God, girlfriends, and a whole lot of grace.

everything about tonight was perfect.  it certainly didn't start out that way, but with every lap each walker/jogger made around my picnic-bench command center, joy rose from somewhere deep within my soul, a place not accessible through my own strength or grace.

sure, the cool breeze certainly didn't hurt-- as daytime highs have peaked in the triple digits as of lately.  the sound of laughter and juvenile play were distracting for the obvious, yet non-annoying, reasons.  i began to recognize couples lost in conversation as they slowly meandered around the loop again, or the high-octaine energy of a little girl as she rode faithfully on her scooter, beside her running mother, making at least two miles before they disappeared with the evening sun.

just an hour or so prior, i was sitting on my couch reading, but wishing for a porch swing.  something cozy, but not confining.  i opted for one better: centennial park, just minutes from my house and downtown nashville.  there is something almost magical to me about centennial.  maybe its that i am learning to see the God-given beauty in things; or perhaps sometimes our souls just ache to be anonymously surrounded by plenty.  either way, i sat, almost entranced by my environment.

i began to read the last few chapters of our Beth Moore study, and I felt God's presence rising deeply in my chest.  as my eyes scanned each unassuming passer-by, and each loaded word from the pages of the text registered with my heart, i felt a swelling of love and joy.  He loves us.  all of us.  deeply.  yet, uniquely.  no more, no less, than the guys playing frisbee or the homeless man sleeping on the park bench.  He cherishes each of our hearts, our purposes, our calling with a fervent faithfulness that is not lack or void or limited.

i've been feeling this love a lot lately.  i've been recognizing it more readily.  finally, something has seemed to click.  not to say its of my own doing, or even permanent, yet, it is refreshing to be reminded of our value to Him.

one thing I love about Beth Moore is how she hashes out real-life issues in the context of the Word.  in our study on insecurities, she wrestles with many of her own hang-ups, all the while shining the light to expose how we were meant to live in the security and confidence of Christ.  to be quite honest, I didn't even really know what study we were doing when I signed up for it.  I was more or less interested in the community we were going to foster through this 7-week study.  compared to just even a few years ago, my insecurities have waned and my confidence in Christ has grown, exponentially.  i'm not perfect, nor am i even near the horizon of a stopping place, however, I feel through God's divine grace and provision, I've been able to walk through a number of valleys in my heart and my past and come out not only virtually unscathed, but rather, healed from a number of open wounds and lesions.  to God be the glory!

to be even more honest, I feel like I haven't had to hash out a lot of my own junk in reflection while reading this book.  certainly, it has shed light on some creepy-crawlers in dark-nooks of my heart that I was unaware existed, and through Christ in me, I've been able to lay some things to rest.  but overall, I didn't go into this study with a hand full of issues I was ready to conquer.

but the good that has come from this, the sound truth and practicality that has been unearthed by Beth's written words, has been enormous.  i feel as if, in one fell swoop, she has managed to expose the insecurities that loom behind some of my otherwise seemingly-normal preconceived notions of self and others, identify why they exist in the first place, and create a way for me to repurpose my efforts in evaluating them and responding.  it's been a rather unique process, and only in light of some of the changes have i been able to even identify the old, dead, dark parts that I never knew existed.

most recently, especially in the past week, i've noticed a change in heart towards girlfriends and people in general.  where that ugly thief, Comparison, used to claim territory, I've noticed a God-given rejoicing with those that rejoice (Romans 12:15).  rather than that ugly stench of jealousy (even the hidden, well-purposed, jealous-because-they-really-did-have-it-that-good,-so-it's-a-compliment sort of jealousy), I've found a sincere form of joy in seeing my sisters in Christ blessed.  as women, we sometimes have a sadistic, twisted, sick form of love for our sisters, that enjoys to see them struggling, because it reminds us that they, too, are flawed and lessen the assumed, and often one-sided, competition.  we've talked at length about this at our weekly study, and its obvious that we're in good company with how dirty, grimy, and filthy we are, even in our most treasured relationships.

i spent a great deal of yesterday with a dear, dear friend of mine and a newly-wed.  being in the land of single while a great deal of my friends are getting engaged, married, or having babies in this new season, sort of feels like setting sail on a ship monikered S.S. Alone for Life.  admittedly so, when 5 of my best friends got engaged within the first three-months of this year, (not to mention, my wedding invitation count is up to 9 for the March-October timeframe), it was hard not to find myself in the midst of a self-proclaimed pity-party in which, even if there were any single friends left, they certainly would have mind enough to not attend!  needless to say, although I tried my darndest to rejoice with their rejoices, much of my heart had found its way to a dark alley of bitterness, jealousy, and self-loathing.

