the difference

jesus doesn't mess around. with yesterday being my first full day, I was definitely not prepared ... in my own flesh.


and for good reason: i was never meant to be. we were never meant to be self-sufficient people. beyond needing others, we need Him. period. we can do nothing on our own strength.


and i am honored and humbled that he used yesterday, my first day, to teach me that. he didn't wait until i had a routine and thought i had become fine without Him spurring me on. He didn't wait until I learned to walk holding His hand, and then think I could walk on my own. He came right of the bat, to prove to me that if i tried to do this in my own strength, I would surely not make it beyond day one.


here i was, thinking, hmm, i've done this before. i work with kids for a living. i've spent 4 months in Haiti. i've got the mosquito-net-and-eye-mask bedtime routine down.


not.


in my own strength, i had a headache from the time i got up. i was running on 3 1/2 hours of sleep the night before I came, and didn't get much sleep that first night after battling sweats and the mozzi's in my holey-net. driving to the grocery, sitting and waiting, i nearly fell asleep (and wanted nothing more to do than just that). whatever it was, i had about zero appetite, eating half of an avocado for dinner (and y'all know me and my avocadoes. I could eat like 3 or 4 in one sitting!). i was really struggling to stay excited and joyful when i was physically and spiritually feeling empty.


during devo time, i was so exhausted that the craziness of the kids was about to drive me insane. but as they clapped and sang about jesus, as they prayed simply and candidly, my heart broke, and my eyes welled with tears.


jesus, you are too good. to use even me. with my hardened heart. with my pride. with my so-called, so-thought self-sufficiency. that you would be able to do anything good in me or through me, i'm amazed.


but He did. and He called me. and I came.


but He revealed to me that that is just about all I can, and will be able to, do. anything else is through Him and in His strength. i can not conjuur joy on my own. I can not express love withouth first realizing His love for me and for others. i can not even begin to understand humility if I think I have anything to offer aside from Christ.


i think the Lord wanted me to see what opperating without His Holy Spirit looks like, so not only would I become aware of my depravity and need for it, but also that I would become desperate for resolution of it.


and why? because He cares just that much about me, about us. that He would not even let me, for one day, try to run on my own strength. He is, without fail, so faithful to His children.


and who would've thunk it: today, has been amazing. my joy, my love, my willingness to be used for Him and by Him, exponentilly different than yesterday.


thank you Jesus. and thank you for your prayers and for your encouragement throughout this journey.