i am not exactly what you would call "in the know" with pop culture these days. i don't follow up with the stars on the hills, i couldn't tell you who justin bieber's new flavor of the week is, and i certainly don't do any keeping up with my kardashians. but last week, i was at a friends house and happened to watch the second episode of this season's bachelorette.
oh. em. gee.
i'll admit, i've watched an entire season before. i was in college, and reality tv was really starting to leave its mark on mainstream media, i.e. on the cusp of taking over. the season featured a handsome doctor from nashville, and i had a few ties to the city before i lived here, so i was intrigued. after that, my interest waned, and to be honest, if it's not grey's anatomy, or that lovely spin-off off the map (which is rumored got canceled after its 9-episode pilot season), then i really don't have the time, energy, or desire to keep up with it.
getting a decent wi-fi signal from my ever-so-giving neighbors with the open network, i decided to catch up on the last few episodes of grey's that i had missed. as i finished the season, i decided to take another stab at the bachelorette, thus, leading to the fire in the pit of my stomach.
i don't even know where to start. i'm not good on tv commentary. especially "reality" tv. but i'll take a risk or two, and just jump in. forgive me, because this will lack the moral maturity of most of my entries, and i might even slip a swear word or two.
i get why women in america are screwed up. you are either A) one of these screwed up women, B) you've dated and/or broken up with said screwed up woman, or C) you are bound to be/wind up with a woman that is screwed up. and let me tell you why.
bentley.
i'll admit, he was the most attractive guy on the roster. i'd be drawn to him in a heartbeat. not his heartbeat though; i'm pretty sure he's dead inside.
i dated a guy like bentley once. or twice. who's counting anymore? watching that take place, on television, in front of the world, broke my heart for ashley. sure, i don't know her from Eve, and she signed herself up for this mess in the first place. but, gah! i can't even use proper english because all the words i want to use are pretty inappropriate right now and i'd have to use a few keys that look like #$%*&.
bentley is the reason women turn to "reality" shows to find love, and unfortunately, the reason why this poor girl can't find it there either!
let me explain. i don't discuss dating on this blog typically, because thats just a leeetle too personal for my mainly friend/family based reading audience. also, i really try not to burn bridges, inflame names, or write off anyone. but this tool bag, bentley, has gone and ticked me off. so it's personal now, folks.
i dated a "bentley." now, many of you that watch the bachelorette might think "gah, she is so dumb to fall for this!" okay, maybe so. but do you think for a second he was saying any of that stuff to her face? absolutely not! he was wooing her, he wanted to win. he said the things he knew she wanted to hear. he swooped in at the right moments to play the game. he played it up like he was every bit falling head over heels for her as she was him, and that leaving her was the hardest thing he would ever have to do in life. and behind her back, yet in front of the cameras, he talked about how he had everyone fooled. how he didn't care about her an ounce. and it breaks my heart that this poor girl can't just be brokenhearted that he left; but she's going to have to relive those lies, discovering the deception as it boils out on national television.
it is one thing to be deceived and mislead into a relationship that you think exists, and based on the other party, it exists; unless of course, it is around anyone else aside from you. it's one thing to not know that, to not realize that, to not be given any reason to believe that, because, after all, his words seem so genuine and sweet and caring. and its another thing to have all of that taken away from you for one reason or another, and have to part with someone you've fallen for. but then, to have to trudge through the memories, feeling as if your entire experience was a one-sided fraud, that is devastating. i've dated this 'bentley' before, long ago, and it kills you to believe that everything was pretty much a lie. to think that you were naive enough to be fooled, to be charmed into a place you felt comfortable with this person, to give them your heart, and chance after chance.
and these "bentley's" are out there, sweeping women off their feet, only to drop them in mid-air. the only classy thing he did was leave. come on, men! grow a pair, and act like a man! if you're not into a woman, don't lead her on! don't wipe the hair from her forehead and kiss her, and tell her how hard it is to let her go. stand up, at the moment you realize it is not going to work, and say that. save both of you a lot of time, and her a lot of heartbreak, by not dragging her on an emotional roller-coaster in which you have no desire to even ride with her.
