hope deferred.

pulling in to what looked like an old, dilapidated camp retreat, engulfed in a faint orange glow, i thought to myself, "you've got to be kidding me.  this is what i've signed up for this weekend? certainly, i've taken a wrong turn and wound up on the film set for 'psycho'."  the campus looked abandoned at best, definitely not as if it was to host a church group of 80 or so women ... poor, defenseless women.

i find my way to the back of campus and check-in with a church volunteer who hands me a name badge and a key to my room.  i've driven myself just an hour outside of nashville rather than carpooling, and i've seemed to arrive before the majority of the girls, even though i drove 15 miles north of the turn off because i didn't want to show up too early (and i've missed the mysterious, dark wind of a country road). 

the room is quaint, much like a hotel minus the ammenities such as a tv, phone, or even an alarm clock.  it held two double beds with dated, floral comforters, a dresser and a small desk and chair.  the soaps were hand-me-down soaps from Comfort Inn Suites, and there weren't any of those precious little shampoos or conditioners around to hoard use. 

i was early. i didn't know what to do.  i am used to being busy.  too busy, rushed-to-the-next-thing sort of busy.   when would my roommates arrive?  i knew one would be getting there after 9.  i could sit?  i could read?  go downstairs and try to meet some new people?  no, i'm alone at this point and had no one to fall back on.  

so i sat on the edge of the bed and pulled out my bible and my journal.  as i was rushing to get ready to leave, i went up into the attic to search for my bible.  i know that sounds terrible, but ever since having an iphone, its been infinitely more convenient to carry with me.  the bible app has highlighters, and places to bookmark and write notes with the reference tied to it.  i can flip between different translations, and even read in French if I wanted to! (i don't want to).  but, for some reason, I grabbed the tattered text from a box upstairs, and then grabbed a journal off a bookshelf used more for decor than as a burial for my most intimate thoughts.  

i opened up the brown leather journal and looked back at my last entry.  i didn't even recognize the print. 

it was several letters from my team in ethiopia three years ago.  I flipped through the letters and felt the Lord's presence whispering encouragement from beyond the brown kraft paper pages.  for my sake, even now as i write this down, it's important for me once again to recount some nuggets of their wisdom and encouragement.

• "Your enthusiasm and joy was contagious. You are a blessing and a wonderful woman of God." 

•  "My Dallas-cohort, craft buddy, National Geographic photo-genius, spunky, "most-spirited" sister and friend. Thank you for being you and for sharing that beautiful person with all of us.  You brought so much energy, insight and vitality to this little army.  Remember, "patience, Yogi, patience. " You will have an incredible journey; do not let the storms overwhelm you.  Keep your eyes on the prize, our Lord Jesus Christ.  He will lead you.  May you seek Him that your soul may live. 

•  "You are an amazing girl and amazingly beautiful.  I know God has awesome plans for you and I have seen your willingness to listen." 

•  "What a joy! I paid attention everytime you opened your mouth b/c I know it came from the heart. Your observations and insights were keen. I loved hearing you pray and watching you serve.  You are gifted in so many ways-- acting, photography, ministry." 

•  "Your quiet strengths always amazed me.  You are a joy to be around.  I was inspired when I watched you with the kids.  Thank you for showing me, and them, God's loving heart. You are an incredible photographer! Your pictures are works of art.  I pray that God reveals to you what to do with your gift! I can't wait to see what it is!" 

•  "All I can say is: What a blessing! Your sweet and sharing spirit were such an encouragement to me at the times I needed it most, even though you didn't realize it. You are such a skilled photographer and I love to see the way you experience (life) through photos. You have an explosive heart and personality and I can't wait to hear about the next step in the journey God is taking you on!" 

•  "I remember meeting you at my house like 3 months ago.  I was amazed at how serious/excited/passionate you were about this trip.  I am so, so thankful I've gotten to know you beyond that May day.  Your optimism and encouragement and conversation will always be in my mind as an example to follow.  You really have been such a wonderful friend to have in such a crazy trip as this was." 

•  "Girl, all I can say is that you have such an amazing passion for life and people.  I was truly encouraged each day by the way you embrace culture and love everyone around you.  It was such a blessing to be a part of that.  I thank you for your love for Jesus- you will make a huge difference for the Kingdom in your life." 

