Praise the Lord; for He has shown me the wonders of His unfailing Love. (Psalm 31:21)
The Heavens proclaim the glory of God, the skies display His craftsmanship. Day after day, they continue to speak. Night after night, they make Him known. They speak without a sound or word; their voice is never heard. Yet their message has gone throughout the earth, and their words to all the world. God has made a home in the heavens for the sun. It bursts forth like a radiant bridegroom after his wedding. It rejoices like a great athlete eager to run the race. The sun rises at one end of the heavens and follows its course to the other end. Nothing can hide from its heat. (Psalm 19:1-6)
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
God, girlfriends, and a whole lot of grace.
everything about tonight was perfect. it certainly didn't start out that way, but with every lap each walker/jogger made around my picnic-bench command center, joy rose from somewhere deep within my soul, a place not accessible through my own strength or grace.
sure, the cool breeze certainly didn't hurt-- as daytime highs have peaked in the triple digits as of lately. the sound of laughter and juvenile play were distracting for the obvious, yet non-annoying, reasons. i began to recognize couples lost in conversation as they slowly meandered around the loop again, or the high-octaine energy of a little girl as she rode faithfully on her scooter, beside her running mother, making at least two miles before they disappeared with the evening sun.
just an hour or so prior, i was sitting on my couch reading, but wishing for a porch swing. something cozy, but not confining. i opted for one better: centennial park, just minutes from my house and downtown nashville. there is something almost magical to me about centennial. maybe its that i am learning to see the God-given beauty in things; or perhaps sometimes our souls just ache to be anonymously surrounded by plenty. either way, i sat, almost entranced by my environment.
i began to read the last few chapters of our Beth Moore study, and I felt God's presence rising deeply in my chest. as my eyes scanned each unassuming passer-by, and each loaded word from the pages of the text registered with my heart, i felt a swelling of love and joy. He loves us. all of us. deeply. yet, uniquely. no more, no less, than the guys playing frisbee or the homeless man sleeping on the park bench. He cherishes each of our hearts, our purposes, our calling with a fervent faithfulness that is not lack or void or limited.
i've been feeling this love a lot lately. i've been recognizing it more readily. finally, something has seemed to click. not to say its of my own doing, or even permanent, yet, it is refreshing to be reminded of our value to Him.
one thing I love about Beth Moore is how she hashes out real-life issues in the context of the Word. in our study on insecurities, she wrestles with many of her own hang-ups, all the while shining the light to expose how we were meant to live in the security and confidence of Christ. to be quite honest, I didn't even really know what study we were doing when I signed up for it. I was more or less interested in the community we were going to foster through this 7-week study. compared to just even a few years ago, my insecurities have waned and my confidence in Christ has grown, exponentially. i'm not perfect, nor am i even near the horizon of a stopping place, however, I feel through God's divine grace and provision, I've been able to walk through a number of valleys in my heart and my past and come out not only virtually unscathed, but rather, healed from a number of open wounds and lesions. to God be the glory!
to be even more honest, I feel like I haven't had to hash out a lot of my own junk in reflection while reading this book. certainly, it has shed light on some creepy-crawlers in dark-nooks of my heart that I was unaware existed, and through Christ in me, I've been able to lay some things to rest. but overall, I didn't go into this study with a hand full of issues I was ready to conquer.
but the good that has come from this, the sound truth and practicality that has been unearthed by Beth's written words, has been enormous. i feel as if, in one fell swoop, she has managed to expose the insecurities that loom behind some of my otherwise seemingly-normal preconceived notions of self and others, identify why they exist in the first place, and create a way for me to repurpose my efforts in evaluating them and responding. it's been a rather unique process, and only in light of some of the changes have i been able to even identify the old, dead, dark parts that I never knew existed.
most recently, especially in the past week, i've noticed a change in heart towards girlfriends and people in general. where that ugly thief, Comparison, used to claim territory, I've noticed a God-given rejoicing with those that rejoice (Romans 12:15). rather than that ugly stench of jealousy (even the hidden, well-purposed, jealous-because-they-really-did-have-it-that-good,-so-it's-a-compliment sort of jealousy), I've found a sincere form of joy in seeing my sisters in Christ blessed. as women, we sometimes have a sadistic, twisted, sick form of love for our sisters, that enjoys to see them struggling, because it reminds us that they, too, are flawed and lessen the assumed, and often one-sided, competition. we've talked at length about this at our weekly study, and its obvious that we're in good company with how dirty, grimy, and filthy we are, even in our most treasured relationships.
i spent a great deal of yesterday with a dear, dear friend of mine and a newly-wed. being in the land of single while a great deal of my friends are getting engaged, married, or having babies in this new season, sort of feels like setting sail on a ship monikered S.S. Alone for Life. admittedly so, when 5 of my best friends got engaged within the first three-months of this year, (not to mention, my wedding invitation count is up to 9 for the March-October timeframe), it was hard not to find myself in the midst of a self-proclaimed pity-party in which, even if there were any single friends left, they certainly would have mind enough to not attend! needless to say, although I tried my darndest to rejoice with their rejoices, much of my heart had found its way to a dark alley of bitterness, jealousy, and self-loathing.
not that i wasn't authentically happy for my soon-to-be- and newly-betrothed friends, but it was made less, even if unbeknownst to anyone else, by (not-so-) secretly wishing it was me. but yesterday, i noticed something different. i noticed my heart be truly excited for her, even thankful for her new bond of marriage. i found myself excited for her journey and new role as wife, and the responsibilities and struggles inherent with that. i found my heart in agreement with what their hearts had already committed to long ago. and, almost selfishly, i felt free of the binding chains that steal the joy of those deserving, if only to make us feel a little bit better about our selves. jesus, thank you for your grace and mercy! thank you for your freedom and joy! thank you for the gift of friendship, the institution of marriage and what that looks like as we're still doing life together as girlfriends for the better part of our 26 years.
there's been some sort of unwarranted cosmic switch in my heart. my eyes that used to see every cute and happy couple, and immediately question when it would be me, have softened and prayed silently, Lord, may they bless each other and encourage each other in the ways you created them to! the judgmental parts of my heart that might involuntarily think something undeserving about someones physical nature: size, looks, appearance, is beginning to think "you go, girl!" when i see someone dressed appropriately, rather than feeling one-up'ed or superior to. even as i look in the mirror and see my own imperfections in my skin and my body, things that not only would I have not been pleased with, but rather, disgusted by, have begun to not phase me. I've noticed I don't negative-self-talk my pudgey tummy, or become self-conscious of whatever I'm wearing. (although, a portion of this I would attribute not just to finding confidence in Christ, but also in dressing comfortably and confidently for my body, and just recognizing that my clothes still fit just fine.) I am tearful in even writing this right now, because as women, we SO badly want our bodies to be perfect, and we are often devastated because we don't, or even can't, look ideal. Girls, I want to challenge you to LOVE your body. I can't even believe I am saying this right now. Me, who has dealt with weight fluctuations or unhealthy body image or eating disorders just like the majority of the female population. love YOU. accept YOU. YOU are beautiful. you are BEAUTIFUL!
did you know that?
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! not 10 pounds ago; not with 50 pounds to go. right now. YOU are beautiful. Jesus loves YOU! Did you know you were clothed with strength and dignity? DIGNITY! HONOR! and not the kind you have to choose to put on daily. rather, GOD-GIVEN. HE has clothed you in dignity and strength! not your own either, lest you think you must stand alone.
could you imagine if in our hearts and minds, we stopped looking at one another and sizing each other up-- I'm the best dressed here; I wish I were skinny like her; She is way more successful than I. My butt is bigger than hers-- and rather started looking at each other and finding the beauty that God sees? could you imagine not only what that might do for that other woman's self-esteem, but for your own self-image?! as i've begun to compare less, i've noticed my own acceptance with how i look has grown! and acceptance on the inside, looks like confidence on the outside.
this post has been a lot of places, i know; i get it. but if you leave with nothing else, i want to simply exhort you and challenge you to see the beauty in you that God sees every moment. i reminded a dear friend today with a few words that had not even graced my mind or heart before i spoke them as truth into her life:
even covered in mud and muck and all the dirty, seedy, disgusting places we've been; God LOVES you and finds you to be His beautiful beloved. know that, trust in that, and begin to see your beauty, and the beauty of others within the same frame of sight.
