my roots across this town, in a way that a tree grows strong and fortified.

regardless of what comes next, Pastor Jim said something today that really allowed me to connect to this season:  We must first walk in obedience in the things we know we've been called to, and He will lead us from there.  it's not about running off to another land to find where I am meant to be: it is sewing into where I am right now, and seeing where God might lead me off to.  it's not seeking out a purpose or a passion or even a partner to run this race with.  it's investing in those he has already blessed me with, and watching as they blossom into beautiful things.  it's not about having a broad bucket-list of items checked off by the time i'm thirty; but rather, its about how deep i grew into the fields in which i'm already involved.

God has truly been amazing me as of lately.  by bounty of blessing, to rewarded with responsibility, He certainly knows the plans He has for me.  I needn't be afraid; for the Lord God is with me, wherever I shall go.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 29 - Skype

really? you're thinking.  after all this mumbo jumbo spiritual stuff she's thankful for, she throws a curve ball with a computer app?

yes.  yes i did.  

but skype is no angry birds or the free trial version of cut the rope.  skype is revolutionary technology, somewhere just shy of teleportation (and perhaps, the best substitute as of yet).  

tonight, our DMS group met back up for a "fellowship" night.  that is a fancy way to say that we aren't done with what God is doing (or, rather, He is nowhere near done working in us), and we're pursuing and cultivating the relationships and revival culture that DMS furnished for us.  we are somewhere between being just merely a Bible study, and really being a church; what distinguishes us from each is that we are not looking up to a pulpit to be fed, nor are we quite pouring out and serving those that come to be ministered to.  rather, this season looks as if we are going to learn what it is like to be discipled, and to walk towards leadership with each other.  it is a very unique place, and the ground is fertile for all that the Lord wants to do with us, in us, and through us. 

as we worshiped, prayed, studied the word, and discussed how to proceed with this 'fellowship' here in nashville, we were tri-continental.  yes, TRI!  our DMS leaders Di and Bram were both tuned in on Skype (on two separate computers) from Jakarta, Indonesia and Melbourne, Australia, respectively. one of the DMS students was visiting family in oregon and tuned in as well.  we all came from 4 different time zones, 2 different days even.  it was awesome to worship God here in the Love's living room, then have Di open us in prayer from a lobby in Indo, where Jakarta Life Church is set to launch on Sunday.  we all virtually laid hands on Frank, the pastor to pray for an anointing and declare God's promises over the new church body from across the globe.  then we gathered around CeCe and Alvin, to pray for an anointing and divine wisdom, guidance and knowledge as they open their home and lives to walk towards the huge things God wants to do here in Nashville.  as we concluded prayer in their living room, my friend Alvin (their son), prayed for them over skype from Australia as well.  it was seriously as if every person was in that room at the same time, and such a neat blessing to have people in four very different places praying this all into being and standing in agreement before the Lord.  it was truly such a unique thing to be a part of, and i could not be more excited for all that is to come within this fellowship family! :)

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 28 - Ministry

it wasn't until recently (read: last week sometime) that i realized ministry didn't necessarily only happen in a church or on a missions base.  it didn't require a degree in theology, nor a fancy title.  ministry is simply what happens when your talents/passions are driven by jesus and meet a need of a person/group/community. 

last sunday at church, i learned about Hope Clinic for Women here in Nashville.  beginning 25 years ago as a crisis pregnancy center, Hope Clinic has evolved to include professional counseling and medical care, in addition to prevention education and offering pregnancy mentorship and education.  meeting with Beverly and Katie tonight, i saw their passion for the women, community and cause that they serve.  they truly are ministers of jesus to each lovely soul that walks into that building. 

tonight was a volunteer orientation at Hope Clinic, a ministry i didn't even know existed, nor did i really have a heart for the cause, just a week ago.  but sitting in that room, things seemed to click (quite reminiscent of sitting in the volunteer orientation for Ellie's Run for Africa in which God removed the blinders, opened my eyes, and literally breathed international education into my heart).  i sat there, and realized this was their ministry.  for some of the girls they see, this is the only ministry they may encounter, or at least, the first of such.  this is a place of mercy and grace.  this is a place with great need.  God was stirring my heart, igniting care for the cause and these women and what they are going through. wow; He certainly works ALL things together for the good of those that love Him.  

at church, i was praying for an opportunity to serve somewhere using my photography.  literally, at the end of that prayer, on the HC video showing at TVC, she literally said: "photographers! we need you, too, to photograph the moms and their new babies."  

the day before, AND a week before that, two separate people prophesied over me that they saw me getting involved in women's ministry.  i hesitated at the first, say what?!  working at a church?  sorry bout it, not happening.  then the second one, i thought, wow, God really is trying to get my attention about something. it didn't even click until AFTER i got word back about the orientation that THIS IS women's ministry!  this is using my passion and talent as a platform to serve others and do it because of what Christ has done for me and because He has equipped me with these gifts so that I can use them to minister to the needs of others!  and the opportunity to practice my craft? seriously, He blows me away at His goodness. 

ministry is all around us.  be thankful for the ministries in your community, being the love of Christ.  and tune in on your own ministry; what does it look like? how can you develop it?  what sort of legacy will it leave?  

i am so excited for this season of new things that God is going to walk me through as I partner with Hope Clinic.  I challenge you to do the same in your sphere of influence!  God can use you AND your ministry! :)

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 27 - Blogs

if you're actually reading this, chances are this post could hold true for you, too.

blogs.  so. many. blogs!

and no time to keep up with them! i admit, there are days i don't even log into my blogspot account, because i know i will want to read.  and you can't just read one.  in fact, i follow two blogs of friends that are off doing missions around the world right now, and i am email subscribed to their updates. if i did not do that, i would miss each of their musings because i barely make it past all the blog headlines even.

i could spend a week doing nothing but reading and writing blogs, and then maybe, just maybe, i would be caught up. even on these 5 days off, i managed to catch up a little: but i am still missing out on so much.

the problem (and yet, the whole thing i'm thankful for in the first place!) is that i get so much information from the blogs i follow!  they transport me to living back in haiti, letting me in on little-known-secrets of life as a missionary, or remind me of how relatable our experiences could be.  or, they offer TONS of teaching advice, empathy, strategy, or simply good lesson ideas or freebie printables! (which actually saves time in the long run, am I right?!).  then there are the feel-good blogs: about love and travel and jesus.  i *hope* my blog winds up in that category, although if it were in google+ it would totes intertwine all of the aforementioned circles! (haiti+teaching+travel+jesus = rhiannondean07.blogspot.com!)

i digress; i genuinely appreciate a good blog.  for the connection to a past memory.  for the creation in my schema of a future one.  for information and ideas that make me better at what i do.  for moral support that reminds me the frustrations and emotions and passions i have are real, and i'm not alone in them!  i am thankful for a community of blogs and their owners that exist for the betterment of their readers!  thank you jesus for freedom of speech.

now, if there were just more time... :)