•  "I really enjoyed meeting you.  The thing that I will remember the most about you is your sincerity.  You are real! I will also remember your passion for the children, and how you played with them.  Your prayers during these two weeks were from your heart, and they were a great blessing to me." 

•  "The energy and love that you have is astounding. I was so amazed by your zealous attitued the first couple of days.  I thought for sure you would tire out.  But you never did.  It's so amazing to see you fit in here.  I look forward to hearing great things that you are going to accomplish in your life."

• "Rhi, what to say? How about THANK YOU! First of all thank you so much for introducing me to a world that is so much different than that I'm used to.  I don't think I've told you this, but I look up to you.  I look up to the way you think, act, and share your heart!  Thank you for ... just being yourself, that outstanding, fun-loving person.  I am so happy and grateful that you have become a part of my life.  I'm going to need to lean on your positive attitude in the coming days, I know you'll be there for me.  I can not put into words what your friendship has meant to me."

I am not the person that re-tweets compliments about their self.  but these encouraging words were words my dry soul needed to hear, and hear again, to sink in.  I sat there as tears filled my eyes reading this.  not because of the "nice things" that were being said, but the terrible realization that the illustration of the person they were casting did not resemble much of the women I have been seeing in the mirror lately.  in Proverbs 16:24, the writer tells us that "Pleasant words are like honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones."  these words were oh-so-sweet, and did help to strengthen my frail bones, weakened through fatigue and spiritual malnourishment.  I had lost sight of the girl they had painted in this portrait of words.  

and in His tender way, He used these words not to condemn me or make me feel as if I had, once again, failed.  rather, He used these words to encourage me and light the path back to the fullness of who He had created me to be.  I jotted this prayer of thanksgiving down on the next empty page of my journal.

"Lord, you are moving., (yet) you are constant.  my heart cries out for more of your beauty.  not much has changed in these last eight years. thank you for reminding me of my beauty in You.  how loving you and serving you is not shackles to my soul, but rather, they ignite passion and love within my heart.  You are Lord of ALL and are plentiful with your love and blessings.  humble me, break me, heal me, and use me.  make me to live to the fullness of your Love."

As the tears fell, I thought of the retreat's theme: Living Water.  I was feeling His living water revive my heart, my passions, my path.  It was pouring from my eyes as I witnessed a reminder of my joy in Him.  we were created for so much more in this life than to just do and get and accomplish.  we were created for true, irrevocable joy in Our Father's love, and fullness of who He has created us to be.  

so to my friends from Africa, it has been years.  and although we haven't kept in touch like we anticipated, your words have stuck with me, and the Lord has used them, even today, to encourage my heart.  thank you for your love and for your prayers, distant or not, they have spoken life and fullness over me, and I am so thankful that the Lord has brought them into fruition even over 1000 days after they have been spoken.

still.

it is 8:58 on Monday morning, and I am in my PJ's still in bed.  i hear the faint chirp of a few birds high in the trees above my window, and sunlight is all but peaking in through the white panels of my curtains.

normally at this time, i am running from place to place, trying to make sure this is copied, that is die-cut, these have been laminated, and responding to my emails from the night before.  but not today.

i took a personal day today.  after spending another 4 hours up at the school last night, i got EVERYTHING prepared and organized for this week, wrote up plans for a sub that aren't just filler plans, but actually teaching plans, very close to what we would be doing if I were there.  i've ascertained that these kiddos will NOT be missing out today.  and I had to do that very carefully, or the guilt of taking a personal day would really make it not worth it.  and i don't take these days lightly.

this weekend, and it will be reflected in many posts to come, i went on our women's retreat with church. it was fabulous and it made me wish i lived in a little world in which every weekend was a women's retreat (minus the fact it would be like paying a second rent, and then some).  but i came home with a sort of spiritual hang-over, dreading life as the normal, and still craving some time with the Lord, but not as it had been in the presence of others.  i had to take this day to make it through the next four.

