over the past month or so, i've been dealing with a tension in my heart that was a violent mix of my passions, desires, and still-fresh wounds in my heart for Haiti and missions that left me feeling perplexed, at best, about this current snapshot of my life.
truth be told, I began praying about a month ago about the direction of my life; although, it dates back much further than that. you see, i am my father's daughter, and that deserves an entire post of its own. it doesn't take long before my feet start to itch and i am bored with the contentment i find myself in, and begin to desire a new view. i was just 5 years old when i discovered there was a really big world out there and God had created me to want to experience the vastness of it. It was 10 years ago, at the age of 16, when I discovered missions, and spent three weeks abroad in Italy. and it was just over a year ago that I returned from quite possibly, the #1 most life-refining experience I would ever have by living in Haiti for 4 months.
this love and passion for the world and missions and most importantly, Jesus, is nothing new. it is not a trend i've decided to run behind, nor a need to flea from any issues i might have or baggage i'm toting around. it is truly the person i was created by God to be, and how I feel He will be able to use me best.
with all that said, about a month ago, when the feet started to itch, i began looking into just about every venue to get me from here to there. i had wanted to spend this whole summer in haiti, but the timing of it just wasn't right. i found myself looking on websites here and there, and yes, even considering DTS's or the World Race, or just about any other short term I could find. and i found myself feeling torn (as mentioned in the above linked post) because I knew God had ordained my position here, yet felt this pull to also "go". i found myself confused on if i was where God wanted me or not.
so, i began to pray.
and i knew that if for some unseen reason, my job (which I had received my re-hire letter in late spring) fell through, i would take that as a sign to go. not only as a sign, but as the actual decision essentially evicting me into God's throne room (because we all know how good I am with decision making).
well, low and behold ... i returned to school last week and we discovered our numbers were really low. like, as in, we had 2 too-many kindergarten teachers.
and the gravity of this reality hit me like one of those cartoon anvils in which used to fall on wiley coyote as he chased the road runner. this could really be it. this could be my answer.
needless to say, i was a wreck all week. i knew that God had placed me in this position last year. it was to a T, fit for me, down to Mr. Pierre and Ms. Lucita, whom I have come to love as family, and talk to more regularly than my own family even (and in French!). and kindergarten was my place. even during an evaluation, my principal said to me, "there are three types of people: those that were born to teach, those that learn to teach, and those that were born to teach kindergarten. and you were born to teach kindergarten."
long story short, the scenarios played out in my head. the likelihood of any of the following was pretty great:
- someone would have to move schools per County Office's request
- someone would have to teach 4th grade
- someone may be let go of all together; and come to find the newest likelihood:
- someone would have to teach 2nd grade.
at this point, I knew that 2 of those options were out for me. Three, if you wanted to consider the loss of a job altogether. i knew i couldn't change schools. i was already commuting 30 minutes east, to the western-most part of the county. any other school would have been even further south-east, and i honestly couldn't afford an additional commute (this one is already costing me over $200 a month). and 4th grade, in my opinion, was definitely out too. i would take either of these as a definite closed door, in which i knew that God had other plans for me ... likely involving His mission field.
on thursday, we found out that the highest likelihood would be that one of us would move to second grade. this was really grey area for me. i knew that 4th/another school meant i was haiti-bound. and i knew that staying in Kindergarten meant that He had a job here for me, and it was not complete yet. but 2nd grade? i don't know a thing about second grade, and i didn't feel like i could make that decision and say that i would do it or decline it, either way.
so i began to pray about that, too. that i would not have to make the decision; that God would open and close the doors according to His will, and that it would be nothing I, in my selfishness, pride, or non-confrontational skills could mess up at all.
He did just that.
thankfully, i can say, i still have a job teaching kindergarten at my same school. im delighted to know that i am right where He wants me, for the time being. i prayed about going; He said no (or at least "not now"). i prayed about staying; He put me right where i belong. i prayed about not having to be the one put in the position to have to decide to stand up and be true to myself or sit back and be loyal and respectful to my boss and colleagues, and He steered me clear from that situation. i am so grateful for this roller-coaster journey that has been the last few weeks.
it only reiterates that everything is for our good and for His glory.
He is not a God of mystery, but sometimes, it does require patience on our part to wait for the answer to the prayer, before trying to create our own.
Psalm 120:1
I took my troubles to the Lord; I cried out to Him, and He answered my prayers.
Psalm 120:1
I took my troubles to the Lord; I cried out to Him, and He answered my prayers.
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