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 24 - Family

as i woke up today on thanksgiving morning, i flipped on the macy's thanksgiving day parade and sat on my couch to continue yesterday's crafting excursion.  although i don't vividly remember watching the thanksgiving day parade as a child with my family, the sense of nostalgia the parade evokes is authentic enough to rewrite that portion of my past if it didn't already exist.  suddenly, i missed my family.  and then, my mamma called.  and then, i talked to my daddy.  and i called my sister on her way to my aunt and uncle's house.  in just a few hours, i was sitting on a front porch, with my iphone in hand, on a video skype call with my entire family: aunt, uncle, cousins, sister, daddy, even some people i didn't know.  it was as if these 700 miles weren't all that far; that i could sit on a cell phone and yet be in the same room as my family back home.  i don't know which i'm more thankful for here: my family, or the technology that keeps us together.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 23 - Creating

if you are a woman, enjoy baking, sewing or creating, or have even been anywhere in the vicinity of the internet in the last 6 months, chances are, you've heard all about Pinterest.  you know, the new heroin in the soccer-mom and DIYer circles.  and if you're anything like me, you have somewhere in the realm of 500 "pins" (okay. i confess.  744 to be exact.), and have spent countless hours browsing through stranger's boards, saying to yourself, "just one more page, and then you must go to bed!"  okay, maybe you exhibit more self-control than i do, and that's okay.  but if you don't, then you will appreciate the day that i had today.

i spent all day planning, preparing, and creating (yes! FINALLY creating!) from the inspiration i've collected on my Pinterest!  i've scoured this town (literally all corners of Nashville!) from Michaels, to McKay's used books and Goodwill, to Dollar Tree and Walmart, and even down to Joann's Fabrics in Cool Springs!  I literally spent 9 hours driving and combing through craft aisles, creating each project in my head at first sight of the materials!  picking out the perfect tulle for peacock tutu's, gathering all the just right pieces to decorate my mantel, figuring out just how much i need of this, and where the cheapest place to find that would be.

and then: at 9 p.m., i began to create! and it was MAGNIFICENT!  from book trees galore to book page birdies.  a village of lighted and embellished mason jars.  more jute rope and burlap than you can shake a stick at.  and don't forget the metallic gold spray paint and glitter!  i am a few items short of an etsy shop, but i literally enjoyed every second of crafting.  it gave me time to put my creativity and eye for aesthetic composition to the test, and honestly just exercising my ability to create gave such a renewed sense of personality and self-worth! (how lame and grandma-ish did that sound?!)  with every step and project completed, i felt a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment; you know, the kind that comes and you step back and admire that you just made something really great (without actually being cocky or arrogant or prideful).  i think i sort of got a glimpse of what God must've felt when after all that He created, He stepped back and said, "It is good."

what a thought to think that He created us and then said, "It is VERY good."

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 20 - Radical Faith

(can you believe it is already day 20?! i've gotten in the ridiculously good habit of daily blogging/journaling! i say that in complete humility of course.)

today, i am most thankful for radicality.  that is not a word, but it ought well should be.  as 'ought well should' should be a phrase.  radicalness.  radiful.  okay, you get the picture.  i'm not talking about being radical in the sense of pouring water on an ant hill, dying your hair pink, or bungee jumping off the empire state building.  i'm talking about a Luke 17, mountain-moving, radical faith. 

okay, i confess.  i haven't seen any of the himalayas shift as of late.  but, i will tell you what i have seen in my life:  lives transformed by the power of the Lord; gifts of the Holy Spirit being poured out onto SO many receptive hearts; the gift of healing for my neck in high school; speaking of tongues and receiving of prophetic words; financial miracles; the opening up of heaven and singing along with the angels; spiritual warfare so apparent that it was almost tangible and visible; strongholds broken; ravaged hearts and lives repaired; the restoration and redemption of many.  i think the only thing i have YET to see is a demon being cast out of a person, but with where my faith is headed, i'm not worried that i won't see it in this life time (i have seen someone i believed to be possessed, in Ethiopia. i could feel it within my spirit the moment she tore through the door and into that one-room home).  and friends: each of these are mountains in the eyes and souls of many.  

i'm thankful for radical faith of others: that brings them half-way around the world from Australia, to lead a group of 20-somethings into revival.  that opens its mouth to speak the heart and words of God over a person they don't even know from Adam.  that stands in the gap, interceding for friends and family and believing that God is faithful to complete the work He has begun.  for radical faith that drives you from being completely self-sufficient, fine on your own without the Lord and doubting His spirit, to speaking in tongues, to being baptized in a freezing cold swimming pool after a house-church service. 

for radical faith lived out in my own life: hearing from God to move to Nashville, and then to do it. in 10 days.  to go to Africa.  to go to grad school.  to go teach in Haiti.  these were all very specific things God spoke to me, and they all are HUGE, and require great time and investment! and talk about a change of comfort!  I am not attributing any of these things to my own strength, direction, or even desire at the time; but rather to the faith that the Lord has developed in me, and His persistent voice that does not lead me one step to the left or to the right of where I need to be.

for radical faith that will lead me towards things prophesied over me this weekend: influential in the realm of academics (doctorate??), in a place of dirt, with little children all around, being lead with joy to the Lord (haiti!?), a sailboat filled with the spirit, destination unknown, but it doesn't matter because God is with me wherever I go (can we go back to my own vision of the merry-go-round, AND Joe's word about God-ideas!?!?!); a strong, beautiful, and well-dressed might i add, woman of authority, surrounded by a group of young women that view me as a sister or mother (women's ministry, via Jasen Chung?!!?) good freaking gracious, it took a lot of courage for those people to step out in faith and declare what God was speaking to them over me.  a lot of radical courage, and radical faith.  and it will take radical amounts of each of those to walk into the fulfillment of each of these.

i also want to applaud a radical church here in Nashville that i fully believe did the right thing today.  the pastor got a call from an inner-city ministry saying that many families were in desperate need of food.  so, instead of preaching, he decided to be jesus, and send the congregation back out; to not simply go to church, but rather, to be the church.  they had u-hauls waiting at 3 different groceries, to collect and deliver the food to those in need.  wow.  that is RADICAL!  people don't do well with change.  i'd be jaded if i showed up to church and no one was there!  he decided to have RADICAL LOVE for these people, and i am fully convinced that Jesus would've done the same.  

comfortable, complacent, and safe does not change the world; radical living, giving and serving will.  join me in becoming a radical woman of God. 

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 19 - Revival! (and a video blog bonus!)

normal Rhiannon has recently left the building. permanently. 

revival is spreading in our Nashville community, and it would be a sin of omission to not be a part of it. 

God did SUCH incredible things this week at DMS; shattering my preconceptions of God (yet again), laying down a spirit of guilt, fear, shame, or embarrassment, gifting just about EVERYONE with the gift of tongues, giving wisdom through the prophetic, breaking off ties to the demonic, cutting us free from bondage, and establishing forgiveness where bitterness and resentment once held ground.  and all that is just within ME! ha! God is so good!

here is a little video summary of the week, with emphasis on today's teaching on the prophetic!

y'all, we must have radical faith! grounded in the word, most importantly reflecting Jesus: His love, His mercy, His forgiveness, His pursuit of the will of the Father; we must never look like anything less than He did.  that means we need to be counter-culture.  not to simply stir up an uprising, but rather to not be what everyone expects Christians to be like.  which, unfortunately in America in this day and age, is half-hearted hypocrites.  we don't love like jesus did.  we don't get angry at sin the way he got angry.  and we are not nearly even half as generous with mercy and forgiveness as He was ... and instructed us to be.

i know it begins with revival.  and revival in a community or city or even a home must begin in our own heart.  Jesus, the time is now. you have set this heart ABLAZE for you!  FIRE!  More, Jesus! MORE!

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 18 - Worship

 But we worship at your throne—eternal, high, and glorious! --Jeremiah 17:12


O God, we meditate on your unfailing love as we worship in your Temple. --Psalm 48:9


Worship the Lord with gladness; come before Him, singing with Joy. --Psalm 100:2


But the time is coming—indeed it’s here now—when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth. The Father is looking for those who will worship him that way. For God is Spirit, so those who worship him must worship in spirit and in truth. --John 4:23-24

Something truly powerful happens when we come before the Lord in a spirit of humility, He will exalt us in His honor.  He gives grace to the humble.  We don't find ourselves in a receptive spirit when we walk in pride and not humility.  