I was thinking of all the things i could do on my day off, like hang out at a coffee shop, or go to the gym, or clean my house.  And honestly, those are all great things that need to be done.  but all I want to do is to spend some time with Jesus, weeping at His feet.  many can worship through song, but that is not my talent.  I love to worship through writing, so I plan to do a lot of that today too.

this is clearly the most ill-composed entry, so its clear to me it's time to wrap it up.  i don't want anyone to read this and worry about me! this is just some necessary time with the Lord! it's not about depression or anything like that, its taking some time now to do some soaking so i can pour out more effectively throughout the next few weeks.

i just need to be still.

funny story.  well, sort of.  more sweet than funny. pun intended.  and perhaps, quite shameful.

a little one in my class came in with a bag full of individually packaged, homemade brownies yesterday.  as a half day, we didn't have anyone bringing snack, and she asked to pass them out to the class.  so at lunch, i allowed her to, only to realize we came up three short (confession. i ate one. don't tell. i didn't realize we were going to be short, but we still would've been even if i hadn't).  she broke her brownie into four pieces and shared with the three girls at her table.  without one complaint from any of them.  in fact, i only saw gratitude and enjoyment from these sweet ones.

within 10 minutes, i find the note from her mother in her binder (that she did not turn in in the morning!):  "her father made the brownies for the PTO bake sale.  couldn't remember if it was today or tomorrow.  thanks!"

uh-oh.

on the upside, the brownies were delicious and super moist.  maybe even made with pumpkin or applesauce or some super unhealthy version of lard only used by the best of chefs.  but perhaps even more important than the 4 or so dollars these brownies would have raised at the bake sale was the fact I got to witness, for perhaps the first time for this little girl, a selfless act of serving her peers.  and i was reminded of Jesus.  and this week, i need as many reminders of Christ to ward off this nagging enemy of defeat that keeps trying to drag me down.  if nothing else, i saw the beginnings of a life that favors others over self, and that my friends, is a beautiful thing to witness in the life of a child.

Try again tomorrow.

I didn't do so well with not hating Mondays. Or mornings. Or getting up when I was supposed to. I also didn't do so well with patience and grace, when a few of my little ones weren't deserving yet were in dyer need of it. How do you teach respect and do-as-I-say if you are always patient and graceful when they knowingly push the envelope hard and try to walk all over me? At what point should I decide learning to deal with authority supersedes my ability to freely give grace? I want to be more like Jesus, but some days, it's just flat out hard y'all.

So tomorrow, I try again. This time while juggling report cards going home, finishing a few last minute grading, and sitting under the scrutiny of my principal for an hour long observation! I'm so nervous. Even when I gave God my anxiety this morning.

So tomorrow, I try again.

yes, yes Lord.

I'm trading my sorrows,
I'm trading my shame.
I'm laying them down, for the joy of the Lord.

I'm trading my sickness,
I'm trading my pain.
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord.

We say, yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord.
Yes, Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord.
Yes, Lord, yes, Lord, yes yes Lord, Amen.

i started singing this for no reason leaving my house earlier.  and i thought to myself, what can i trade in for joy?  what can i lay down at the cross where my sin was atoned for, to be covered in His blood and redeemed?

is it my impatience? my disdain for waking up in the morning? my frustrations with my neighbor and their friends outside of my window as i try to go to sleep?  can i lay down my anxiety over getting everything done this week? over making sure my report cards are accurate and complete?  the dread of my evaluation on Tuesday and the painstakingly monotonous process of writing my lesson plan?  what about the uneasiness that takes over before parent conferences on Thursday? can i lay that down too?

so often, we choose to tote around our baggage.  i know i am guilty of griping when it seems like too much heavy stuff is on my plate.  i'm not sure why grumbling and complaining about the negatives makes us feel better about them.  if i'm being an idealist, maybe it's our way of at least acknowledging them rather than naively pretending that they don't exist.  if i'm being a realist, maybe we simply enjoy the pity, even if it's from our own lips directed at our self.

so Jesus, tonight as i set my 5:35 alarm, i'm laying down my grumblings and asking you to create a renewed joy within my heart when i wake. remind me how blessed i am to serve a Father who loves me so dearly; children, whom you love so dearly, and to have faith that you are with me wherever and whatever i find myself.  i'm trading my anxieties for your strength and your joy, Lord.

it's genetics.

by the grace of God, i've somehow managed to escape a family history of clinical depression, addictions and mental health issues.  but today, i realized a genetic pre-disposition i have thanks to my father:

wanderlust.

no one is surprised that is in my list of character traits.  but until today, i never realized just how much i am my father's daughter.