when people used to ask me "my type," i used to answer that i would always fall for someone that's charming. i finally just started answering with "tall and sketchy." because really, charming and sketchy became to be synonymous. and for your true-to-life charming guys out there, i am so sorry that jerks like bentley have ruined it for you. we don't trust your charm anymore. you lose. we both lose, really.
but the greater question deserves to be asked: why are guys like this slash why do they do this to innocent girls; and why are we so quickly drawn to the "bad guy" type?
i wish i had an answer for the first question. i could speculate that a lot of it is a game mentality, and guys like to win things. they are competitive, but it becomes like fishing. it's only fun until you've caught the fish, then you might as well just throw it back. maybe some of them really are clueless, and really just don't know what they want until they are in too deep and don't know how to swim safely back to shore. if you're a guy, and have a better answer for this, then leave it in the comments. i treasure inside wisdom like gold.
to address the second question: i wish i knew. i honestly think that it has to do with the fact that the bad guys are usually such great charmers, you know, to cover up for all their seediness. but maybe what lies beneath this, is what makes girls so desperate, that they are so quick to latch on to their bait; hook, line, and sinker.
i noticed that laced all throughout the 2 part episode of the bachelorette i watched was the word insecurity. ding ding ding. we. are. insecure. that likely doesn't come as a surprise to any of you women, and if it does, then please, lend me your secrets; i am ALL ears! without having tool's like bentley around to make us feel even less secure about ourselves when they bail without a moment's notice, we still have a whole host of heart issues that drive us into the comforting arms of anyone that expresses interest. ashley was insecure of the fact that she was even doing the show; she thought she would be a disappointment to the guys when they realized it was her. she was insecure because she wasn't abc's first choice to have on the show. she was insecure because she had lost her shot at love the first time when she became the second runner up. she was insecure in feeling that she was worth sticking around for. the clincher is, when things start happening that affirm your insecurities, those experiences and memories become like cement to the heart. when william brought it up that she was "brad's left-overs," and that he was expecting one of the other girls when he arrived, it solidified her fears that she wasn't worth it. when bentley left, even to her naivety, it solidified her fears that guys she cared about wouldn't stick around. guys, i know it is just as much our fault for placing our self-value in your hands, but please, please, please be careful when dealing with a woman's heart! so much of our security in our own skin comes from the value others affirm or take from us. i know it's not right, but it is so seeped into our heart, that it is often times who we are from the core.
looking past who's to blame, who's done what wrong, or where the heartbreak has originated from, the root of the matter is this: as a woman, we need to not put our value in the hands of a man that, to be honest, is likely too clumsy to hold your heart with those big, dumb, caveman hands of his. instead, our securities and value and worth need to be found in the hands of our Creator. the very one that made us from the rib of adam, formed us out of nothing, created us in the womb, stitched together every inch of our being! only His hands are gentle enough to hold our hearts in a way that we would assume value from.
and men: when the Lord is ready to set that woman's heart gently into your hands, please, be careful with it. it is not a toy, it is not a game, it is not a chance for you to get ahead in life or show someone else up. it is a gesture of trust, that you will be the leader, the servant, the caretaker of this heart. that you will treasure it, value it, die for it. you were given a mighty role as men, please, for our sake, live up to it.
i think after a pretty solid decade of dating and relationships, i've learned a lot. heartbreak has been the most educating factor, but a lesson learned, nonetheless. i am hopeful, and prayerful, that the Lord has something perfect out there for me. and i will be selfish with my heart until then. i've been to careless with it in the past, and i'm sad for the men that really deserve it. you always have to pay for the sins of those before you. but the Bible tells us to guard our hearts, and mine is under His care. my security, and insecurities (because let's be real, i'm a woman, and they are there in all their unassuming glory), will rest in His hands. i've learned to not fall for a charmer, although it really is ... charming. i've learned to hold out for a prince charming, one that has sought approval of my Heavenly Father first, (and my real daddy when the time comes!) before seeking me out. i am thankful to no longer live in a social sphere of dating in which is a lather, rinse, repeat hum-drum cycle of heartbreak. sure, i'm not 100% protected from never experiencing that again; but i think i can rest assure that the bentley's of this world will no longer be vying for my heart.
***
to the bentley that long ago broke my heart as i was first introduced to deceit and games, i forgive you. i pray that you will be the type of husband i just described. its what your wife deserves. :)
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