Tonight, we learned to humble ourselves in the presence of God.  and His grace was overflowing. 

We spent 2 hours in worship, finishing at 12:30!  Mid-way through, I opened my eyes and looked around.  people laying on their faces, on their backs.  sitting on their knees with arms held high in humility.  standing with arms spread wide.  strewn about the room, with all the chairs pushed back against the walls, about 40 people were captivated by the spirit of God.  sitting at His throne was a beautiful experience.  i looked around, not judging or taking note of who looked more spiritual.  rather, i just smiled, as my heart swelled with God's love for each of these that were on their faces before Him.  it was just between us and God, and we sat in the throne room, worshipping, interceding, praying, praising and just listening to the Spirit.  i wish words could accurately describe those two hours of time, but nothing short of the glory of heaven will ever portray just how beautiful a time with the Lord it was. 

i sat there praying, thinking about how as we all warred together in the spirit, that we were establishing bonds and ties in the supernatural/spiritual realm, and those ties can not be easily broken.  I prayed and asked that God would help continue to allow these relationships to thrive, that this joy, vigor and revival would be sustainable and attainable within our every-day life.  each of our spirits in the unseen realm are engaged in a battle in which the front-lines are not on our own, acknowledgeable territory, rather within the spiritual realm.   As our spirits battle on together, we war over our friends, we stand in the gap for our city and our nation, and we praise the Father for the opportunity to corporately worship in a setting that blesses our hearts so much more than it seems we are deserving of.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 17 - Heaven

The following is an excerpt from worship tonight.


This image of redemption, revival and reconciliation in front of me right now is a picture of Heaven on earth. People on their knees, even on their faces, before the Lord. In the word. Your broken, rejected ones being prayed fire and seeking restoration. Tears released along side of fears; mercy flowing sweeter than the melodies on the baby grand.


Father, tonight, you delight over us. You gather us up in your loving arms and you say, "Abba Father is here. And I love you."


Tonight, we are no longer strangers. No longer a mix of black and white, of old and young. We are a glimpse of the heavenly realm, as we delight in you, beg for you, carry one another to the cross.


Your love is vast enough to cover, not only my laundry list of sin and rebellion, but the collective brokenness that daily life has left us. You fix us. You make us new. In your image. As we were created.


I've seen your image.


It is beautiful.


I guess it's high time for me to start believing I'm beautiful too. After all, you are my identity.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 16 - Truth and Forgiveness

Perhaps I'm all out of sorts reusing one topic AND doing a combined thankfulness, but I'm pretty sure I'm on the far left of conservative on here when it comes to radical faith in Jesus.

SO much truth was spoken tonight regarding the realm of forgiveness in our faith. If I only had my notes out next to me (and was not typing from my iPhone) I would absolutely quote the nuggets of wisdom from Di tonight.

I will say this: when we choose to harbor unforgiveness towards someone, we are denying the very mercy that Christ has given to them in the same way he graciously gave it to us as we approached His mercy seat for forgiveness. That's radical thinking, in which I've never been presented with that idea before. I'm thankful for fresh revelation.

I am also thankful to have been standing in a room full of people crying desperately for the restoration of the lord. The sound of tears and sniffles was overwhelming comforting and blessing in its own right. To know that the kingdom seekers I am walking life out with, have been broken, too, before the Lord, with the purpose of restoring their wounded souls? Our God is merciful. Thank you Jesus for your free-flowing love.

I wish I had proper time to write and reflect on this whole week. I'm not able to process nearly enough of it; yet, I'm not able to prepare nearly enough for school either. Almost 2 full time jobs, and I am beat!

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 15 - Authenticity

For authenticity of joy. In friendship. In prayer. In spirit. Of encouragement. In love.

Jesus, thank you for being an example of an authentic man after the Lords will. May we model you in flesh and Spirit. Amen.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 14 - the Spirit

i swear, this blog is beginning to become a graveyard for posts that never quite make it to the net.  i have two that i am working on that are not yet done, and rather than finish them, i start another; afraid i will miss some important details.

and then, i fall asleep writing.  as i just did here.

so- just the highlights.  spiritual high today from this weekend. SO blessed. beyond blessed.  expectant for it to continue from this weekend through this week. patience and joy came; they were hard at times, but they came.

God's presence was all around us tonight.  i felt SUCH a sense of joy and of His excitement for what He is going to do tonight.  There was an outpouring of His spirit.

i'm literally falling asleep again so I must get this down.

as people were praying for the gift of the holy spirit, i continued to worship, and i felt like i was supposed to reach out and pray for the girl standing right in front of me.  so, reluctantly, stepped up a few feet, and leaned in to ask her if I could pray with her.  she eagerly agreed, and i just prayed according to the spirit for her.   i felt like maybe God was speaking "restoration," but, it wasn't very clear, and I didn't want it to be just me.  i sort of felt like, oh, well okay. i didn't get anything for her, nor do i know what i even prayed for.

at the end of the song, she turned around, bawling, to tell me thank you.  in that moment, i felt the Lord show me that He is working, even when I don't see the evidence.  all it took was a step in obedience; i didn't know why or for what, or even see the result at first.  but wow, he used WHATEVER it was i was praying for her, and he begun to work in her heart.

my spirit became broken for her, and i just began to speak out truth over her: that God delights in her so much, and that He longs to see her fully restored and her heart healed of any pain or suffering. That he wants to restore her to how he created her, and that he desires her wholeness even more than she does.

i could be wrong. she could think i am a kook. or, maybe, just maybe, i made a bold step in faith and have walked in obedience, all the while, being used by God as a minster of His heart.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 13 - Gifts and Blessings (spiritually speaking)

i know it doesn't look like it, but i have been writing every day.  i may not finish the post, but by golly, i at least get it started! (day 12 is half-written, but it's 12:30 and I'm going to get up in 5 1/2 hours, so, ... priority).

this one, this one I will finish.

this weekend has been crazy intense. in a good way.  no, actually ... in a great way.  having jasen and the sex+money crew in town has done miraculous things for my soul.  even though getting everything together in time for their arrival yesterday, and doing my southwest video (hopefully, Day 21 of Thankfulness.. more to come on that, later!), was a bit hectic, it all was well worth it.  seriously, just their presence in my home, and the opportunity for me to fill a need and be hospitable and serve them has done w-o-n-d-e-r-s for my heart.  i love how God totally blesses us as we serve others.  i'm pretty sure its one of the secrets to life long happiness.  somewhere just south of diet coke and chocolate.  i kid.  sort of.

this morning, i got to get up and make the guys breakfast.  i can't tell you the last time i did that.  and i can't tell you how much i loved it.  even more than i loved the nutella, banana biscuits. (finally! the bananas aren't going to go bad because i won't eat them!)  i missed having schmorgasboard breakfasts circa the Estes house!

i spent the afternoon at Crema, a coffee show in downtown Nashville.  i don't even drink coffee, so i don't really do the coffee house scene.  so it was all that more special for me because it was so rare.

after the crew left for their soundcheck, i decided to bake pumpkin chocolate-chip muffins on a whim.  i cooked dinner and baked cookies last night, cooked breakfast this AM, and now muffins?!  seriously, the opportunity to cook & bake so much has blessed my heart, y'all! i'm so sick of cooking for 1, while the vast majority of the leftovers go unconsumed.

the documentary tonight was pretty intense. i kept asking the Lord to really break my heart for it, like, face-first weeping into the floor, but it didn't come.  but instead, His revelation did.  in so many ways.