"well ... if i sell the house in Costa (Rica), I'm going to buy in Florence, Italy."

wait, what?

As far as I know, my father has never even been to Europe, much less a specific town in Italy.  more-so, he's not even considering selling his house (that is paid for in full), in Costa Rica.  one i have yet to visit, and i am certain that one of these days he will drop off the grid and silently sink into an early retirement incognito as an ex-pat on the Pacific coast of the country.

my daddy works as a tug-boat captain for a company that tows dredging operations and pipeline down the entire atlantic coast, does work in the gulf, or the louisiana delta.  he spends 33 days on the boat, and has 14 off; a week of which he spends in Costa Rica, reliving his second childhood, or perhaps midlife crisis. and i totally get it.  if i could, i would do it too.  this quarter-life crisis is pretty difficult, too.

his citizenship is US, and if he ever moved long term, he would have to come back every 3 months for visa reasons. he has yet to make that move, even though he could have jobs lined up doing fishing charters and living out his dream, because he still wants to be close to my younger half-sister and my niece (his only grandchild).  i get that too.  i really do.

but throwing in a random comment about moving to Italy?

now, that is so me.  it practically mimics the identity crisis i've been writing/talking/praying about for the past month or so, down to my latest random desire (and item on my 3-year timeline i created) to move to London.

suddenly, it all makes sense.  in the words of Gaga, "baby, i was born this way."

bullets of blessing

tonight, as i head to bed much later than usual or preferred, i reflect on blessings from this week; namely the ones that have helped me to maintain a level of sanity that isn't considered clinically insane:

• vibrant, thriving, adult (praise-jesus, i-only-socialize-with-5-year-olds-all-day-and-needed-this-desperately) conversations.  literally, hours worth for each of the past three nights. 
• catching up with friends from haiti.  we haven't spoken a ton since then, but when we do, it is as if we were still sharing hot dogs and tropical diseases in 100 degree heat.
• 4 words: pumpkin chocolate chip muffins. nearly an entire batch. don't judge.
• seeing snip-its of the Lord moving boulders in hearts that are seeking redemption.
• the ability to revamp lessons on-the-fly.  pumpkin sink-or-float was a HUGE hit, thank-you-cafeteria-staff!  and making 3-d pumpkins with sight words on them? literally happened in a moment! that book on pumpkin parts today... hmm, maybe not doing much for my sanity there.
• my kinders and the little-tiny ways they remind me that i *love* what i do (sometimes), (if we're being honest here). For example:
• trying to explain what "genetic makeup" means to A. who asked me to explain DNA.
• my sweet B. who is always so eager to do her work, clean her table, do "read-to-self" or "work on writing."  today she said, "what are we doing next? please don't say recess."  a 5 year old that would rather be in my class working than on the playground? thank you jesus. 
• B. also gave up her rest time to clean everyone's desk, so "everyone can get a skittle for having a clean table."  servant.  i love her more and more every day.
• C.'s hugs. like, 45 a day.  
• my sweet, sweet, cate from last year that makes me feel like a beautiful, wonderful queen of the world, and lit-ter-al-ly runs me down and tackles me every morning, and most afternoons.  Such a reminder that my impact goes beyond the 176 they are in the class. thank you jesus.
• K. and his humor. "this doesn't even make any sense!" he says emphatically, when we sit on a different bleacher for the first time all year in gym this week.
• my sweet little A., whom after a friend fell over a chair and got upset said, "it's okay. we just need to pray for him." i die. 
• sweet C. choosing to give up her super-sleeper rainbow-reader sleep spot to another super sleeper today. y'all that is coveted, and she chose to give it up! selfless!
• my A., who came in pretty low as far as comprehension, academics, and processing-- watching him make connections like crazy lately! -- johnny can spell (phonics), and left and right, i'm astounded at each discovery!
• watching my kinders FREAK OUT about pumpkin-goo (pulp) today! they LOVED putting their hand inside the pumpkin!!!
• even making this list is reminding me that i have an amazing group of kids, and i need to see them as such.  they are learning to love and serve each other, and that is more priceless than learning the life cycle of a pumpkin.  good thing; we didn't quite make it to that this week. #hopetheygetcaughtuponthefieldtriptomorrow!
• a clean desk 3 out of 4 days this week! (well, mostly clean. totally clean would be batting 1000, and let's be realistic here.)
• God-ravaging my heart through morning prayer, and encouraging me and giving me peace through wonderful, life-breathing conversations with christina, bryan, leah, colt & kevin. and i don't name drop in blogs, so y'all need to know how much you've each blessed me this week!! and thank you jesus that you've created and connected leah and i, because she really got me and understood (and encouraged!) the post-haiti, identity crisis i'm experiencing!
• my lovely haitian custodian. and our talks in french. and that, without even thinking about it, she asked me what the name of my favorite food i ate in haiti was, and i answered crepe sale. sah-lay.  it's coming more second nature, less meditation on the words! she's bring me rice and bean sauce on monday *if God wills*.  i love her. she is a sweet heart. I'm bringing her pumpkin muffins tomorrow. i hope she likes jumoo. or however it is spelled. 
• the half-a-loaf of bread i've eaten with nutella for breakfast this week.  it has made waking up early *almost* a little more bearable. and diet coke. don't judge. we all have our vices.