***
and to my girlfriends, near and far, close or distanced by time: i cherish you. thank you for each bit of beauty you have shown me that has added each dot in the pointillist painting of God's design and beauty. i ask your forgiveness for not living up to what my faith speaks at times, for not challenging you when you need it, for not rejoicing with your joys or weeping with your sorrows at times. each and everyone of you are beautiful, and i am blessed through your friendships. you all have shown me the grace and mercy and hand of the Lord in action-- even those of you that may not believe in God. i have been supremely blessed by your tenderheartedness and vulnerabilities, and am thrilled to be able to walk out life with you. and to my special loves with bling on the ring-fing; Christina, Jacquelene, Cara, Carly, Daniel (& Molly!)- I could not be more thrilled that God has blessed each one of you with that divinely-ordained soul-mate! That alone makes me rejoice knowing that we serve a God so in tune with our uniqueness, that He has created just one special person for us to share the intimacy of daily life with. I'm honored to walk with you through this season, and to learn from the examples set forth in your ideals and marriage.
sure, the cool breeze certainly didn't hurt-- as daytime highs have peaked in the triple digits as of lately. the sound of laughter and juvenile play were distracting for the obvious, yet non-annoying, reasons. i began to recognize couples lost in conversation as they slowly meandered around the loop again, or the high-octaine energy of a little girl as she rode faithfully on her scooter, beside her running mother, making at least two miles before they disappeared with the evening sun.
just an hour or so prior, i was sitting on my couch reading, but wishing for a porch swing. something cozy, but not confining. i opted for one better: centennial park, just minutes from my house and downtown nashville. there is something almost magical to me about centennial. maybe its that i am learning to see the God-given beauty in things; or perhaps sometimes our souls just ache to be anonymously surrounded by plenty. either way, i sat, almost entranced by my environment.
i began to read the last few chapters of our Beth Moore study, and I felt God's presence rising deeply in my chest. as my eyes scanned each unassuming passer-by, and each loaded word from the pages of the text registered with my heart, i felt a swelling of love and joy. He loves us. all of us. deeply. yet, uniquely. no more, no less, than the guys playing frisbee or the homeless man sleeping on the park bench. He cherishes each of our hearts, our purposes, our calling with a fervent faithfulness that is not lack or void or limited.
i've been feeling this love a lot lately. i've been recognizing it more readily. finally, something has seemed to click. not to say its of my own doing, or even permanent, yet, it is refreshing to be reminded of our value to Him.
one thing I love about Beth Moore is how she hashes out real-life issues in the context of the Word. in our study on insecurities, she wrestles with many of her own hang-ups, all the while shining the light to expose how we were meant to live in the security and confidence of Christ. to be quite honest, I didn't even really know what study we were doing when I signed up for it. I was more or less interested in the community we were going to foster through this 7-week study. compared to just even a few years ago, my insecurities have waned and my confidence in Christ has grown, exponentially. i'm not perfect, nor am i even near the horizon of a stopping place, however, I feel through God's divine grace and provision, I've been able to walk through a number of valleys in my heart and my past and come out not only virtually unscathed, but rather, healed from a number of open wounds and lesions. to God be the glory!
to be even more honest, I feel like I haven't had to hash out a lot of my own junk in reflection while reading this book. certainly, it has shed light on some creepy-crawlers in dark-nooks of my heart that I was unaware existed, and through Christ in me, I've been able to lay some things to rest. but overall, I didn't go into this study with a hand full of issues I was ready to conquer.
but the good that has come from this, the sound truth and practicality that has been unearthed by Beth's written words, has been enormous. i feel as if, in one fell swoop, she has managed to expose the insecurities that loom behind some of my otherwise seemingly-normal preconceived notions of self and others, identify why they exist in the first place, and create a way for me to repurpose my efforts in evaluating them and responding. it's been a rather unique process, and only in light of some of the changes have i been able to even identify the old, dead, dark parts that I never knew existed.
most recently, especially in the past week, i've noticed a change in heart towards girlfriends and people in general. where that ugly thief, Comparison, used to claim territory, I've noticed a God-given rejoicing with those that rejoice (Romans 12:15). rather than that ugly stench of jealousy (even the hidden, well-purposed, jealous-because-they-really-did-have-it-that-good,-so-it's-a-compliment sort of jealousy), I've found a sincere form of joy in seeing my sisters in Christ blessed. as women, we sometimes have a sadistic, twisted, sick form of love for our sisters, that enjoys to see them struggling, because it reminds us that they, too, are flawed and lessen the assumed, and often one-sided, competition. we've talked at length about this at our weekly study, and its obvious that we're in good company with how dirty, grimy, and filthy we are, even in our most treasured relationships.
i spent a great deal of yesterday with a dear, dear friend of mine and a newly-wed. being in the land of single while a great deal of my friends are getting engaged, married, or having babies in this new season, sort of feels like setting sail on a ship monikered S.S. Alone for Life. admittedly so, when 5 of my best friends got engaged within the first three-months of this year, (not to mention, my wedding invitation count is up to 9 for the March-October timeframe), it was hard not to find myself in the midst of a self-proclaimed pity-party in which, even if there were any single friends left, they certainly would have mind enough to not attend! needless to say, although I tried my darndest to rejoice with their rejoices, much of my heart had found its way to a dark alley of bitterness, jealousy, and self-loathing.
not that i wasn't authentically happy for my soon-to-be- and newly-betrothed friends, but it was made less, even if unbeknownst to anyone else, by (not-so-) secretly wishing it was me. but yesterday, i noticed something different. i noticed my heart be truly excited for her, even thankful for her new bond of marriage. i found myself excited for her journey and new role as wife, and the responsibilities and struggles inherent with that. i found my heart in agreement with what their hearts had already committed to long ago. and, almost selfishly, i felt free of the binding chains that steal the joy of those deserving, if only to make us feel a little bit better about our selves. jesus, thank you for your grace and mercy! thank you for your freedom and joy! thank you for the gift of friendship, the institution of marriage and what that looks like as we're still doing life together as girlfriends for the better part of our 26 years.
there's been some sort of unwarranted cosmic switch in my heart. my eyes that used to see every cute and happy couple, and immediately question when it would be me, have softened and prayed silently, Lord, may they bless each other and encourage each other in the ways you created them to! the judgmental parts of my heart that might involuntarily think something undeserving about someones physical nature: size, looks, appearance, is beginning to think "you go, girl!" when i see someone dressed appropriately, rather than feeling one-up'ed or superior to. even as i look in the mirror and see my own imperfections in my skin and my body, things that not only would I have not been pleased with, but rather, disgusted by, have begun to not phase me. I've noticed I don't negative-self-talk my pudgey tummy, or become self-conscious of whatever I'm wearing. (although, a portion of this I would attribute not just to finding confidence in Christ, but also in dressing comfortably and confidently for my body, and just recognizing that my clothes still fit just fine.) I am tearful in even writing this right now, because as women, we SO badly want our bodies to be perfect, and we are often devastated because we don't, or even can't, look ideal. Girls, I want to challenge you to LOVE your body. I can't even believe I am saying this right now. Me, who has dealt with weight fluctuations or unhealthy body image or eating disorders just like the majority of the female population. love YOU. accept YOU. YOU are beautiful. you are BEAUTIFUL!
did you know that?
