i want to approach this entry with integrity and gentleness, avoiding blame, condemnation, or disrespecting anyone. my entire intent is to capture the movement of the Holy Spirit in the lives of myself and several of my friends, while not glamorizing or exploiting the spiritual battles endured by one or many. in fact, quite the opposite; i hope this will only memorialize a turning point in which this spiritual warfare was recognized, as were the perfect-in-His-own-way timing and appointments.
there is no easy way to write this in truth and vulnerability, while trying to preserve that same vulnerability and display the glory of the Lord. i know we must choose the most loving thing to do at all times, and i struggle with putting that as a higher priority than declaring God's goodness and glory, and falter in how, or even if, i should write any of this down. but i am a writer, a recorder of fact and emotion; a proclaimer of truth and the Good News of grace and mercy found at the feet of the cross. i can not squelch that-- it would not be true to me, nor fair to the Holy Spirit. so i pray, even right now as i type this, that He would direct and guide my words, that He would search my heart and allow bias to fall to the wayside and approach His throne with humility, grace, forgiveness, and sensitivity. i am a repentant sinner; i am human, and i fail. often. i am not even close to perfect. i am flawed by the condition of sin, by pride and selfishness just like the rest of us. but each day, i am striving to look more and more like a portrait of jesus from 2000 years ago than a snapshot of who i was just yesterday.
i think that Laura Story's new song, Blessings, might be the simplest way to describe what my heart is currently feeling.
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win, we know
That pain reminds this heart,
That this is not, this is not our home.
It's not our home.
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?
What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?
this song came on on my way home this morning. not only did i find it a vocal interpretation of my heart's emotion, but i also found it to be an interpretation of the hope i have for a friend that is enduring a desperately dark time in their spiritual life right now. i was moved to tears as i prayed that they would be able to reconcile their struggles to the Lord, and understand that as security and stability are stripped away, that the Lord is purging everything from their life in order to be the only thing in their life. i pray and ask that though these thousand sleepless nights are on the cusp, that they would not be rendered useless suffering, but rather a necessary, divine intervention drawing a hopeless heart to the throne room of God to hash it out with Him alone.
last night, in a bizarre turn of events, i witnessed the Lord move in miraculous ways. in spite of what looked like a terrifying and painful series of events, the Lord was using every last detail, proving to me that truly ALL things work together for the good of those that believe and trust in Him. to know that he could use the brokenness and bitterness and hurt and negativity even for His glory and our good astounds me. even enduring verbal attacks and the vapid deconstruction of a close friendship, i witnessed the Lord in ways that i feign trying to explain beyond the silent fall of tears. in my humanness, i failed a friend. in their humanness, they had elevated me to a place of expected perfection that only the Lord can serve in. in our collective failure, i believe i played witness to the enemy throwing arrows to the weakened part of their soul; filling their thoughts with lies, deceit, worthlessness, hopelessness, and a feeling of abandonment. in my attempt to do what was right, i left them even more hurting than they were before.
i've had moments where i, too, have not been in my right mind; and i feel as if i can readily recognize it when i see it because it can look so much like how i've known my own flesh to become. witnessing someone i know well experience one of these times, i was able to recognize that they were acting outside of their character, personality, and what i know their heart to resemble. as the enemy's attack begin to manifest in their thought and speech, i found myself retreating in fear, rather than standing firm and declaring truth. it was beyond my capacity at that point. but what is even more miraculous, is that the Lord knew that. He moved swiftly and His presence was powerfully felt. even in spite of everything we did to mess it up, He had ordained every single last detail, fully cementing to me that this was all a spiritual battle in which He intends to win; He is fighting for the heart and soul of His dear child, and the enemy is pulling out all the stops in a last-ditch attempt to keep his hands tightly around them. there is no question in my mind that we were all witnessing a glimpse of the spiritual realm manifested in the events, which was both terrifying and enlightening and comforting all in the same breath. although there was no tangible evidence, the palpable presence of the Lord and His hand moving over this situation was real. He had ordained every last detail, even the most minute and seemingly monotonous ones: the perfect timing and sequencing of events; the venue and crowd that laid witness; the spiritual conversation that primed the hearts and minds; a spirit of non-judgment and a discerning spirit that this was a spiritual battle taking place; the detail of a friend that had taken today off work, which made the whole gathering possible. down to even my forfeit of the deterioration of the friendship in which i could no longer try to hold its fragile sides together in a windstorm. the Lord used each person in such a unique way, and getting a behind-the-scenes glimpse of what He is doing was a humbling, awesome experience.
whether they realize it yet or not, God was tearing down walls, humbling and exposing the vulnerable parts of a jaded, guarded heart. the Spirit was piercing their heart with a tender conviction that, if nothing less, began to let go of ill-directed blame and approach the heart of the matter. the Lord used an unsuspecting acquaintance to pray over and speak truth into this tortured heart, and a dear friend to pour out truth and rebuke with love, but without walking on eggshells to avoid hurting feelings. on the other side of the walls, i had friends surrounding me with prayers, love, truth, and encouragement; affirming that by standing on the foundation of the Lord and His integrity that I was not to bear this burden. (not looking to be "right." or cleared from guilt. but just in knowing i was doing the right thing, even if it was hurting someone else or if in the process my feelings had been hurt). just even the Lord providing friends and stories of His goodness and His kingdom expanding from around the globe; it was exactly what I needed to think about what is good and noble and true, as we are directed to do in His word.
and after the dust from this battle began to settle, getting to come together as a group of close friends and lift up one of our own in prayer, covering them in protection and seeking the softening of their heart to be open to fresh revelation of His Spirit and His will. we warred for them in prayer, declaring promises from the Word, and asking for God to use even this painful and difficult situation for His glory. it was so Spirit-led. THIS moment reinforced authentic community; carrying our brothers and sisters to the cross when the enemy has left them injured in a field to die alone. THIS is what fellowship is for, why we laugh and eat together, why we learn the intricacies of life with each other, so that when satan is attacking, we can be the church and provide truth and light and point to Jesus. THIS is why we learn to love and trust each other, so that when we need it, or need to offer it, grace and mercy, justice and forgiveness can be poured out through our hands by the Grace of the Lord. God presented us with an opportunity last night to pursue peace in His name, to declare victory in His name. and although we are left weary, and this is only one intense battle in a lifetime journey of warfare, we can stand and say we witnessed the Lord step in, almost in spite of our inability to do anything on His behalf, and minister to the heartbroken and the struggling to survive. beyond that, we witnessed revival in our small group that had been nothing more than a dwindling bunch of people God chose and used as they lingered around after a game night.
i am humbled by a great and mighty God that would move heaven and earth to be in relationship with us. that would love us so much as to remove everything else from our lives that would get in our way of a right-relationship with Him. a God so passionate about us that He would work even the hardest of hearts into tears, that He would move the most stubborn of voices into a peaceful moment of listening. a God so not in need of anything we have to offer, that He could take our failures and turn them into opportunity, yet still bless us with the opportunity to see His Spirit at work. this is the God i serve. a real, living, true God! He is RISEN! He is ALIVE! He is FIGHTING FOR US when we can not raise the sword! He is waring over us, protecting us from much of the unseen. and He is so generous to give us a glimpse of His pursuit of us. Thank you Jesus, for using our brokenness for your glory and our good. Thank you for seeing our imperfections and using us in the lives of others anyway. thank you Father for allowing me to witness you move. i declare your goodness and glory, your truth and righteousness, your sovereignty over this situation and all things. Amen.
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