Handstands

i promise i am not trying to take over your RSS feed.

but God just spoke to me. in cheerleader.

cheerleader, you ask? yep. He speaks that, too.

i don't even know how it started. i think, with a high kick. because perfectly sane people walk around their house (bedroom) doing high-kicks.

i chuckled, and scanned my walls. with the bed in the middle of the room, there isn't much free space. but there, if i closed my door... there's a hanging shoe rack. hmm. but there. the corner. there's nothing. and about 4 feet from the corner of the bed.

so, i did a hand stand.

after i led off my left leg, like always, it sort of pulled. okay, i get it. my 27-year-old body has very little on my 17-year-old self that used to do all sorts of crazy contortionist moves. but still, that out of shape?

i chuckled as i did a few more. and for no other reason aside from insanity, i decided, after at least 17 years of hand-standing against walls, i would try to lead with my right foot.

it was clumsy at first. and as my toes met at top-point, my left leg came down faster than my right went up. so i did it again. and low and behold, i didn't collapse on my face.

i stood in ready-position (toe pointed, hands above head) and looked in the mirror to my side and started laughing. a 27-year-old woman, in her empty house, doing handstands against the corner of her bedroom with the curtains wide open. dressed in a shirt i've had since high-school, dated Spring Break '85. this is just too comical to me. i swear i don't do this on a regular basis.

but God totally knew what He was doing. after no less than 20 handstands, i felt joy in my heart. and wisdom from a sage: after 17 years, you've done things this one way. in 5 minutes you changed everything, learned to lead opposite, and tried things a new way. and lo-and-behold, it worked. trust me. new is scary, but you won't (always) fall and land on your head. you can learn to do things you never dreamed of doing. things you never thought you could do differently. I am the wall behind you, I will steady you. I will keep you from tumbling backwards. I will remind you that with Me, everything on that secret-dreams list is possible. Scary, yes. But so was your first handstand. and you survived the scar on your leg where #152 cut to the bone. and you survived this one; 17 years later. I am with you. I will never leave you. Do not be discouraged, dismayed, or terrified. I have conquered fear by the cross. you were meant to live in freedom. to handstand. to cartwheel. to high-kick your way to heaven. find your joy in Me. and kick-off, this time with your right foot.

inspired handstanding.

thank you for that, Lord.

a book, some doubts, and a whole lot of rabbit trails.

i am not the type to dog-ear book pages.  i personally find it tacky and rude.  that page becomes immortalized, as the book flips open to there as if it were better than any other page in the book.  and that just isn't so.

i do, however, highlight and underline in a way that you would think i get paid for each word emboldened by bic.