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! not 10 pounds ago; not with 50 pounds to go. right now. YOU are beautiful. Jesus loves YOU! Did you know you were clothed with strength and dignity? DIGNITY! HONOR! and not the kind you have to choose to put on daily. rather, GOD-GIVEN. HE has clothed you in dignity and strength! not your own either, lest you think you must stand alone.
could you imagine if in our hearts and minds, we stopped looking at one another and sizing each other up-- I'm the best dressed here; I wish I were skinny like her; She is way more successful than I. My butt is bigger than hers-- and rather started looking at each other and finding the beauty that God sees? could you imagine not only what that might do for that other woman's self-esteem, but for your own self-image?! as i've begun to compare less, i've noticed my own acceptance with how i look has grown! and acceptance on the inside, looks like confidence on the outside.
this post has been a lot of places, i know; i get it. but if you leave with nothing else, i want to simply exhort you and challenge you to see the beauty in you that God sees every moment. i reminded a dear friend today with a few words that had not even graced my mind or heart before i spoke them as truth into her life:
Know that you are dearly loved by so so so many! and you are gorgeous and blessed! More importantly, you are cherished by the creator of this universe! and He has created you so uniquely for a purpose, and that is to lead a life that glorifies Him, and serves as an example of purity, love, grace, etc. You are going to be a great woman, because you are already a phenomenal daughter of God! You deserve encouragement and blessing; but we all need reminders of our worth and value in Christ. We get so bogged down with seeing our reflection in the mirror and lose sight of the "us" that God sees.Although I had no intention of offering any sort of encouragement, I began to type simply what I felt that God saw in her. When we begin to focus on what God sees, our vision improves and moves past simply being a flaw-finder.
even covered in mud and muck and all the dirty, seedy, disgusting places we've been; God LOVES you and finds you to be His beautiful beloved. know that, trust in that, and begin to see your beauty, and the beauty of others within the same frame of sight.
***
and to my girlfriends, near and far, close or distanced by time: i cherish you. thank you for each bit of beauty you have shown me that has added each dot in the pointillist painting of God's design and beauty. i ask your forgiveness for not living up to what my faith speaks at times, for not challenging you when you need it, for not rejoicing with your joys or weeping with your sorrows at times. each and everyone of you are beautiful, and i am blessed through your friendships. you all have shown me the grace and mercy and hand of the Lord in action-- even those of you that may not believe in God. i have been supremely blessed by your tenderheartedness and vulnerabilities, and am thrilled to be able to walk out life with you. and to my special loves with bling on the ring-fing; Christina, Jacquelene, Cara, Carly, Daniel (& Molly!)- I could not be more thrilled that God has blessed each one of you with that divinely-ordained soul-mate! That alone makes me rejoice knowing that we serve a God so in tune with our uniqueness, that He has created just one special person for us to share the intimacy of daily life with. I'm honored to walk with you through this season, and to learn from the examples set forth in your ideals and marriage.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
thankful.
i am thankful for community. specifically the community of my women's study at church. perhaps, even more so, the generosity of the Lord to ordain and align such a wonderful, diverse group of women to be vulnerable and honest and rotten with.
i like to think that the Lord rejoices when we we take those divine appointments and people he's placed in our path, and use them as opportunities for fellowship, relationship building, and ultimately, healing within His body.
if that's the case, I would have to say that He was rejoicing tonight.
maybe it was just me, but it seemed like a lot of us really were eager to share. mainly just about how dirty we are, but hey, at least we recognize that now. and we're beginning to also see just how much He loves to make us clean. how He desires for us to live without dissension or competition, but rather, evaluating everything in the light of Truth, and not striping our value from ourselves, or those we destroy with our eyes. In fact, tonight's study wasn't even so much about not striping value, but rather, about restoring value. to ourselves, and to those women we interact with and either feel inferior/superior to.
i'm thankful that the Lord gives us choice in the matter. we can choose to lay down the sword. we've got a big enough enemy to fight; there's no use fighting each other, too.
jesus, you are magnificent and merciful; you are holy and just. you are faithful and true. you are generous with your grace. i am constantly finding ways to keep swimming in mud, and you are ever-so-patient and gentle as you cleanse me again. Lord, purify our hearts and sanctify our thoughts. let us establish our God-given confidence and dignity, and let no man, woman, or enemy tear it from us. our security was settled on Calvary; it was bought for us, and given as a gift to us. receive it. help us to lay down the sword and receive it. amen.
i like to think that the Lord rejoices when we we take those divine appointments and people he's placed in our path, and use them as opportunities for fellowship, relationship building, and ultimately, healing within His body.
if that's the case, I would have to say that He was rejoicing tonight.
maybe it was just me, but it seemed like a lot of us really were eager to share. mainly just about how dirty we are, but hey, at least we recognize that now. and we're beginning to also see just how much He loves to make us clean. how He desires for us to live without dissension or competition, but rather, evaluating everything in the light of Truth, and not striping our value from ourselves, or those we destroy with our eyes. In fact, tonight's study wasn't even so much about not striping value, but rather, about restoring value. to ourselves, and to those women we interact with and either feel inferior/superior to.
i'm thankful that the Lord gives us choice in the matter. we can choose to lay down the sword. we've got a big enough enemy to fight; there's no use fighting each other, too.
jesus, you are magnificent and merciful; you are holy and just. you are faithful and true. you are generous with your grace. i am constantly finding ways to keep swimming in mud, and you are ever-so-patient and gentle as you cleanse me again. Lord, purify our hearts and sanctify our thoughts. let us establish our God-given confidence and dignity, and let no man, woman, or enemy tear it from us. our security was settled on Calvary; it was bought for us, and given as a gift to us. receive it. help us to lay down the sword and receive it. amen.
Monday, July 18, 2011
boom. roasted.
couldn't find a way to describe it. until this chorus.
it's time for healing
time to move on
its timeto fix whats been broken too long
time to make right
what has been wrong
its time to find my way to where i belong
there's a wave thats crashing over me
and all i can do is surrendor
whatever you're doing
inside of me
it feels like chaos,
but somehow there's peace
and its hard to surrender to what i can't see
but i'm giving into something heavenly.
time for a milestone
time to begin again
reevaluate who i really am
am i doing everything
to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
so show me what it is you want from me
i give everything
i surrender
to whatever you're doing
inside of me
it feels like chaos
but somehow there's peace.
and though its hard to surrender
to what i can't see
i'm giving into something heavenly.
time to face up
clean this old house
time to breath in and let everything out
that i've wanted to say for so many years
time to release all my held back tears
whatever you're doing
inside of me
it feels like chaos
but i believe
you're up to something
bigger than me
larger than life
something heavenly.
it's time for healing
time to move on
its timeto fix whats been broken too long
time to make right
what has been wrong
its time to find my way to where i belong
there's a wave thats crashing over me
and all i can do is surrendor
whatever you're doing
inside of me
it feels like chaos,
but somehow there's peace
and its hard to surrender to what i can't see
but i'm giving into something heavenly.
time for a milestone
time to begin again
reevaluate who i really am
am i doing everything
to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
so show me what it is you want from me
i give everything
i surrender
to whatever you're doing
inside of me
it feels like chaos
but somehow there's peace.
and though its hard to surrender
to what i can't see
i'm giving into something heavenly.
time to face up
clean this old house
time to breath in and let everything out
that i've wanted to say for so many years
time to release all my held back tears
whatever you're doing
inside of me
it feels like chaos
but i believe
you're up to something
bigger than me
larger than life
something heavenly.
learning to trust
i just re-read my post below.
it's amazing that everyday is a struggle to trust, even in light of all God has done for us, provided us with, sheltered us from, or the dirty grime He's cleaned from our flesh.
that's what this journey is about. learning to trust Him. and only Him.
His plans for me are best. He know's what He is doing, even when I have no idea.
I trust you, Jesus. I trust you.
it's amazing that everyday is a struggle to trust, even in light of all God has done for us, provided us with, sheltered us from, or the dirty grime He's cleaned from our flesh.
that's what this journey is about. learning to trust Him. and only Him.
His plans for me are best. He know's what He is doing, even when I have no idea.
I trust you, Jesus. I trust you.
music notes and tears
this morning has been one of those days in which your eyes fill with tears for no apparent reason. it's not a heaviness, but its not a feeling of lightness after the miraculous receipt of grace. it's void of the typical anxiety and overwhelming sense of something. i wish, if only for my own sake, that i could describe it. it's a mood that begs to be left alone, while crying to be surrounded.
i turned on my ipod to listen to music while i blow-dryed my hair. instead i sat. and listened. it had been a while since i listened to music with the only intent of listening to music.