first, i realized, He gives us broken hearts for different things, things in which we can have the biggest sphere of influence and the most impact.  early today, i realized that i finally was at a point that i could be, and was, really excited for the spiritual gifts and talents of others, without coveting them, or looking at them condescendingly.  we have all been uniquely gifted and blessed and given passions and callings for a reason-- to expand his kingdom within our sphere of influence.

secondly, as Morgan shared, she touched on two things: first: putting the first commandment first: loving God with all we are.  out of THAT intimacy with Him, we are moved into action by loving our neighbor as ourself.  it's amazing how quick we are to forget that.  secondly: as we do this, we are restored as He ministers to OUR hearts.  He is just THAT good.

then, I felt as if tonight the Lord is beginning to "till" my heart.  that this week is going to be a lot of crazy, intense times with jesus, and this documentary, although great and intense and provoking, wasn't necessarily a be-all, end-all for me.  God's already got other plans underway with my heart and passions (learning that it's okay to not feel led towards EVERY act of goodness and mercy and justice!)  He was using tonight to prep the soil; to put my heart and mind in the right frame and spirit.  stirring it up enough to have my attention and my desires placed in His hand.  I got the vision of me on this merry-go-round.  as it spun and spun, i got split-second images of each place surrounding me that my eyes locked to.  every scene looked so inviting, that i just wanted it to stop right then and there, so that i wouldn't miss out on what God had for me.  i thought this image over in my head, but didn't make a ton of sense of it aside from that.

as we returned home after the screening and worship, scott asked if they all could pray over me, as we had to say our goodbyes sunday night since i was leaving for work so early on Monday.  during our time of prayer, they all spoke prophetically over me.  and i can not even share how merciful the Father is to reveal His heart to me about things that only He would know; confirming other things that only I would know.

joe prophesied that i am a protected daughter.  no plans of the enemy will prevail over me.  He also said that he saw that I had all of these ideas as of lately, and that they were all from God (as in, I didn't have to second guess which ones were of the flesh, and which of Him).  this was radical to my heart because He had no idea of the list of things I wanted to do with my life that I wrote last month, or that I was doubting what realm they were conceived in.  this also was confirmed because I am not in a season where I feel like I am struggling much.  I haven't really felt under enemy attack much lately, and have had a substantial amount of peace with the Lord (aside from this what-am-i-doing-with-my-life identity crisis i've been experiencing.

then Megan prophesied that she saw me just having a conversation with God.  that it is just about friendliness with Him.  not always having to expect a big, grand revelation, or always be about praying or praising, but just talking to him, in the car even.

oh, and then, there was jasen.  this man is dangerous.  i knew this after meeting him in Haiti. he is the chuck norris of intercession.  he is round-house-kicking the enemy in the face on a daily basis.

so he gives me the good news first: how i'm in a place of total freedom, being myself before the Lord.  that I'm no longer at a place where I am questioning, "is this God?" but rather, saying 'Jesus, this is you, here I am." this coincided even with what I felt God was speaking to my heart at worship tonight:
(being okay with who i am and who he has created me to be; being confident and mature in faith; even the assurance of tonight as i stood in his presence, saying "Lord, whatever it is, doesn't even matter, I am yours. I jsut want to be where you are. I trust you, because this is too big for me to understand or to plan or figure out. i'm limited in time, money, resources.")

all was fun and games. and then, then he propheseyed that women's minstry was on my heart.  he said, take it or leave it, that's what he got from God. to be honest, haven't thought one day ever about that.  maybe God is on to something....?

regardless, the gifts of others have been a blessing to me as of lately.  they have also allowed me to sew into my own gifts (as i believe hospitality and baking is a huge one!)  i am so thankful that God gives us people that edify us, and opportunities to serve others with our giftings.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 12 - Friends

i know it might seem like i'm double dipping into my thankfulness jar, and re-writing a post that has already been written.  but, i would argue that my last post on the Famlee was more about the facet of community, whereas this post will reflect my gratitude for my friends and their each, distinct contributions to my life.

last night, i met up with my friend Evan to brainstorm over a video project we've been discussing.  sitting there, talking over dinner and shooting ideas back and forth, i just thought about how fortunate i was that someone with a schedule so sporadic would commit to dedicate their time and talents to helping me out; for no gain of his own.  i'm thankful for the selfless heart i see in my friends.

after dinner, we continued the brainstorm sesh at Shelley's, with a group-think format.  running ideas across her, Kurt and Carly proved ever-valuable as I highly respect their opinion and their eye for asthetics.

to be honest, i was slightly discouraged as the group's excitement and willingness/availability to help out with the project became more limited.  but to see the wealth of good ideas, and the willingness to help out with whatever resources they can leaves me extremely grateful for their kindness and generosity.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 11 - Veterans

if you want to know what makes me cry, you could probably guess the stereotypical ways and be pretty successful.

or, you could show me a picture of a soldier reuniting with his family (wife, child, mother-- it doesn't matter), and just get it over with.  seriously, i get all water-world up in here!  i cried just two weeks ago over a news clip showing a husband surprise his wife at a Chick-Fil-A.  i mean, seriously, people?! you HAD to air that on the news?!

i get it. i'm a wreck.  but at least, in this case anyways, for right reason.

i realized my patriotism sometime around sophomore year in high school.  i don't know if it was learned or innate, but something about the US of A just set right with my soul.  i guess a lot of it stemmed from spending the latter of my formative years (although, i would argue my mid 20's were more of such for me) growing up in a "September 11th" era (clearly used more as an adjective than a date).  i wore an american pin on my lapel every day of senior year, and a yellow ribbon tied around my ankle.  granted, i had an on-again, off-again relationship stint issue with a guy that decided to join the army shortly after 9/11, and maybe that sent me into overload.

i digress only to say, my heart bleeds for this country, and for the sacrifices made to keep it in tact.  now, i know there are a lot of things wrong with America.  in fact, an old close friend of mine used to argue that i was indeed a socialist; but i recognize and appreciate what this country has in terms of bravery, courage, values, and freedom.

my daddy was in the army.  my grandfather retired as a colonel in the marines, fought in both the Korean and Vietnam wars, and was awarded the Purple Heart.  my mama's hope chest has an old journal from a great, great, great+ uncle of hers that served with the confederate army.  this country is in my blood.

i am so thankful for the men and women that make a choice to fight for our nation.  who look fear and death in the face, and put their trust in the Lord that such a life is what He has for them.  men and women that say goodbye to their families and loved ones, and especially for those that never get the opportunity to reunite with them in this life.  i am grievous, yet thankful that they have sacrificed seeing the birth of their child, or tucking them into bed at night, so that one day, when i have children, i can do so without the sound of missiles being launched at my house.

it is a difficult decision for one to choose to join the armed forces, and one i've never faced so can't identify with.  but i also know it is a tremendous honor and privilege to live in a free country, unafraid of terrorism or civilian causalities during war.

thank you daddy, grand-daddy, and the whole host of Veterans out there.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 10 - Beauty

i left work a little later than usual (well, depends on what time i should consider usual...) today in order to make it across town for a hair cut.  i could either drive all the way home (northwest about 25 miles) and then down to Franklin (20-25 miles south) to the salon, or leave work and do the 35ish or so miles due-west.

