a book, some doubts, and a whole lot of rabbit trails.

i am not the type to dog-ear book pages.  i personally find it tacky and rude.  that page becomes immortalized, as the book flips open to there as if it were better than any other page in the book.  and that just isn't so.

i do, however, highlight and underline in a way that you would think i get paid for each word emboldened by bic.

but today, i might as well just rip out pages 54 and 55 in what the heck am i doing with my life, because i've already done both of the aforementioned.  and seeing how my last post was on the simplicity of just being (in case you missed the french translation of etre), the dog-earring of this page served as a last-straw of sorts, in which drove me to get my laptop and begin to write.  well, that and the sweat soaking through the back of my shirt, the mozzi bites all over my legs, and the skin underneath my nails from scratching through my skin's pigment.

i digress.

a few days ago, or yesterday, i don't quite remember, i wrote a frantic post (and a 3-year plan in timeline format; neither of which i posted) about some swells in my heart that we're really causing a lot of doubt and a subsequent, frantic-free-fall-flail in which i felt like Alice falling into the rabbit hole and grabbing for sense of anything.  and to be honest, i know this feeling. it is how i've wound up in haiti, and africa, and nashville.  i'm not quite fond of the feeling, even if the fruit it brings to surface are rather sweet.

regardless, the prayer in my heart and on my lips and from my knees and in liquid form by way of my eyes is that God would search my heart, the heart that He created, and reveal to me some mystical plan for my life that aligns my passions (God-given passions, in case you need any reminding Jesus...) and His call on my life (i swore i heard teaching bright as day when he first humbled me and brought me out of journalism and into the sphere of education; but now, am wondering if i've mis-heard Him-- which I was certain, so it couldn't really be a mis-hearing... so why all this doubt now? aside from the fact i want to run as fast as i can away from the profession at times.... neither here nor there, and clearly the debate within my heart is so back and forth that i am truly wrestling with it on a day-to-day basis, so there's really no need to consider any of that right now).  moving on.

i cried to jesus on thursday (thursday? sure. sounds good), and made the same petition to Him about my heart feeling drawn in a million different ways towards a one-day *dream-job*, and really what that looks like.  so much of me wants to get back to Haiti and the simplicity, and really that is where a lot of the frustrations arise, because it ultimately boils down to financial obligations and student-debt ... which is where the ball gets rolling in the way of how to get there in the most financially-savvy way.

then the other side of my heart is jealous.  the other side of my heart, that was realized over 20 years ago, loves the world.  not the materialistic world, but the actual globe full of people (although, material goods don't exactly turn me off to life!).  i love cultures, and embrace all things new, and love language and literature and the way brits and aussies pronounce literature, and for as long as i can remember, i've desired to live abroad.  not to be part of fashion week in Paris, or re-live a second college-experience in London, or pretend to be someone I'm not in Sydney.  i don't want to get caught up in "culture" in Amsterdam, or become one with the insects in Thailand.  i have simply admired the differences across the vast globe, and love how God created so many different types of people and places and horizons and cuisines and languages and capacities for communicating beyond all of the above!  i long to experience more of what He has created, and loved!

as Americans (myself included, as i hold the title for patriotism among my group of friends!), we have a pretty narrow scope of the world.  sure, we know the difference between authentic mexican and tex-mex, can tell from a person's first few words if they were born southern by God's good grace or are from the great white north (anything north of the mason-dixon might as well be canada), and we are fortunate enough that our country is so vast that much of the landscape varies from state-to-state.  but embracing differences, loving beyond language barriers, giving up our sense of entitlement and learning that we are pretty lucky to be able to work how we want and believe what we want to believe?  those are pretty tough pills to swallow-- yet, i thrive in these situations.

some people get itchy feet; i, rather, have a life-long case of hives (literally, and figuratively.  don't worry, they aren't contagious or fatal).  i don't think i will ever feel "completed" by a place, or completely at home in a country or town.  i don't think we were created to.  we know that this life is temporal.  we know that this is not truly our home.  we even know that as Christians, living in this world (regardless of location) often feels like going against the grain or rubbing the wrong way.  this is the only life we get to have the opportunity to experience as much of God's creation as we can.