Matt Nathanson's "Little Victories" came on. i don't even think i was listening to the lyrics, and tears began to slowly accrue at the corner of my eyelids. it's a short tune, but i just felt like it was a battle cry.
i kept listening. a song i didn't even know by Warren Barfield came on. "God Believes in You."
there's been a slew of things i could line up as signs, or dismiss as coincidence and over-analyzing (ooh, i haven't been this good at that since college!). regardless, i'm not there yet.
if i can be extremely vulnerable, while also not soliciting encouragement or discouragement (because rather, i'm just voicing my own thoughts to verify if any of them make sense), there's a huge tension that hangs between my head and my heart. my heart is in teaching. it relishes in the making of cute plans, the designing of classroom themes and bulletin boards, and exciting 18 precious ones with a joy for learning. but my heart is also in missions. it is torn, because my head knows i can't do both. my head knows i have $45,000 in student loan debt. my head knows that i am paying off credit card debt from college and grad school (and making good head-way, might i add!). both my head and my heart are in agreement that God is bigger, but in reality, i've got responsibilities to get in order before i can think elsewhere.
my heart wants to be so aligned with jesus and His plan for me. my head wants that, too. the question begins with what exactly is that? i have to assume that it is currently where he's placed me, and the job that He Himself has ordained perfectly for me. but isn't it always static? shouldn't there always be progression towards something bigger?
i said a few scary things out loud for the first time about a week ago, about what the bigger might be. i actually woke up a few times last week with tears in my eyes because I felt God had just been speaking to me about the future. and y'all, that's scary!
i guess when it boils down, if any outside variable wasn't an issue (money, time, commitment, responsibilities, etc.), the question is: where would my heart be?
i've been avoiding that question for over 3 years now. i don't think i'm ready to answer it still. i bought a book when i first moved to nashville 4 1/2 years ago, called "what the heck am I going to do with my life?" i never finished it. not out of apathy, not out of boredom, not even out of the a.d.d. i usually suffer when i try to read books. more or less, its out of fear. fear that i will discover, or uncover, that i'm not doing what God wants. or that i'm not living up to my potential. or that i'm not happiest where i am. perhaps, that i'm wrong.
maybe it is fear that is causing me to question, maybe it is the tugging of the Lord to move in a different direction. for now, i will serve with my talent, time and treasures doing the things that He's given me to be passionate about: children, education, Jesus; and not in that order.
perhaps the songs were a whisper. but in His time, he will no longer whisper. He will call. I trust Him enough to do so; He's done it before.
thanks for letting me vent.
i turned on my ipod to listen to music while i blow-dryed my hair. instead i sat. and listened. it had been a while since i listened to music with the only intent of listening to music.
Matt Nathanson's "Little Victories" came on. i don't even think i was listening to the lyrics, and tears began to slowly accrue at the corner of my eyelids. it's a short tune, but i just felt like it was a battle cry.
"and i'll be awful sometimes, weakened to my knees. but i'll learn to get by, on the little victories."what does that even mean?
i kept listening. a song i didn't even know by Warren Barfield came on. "God Believes in You."
"no one likes to say goodbye cause blinded by the tears you cry, it's hard to see tomorrow's hello's. going where your heart is leading, though it's never easy leaving home, embracing the unknown. may you be the spark that sets the world on fire. find in your heart only God's desires. dream as big as you want to. there's nothing that you can't do, when you believe that God believes in you. you didn't end up here by chance. it's more than merely circumstance. the ride's just begun so hold on. if you could see how much you're loved, just a glimpse would be enough to show that you don't go alone. so be the spark that sets the world on fire. find in your heart all that God desires. dream as big as you want to. there's nothing that you can't do, when you believe that God believe's in you. 'cause your wildest dreams: no, they can't compare, to all God's prepared; it's true. here's my prayer for you. may you be the spark that sets the world on fire..."in complete honesty, the type that tears only typically bring about, this is something i've been wrestling with for a while now. that same honesty and bold courage is the kind that usually is followed by "i'm going to africa," or "i'm moving to Haiti!" the frustration in it right now is that i don't know what it is followed by, or if it even is. maybe it's just a stirring reminder to never become complacent. maybe it's more. i want that to be God's prayer for me. i want to set the world on fire for Him. i want His dreams to live within my heart, to thrive within my life.
there's been a slew of things i could line up as signs, or dismiss as coincidence and over-analyzing (ooh, i haven't been this good at that since college!). regardless, i'm not there yet.
if i can be extremely vulnerable, while also not soliciting encouragement or discouragement (because rather, i'm just voicing my own thoughts to verify if any of them make sense), there's a huge tension that hangs between my head and my heart. my heart is in teaching. it relishes in the making of cute plans, the designing of classroom themes and bulletin boards, and exciting 18 precious ones with a joy for learning. but my heart is also in missions. it is torn, because my head knows i can't do both. my head knows i have $45,000 in student loan debt. my head knows that i am paying off credit card debt from college and grad school (and making good head-way, might i add!). both my head and my heart are in agreement that God is bigger, but in reality, i've got responsibilities to get in order before i can think elsewhere.
my heart wants to be so aligned with jesus and His plan for me. my head wants that, too. the question begins with what exactly is that? i have to assume that it is currently where he's placed me, and the job that He Himself has ordained perfectly for me. but isn't it always static? shouldn't there always be progression towards something bigger?
i said a few scary things out loud for the first time about a week ago, about what the bigger might be. i actually woke up a few times last week with tears in my eyes because I felt God had just been speaking to me about the future. and y'all, that's scary!
i guess when it boils down, if any outside variable wasn't an issue (money, time, commitment, responsibilities, etc.), the question is: where would my heart be?
i've been avoiding that question for over 3 years now. i don't think i'm ready to answer it still. i bought a book when i first moved to nashville 4 1/2 years ago, called "what the heck am I going to do with my life?" i never finished it. not out of apathy, not out of boredom, not even out of the a.d.d. i usually suffer when i try to read books. more or less, its out of fear. fear that i will discover, or uncover, that i'm not doing what God wants. or that i'm not living up to my potential. or that i'm not happiest where i am. perhaps, that i'm wrong.
maybe it is fear that is causing me to question, maybe it is the tugging of the Lord to move in a different direction. for now, i will serve with my talent, time and treasures doing the things that He's given me to be passionate about: children, education, Jesus; and not in that order.
perhaps the songs were a whisper. but in His time, he will no longer whisper. He will call. I trust Him enough to do so; He's done it before.
thanks for letting me vent.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
love is the thing
for the past 8 months or so, i've been attending the Tuesday night Bible study at my church, The Village Chapel. as a church, we walk through books of the Bible, reading and gleaning from the whole context, rather than hearing sermons on a key text or a choice verse. i love this about my church, and i feel that it does a great deal to help us walk in knowledge as to why we believe what we believe.
the first study i joined was on 1 Peter. then we journeyed through a 12 week study on Hebrews. more recently, we concluded a study on Ephesians. because summer is an interesting time for people and churches alike, we've taken a different approach, and are doing the book study "The Reason for God" by Tim Keller as our Tuesday night study.
last week we explored Christianity and the Bible and their credibility in a culture that places a high value on reason and evidentiary science. this week, we delved into the topic of other religions and how there is only one true path to God.
i've been attending TVC for almost 2 years, with a 4 month hiatus for the time i spent in Haiti. in the time there, i don't think i have ever experienced such a rich and valuable dialogue as i did this evening.
don't get me wrong; i absolutely love our church. the authenticity in the simplistic worship, the way we read through the Bible chapter by chapter, book by book. the loving gentleness of Christ that is reflected in the way Kim brings our prayers and needs to the Lord; the genuine, patient-urgency Pastor Jim brings through each weeks teaching.
but tonight, i feel like something shifted; like revival began to knock at the century-old chapel's doors. and it was magnificent.
maybe the move i felt was in my own heart; maybe it was palpable for others sitting, discussing, observing. regardless, it was there. and it overwhelmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes!
toward the end of our discussion, a woman stood up and said she had a question. she said she is not necessarily a Christian, but that she would identify herself with Christian principals. she has many friends that are agnostic, athiest, muslim, hindu. her question was, "when people ask me am i a Christian, what does that mean? what does it mean to 'be' a Christian?"
as i pondered, and listened to Pastor Jim's response, I was almost embarrassed that i didn't have an immediate clear-cut response already penned in my head. but as i thought and reflected on what my relationship with the Lord has meant to me, my heart churned and pounded, and i could just sense God's presence through all the doubts and beliefs and faith in the room.
