i know it doesn't look like it, but i have been writing every day. i may not finish the post, but by golly, i at least get it started! (day 12 is half-written, but it's 12:30 and I'm going to get up in 5 1/2 hours, so, ... priority).
this one, this one I will finish.
this weekend has been crazy intense. in a good way. no, actually ... in a great way. having jasen and the sex+money crew in town has done miraculous things for my soul. even though getting everything together in time for their arrival yesterday, and doing my southwest video (hopefully, Day 21 of Thankfulness.. more to come on that, later!), was a bit hectic, it all was well worth it. seriously, just their presence in my home, and the opportunity for me to fill a need and be hospitable and serve them has done w-o-n-d-e-r-s for my heart. i love how God totally blesses us as we serve others. i'm pretty sure its one of the secrets to life long happiness. somewhere just south of diet coke and chocolate. i kid. sort of.
this morning, i got to get up and make the guys breakfast. i can't tell you the last time i did that. and i can't tell you how much i loved it. even more than i loved the nutella, banana biscuits. (finally! the bananas aren't going to go bad because i won't eat them!) i missed having schmorgasboard breakfasts circa the Estes house!
i spent the afternoon at Crema, a coffee show in downtown Nashville. i don't even drink coffee, so i don't really do the coffee house scene. so it was all that more special for me because it was so rare.
after the crew left for their soundcheck, i decided to bake pumpkin chocolate-chip muffins on a whim. i cooked dinner and baked cookies last night, cooked breakfast this AM, and now muffins?! seriously, the opportunity to cook & bake so much has blessed my heart, y'all! i'm so sick of cooking for 1, while the vast majority of the leftovers go unconsumed.
the documentary tonight was pretty intense. i kept asking the Lord to really break my heart for it, like, face-first weeping into the floor, but it didn't come. but instead, His revelation did. in so many ways.
first, i realized, He gives us broken hearts for different things, things in which we can have the biggest sphere of influence and the most impact. early today, i realized that i finally was at a point that i could be, and was, really excited for the spiritual gifts and talents of others, without coveting them, or looking at them condescendingly. we have all been uniquely gifted and blessed and given passions and callings for a reason-- to expand his kingdom within our sphere of influence.
secondly, as Morgan shared, she touched on two things: first: putting the first commandment first: loving God with all we are. out of THAT intimacy with Him, we are moved into action by loving our neighbor as ourself. it's amazing how quick we are to forget that. secondly: as we do this, we are restored as He ministers to OUR hearts. He is just THAT good.
then, I felt as if tonight the Lord is beginning to "till" my heart. that this week is going to be a lot of crazy, intense times with jesus, and this documentary, although great and intense and provoking, wasn't necessarily a be-all, end-all for me. God's already got other plans underway with my heart and passions (learning that it's okay to not feel led towards EVERY act of goodness and mercy and justice!) He was using tonight to prep the soil; to put my heart and mind in the right frame and spirit. stirring it up enough to have my attention and my desires placed in His hand. I got the vision of me on this merry-go-round. as it spun and spun, i got split-second images of each place surrounding me that my eyes locked to. every scene looked so inviting, that i just wanted it to stop right then and there, so that i wouldn't miss out on what God had for me. i thought this image over in my head, but didn't make a ton of sense of it aside from that.
as we returned home after the screening and worship, scott asked if they all could pray over me, as we had to say our goodbyes sunday night since i was leaving for work so early on Monday. during our time of prayer, they all spoke prophetically over me. and i can not even share how merciful the Father is to reveal His heart to me about things that only He would know; confirming other things that only I would know.
joe prophesied that i am a protected daughter. no plans of the enemy will prevail over me. He also said that he saw that I had all of these ideas as of lately, and that they were all from God (as in, I didn't have to second guess which ones were of the flesh, and which of Him). this was radical to my heart because He had no idea of the list of things I wanted to do with my life that I wrote last month, or that I was doubting what realm they were conceived in. this also was confirmed because I am not in a season where I feel like I am struggling much. I haven't really felt under enemy attack much lately, and have had a substantial amount of peace with the Lord (aside from this what-am-i-doing-with-my-life identity crisis i've been experiencing.
then Megan prophesied that she saw me just having a conversation with God. that it is just about friendliness with Him. not always having to expect a big, grand revelation, or always be about praying or praising, but just talking to him, in the car even.
oh, and then, there was jasen. this man is dangerous. i knew this after meeting him in Haiti. he is the chuck norris of intercession. he is round-house-kicking the enemy in the face on a daily basis.
so he gives me the good news first: how i'm in a place of total freedom, being myself before the Lord. that I'm no longer at a place where I am questioning, "is this God?" but rather, saying 'Jesus, this is you, here I am." this coincided even with what I felt God was speaking to my heart at worship tonight:
(being okay with who i am and who he has created me to be; being confident and mature in faith; even the assurance of tonight as i stood in his presence, saying "Lord, whatever it is, doesn't even matter, I am yours. I jsut want to be where you are. I trust you, because this is too big for me to understand or to plan or figure out. i'm limited in time, money, resources.")
all was fun and games. and then, then he propheseyed that women's minstry was on my heart. he said, take it or leave it, that's what he got from God. to be honest, haven't thought one day ever about that. maybe God is on to something....?
regardless, the gifts of others have been a blessing to me as of lately. they have also allowed me to sew into my own gifts (as i believe hospitality and baking is a huge one!) i am so thankful that God gives us people that edify us, and opportunities to serve others with our giftings.
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