leaving the school, i had to take a way i had never been before, driving down small, windy country roads.  with each turn, i slowed in caution, not knowing which way it would round or straighten out.  the horizon was the best shade of rosy-red-meets-periwinkle you've ever seen, with the peaks and valleys outlined in coal black.  the way the barren, late-fall branches splintered out in the foreground was more breathtaking than eery.  just when i thought it could not get any more beautiful, the moon made its grand entrance, in between two brentwood hills.  words could never paint this picturesque scene; i think van gogh would've had a difficult time himself.  i let out a deep sigh and i breathed in all the beauty of the night, thankful that we live for an infinitely creative God, who treasures beauty and rejoices in it Himself.  i imagined that He were seated there beside me, and i could almost hear him whisper satisfactorily to Himself: "mmmm.  it is good."

it amazes me the things i am able to see in the world and find beauty in them.  the deep colors of the dusk, the burn of the stars in the night sky. the deeply appreciative love of a haitian woman i know so well, yet barely understand. the sun-hardened wrinkles of a grandmother in ethiopia that has buried more children than she bore.  the invisible way that the Lord has top-stitched divine people, situations, and events together to only pull one thread and have it all unfold majestically.  i've been to the poorest nations, literally.  i've seen people comb through a literal garbage dump for food.  yet, these people, and God's love upon them, is more magnificent than words could ever express.

thank you Lord, for your Creative beauty.  it is reflected greatly in your creation, and i can only think that it is your Spirit that swells within my heart at the sight of something beautiful.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 9 - Progress

I have to write this quick. 

For starters, its 11 p.m., which is approximately 2 hours after i need to be asleep in order to not completely hate my life in the morning.

secondly, my neighbors (that have been missing for over 2 weeks) have decided to apparently deconstruct and reconstruct the entire wall that hangs behind my bed.  all i hear is hammering and it's getting closer and closer to my head ... thankfulness is not a feeling i will be feeling for very long.  frustration would be more like it.

regardless, that doesn't change the fact that today i realized, i've had a good week (thus far) at school.  no major meltdowns via any of the students, no major mishaps, and lots of learning has happened. even more than that, the kids are having fun AND making tremendous progress.

today was progress report day.  in kindergarten, we view that as, more or less, another-thing-we-have-to-do-that-takes-a-ton-of-time-but-doesn't-really-get-anything-accomplished day (okay, maybe its just me.  but i know that to be true).  of course, progress reports weren't done already; i had to do them today. during planning, during lunch.  during literacy centers and nap time.  but they came together in the knick of time. 

perhaps the best part of the day was sitting with my sweet friend, A., who came in at the beginning of the year fairly low.  i was concerned he might have a learning disability or a special need that had gone undiagnosed, as he didn't even know his name.  he told me e-v-e-r-y single capital letter.  only missed 2 lower case! and his letter sounds?! OH ME, OH MY!

but the real kicker, what made my heart LEAP out of my chest, was the fact he isolated, blended, and CORRECTLY PRODUCED the WORD 'sun'!  i literally jumped up and hugged him and squeezed him and begged him to be so excited at what he just did! y'all, he was READING!  I was amazed.  seriously.

flipping through their writing journals, i saw SO much progress; from teeny-tiny stick-like figures, to drawings of people with detailed features.  from pre-communicative random letters, to words separated by spaces, with the proper use of capital/lowercase!  it is monumental the progress made in three months! (wow, has it been 3 months ALREADY?!)

needless to say, yesterday was a reminder that day-to-day, we hardly notice things as they change: the leaves as they go from green, to yellow, to gold and brown, to bare branches.  that extra 5, or 10, pounds that has crept up on us.  the wrinkles that have hardened our adolescent faces.  friendships that grow stale overtime and distance.  but when you stop, intentionally, to evaluate any given moment against a set moment past, you can truly see with 20/20.  progress is being made all the time. even when we don't see it.  keep marching.  keep on running for the goal.  you're a whole heck of a lot closer than when you started. 

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 8 - Jayla

dearest jesus, thank you for my niece, Jayla.  for her spunk and personality.  for the joy and beauty and innocence that lies in her beautiful blue eyes.  for her brilliant, gifted mind.  for the silliness that has yet to be constrained and muted by this world and the grumpy adults, myself included, that seem to exist to prune the goofy, carefree spirits from children.  i pray she is able to hold tight to being a child as long as she can.

happy 7th birthday the the world's most precious niece.  you will never realize what a blessing you have been to this family.  unanticipated, unexpected, yet such an unbelievable blessing.  you are the closest thing i have to a daughter; the closest love i can feel for a child not of my own.  the day you were born, the Lord opened up a cavity in my heart the size of your smile.  i hate not being there to watch you grow up, but you will always be my precious Jayla-boo.  i love you princess.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 7 - The Famlee

i have been blessed with a remarkable group of friends here in Nashville.  commiserate with our friend group back home (the JP), our nashville entourage has garnered the amicable name, The Famlee, for a good time now.  i am thankful that many of these beautiful souls are ones i've known for years, decades even, and could not put into words how grateful i am to continue to walk out this season of my life with seasoned vets always at my sidelines cheering me on, or pushing me from behind when i dig my heels in the asphalt and want to quit.

this group of friends is an eclectic bunch.  ripe with talent and passion, spanning many genres and venues from the music industry to interior design to graphic design and iphone apps, to stylists for the stars and sausage promotion, i feel like i am among an elite crew boiling over with creative ability and potential.

and the personalities: wow! what an array! it's like the smorgasboard of salad bars!  not some chincy, dining hall salad bar with stale croutons and thousand island dressing.  but rather, the jason's deli of salad bars! something for everyone, AND free fro-yo!

tonight was a reminder of the heart and passion and abilities everyone brings to the table in the Famlee. i'm a finalist for a promotion with Southwest Airlines, and have to come up with a 2 minute video on why I should win.  without even finishing divulging the details of the contest, everyone was on board and ready to be of use with wherever their gifts fit best: we've got filmmakers, and jingle-writers, and people with massive ideas and personalities and energy! and everyone was so ready and willing to be generous with their time and talents, all for a silly video that could easily wind up lost in the stacks out at Southwest's HQ.

what amazes me about this vibrant group of mid-20-somethings, is when the laughter and excitement and dancing and heinous amounts of singing and clapping die down, or when you're in a bind, or need a ride from the airport last minute, or when you even just need someone to pray with you-- i know that each and every person in the Famlee would drop what they are doing and be there for you.  you see, much unlike America wants you to believe about our generation, we're invested.  in each other, in our faith, in the church, in this world.

i wrote a post a few weeks back about how the Lord was moving within this group of friends, and i am so anxiously awaiting a week from today, when many of us will embark on a week-long discipleship training together.  after talking with alvin, one of the guys through whom this DMS is coming into fruition, we both agreed that our group of friends is such a rich ground of community, but we've been missing the essential pieces of spiritual depth on a greater level.  certainly, i've been blessed to go to school and to have been through so much of life with 4 of these girls, but a part from that, don't have a huge investment in the spiritual lives of the rest of the community.

i'm expectant that the Lord is going to show up and move in amazing, unbelievable ways.  there has already been such revelation and revival in the hearts and lives of several of us over the past year, and i think this will only further cement not only our relationships among the Famlee, but as well as our impact in our community and in the lives of others that we have the opportunity to serve.  most importantly, i am expectant that the Lord will use this time to draw our eyes and hearts and ears and lives so near and dear to His own, and that He will reclaim places in our souls that have grown stagnant, that He will uproot the weeds that laziness has allowed to take hold, and that He will blow gently into the flame beneath our hearts to set it ablaze for His kingdom and His glory.

thank you Jesus for your blessing of friends.  not just any friends-- famlee.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 6 - TVC

i never knew that the throws of grad school would bring me closer to the Lord, aside from "oh dear God, please let me get this thesis finished in time.  or at all."  but when i was student teaching full-time, working on my thesis, prepping for my 4 praxis exams, and still attending classes, i had to really evaluate every spare moment i had.