although i never had to verbally account for what being a Christian is for me, i figured it was still, if not only important, but rather imperative for me to define it. so what better place.
at TVC, like many other churches or organizations, we have a motto. our motto is this: love is the thing. and i guess that would be my response to her. Love is central to what Christianity is all about. yeah, there's the "love-your-neighbor thing," and the even higher, "love-God "thing, but even more inherent to our faith is that God-loves-us thing. and if you really think about it, it is so absolutely crazy to think that our Creator, someone who made the Milky Way without effort, one that has seen the expanse of the world and every sunrise and sunset, would even care as much as to take care of our menial needs? it's straight up ridiculous. but to me, it is so crazy, that it just must be true.
love is central to our faith. God loved us first. out of His love for us, we are brought into unending grace. as a response to that love and that grace, we develop a love for Him in return. as a result of our love for Him, we should extend the same love and grace to every single person on the planet. (notice i said should, lest we forget that Christians are human, and self-centered just like the rest of the planet. it is so hard to break us from the nasty shell we come in!). and that love for others, and our love of Christ, should draw others in, into a love they, too, can share with Him!
i felt God's heart for this group of vulnerable souls all throughout the discussion time. when a new seeker confessed that she is in the exploratory stages of her faith, even saying she wouldn't even consider herself a believer yet. rather than grieve for her, i felt my heart cart-wheel! God is moving in her, FOR her! He is drawing her near to Him, even in ways she might not recognize! like showing up for a study about faith! like seeking! and asking questions! He's got a plan for that girl, and I can not wait for her to discover His redemptive love!
perhaps one of the best parts of tonight was the outgoing questions and comments from two young women that were visiting. one of the girls, Brittany, asked the question, "why do we try to use scare-tactics (you're going to hell unless you convert!) to 'evangelize,' rather than share the Gospel of Love?" her friend, Jasmine, stood up to answer. her comments seriously made my heart squeal preach it sistah! and brought tears to my eyes.
brittany said she was just a babe in the faith, and there was much she didn't know yet. and as a baby Christian, she's still dealing with the tension of not measuring up to perfection, failing Christ, and understanding that that is okay! that He will still love her! she reminded us, that there is nothing any of us can do to drive that love away from us, that He will always extend that love and forgiveness, that mercy and grace regardless of how well or poor we perform. Brittany said that sometimes, as mature Christians, we can forget what it's like to feel dirty. we forget where we came from. and in that, we often don't show that same love that is even hard for new Christians to comprehend, heck, i'm still trying to figure it out! but in her honesty and vulnerability, in her newness of faith, i was blessed with a profound thought on how i've never even realized i've likely acted subconsciously.
she is right; we do forget. i forget all the time what it was like to feel like a "sinner." i was grateful for that reminder, that we need to dress the wound of the broken with the same gentleness that we once required. mmm. such good medicine for the soul. thank you, jesus!
as she said, we forget what it was like. in fact, i recounted my story for perhaps the first time ever, tonight.
i was young. i feel like i was 5 or 6, although additional facts would place me in about 2nd grade. to-may-to, to-mah-to.
i went to church with my best friend from elementary school, jessica. my family didn't go to church, although we did a brief stint at the Kingdom Hall when i was about 4 or 5. all i remember was wearing my first cardigan (because the meeting hall was so D cold!) and the cheese danishes at the convention (dee-lish!).
once, my sister and i got a children's Bible for Christmas. we were so disappointed it wasn't a toy. i think my sister scribbled in it with crayons. i would've never done that. i was a good child. (or so my version of the story usually holds).
anyways, i remember sunday school because it was the first time i had ever been. and also, because it was the first time i had heard about these 10 rules you had to follow to go to Heaven. now, i don't know if this was part of a two week session reviewing the Old Testament, and relating it to the New, but all I know is I only got half the story. and i. was. devastated.
all i knew, was that i was wretched. honor my father and mother? i knew i didn't always do that. no lying? uh oh! but the cardinal sin for me was "thou shalt not steal." i was convicted. when i was three, i accidentally stole a pack of juicy fruit (or double-mint, i can't *quite* remember all the details!). i honest-to-goodness did not realize i had done anything wrong. but i had sinned. and for this, i was damned to hell! that is a tough cookie for any 7-year-old to swallow!
oh, i remember praying and praying and praying! i knew there was a God, even that young; I just knew it. there may have been some influence on that at least at home, but i had never heard about Jesus. or at least i don't remember it if I did. all i know, is that I left that Sunday thinking about not only how cruddy i knew i was, but about how disappointed God must be in me for breaking His rules. i was so scared about hell, and i begged for forgiveness all the time for the same silly sin. the thing is, i never got the other half of the story! i was so lost not knowing there was reconciliation for my sins! (note to any sunday-school curriculum developers, please, please PLEASE make sure you don't just teach the 10 commandments without talking about how JESUS comes to REPLACE the law! sincerely, redeemed-after-many-tortuous-years-of-guilt-and-shame).
once i found out about Jesus, it made SENSE to me! i could never make up for that pack of gum i stole; or for that time i accidentally killed a frog while digging footers with my daddy for his new house in third grade (i'm tellin' ya, i had the biggest, guiltiest conscience as a kiddo!). but the reconciliation, it clicked. i knew i couldn't do it on my own. i had already failed God, and at this rate, would fail him again by snack time. and i knew he couldn't just forget what i've done; afterall, there were these rules that i had broken. but when i found out that the solution i had been hoping for actually existed!? i was elated. but i don't think i realized what a big deal that was until the past 10 years or so.
as part of our study, we talked about the reason for pluralism, or even the reason religion existed in general. from a very young age, i knew i was rotten. even the goodie-two-shoes that i was proclaimed to be. i knew i had a cruddy core, and nothing i could do could compensate for my failures. i got that. and i knew there had to be more. that something had to exist beyond me. to see any sunset and not wonder how something so magnificent could be on accident, to not question what purpose all of this life serves to be? just knowing there was a God was not enough. i guess i began my faith journey like the jews. believing in the law, and recognizing my own inability to maintain it. no other religion offers a means to bridge the gap in which we know we are dirty people, and God is a holy God. and then, there was Jesus. and he changed everything for me. He brought redemption, and purpose, and forgiveness.
if you are reaching for something more, if you are left unsatisfied by your own mistakes and your inability to clean yourself up; come to Jesus. His love is unending; His mercy flows free! there is true freedom in His redemption. and He has loved you, will love you, more than you could ever even imagine.
the first study i joined was on 1 Peter. then we journeyed through a 12 week study on Hebrews. more recently, we concluded a study on Ephesians. because summer is an interesting time for people and churches alike, we've taken a different approach, and are doing the book study "The Reason for God" by Tim Keller as our Tuesday night study.
last week we explored Christianity and the Bible and their credibility in a culture that places a high value on reason and evidentiary science. this week, we delved into the topic of other religions and how there is only one true path to God.
i've been attending TVC for almost 2 years, with a 4 month hiatus for the time i spent in Haiti. in the time there, i don't think i have ever experienced such a rich and valuable dialogue as i did this evening.
don't get me wrong; i absolutely love our church. the authenticity in the simplistic worship, the way we read through the Bible chapter by chapter, book by book. the loving gentleness of Christ that is reflected in the way Kim brings our prayers and needs to the Lord; the genuine, patient-urgency Pastor Jim brings through each weeks teaching.
but tonight, i feel like something shifted; like revival began to knock at the century-old chapel's doors. and it was magnificent.
maybe the move i felt was in my own heart; maybe it was palpable for others sitting, discussing, observing. regardless, it was there. and it overwhelmed my heart and brought tears to my eyes!
toward the end of our discussion, a woman stood up and said she had a question. she said she is not necessarily a Christian, but that she would identify herself with Christian principals. she has many friends that are agnostic, athiest, muslim, hindu. her question was, "when people ask me am i a Christian, what does that mean? what does it mean to 'be' a Christian?"
as i pondered, and listened to Pastor Jim's response, I was almost embarrassed that i didn't have an immediate clear-cut response already penned in my head. but as i thought and reflected on what my relationship with the Lord has meant to me, my heart churned and pounded, and i could just sense God's presence through all the doubts and beliefs and faith in the room.