all of that said (and i'm not sure why all of that is said; this post was supposed to be about a passage i read in a book!), the part of my heart opposite of wanting to forego being a missionary and living in Haiti, is a part that wants to just up and move to another country! (wait, i think i skipped a step.  i did.  the whole being-called-into-missions step.  yeah, haven't necessarily gotten that call.  but i just feel that that's the direction i'm being lead in.  maybe, i feel guilt in a sense, that i'm not a missionary.  i know guilt is NOT of the Father.  i know that He does not desire in any way to guilt us into anything.  that is never His MO. but if there is anywhere to be honest as i collect my thoughts, it is here.  because this is sort of a half-step in between hiding my emotions and vocalizing my thoughts so that they become real.
anyway, this post is all over the place!  can't you get why it's that much harder for me to sort it out on my own in my heart and mind?!  geesh, during this post alone i've already come inside, researched and written a week's worth of lesson plans, revamped my school-day schedule, and found some good tunes on Spotify.  i am so ADD.  i can not focus for more than 5 minutes, and if i am, i am thinking about everything else i need to do, and try to do it simultaneously.  wow.  self-discovery much.  flawed.  many times over.

this has turned too far in the direction of a diary entry, so i either need to turn this ship back to harbor or abandon it all together.  let's try for the former.

what was i saying?  oh, yes.  haiti vs. the world.  missionary in poverty vs. letting God minister to my heart through the world, while likely remaining in poverty myself.

i guess my question is this:  is it wrong?  to have dreams and hopes and to go after them?  is it wrong if i am sincerely trying to make sure they first align with the Lord's plans for me?  can i only serve in missions?  in haiti?  or is it possible to be used while fulfilling additional dreams?  who says that won't bring me back to haiti with increased fervor, knowing that i've experienced much of the world, and my heart remains tightly intertwined with the Lord's for Haiti.

regardless, the point is this:
     "if God knows everything-- including my car key's latest location-- then certainly he knows a thing or two about the future. 
     "The God factor should be the biggest factor in determining 'What the heck am I going to do with my life?' because God is ultimately the One who knows you best.  The Bible says He fashioned you in your mother's womb (Isaiah 44:2; Psalm 139:13-16) and designed every detail of your DNA.  He knows your strengths and weaknesses, your likes and dislikes, God knows the environments in which you will develop, grow and become more like Him.  
    "Part of God's nature is that he is a shepherd.  He is a guide.  James 1:5 is shooting straight when it says if we're at a loss for what to do, we're to go to God who gives wisdom generously.  James goes so far as to say that God will not only provide the wisdom but do it without finding fault.  In other words, God's grace and love cover us when we've lost our way.  
     "By nature, God wants to offer guidance, but recognizing the different ways he speaks and leads isn't always easy.  It begins with asking God for direction.  That may seem like a pretty small step, but it requires big faith and quite a bit of humility ... Asking God for help implies that we don't have all the answers.  It acknowledges that we are not in control of our own lives and we are dependent on someone else for guidance.  Asking God for direction is an expression of humility, and according to that verse in James, He can't help but respond.  When you are asking God for direction, you have to remember to stay put long enough to listen for an answer." (What the Heck Am I Going to Do With My Life? -- Margaret Feinberg)


40 pages prior, i read this quotation from one of the illustrations in the book:

"There I was again, wondering what in the world I wanted to be and do and a bit frustrated to be in that place again.  I began ferently praying and seeking God's direction and knew that--(page turn)-- even though I had no idea, he had formed and made me and knew the answers I was searching for.  So I prayed and waited."

if you've ever re-read a book you've read once (or twice, or three times... well, started to read at least), you might have noticed that you tend to read a little more passively, as in a oh-i-remember-this-from-last-time-okay-moving-on sort of way.  after i read that passage, i felt the Lord say to my heart, Go back.  Read that again.  You need to think about what she is saying.  and so i did.  and i analyzed the key-words: fervently praying; seeking God's direction; He made me, He knew me. prayed. waited.  have i been good at all of that lately?  to be honest to myself and to my readership of 1, not all that good at it.  sure, i've been praying. in a toss-up-my-hands and bury-my-head sort of way.  but really waiting for the Lord on it?  no.  i've been too busy drafting timelines and three-year-plans.

certainly, i trust that the God of the universe, that created us all very alike and all very different, yet all in His image, loves us enough to not let us wander in the desert without direction (when we seek it. it was a different story for the idol-worshipping Israelites; Lord, don't let my heart be turned to an idol of any form, including serving others, haiti, the world, my dreams!).  I'll even go one step further and say that He created us, and loved what He saw.  Of all the world, He said His creation was good.  but of us, He saw that His creation was very good.  He created us distinctly unique, with a passions and a purpose to fulfill for His glory.  I find great comfort, even in these moments as i remind myself, in knowing that I can plan my path, but He will guide my steps.  He will not allow even a detailed, self-decided timeline to derail me from the plans He has for me.

teach. save. go.  then go, teach and save.  Lord, you are so good.  for you is the kingdom, and power, and glory, forever.  amen.