enter: the village chapel.

the church i had been attending was great, it really was.  but, it was a 30 minutes drive, each way, and the service could run up to 3 hours sometimes.  and not that the Lord is not worthy of that time, but some sundays it became a commitment too large to keep.  so, i decided to find a church a little closer to home.  and by closer, i mean, a mile away.

i immediately fell in love with the village chapel.  the simplicity of its worship: old hymns and acoustic sets; no stage or fancy lights or major front-of-house equipment to make you feel like you're attending a concert.  the history of the chapel: 100+ year old convent, with exposed beams, high ceilings, and the only decor, an unassuming cross made of driftwood and hung high on the front wall.  the warmth you felt when you walk in: from the congregation, from Pastor Jim, from his wife, Kim, as she leads prayers that are genuine and spirit-filled, not to mention, often exceeding 5 minutes as she carefully and precisely carries each need to the throne of the Lord.

to have been able to now call myself a member of TVC for 2 years (minus my 4 months in Haiti), i am honored.  we are a church full of repentant sinners, in need of God's grace and mercy, and desiring intimacy with Him and knowledge of who He is.  this body of believers holds a special place in my heart; and not that i am worshipping the creation more than the creator; rather, i am merely appreciative that He has led me to an unassuming place where His glory dwells.

i've "done" church in Nashville before.  i've been to some really awesome ones, and some not so great ones.  even as a believer, i've felt like an outsider at some-- only a fraction of the judgment i'm sure a non-christian visitor must be subject to.  i've felt like some churches are about bigger and better worship than the church next door, and who value the quality and production of their worship perhaps more than the One they are seeking to worship.  now, TVC is NOT perfect.  again, i say we are a group of repentant sinners.  but i treasure the authenticity and sincerity of the faith professed at TVC.  it doesn't come off arrogant, nor calloused, nor needy, nor greedy.  it comes off in moments of joy; or the bare-faced exhaustion of a new mom.  perhaps it is lived out in the vulnerable tears of a girl that kneels at the communion table.  the invitation to "get coffee" (which, being a non-coffee drinker, i wish there was a valid substitute!) and talk about life.  we are people, made by God, to do life with people, who live for God.

i used to think that i needed a mounting melody and the swell of a bridge to emotionally interact with the Holy Spirit through (musical) worship at church.  but feeling my heart swell from the spirit as all else is stripped away, i feel the sense of completion and satisfaction, as if the final piece of the puzzle has been slipped into place.

i have been humbled and honored to call TVC home.  to serve there, to grow there.  to study under Pastor Jim's teachings, to learn from the gentleness of Kim's prayers.  i am so thankful for the truth spoken in love and wisdom, and for the church i have come to call home.

runners up: daylight savings time. the generosity and encouragement of friends through their gifts. the ability to think (borderline thankful/angry over this one).

and who'da thunk it? nashville was my 200th post.

goodnight nashville.  stay classy til morning.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 5 - Nashville

i love the chilly, fall saturdays in which you can wake up at your leisure and slowly get out of bed just after the fog lifts.  no alarm necessary.  today was no exception.

driving to meet Jacquelene at JJ's Market (a convenience store meets coffee shop meets small corner of heaven) in Midtown, it occurred to me-- i absolutely love nashville.

taking the back roads from sylvan park (my quaint neighborhood), through west end (aka- vandyville) to midtown i thought about how much i love this city. the distinct features of each borough; how drastically different they are, yet how well they mesh together.  i love each nook and cranny of this city, down to the urban ghettos that we drove through today scouting houses.  and this city in the fall? spectacular.  the bare-bones of the trees, mixed with the sporadicly brilliant oranges on the remaining maples is unparalleled against the stone gray of the sky.  even more glorious was the sunshine today!

sitting in jj's, looking at the dated, maroon velvet curtain that covered the entire back wall, the hodge-podge of tables and chairs, the eclectic decor, with the classical opera music playing, i thought to myself, "where else?" you would not find this anywhere else in the world.  not trendy enough for paris.  too large, and slow-paced for nyc.  would be passed over in just about any other city.  there are people reading, studying, facebooking.  jacq and i seemed to be the only ones talking and giggling.  it had been two years since i had been there in my thesis-writing days.  what i love about it is what everyone hates about starbucks: it's quiet enough you can be productive.  it's inviting enough that you can get cozy.  it's low-key enough that you don't have to be dressed to the nines.  and a yoohoo? just 92 cents plus tax brings it to a dollar even.

after 3 hours of conversation, we left jj's to drive aimlessly around sylvan park, sylvan heights, and charlotte.  it, too, was glorious.  the doll houses, the yellow doors.  the new-constructions with wrap-around porches.  the old homes with character and porch swings.  each neighborhood has its own distinct style of home, as if they illustrate the timeline of nashville's population and demographic expansion.  1940's bungalows (and renovations) in sylvan park; 1930's small cottages birthed from the great depression (with the square footage to prove it) in sylvan heights. government housing off of clifton.  we drove and drove and drove, in circles, canvasing the areas around my home.  i fell in love just a little bit more with nashville with every warm and inviting home that lined the streets, waving to us as if we were the parade and they, there to see us.

nashville, you amaze me.  don't ever change.

runners up for today's thankfulness: jj's, friendships spanning decades, talk about future uncertainty and excitement, a productive day at home getting laundry done and my winter wardrobe into my closet from the attic, daylight savings time, the smell of freshly mopped floors, the humor on grey's anatomy, my fuzzy pink bathrobe, SEC football, justin timberlake on jimmy kimmel, and the crispy potato soft taco at taco bell. don't judge.

30 days of thankfulness - Day 4 - Fridays

Maybe it's a little early in the game to be thankful for something that merely marks the end of something else. But, im in bed, it's well past my normal teacher bed time, and thinking about today, I've decided I am most thankful for Fridays. In general. But today, specifically.

Fridays at school are long awaited for several reasons. For starters, you can wear jeans. Y'all don't even know what that means for me in the winter. It's no big secret that I abhor cold weather. And early mornings for that matter. Couple that with the pre-DST dark, dark morn, and you've got a recipe for me hitting snooze until 6:25 (which, for me, is late. I used to leave by 6:30)! Jeans mean that I don't have to figure it out. Anything goes with jeans. I love it.

Fridays are also great because I can go a little more lax with the kiddos an not feel as bad. And by lax, I don't mean easy; I mean fun! Several times today I thought about how I have the coolest job in the world. Granted, it is balanced by the several other times today that I worried that 2:59 would not come soon enough. Regardless, today I deviated from my plans a bit, took longer to do our theme activity, and had the kids become chefs! We made chef hats (a sentence strip band with tissue paper stapled to the inside!), then made dough by mixing flour, corn starch, salt, and water, then practiced being iron chef and working until the timer rang! They brought their creations up to the table to dry and were SO excited! In fact, one sweet friend told me, "Ms. DeBaylo, you make the best creativity ever!" (which is kid-speak for "you're awesome!)

Today, rather than getting uptight about how they clean or prepare during our transition song, I let the song play and I didn't even look. I told myself this was their time to do it their way, and when it was over then I could worry about it. And you know what? The world didn't end.

Nor did it when their desks were covered in sticky, doughy residue. So, I spray shaving cream on each desk an let them rub it around for a bit. We played a game in which each table raced to be the first to write the letter I sounded out in their shaving cream! First table all done earned skittles! (let me tell you, the things they will do for skittles!) They LOVED it! And you know what? I did too. I loved that they were having fun. That they were hands on. That they were learning and excited to do so!