although i never had to verbally account for what being a Christian is for me, i figured it was still, if not only important, but rather imperative for me to define it. so what better place.
at TVC, like many other churches or organizations, we have a motto. our motto is this: love is the thing. and i guess that would be my response to her. Love is central to what Christianity is all about. yeah, there's the "love-your-neighbor thing," and the even higher, "love-God "thing, but even more inherent to our faith is that God-loves-us thing. and if you really think about it, it is so absolutely crazy to think that our Creator, someone who made the Milky Way without effort, one that has seen the expanse of the world and every sunrise and sunset, would even care as much as to take care of our menial needs? it's straight up ridiculous. but to me, it is so crazy, that it just must be true.
love is central to our faith. God loved us first. out of His love for us, we are brought into unending grace. as a response to that love and that grace, we develop a love for Him in return. as a result of our love for Him, we should extend the same love and grace to every single person on the planet. (notice i said should, lest we forget that Christians are human, and self-centered just like the rest of the planet. it is so hard to break us from the nasty shell we come in!). and that love for others, and our love of Christ, should draw others in, into a love they, too, can share with Him!
i felt God's heart for this group of vulnerable souls all throughout the discussion time. when a new seeker confessed that she is in the exploratory stages of her faith, even saying she wouldn't even consider herself a believer yet. rather than grieve for her, i felt my heart cart-wheel! God is moving in her, FOR her! He is drawing her near to Him, even in ways she might not recognize! like showing up for a study about faith! like seeking! and asking questions! He's got a plan for that girl, and I can not wait for her to discover His redemptive love!
perhaps one of the best parts of tonight was the outgoing questions and comments from two young women that were visiting. one of the girls, Brittany, asked the question, "why do we try to use scare-tactics (you're going to hell unless you convert!) to 'evangelize,' rather than share the Gospel of Love?" her friend, Jasmine, stood up to answer. her comments seriously made my heart squeal preach it sistah! and brought tears to my eyes.
brittany said she was just a babe in the faith, and there was much she didn't know yet. and as a baby Christian, she's still dealing with the tension of not measuring up to perfection, failing Christ, and understanding that that is okay! that He will still love her! she reminded us, that there is nothing any of us can do to drive that love away from us, that He will always extend that love and forgiveness, that mercy and grace regardless of how well or poor we perform. Brittany said that sometimes, as mature Christians, we can forget what it's like to feel dirty. we forget where we came from. and in that, we often don't show that same love that is even hard for new Christians to comprehend, heck, i'm still trying to figure it out! but in her honesty and vulnerability, in her newness of faith, i was blessed with a profound thought on how i've never even realized i've likely acted subconsciously.
she is right; we do forget. i forget all the time what it was like to feel like a "sinner." i was grateful for that reminder, that we need to dress the wound of the broken with the same gentleness that we once required. mmm. such good medicine for the soul. thank you, jesus!
as she said, we forget what it was like. in fact, i recounted my story for perhaps the first time ever, tonight.
i was young. i feel like i was 5 or 6, although additional facts would place me in about 2nd grade. to-may-to, to-mah-to.
i went to church with my best friend from elementary school, jessica. my family didn't go to church, although we did a brief stint at the Kingdom Hall when i was about 4 or 5. all i remember was wearing my first cardigan (because the meeting hall was so D cold!) and the cheese danishes at the convention (dee-lish!).
once, my sister and i got a children's Bible for Christmas. we were so disappointed it wasn't a toy. i think my sister scribbled in it with crayons. i would've never done that. i was a good child. (or so my version of the story usually holds).
anyways, i remember sunday school because it was the first time i had ever been. and also, because it was the first time i had heard about these 10 rules you had to follow to go to Heaven. now, i don't know if this was part of a two week session reviewing the Old Testament, and relating it to the New, but all I know is I only got half the story. and i. was. devastated.
all i knew, was that i was wretched. honor my father and mother? i knew i didn't always do that. no lying? uh oh! but the cardinal sin for me was "thou shalt not steal." i was convicted. when i was three, i accidentally stole a pack of juicy fruit (or double-mint, i can't *quite* remember all the details!). i honest-to-goodness did not realize i had done anything wrong. but i had sinned. and for this, i was damned to hell! that is a tough cookie for any 7-year-old to swallow!
oh, i remember praying and praying and praying! i knew there was a God, even that young; I just knew it. there may have been some influence on that at least at home, but i had never heard about Jesus. or at least i don't remember it if I did. all i know, is that I left that Sunday thinking about not only how cruddy i knew i was, but about how disappointed God must be in me for breaking His rules. i was so scared about hell, and i begged for forgiveness all the time for the same silly sin. the thing is, i never got the other half of the story! i was so lost not knowing there was reconciliation for my sins! (note to any sunday-school curriculum developers, please, please PLEASE make sure you don't just teach the 10 commandments without talking about how JESUS comes to REPLACE the law! sincerely, redeemed-after-many-tortuous-years-of-guilt-and-shame).
once i found out about Jesus, it made SENSE to me! i could never make up for that pack of gum i stole; or for that time i accidentally killed a frog while digging footers with my daddy for his new house in third grade (i'm tellin' ya, i had the biggest, guiltiest conscience as a kiddo!). but the reconciliation, it clicked. i knew i couldn't do it on my own. i had already failed God, and at this rate, would fail him again by snack time. and i knew he couldn't just forget what i've done; afterall, there were these rules that i had broken. but when i found out that the solution i had been hoping for actually existed!? i was elated. but i don't think i realized what a big deal that was until the past 10 years or so.
as part of our study, we talked about the reason for pluralism, or even the reason religion existed in general. from a very young age, i knew i was rotten. even the goodie-two-shoes that i was proclaimed to be. i knew i had a cruddy core, and nothing i could do could compensate for my failures. i got that. and i knew there had to be more. that something had to exist beyond me. to see any sunset and not wonder how something so magnificent could be on accident, to not question what purpose all of this life serves to be? just knowing there was a God was not enough. i guess i began my faith journey like the jews. believing in the law, and recognizing my own inability to maintain it. no other religion offers a means to bridge the gap in which we know we are dirty people, and God is a holy God. and then, there was Jesus. and he changed everything for me. He brought redemption, and purpose, and forgiveness.
if you are reaching for something more, if you are left unsatisfied by your own mistakes and your inability to clean yourself up; come to Jesus. His love is unending; His mercy flows free! there is true freedom in His redemption. and He has loved you, will love you, more than you could ever even imagine.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
having the right (gr)attitude
if you're from the south, you may have noticed this *slight* heatwave that has taken over. it may have forced you in doors, or caused you to shower more often than normal. i didn't even realized how hot it was until i finally checked my weather app today to see that there was a heat index warning, as the current temp was 99 with a feels-like of 107 and rising! i knew i had been sweating, but i usually try to assume its not as bad as it may be.
i thought about it today; the odd juxtaposition of 1st world problems in relation to the third-world. someone asked me if it was hot, and i remember responding that i didn't quite know; i had only made the venture from the house, to the car, to the salon.
as i was leaving the store, i was acutely aware of how hot it was as my freshly coifed scalp began to sweat.
but i was overcome with a spirit of gratitude.
thank you jesus, for a world so perfectly crafted in which every detail you've arranged.
that you've made this planet inhabitable by giving it just the right spin and distance from the sun, in which we can survive.
thank you, jesus, for the technology that has produced air conditioning.
thank you jesus, for blessing me the opportunity to be born into a culture that both values cold air, and also can afford it.
thank you for providing the comfort of a cool building to exit and a cool car to enter.
just a small reflection of the things in life i have to be thankful for.
what are you grateful for?
i thought about it today; the odd juxtaposition of 1st world problems in relation to the third-world. someone asked me if it was hot, and i remember responding that i didn't quite know; i had only made the venture from the house, to the car, to the salon.
as i was leaving the store, i was acutely aware of how hot it was as my freshly coifed scalp began to sweat.
but i was overcome with a spirit of gratitude.
thank you jesus, for a world so perfectly crafted in which every detail you've arranged.
that you've made this planet inhabitable by giving it just the right spin and distance from the sun, in which we can survive.
thank you, jesus, for the technology that has produced air conditioning.
thank you jesus, for blessing me the opportunity to be born into a culture that both values cold air, and also can afford it.
