hope deferred.

pulling in to what looked like an old, dilapidated camp retreat, engulfed in a faint orange glow, i thought to myself, "you've got to be kidding me.  this is what i've signed up for this weekend? certainly, i've taken a wrong turn and wound up on the film set for 'psycho'."  the campus looked abandoned at best, definitely not as if it was to host a church group of 80 or so women ... poor, defenseless women.

i find my way to the back of campus and check-in with a church volunteer who hands me a name badge and a key to my room.  i've driven myself just an hour outside of nashville rather than carpooling, and i've seemed to arrive before the majority of the girls, even though i drove 15 miles north of the turn off because i didn't want to show up too early (and i've missed the mysterious, dark wind of a country road). 

the room is quaint, much like a hotel minus the ammenities such as a tv, phone, or even an alarm clock.  it held two double beds with dated, floral comforters, a dresser and a small desk and chair.  the soaps were hand-me-down soaps from Comfort Inn Suites, and there weren't any of those precious little shampoos or conditioners around to hoard use. 

i was early. i didn't know what to do.  i am used to being busy.  too busy, rushed-to-the-next-thing sort of busy.   when would my roommates arrive?  i knew one would be getting there after 9.  i could sit?  i could read?  go downstairs and try to meet some new people?  no, i'm alone at this point and had no one to fall back on.  

so i sat on the edge of the bed and pulled out my bible and my journal.  as i was rushing to get ready to leave, i went up into the attic to search for my bible.  i know that sounds terrible, but ever since having an iphone, its been infinitely more convenient to carry with me.  the bible app has highlighters, and places to bookmark and write notes with the reference tied to it.  i can flip between different translations, and even read in French if I wanted to! (i don't want to).  but, for some reason, I grabbed the tattered text from a box upstairs, and then grabbed a journal off a bookshelf used more for decor than as a burial for my most intimate thoughts.  

i opened up the brown leather journal and looked back at my last entry.  i didn't even recognize the print. 

it was several letters from my team in ethiopia three years ago.  I flipped through the letters and felt the Lord's presence whispering encouragement from beyond the brown kraft paper pages.  for my sake, even now as i write this down, it's important for me once again to recount some nuggets of their wisdom and encouragement.

• "Your enthusiasm and joy was contagious. You are a blessing and a wonderful woman of God." 

•  "My Dallas-cohort, craft buddy, National Geographic photo-genius, spunky, "most-spirited" sister and friend. Thank you for being you and for sharing that beautiful person with all of us.  You brought so much energy, insight and vitality to this little army.  Remember, "patience, Yogi, patience. " You will have an incredible journey; do not let the storms overwhelm you.  Keep your eyes on the prize, our Lord Jesus Christ.  He will lead you.  May you seek Him that your soul may live. 

•  "You are an amazing girl and amazingly beautiful.  I know God has awesome plans for you and I have seen your willingness to listen." 

•  "What a joy! I paid attention everytime you opened your mouth b/c I know it came from the heart. Your observations and insights were keen. I loved hearing you pray and watching you serve.  You are gifted in so many ways-- acting, photography, ministry." 

•  "Your quiet strengths always amazed me.  You are a joy to be around.  I was inspired when I watched you with the kids.  Thank you for showing me, and them, God's loving heart. You are an incredible photographer! Your pictures are works of art.  I pray that God reveals to you what to do with your gift! I can't wait to see what it is!" 

•  "All I can say is: What a blessing! Your sweet and sharing spirit were such an encouragement to me at the times I needed it most, even though you didn't realize it. You are such a skilled photographer and I love to see the way you experience (life) through photos. You have an explosive heart and personality and I can't wait to hear about the next step in the journey God is taking you on!" 

•  "I remember meeting you at my house like 3 months ago.  I was amazed at how serious/excited/passionate you were about this trip.  I am so, so thankful I've gotten to know you beyond that May day.  Your optimism and encouragement and conversation will always be in my mind as an example to follow.  You really have been such a wonderful friend to have in such a crazy trip as this was." 

•  "Girl, all I can say is that you have such an amazing passion for life and people.  I was truly encouraged each day by the way you embrace culture and love everyone around you.  It was such a blessing to be a part of that.  I thank you for your love for Jesus- you will make a huge difference for the Kingdom in your life." 

•  "I really enjoyed meeting you.  The thing that I will remember the most about you is your sincerity.  You are real! I will also remember your passion for the children, and how you played with them.  Your prayers during these two weeks were from your heart, and they were a great blessing to me." 

•  "The energy and love that you have is astounding. I was so amazed by your zealous attitued the first couple of days.  I thought for sure you would tire out.  But you never did.  It's so amazing to see you fit in here.  I look forward to hearing great things that you are going to accomplish in your life."

• "Rhi, what to say? How about THANK YOU! First of all thank you so much for introducing me to a world that is so much different than that I'm used to.  I don't think I've told you this, but I look up to you.  I look up to the way you think, act, and share your heart!  Thank you for ... just being yourself, that outstanding, fun-loving person.  I am so happy and grateful that you have become a part of my life.  I'm going to need to lean on your positive attitude in the coming days, I know you'll be there for me.  I can not put into words what your friendship has meant to me."

I am not the person that re-tweets compliments about their self.  but these encouraging words were words my dry soul needed to hear, and hear again, to sink in.  I sat there as tears filled my eyes reading this.  not because of the "nice things" that were being said, but the terrible realization that the illustration of the person they were casting did not resemble much of the women I have been seeing in the mirror lately.  in Proverbs 16:24, the writer tells us that "Pleasant words are like honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones."  these words were oh-so-sweet, and did help to strengthen my frail bones, weakened through fatigue and spiritual malnourishment.  I had lost sight of the girl they had painted in this portrait of words.  

and in His tender way, He used these words not to condemn me or make me feel as if I had, once again, failed.  rather, He used these words to encourage me and light the path back to the fullness of who He had created me to be.  I jotted this prayer of thanksgiving down on the next empty page of my journal.

"Lord, you are moving., (yet) you are constant.  my heart cries out for more of your beauty.  not much has changed in these last eight years. thank you for reminding me of my beauty in You.  how loving you and serving you is not shackles to my soul, but rather, they ignite passion and love within my heart.  You are Lord of ALL and are plentiful with your love and blessings.  humble me, break me, heal me, and use me.  make me to live to the fullness of your Love."

As the tears fell, I thought of the retreat's theme: Living Water.  I was feeling His living water revive my heart, my passions, my path.  It was pouring from my eyes as I witnessed a reminder of my joy in Him.  we were created for so much more in this life than to just do and get and accomplish.  we were created for true, irrevocable joy in Our Father's love, and fullness of who He has created us to be.  

so to my friends from Africa, it has been years.  and although we haven't kept in touch like we anticipated, your words have stuck with me, and the Lord has used them, even today, to encourage my heart.  thank you for your love and for your prayers, distant or not, they have spoken life and fullness over me, and I am so thankful that the Lord has brought them into fruition even over 1000 days after they have been spoken.