This Friday was also especially great because I got to leave at 3:40, AND got a nap when I got home! It was glorious!

My eyes are drifting so I have to finish later. But I am thankful.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 3 - ... thankfulness.

is it redundant to be thankful for thankfulness?

i know its only day 3, so i don't want you to think, "oh no. she's caving. we've already lost her three days into this commitment, with some unoriginal post on thankfulness.  really?  that's all you've got?"


yes.  yes, it is all i have right now.  but roll with me for just a moment.

yesterday, i had a slightly aggravating day.  in fact, just trying to spell aggravating is enough to do the trick.  just little things here and there really worked to frustrate me.  its how i even fell asleep.

and it's definitely how i awoke, too.  y'all, i am a force to be reckoned with in the mornings.  i am not a happy camper if it is below 70 in my house, or the sun is not yet shining.  it's going to be a long winter already.  i have a bad habit of waking up angry: that its early, that my alarm is ringing, that my alarm didn't ring yet, that its cold, that its dark, that i'm sleepy, that i'm awake.  seriously, i could use counseling on the matter.

it was only mildly shocking to me that i woke up in the same funk i went to bed with.  but i totally didn't expect the tears on the way to work.  the uncontrollable kind, that well up from all angles of your eyes, and you don't know what you did to trigger them, but you'd do just about anything to take it back?

the second the tears hit, i almost slammed on the breaks and made a mad dash back home to jump back into bed and cry to jesus.  but, it was time to face the day and all this ugliness.  plus, it would've been too late to call in a sub.  and two personal days in a month might give off the suspiscion that i need clinical help.

so, i prayed, and sang praises.  but it really didn't restore the joy.  so i switched up my pandora station form kathryn scott to john foreman, and had a little pre-school-day, silent worship sesh.

with 18 monsters, precious little ones all vying for attention, usually selfishly, all day, it is bound to get slightly exhausting.  and we haven't been doing very well with our "favor your neighbor" deal i tried to sell at the beginning of the year.

but the tipping point for my heart, in measure of grace and mercy, was when i dismissed my kiddos one-by-one from the carpet.  i had them each name one thing they were thankful for.  (aha! i told you to hang with me there!)  one by one, they each declared their gratefulness.  me and God were pretty popular, topping most of the lists, with toys and nerf guns bringing up the rear.  i found myself choking back tears at their honesty; and i felt a little guilty that they were so thankful for me and most times i feel rather unworthy with how impatient and easily frustrated i can become.  but their answers brought tears to my eyes and joy to my heart.

today, i am thankful for the sheer thankfulness of a 5-year-old, and their unassuming honesty.

30 Days of Thankfulness - Day 2 - Prayer

i am thankful for the privilege and the freedom to pray.  when we want, where we want, how we want, and with whom we want.  perhaps even more, i am thankful that we serve a God that hears our prayers, and answers them.

last night, i felt prompted to pray for a family i served with in Haiti.  i found a verse in Ephesians that reminds us that God's love and resource are unlimited, and He is our source of strength.  the verse asks for God's blessing of understanding of how high, how long, how wide and just how very deep His love is for us.  that is an awesome thing.  not only reading that in scripture, but knowing that those words were meant to encourage someone else in some season they may be walking through.  although we have absolutely no idea what that season looks like for others, often times, the Lord uses us to encourage their hearts and grant a little extra strength in their step.

this morning, like most morning commutes, i had the privilege to lift my prayers to the Lord, as He has directed us to do (but, in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God- Phil. 4:6).  i got to talk to the Lord, and share with Him the things that burden me.  the people that I value, and the good things i desire for them.  and the cool thing is, this vast, enormous, all-consuming God of this universe, hears the prayers of little 'ole me in Nashville, TN; with no credentials apart from being a repentant sinner and follower of Christ, and honors these prayers of intercession on behalf of people across the world in South Africa, Guatemala, Australia, Haiti and beyond!  i am so stinkin' amazed that I don't even have to talk to these people around the world, nor do we even have to be together to make our requests known to the Lord, but that He hears the prayers of the righteous (Proverbs 15:29), and the fervent prayers of the righteous accomplish much! (James 5:16)

this afternoon, i had the honor and privilege and freedom of going before the Lord with two sweet, incredible women that i work with.  our custodian, my haitian friend Lucita, is having surgery on her ankle tomorrow morning and will be out for a month.  we had planned to pray over her in the afternoon, but she wasn't there, so the three of us met in a classroom and lifted her up to the Lord.  even in her absence, i know that the Lord heard our prayers and that she will be protected and provided for over these next 5 weeks.

y'all, prayer is a mighty strong vessel in bringing our hearts closer to the shores of jesus. i would even argue that it is through prayer and submitting our hearts to Him through vulnerable humility (jesus, i can't do this alone, i need you), he climbs aboard that vessel and navigates the murky waters of this world.

i have decided ...

it has been decided.

i will do thirty days of thankfulness.

is that even a thing?  it may be; i'm not quite sure.  regardless, i will make it a thing.  and i will write about (at least) one thing every day that i am thankful for.  meaning, i will find time to write, even on the days that i have no time to even eat.  even if i simply post a 3 word phrase, i will post.  discipline and commitment are not my strong-suits; jesus, grow me in them!

so, today, i am thankful for: jesus.  plain and simple, jesus christ.  i am thankful for his life as an example, his death as atonement, and his resurrection as an illustration of the transformation that occurs in our hearts and lives as we become followers of Christ.

what does a Christ-follower look like?  the underlying beliefs that our parents usually pass on tell us that Christians don't lie, swear, smoke, or drink; nor do they hang out with those that do.  if we look at the church, we could say Christians usually look like hypocrites, as we know all to well that we usually miss the mark, and don't live up to what we say we believe.

i would argue that Christ-followers should actually look like Christ.  it may seem obvious, but in our flesh and citizens of this sinful world of me-me-me, we often forget we are supposed to be little Christs.  it is ironic to me that a popular, satirical comedian would do a better job at understanding what Christ-followers should look like that those actually fleshing it out:

“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn’t help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we’ve got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don’t want to do it.” --Stephen Colbert

Colbert gets it right on a few accounts, and i'm ashamed to admit that i am part of the guilty party he calls out here.  first, the jesus of the bible talks a lot about the poor.  namely, helping them as opposed to ignoring them.  serving them, being one of them.  even the beatitudes show us that the poor are among the blessed.  i've seen it first hand in ethiopia and belize and haiti; the have-nots often have more joy and a better since of what it means to love thy neighbor than those of us haves.  jesus has commanded us to love and serve the poor; our apathy is flagrant to those around us, namely those not a part of our Christendom.  we give ourselves a bad name when we preach a God that we don't necessarily or willingly imitate.  and Colbert is right to tell us it's time to admit we are lazy, or just don't want to do what we've been called to.  it is time to own up to our faults.

so friends: believers, and unbelievers alike.  i am sorry.  i have failed.  at representing Christ.  at being salt and light in times i would rather be dark and bitter.  i have failed at loving my neighbors well, or nearly enough.  at expecting more and giving less than i should.  at patience, oh dear Lord, i have failed at patience.  i am often times selfish and proud, not selfless and humble like Christ.  i have trouble forgiving as fully as He has forgiven me.  i apologize for the sinner that I am, and how that taints the image of a magnificent, merciful, graceful Lord that we serve.  i need to be a better example of Christ.  not to earn salvation or forgiveness or work towards receiving the love and favor of the father.  but to be a light in this world that so desperately needs a radical change.  and i challenge you, brothers and sisters in Christ, to be radical in your faith, above the norm-- which is nothing more than a disappointment for those watching us.  remember, it is not to puff ourselves up, or to make us better, or too look good in front of people.  but we just might be the only Christ a person sees; and we need to make sure we are portraying more of the loving, merciful, serving, generous Jesus that we know Him to be.