thank you for providing the comfort of a cool building to exit and a cool car to enter.
just a small reflection of the things in life i have to be thankful for.
what are you grateful for?
addendum
okay, so here's the deal. yours truly did, indeed, get a haircut today. how much, on the other hand, is a little debatable. but let me explain before i'm accosted and sentenced back to the chains of my former 'do.
this morning, as i typed my blog, i conceded my defeat. i gave the Lord any left-over dreams or desires, and said 'do what you want with this; i'm done.' i went in, armed with pictures of bobs, shoulder-length shags, and a few longer 'do's i had pinned in the few days since i made my appointment. i had fully come to terms with having to say good-bye to as many inches as it took to makeme my hair healthy again.
well, after consulting with ashley, a dear friend and talented stylist (book her here!), i came to find out that she wouldn't need to take off too much at all, only about an inch in the length, and then a little more within the layers. with every snip of the scissors, i found myself, for the first time, not concerned with the amount of hair that was on the floor. i don't know if it was the fact that my hypothetical "wedding" (in which i have NO details as to where, when, or most importantly even, with WHOM?!) was no longer what was guiding my immediate thoughts on hair, or the fact that i had a sense of security that wasn't shaken at the thought of less hair on my head. regardless, it was one of the most carefree times at the salon for me (and if you knew me circa 2001-2006, you would know i spent and awful lot of time there).
ahh, freedom.
and, ... bangs! now THOSE are a huge commitment! but as of yet, i love them!
maybe the world needs a few more hair cuts. and a lot more jesus.
this morning, as i typed my blog, i conceded my defeat. i gave the Lord any left-over dreams or desires, and said 'do what you want with this; i'm done.' i went in, armed with pictures of bobs, shoulder-length shags, and a few longer 'do's i had pinned in the few days since i made my appointment. i had fully come to terms with having to say good-bye to as many inches as it took to make
well, after consulting with ashley, a dear friend and talented stylist (book her here!), i came to find out that she wouldn't need to take off too much at all, only about an inch in the length, and then a little more within the layers. with every snip of the scissors, i found myself, for the first time, not concerned with the amount of hair that was on the floor. i don't know if it was the fact that my hypothetical "wedding" (in which i have NO details as to where, when, or most importantly even, with WHOM?!) was no longer what was guiding my immediate thoughts on hair, or the fact that i had a sense of security that wasn't shaken at the thought of less hair on my head. regardless, it was one of the most carefree times at the salon for me (and if you knew me circa 2001-2006, you would know i spent and awful lot of time there).
ahh, freedom.
and, ... bangs! now THOSE are a huge commitment! but as of yet, i love them!
 |
| what do you think? are the bangs a good thing? |
not that i will ever be able to recreate this look (round brushing should be considered a rare and challenging art form!), but even without the loss of too many inches, i felt free in a sense of the word.
maybe the world needs a few more hair cuts. and a lot more jesus.
split ends
today marks a huge milestone in my life.
no, it's not my 30th birthday (yet; gah, that's fast approaching!). it's not the anniversary of my first hanson concert (although, it actually may be). and it's certainly not the day i decided to convert to harry potter fanaticism (i'm okay with the fact that i have had nothing to do with any of those potter/hobbit/star wars books or movies).
today, i (will) cut my hair.
you're disappointed, i know. i get it. after a build-up like that, you were fully expecting me to purchase my first home or announce that i was preggers. but give me a moment to explain.
my entire life, i have wanted long, luscious locks. i've dreamed about flowing curls at my wedding. but instead, i get hair that takes a year to grow 3 or 4 inches, and in that time, the ends are so devastated that it requires at least an inch cut off twice a year to just make it semi-healthy. because it takes soooo long to grow, i surreptitiously skip over the suggested 6-8 week trim, because in that time, they would wind up trimming more than has grown! and for the past year, i've noticed that my hair is thinning. i went through a stage after coming back from haiti in which it began to fall out by the handfuls. i was devastated and borderline depressed.
i know this all sounds petty, but for a girl that has dreamt about her wedding since she was old enough to successfully walk in mama's heels, this is monumental.
this afternoon, i am going to get a hair cut. it may or may not be drastic to you. but what it is, is me saying, Lord, i trust you. i'm not holding on to the dream of getting married, expecting it to happen in the forefront of the next few years. Lord, i trust in your timing. Lord, i know that your plans for me greatly exceed my own. i hand over to you my disappointment, and i trade it in for hope. not hope for this to happen, or for that; but a hope in your perfect will that can never bring disappointment.
theres an amazing correlation between the split ends on my head, the dead ends of my past, and the broken strands being repaired and renewed by the Lord. today, i ceremonially cut off the old and dead for the promise of new life and health.
no, it's not my 30th birthday (yet; gah, that's fast approaching!). it's not the anniversary of my first hanson concert (although, it actually may be). and it's certainly not the day i decided to convert to harry potter fanaticism (i'm okay with the fact that i have had nothing to do with any of those potter/hobbit/star wars books or movies).
today, i (will) cut my hair.
you're disappointed, i know. i get it. after a build-up like that, you were fully expecting me to purchase my first home or announce that i was preggers. but give me a moment to explain.
my entire life, i have wanted long, luscious locks. i've dreamed about flowing curls at my wedding. but instead, i get hair that takes a year to grow 3 or 4 inches, and in that time, the ends are so devastated that it requires at least an inch cut off twice a year to just make it semi-healthy. because it takes soooo long to grow, i surreptitiously skip over the suggested 6-8 week trim, because in that time, they would wind up trimming more than has grown! and for the past year, i've noticed that my hair is thinning. i went through a stage after coming back from haiti in which it began to fall out by the handfuls. i was devastated and borderline depressed.
i know this all sounds petty, but for a girl that has dreamt about her wedding since she was old enough to successfully walk in mama's heels, this is monumental.
this afternoon, i am going to get a hair cut. it may or may not be drastic to you. but what it is, is me saying, Lord, i trust you. i'm not holding on to the dream of getting married, expecting it to happen in the forefront of the next few years. Lord, i trust in your timing. Lord, i know that your plans for me greatly exceed my own. i hand over to you my disappointment, and i trade it in for hope. not hope for this to happen, or for that; but a hope in your perfect will that can never bring disappointment.
theres an amazing correlation between the split ends on my head, the dead ends of my past, and the broken strands being repaired and renewed by the Lord. today, i ceremonially cut off the old and dead for the promise of new life and health.
Friday, July 8, 2011
oh how he loves us
one evening last week (okay, it was thursday, and yes i spent 5 minutes trying to figure out exactly when), i was driving on the interstate to make a quick trip to michael's. i have sort of been in a crafting craze as of late (my roommate has started to call me "martha," and i'm not totally put off by the comparison!) and my latest obsession with pintrest was driving me to create a book wreath (neither here nor there, really).
all of that to say, driving down the interstate, just before rush hour really got too thick, i found myself in {joyful} tears. leaving my house, i really wanted to hear the song "how he loves," and managed to find it on pandora. as i listened through a crackly reception, i let the words permeate my heart.
i was reminded of one night i spent in Haiti. i had just left the prayer room, and was walking back to my apartment under the clear, caribbean sky. i paused for a moment at the end of the sidewalk, before crossing into the dirt path to our quad. looking up, a shooting star streaked across the night sky, and my heart melted. melted! for Jesus. i had always loved Him; but that was the first time i remember feeling that same "in love" feeling for Him! i felt as if He had created this entire world, and all its beauty, just to show me and share with me and give to me! that night, i sat in the coolness of the sea-bound breeze underneath the mango tree and blogged. i felt like i was journaling about a first love that had just captured my heart.
the feeling i felt that evening driving to the art supply shop was the same feeling i felt that night in haiti. i am absolutely in love with jesus and am so grateful to serve such a loving, thoughtful, provisional Father.
all of that to say, driving down the interstate, just before rush hour really got too thick, i found myself in {joyful} tears. leaving my house, i really wanted to hear the song "how he loves," and managed to find it on pandora. as i listened through a crackly reception, i let the words permeate my heart.