not that i wasn't authentically happy for my soon-to-be- and newly-betrothed friends, but it was made less, even if unbeknownst to anyone else, by (not-so-) secretly wishing it was me.  but yesterday, i noticed something different.  i noticed my heart be truly excited for her, even thankful for her new bond of marriage.  i found myself excited for her journey and new role as wife, and the responsibilities and struggles inherent with that.  i found my heart in agreement with what their hearts had already committed to long ago.  and, almost selfishly, i felt free of the binding chains that steal the joy of those deserving, if only to make us feel a little bit better about our selves.  jesus, thank you for your grace and mercy! thank you for your freedom and joy! thank you for the gift of friendship, the institution of marriage and what that looks like as we're still doing life together as girlfriends for the better part of our 26 years.

there's been some sort of unwarranted cosmic switch in my heart.  my eyes that used to see every cute and happy couple, and immediately question when it would be me, have softened and prayed silently, Lord, may they bless each other and encourage each other in the ways you created them to!  the judgmental parts of my heart that might involuntarily think something undeserving about someones physical nature: size, looks, appearance, is beginning to think "you go, girl!" when i see someone dressed appropriately, rather than feeling one-up'ed or superior to.  even as i look in the mirror and see my own imperfections in my skin and my body, things that not only would I have not been pleased with, but rather, disgusted by, have begun to not phase me.  I've noticed I don't negative-self-talk my pudgey tummy, or become self-conscious of whatever I'm wearing.  (although, a portion of this I would attribute not just to finding confidence in Christ, but also in dressing comfortably and confidently for my body, and just recognizing that my clothes still fit just fine.)  I am tearful in even writing this right now, because as women, we SO badly want our bodies to be perfect, and we are often devastated because we don't, or even can't, look ideal.  Girls, I want to challenge you to LOVE your body.  I can't even believe I am saying this right now.  Me, who has dealt with weight fluctuations or unhealthy body image or eating disorders just like the majority of the female population.  love YOU.  accept YOU.  YOU are beautiful.  you are BEAUTIFUL!

did you know that?

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!  not 10 pounds ago; not with 50 pounds to go.  right now.  YOU are beautiful.  Jesus loves YOU!  Did you know you were clothed with strength and dignity?  DIGNITY!  HONOR!  and not the kind you have to choose to put on daily.  rather, GOD-GIVEN.  HE has clothed you in dignity and strength! not your own either, lest you think you must stand alone.

could you imagine if in our hearts and minds, we stopped looking at one another and sizing each other up-- I'm the best dressed here; I wish I were skinny like her; She is way more successful than I.  My butt is bigger than hers-- and rather started looking at each other and finding the beauty that God sees? could you imagine not only what that might do for that other woman's self-esteem, but for your own self-image?!  as i've begun to compare less, i've noticed my own acceptance with how i look has grown!  and acceptance on the inside, looks like confidence on the outside.

this post has been a lot of places, i know; i get it.  but if you leave with nothing else, i want to simply exhort you and challenge you to see the beauty in you that God sees every moment.  i reminded a dear friend today with a few words that had not even graced my mind or heart before i spoke them as truth into her life:

Know that you are dearly loved by so so so many!  and you are gorgeous and blessed!  More importantly, you are cherished by the creator of this universe! and He has created you so uniquely for a purpose, and that is to lead a life that glorifies Him, and serves as an example of purity, love, grace, etc. You are going to be a great woman, because you are already a phenomenal daughter of God!  You deserve encouragement and blessing; but we all need reminders of our worth and value in Christ.  We get so bogged down with seeing our reflection in the mirror and lose sight of the "us" that God sees. 

Although I had no intention of offering any sort of encouragement, I began to type simply what I felt that God saw in her.  When we begin to focus on what God sees, our vision improves and moves past simply being a flaw-finder.

even covered in mud and muck and all the dirty, seedy, disgusting places we've been; God LOVES you and finds you to be His beautiful beloved.  know that, trust in that, and begin to see your beauty, and the beauty of others within the same frame of sight.

***

and to my girlfriends, near and far, close or distanced by time: i cherish you.  thank you for each bit of beauty you have shown me that has added each dot in the pointillist painting of God's design and beauty.   i ask your forgiveness for not living up to what my faith speaks at times, for not challenging you when you need it, for not rejoicing with your joys or weeping with your sorrows at times.  each and everyone of you are beautiful, and i am blessed through your friendships.  you all have shown me the grace and mercy and hand of the Lord in action-- even those of you that may not believe in God.  i have been supremely blessed by your tenderheartedness and vulnerabilities, and am thrilled to be able to walk out life with you.  and to my special loves with bling on the ring-fing; Christina, Jacquelene, Cara, Carly, Daniel (& Molly!)- I could not be more thrilled that God has blessed each one of you with that divinely-ordained soul-mate!  That alone makes me rejoice knowing that we serve a God so in tune with our uniqueness, that He has created just one special person for us to share the intimacy of daily life with.  I'm honored to walk with you through this season, and to learn from the examples set forth in your ideals and marriage.