i am thankful for the opportunity to grow in Christ, and to reflect His love daily.  forgive me when I fail; I am only human, and because of that, I am destined to fail you.  I will not live up to your expectations of me, but i can promise you that it is because of Jesus that I can get right back up and try again.

hope deferred.

pulling in to what looked like an old, dilapidated camp retreat, engulfed in a faint orange glow, i thought to myself, "you've got to be kidding me.  this is what i've signed up for this weekend? certainly, i've taken a wrong turn and wound up on the film set for 'psycho'."  the campus looked abandoned at best, definitely not as if it was to host a church group of 80 or so women ... poor, defenseless women.

i find my way to the back of campus and check-in with a church volunteer who hands me a name badge and a key to my room.  i've driven myself just an hour outside of nashville rather than carpooling, and i've seemed to arrive before the majority of the girls, even though i drove 15 miles north of the turn off because i didn't want to show up too early (and i've missed the mysterious, dark wind of a country road). 

the room is quaint, much like a hotel minus the ammenities such as a tv, phone, or even an alarm clock.  it held two double beds with dated, floral comforters, a dresser and a small desk and chair.  the soaps were hand-me-down soaps from Comfort Inn Suites, and there weren't any of those precious little shampoos or conditioners around to hoard use. 

i was early. i didn't know what to do.  i am used to being busy.  too busy, rushed-to-the-next-thing sort of busy.   when would my roommates arrive?  i knew one would be getting there after 9.  i could sit?  i could read?  go downstairs and try to meet some new people?  no, i'm alone at this point and had no one to fall back on.  

so i sat on the edge of the bed and pulled out my bible and my journal.  as i was rushing to get ready to leave, i went up into the attic to search for my bible.  i know that sounds terrible, but ever since having an iphone, its been infinitely more convenient to carry with me.  the bible app has highlighters, and places to bookmark and write notes with the reference tied to it.  i can flip between different translations, and even read in French if I wanted to! (i don't want to).  but, for some reason, I grabbed the tattered text from a box upstairs, and then grabbed a journal off a bookshelf used more for decor than as a burial for my most intimate thoughts.  

i opened up the brown leather journal and looked back at my last entry.  i didn't even recognize the print. 

it was several letters from my team in ethiopia three years ago.  I flipped through the letters and felt the Lord's presence whispering encouragement from beyond the brown kraft paper pages.  for my sake, even now as i write this down, it's important for me once again to recount some nuggets of their wisdom and encouragement.

• "Your enthusiasm and joy was contagious. You are a blessing and a wonderful woman of God." 

•  "My Dallas-cohort, craft buddy, National Geographic photo-genius, spunky, "most-spirited" sister and friend. Thank you for being you and for sharing that beautiful person with all of us.  You brought so much energy, insight and vitality to this little army.  Remember, "patience, Yogi, patience. " You will have an incredible journey; do not let the storms overwhelm you.  Keep your eyes on the prize, our Lord Jesus Christ.  He will lead you.  May you seek Him that your soul may live. 

•  "You are an amazing girl and amazingly beautiful.  I know God has awesome plans for you and I have seen your willingness to listen." 

•  "What a joy! I paid attention everytime you opened your mouth b/c I know it came from the heart. Your observations and insights were keen. I loved hearing you pray and watching you serve.  You are gifted in so many ways-- acting, photography, ministry." 

•  "Your quiet strengths always amazed me.  You are a joy to be around.  I was inspired when I watched you with the kids.  Thank you for showing me, and them, God's loving heart. You are an incredible photographer! Your pictures are works of art.  I pray that God reveals to you what to do with your gift! I can't wait to see what it is!" 

•  "All I can say is: What a blessing! Your sweet and sharing spirit were such an encouragement to me at the times I needed it most, even though you didn't realize it. You are such a skilled photographer and I love to see the way you experience (life) through photos. You have an explosive heart and personality and I can't wait to hear about the next step in the journey God is taking you on!" 

•  "I remember meeting you at my house like 3 months ago.  I was amazed at how serious/excited/passionate you were about this trip.  I am so, so thankful I've gotten to know you beyond that May day.  Your optimism and encouragement and conversation will always be in my mind as an example to follow.  You really have been such a wonderful friend to have in such a crazy trip as this was." 

•  "Girl, all I can say is that you have such an amazing passion for life and people.  I was truly encouraged each day by the way you embrace culture and love everyone around you.  It was such a blessing to be a part of that.  I thank you for your love for Jesus- you will make a huge difference for the Kingdom in your life." 

•  "I really enjoyed meeting you.  The thing that I will remember the most about you is your sincerity.  You are real! I will also remember your passion for the children, and how you played with them.  Your prayers during these two weeks were from your heart, and they were a great blessing to me." 

•  "The energy and love that you have is astounding. I was so amazed by your zealous attitued the first couple of days.  I thought for sure you would tire out.  But you never did.  It's so amazing to see you fit in here.  I look forward to hearing great things that you are going to accomplish in your life."

• "Rhi, what to say? How about THANK YOU! First of all thank you so much for introducing me to a world that is so much different than that I'm used to.  I don't think I've told you this, but I look up to you.  I look up to the way you think, act, and share your heart!  Thank you for ... just being yourself, that outstanding, fun-loving person.  I am so happy and grateful that you have become a part of my life.  I'm going to need to lean on your positive attitude in the coming days, I know you'll be there for me.  I can not put into words what your friendship has meant to me."

I am not the person that re-tweets compliments about their self.  but these encouraging words were words my dry soul needed to hear, and hear again, to sink in.  I sat there as tears filled my eyes reading this.  not because of the "nice things" that were being said, but the terrible realization that the illustration of the person they were casting did not resemble much of the women I have been seeing in the mirror lately.  in Proverbs 16:24, the writer tells us that "Pleasant words are like honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones."  these words were oh-so-sweet, and did help to strengthen my frail bones, weakened through fatigue and spiritual malnourishment.  I had lost sight of the girl they had painted in this portrait of words.  

and in His tender way, He used these words not to condemn me or make me feel as if I had, once again, failed.  rather, He used these words to encourage me and light the path back to the fullness of who He had created me to be.  I jotted this prayer of thanksgiving down on the next empty page of my journal.

"Lord, you are moving., (yet) you are constant.  my heart cries out for more of your beauty.  not much has changed in these last eight years. thank you for reminding me of my beauty in You.  how loving you and serving you is not shackles to my soul, but rather, they ignite passion and love within my heart.  You are Lord of ALL and are plentiful with your love and blessings.  humble me, break me, heal me, and use me.  make me to live to the fullness of your Love."

As the tears fell, I thought of the retreat's theme: Living Water.  I was feeling His living water revive my heart, my passions, my path.  It was pouring from my eyes as I witnessed a reminder of my joy in Him.  we were created for so much more in this life than to just do and get and accomplish.  we were created for true, irrevocable joy in Our Father's love, and fullness of who He has created us to be.  

so to my friends from Africa, it has been years.  and although we haven't kept in touch like we anticipated, your words have stuck with me, and the Lord has used them, even today, to encourage my heart.  thank you for your love and for your prayers, distant or not, they have spoken life and fullness over me, and I am so thankful that the Lord has brought them into fruition even over 1000 days after they have been spoken.