He is jealous for me. His love's like a hurricane; i am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. when all of the sudden, i am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and i realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.
oh, how He loves us so. oh, how He loves us; how He loves us, oh.
we are His portion, and He is our prize; drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes. if grace is an ocean, we're all sinking. Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. i don't have time to maintain these regrets when i think about, the way ...
He loves us. oh, how He loves us. Oh, how He loves us. how He loves us so.i found my eyes filling with tears, and my heart overwhelmed with the abundance of His love and mercy. as i drove down 440, i felt as if i could feel God's love for each person in each car that i passed; and i wanted nothing more than to roll down my window and just shout at them just how very deeply the Lord loves them and values them and wants to have an intimate relationship with them! i was overwhelmed with His love for His people, and His love for me. what a joyful, comforting feeling that we serve a God that loves us SO deeply and cherishes the time we spend with Him! mmmhmm.
i was reminded of one night i spent in Haiti. i had just left the prayer room, and was walking back to my apartment under the clear, caribbean sky. i paused for a moment at the end of the sidewalk, before crossing into the dirt path to our quad. looking up, a shooting star streaked across the night sky, and my heart melted. melted! for Jesus. i had always loved Him; but that was the first time i remember feeling that same "in love" feeling for Him! i felt as if He had created this entire world, and all its beauty, just to show me and share with me and give to me! that night, i sat in the coolness of the sea-bound breeze underneath the mango tree and blogged. i felt like i was journaling about a first love that had just captured my heart.
the feeling i felt that evening driving to the art supply shop was the same feeling i felt that night in haiti. i am absolutely in love with jesus and am so grateful to serve such a loving, thoughtful, provisional Father.
fresh
yuck. i hated that last post. i needed a fresh start.
mind heart is a steel trap, and when i miss something, i miss it with aggressive adoration. i read through some of my old haiti blogs, reminiscing and praying as my heart felt the distance of that year. it was neat though: in that moment, an old friend i met there messaged me, and we wound up talking for a little while, which helped to bridge the two worlds. i love how God always knows just what we need.
voila! oh the joys of internet posting.
i need for this post to be two things:
- i need to write. to release. to create.
- i want to talk about jesus. lots about jesus. i hope that's okay with you. good.
now that that is out of the way...
sunday. ah, sunday was a glorious day. i wore blue and white in honor of it being the day before my favorite holiday (and let's be real; 95% of my summer wardrobe is some sort of blue/white combination).
- sunday was communion sunday at church. we do this as a church family the first sunday of every month. i love this tradition. i love how the holy spirit does so much work in our grimy hearts during this time. i love the reminder of christ's body, the bread; the example his life was. the reminder of the blood he shed on calvary, the wine, that reminds us it is by His sacrifice that we are forgiven. its a mystical thing to me; how my heart gets it, but my head still doesn't quite understand. i'm okay living in that tension though.
- we also talked about the story about the two sisters, mary and martha, and their interaction with jesus. it was a pretty introspective time. i've got some martha qualities that need some refining, but overall, think i can align with mary much of the time. i love how she sat at jesus' feet, just listening. just being. one thing i really took from the sermon was that being is greater than doing, sitting at jesus' feet must precede action on our part.
- with jesus > for jesus
- worship > working
- being > doing
- the "good" thing (serving jesus) can often distract us from the "great" thing (being in His presence)
i spent a lot of the evening listening to worship music on pandora, and my heart was so full of joy that i literally (if not gracefully!) danced for jesus in my living room :) hopefully the neighbors didn't witness that.
in preparation for THE greatest holiday on this side of the globe, i retreated to my attic, and spent some annual Patriotic QT with my sewing machine. after a snaffu with the needle (which sent me to walmart for replacements!) i sat down to find that even a new needle didn't fix the issue! something was severely wrong, and it would not stitch correctly or hold the stitch! it was extremely frustrating, and i tried everything i could to fix it. so i prayed: "dear jesus, please help mend whatever is broken in this machine. i don't have the money to replace it, and you know how much joy i get from being able to sew. thank you for giving me this passion, and i ask in your name that you would set right whatever is wrong with this machine. amen."
and just like that, back to normal. i love jesus! he longs to take care of even our smallest needs, even if they seem silly at the time!
i'm astounded at his goodness. i am blessed beyond my own heart and mind can comprehend. when i think about His love, i barely understand it, yet i know i am fully beneath it. i want more from you Lord; not in a selfish, or unfulfilled way; but in a way that is not yet satisfied. a hunger that is not yet placated. jesus, thank you for your love and mercy.
just give me jesus
i come empty; no witty banter, no clever hook. i'm usually really good at taking familiar, daily-life situations and making them relate to some profound aspect of faith. or i'm really bad at it and i've just fooled myself. regardless, i come with no agenda, with no metaphor, with no interesting plot.
but as i lay down for bed tonight, i say this: just give me jesus.
even in the midst of summer vacay (which is way, way, WAY too short), i've felt the busy-ness bug. do this. complete this. make this. cook this. read this. very little enjoy this. and in the moments that i spend doing nothing, i feel guilty. i should be reading, praying, writing, working, exercising, you name it. i turned on the TV today for one of the first times and watched a marathon just because. i've had nearly 6 weeks of summer, and its the first time i've done that. and i felt guilty every second.
its hard to rest. and its hard not to feel guilty when i do. and its even harder that in this time of rest, i often feel like there is still much to do and be done. and its hard when i keep going and keep doing, because i know that this is the time of rest, and it's only going to get worse!
all of that is neither here nor there.
you can have all this mess,
just give me jesus.
but as i lay down for bed tonight, i say this: just give me jesus.
even in the midst of summer vacay (which is way, way, WAY too short), i've felt the busy-ness bug. do this. complete this. make this. cook this. read this. very little enjoy this. and in the moments that i spend doing nothing, i feel guilty. i should be reading, praying, writing, working, exercising, you name it. i turned on the TV today for one of the first times and watched a marathon just because. i've had nearly 6 weeks of summer, and its the first time i've done that. and i felt guilty every second.
its hard to rest. and its hard not to feel guilty when i do. and its even harder that in this time of rest, i often feel like there is still much to do and be done. and its hard when i keep going and keep doing, because i know that this is the time of rest, and it's only going to get worse!
all of that is neither here nor there.
you can have all this mess,
just give me jesus.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
i'm certifiably insane
today, is july 6th. see? right above this, it says so.
that means: it is still summer.
however, since roughly 11 a.m. today (so for the last 7 hours!), i have been working on stuff for school.
yep. teachers never rest.
granted, i have barely lifted a finger more than the half an inch it takes to hit each key stroke. nonetheless, i have been sifting through other primary teachers blog sites, discussion boards, and even my latest addiction, pintrest, in search of new ideas to get organized and ready for the fast approaching school year!
it's not the fact that i haven't left the house. or showered, or heck, even gotten out of my pj's. it also has nothing to do with the fact i've written a 16 page parent handbook for back to school night, highlighting every minute detail of our classroom from arrival to homework to recycling (yup, even going green!). it's not even the fact that I'm considering (as a second year teacher who barely has her feet wet!) implementing a CRAZY, regimented, INDEPENDENT method of doing my literacy centers (yes i do teach kindergarten and did say INDEPENDENT?!?! (although that might be one of the reasons, for sure).
but the fact, that in my ambitions of a 2nd year teacher, I want to create a unit on teaching 5-year-olds to write a newspaper as an end of the year thematic project; and i want to write a blog about it?! yep, i am. certifiably insane that is.
my new teaching blog will be linked from this page at the top header like those other under-used headlines. and it will chronicle my 2nd year as a kindergarten teacher.
i'm ambitious. but that doesn't mean i'm not nuts.
reading through all the other teacher blogs out there, i realize just how much we have to learn from each other! I have been so blessed by the pages and pages dedicated to explaining how they do their centers, photographing the cute things from units past, and detailing their method to the madness! (and indeed, it IS madness!)
so, I'll be blogging over at www.wateringthekindergarten.blogspot.com (hehe, get it?! i love that play on words! ... lame, i know.) i figured it would be best to not make all my 8 followers (and those creepers that don't officially "Follow" -- ... dad!) read through how i taught 18 children to stand in a straight line today! (way harder than you think!)
okay, enough. i have to go ... enjoy the last couple weeks of summer vacay ...
... by reading about more school stuff i'm sure.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)