but today, i might as well just rip out pages 54 and 55 in what the heck am i doing with my life, because i've already done both of the aforementioned.  and seeing how my last post was on the simplicity of just being (in case you missed the french translation of etre), the dog-earring of this page served as a last-straw of sorts, in which drove me to get my laptop and begin to write.  well, that and the sweat soaking through the back of my shirt, the mozzi bites all over my legs, and the skin underneath my nails from scratching through my skin's pigment.

i digress.

a few days ago, or yesterday, i don't quite remember, i wrote a frantic post (and a 3-year plan in timeline format; neither of which i posted) about some swells in my heart that we're really causing a lot of doubt and a subsequent, frantic-free-fall-flail in which i felt like Alice falling into the rabbit hole and grabbing for sense of anything.  and to be honest, i know this feeling. it is how i've wound up in haiti, and africa, and nashville.  i'm not quite fond of the feeling, even if the fruit it brings to surface are rather sweet.

regardless, the prayer in my heart and on my lips and from my knees and in liquid form by way of my eyes is that God would search my heart, the heart that He created, and reveal to me some mystical plan for my life that aligns my passions (God-given passions, in case you need any reminding Jesus...) and His call on my life (i swore i heard teaching bright as day when he first humbled me and brought me out of journalism and into the sphere of education; but now, am wondering if i've mis-heard Him-- which I was certain, so it couldn't really be a mis-hearing... so why all this doubt now? aside from the fact i want to run as fast as i can away from the profession at times.... neither here nor there, and clearly the debate within my heart is so back and forth that i am truly wrestling with it on a day-to-day basis, so there's really no need to consider any of that right now).  moving on.

i cried to jesus on thursday (thursday? sure. sounds good), and made the same petition to Him about my heart feeling drawn in a million different ways towards a one-day *dream-job*, and really what that looks like.  so much of me wants to get back to Haiti and the simplicity, and really that is where a lot of the frustrations arise, because it ultimately boils down to financial obligations and student-debt ... which is where the ball gets rolling in the way of how to get there in the most financially-savvy way.

then the other side of my heart is jealous.  the other side of my heart, that was realized over 20 years ago, loves the world.  not the materialistic world, but the actual globe full of people (although, material goods don't exactly turn me off to life!).  i love cultures, and embrace all things new, and love language and literature and the way brits and aussies pronounce literature, and for as long as i can remember, i've desired to live abroad.  not to be part of fashion week in Paris, or re-live a second college-experience in London, or pretend to be someone I'm not in Sydney.  i don't want to get caught up in "culture" in Amsterdam, or become one with the insects in Thailand.  i have simply admired the differences across the vast globe, and love how God created so many different types of people and places and horizons and cuisines and languages and capacities for communicating beyond all of the above!  i long to experience more of what He has created, and loved!

as Americans (myself included, as i hold the title for patriotism among my group of friends!), we have a pretty narrow scope of the world.  sure, we know the difference between authentic mexican and tex-mex, can tell from a person's first few words if they were born southern by God's good grace or are from the great white north (anything north of the mason-dixon might as well be canada), and we are fortunate enough that our country is so vast that much of the landscape varies from state-to-state.  but embracing differences, loving beyond language barriers, giving up our sense of entitlement and learning that we are pretty lucky to be able to work how we want and believe what we want to believe?  those are pretty tough pills to swallow-- yet, i thrive in these situations.

some people get itchy feet; i, rather, have a life-long case of hives (literally, and figuratively.  don't worry, they aren't contagious or fatal).  i don't think i will ever feel "completed" by a place, or completely at home in a country or town.  i don't think we were created to.  we know that this life is temporal.  we know that this is not truly our home.  we even know that as Christians, living in this world (regardless of location) often feels like going against the grain or rubbing the wrong way.  this is the only life we get to have the opportunity to experience as much of God's creation as we can.

all of that said (and i'm not sure why all of that is said; this post was supposed to be about a passage i read in a book!), the part of my heart opposite of wanting to forego being a missionary and living in Haiti, is a part that wants to just up and move to another country! (wait, i think i skipped a step.  i did.  the whole being-called-into-missions step.  yeah, haven't necessarily gotten that call.  but i just feel that that's the direction i'm being lead in.  maybe, i feel guilt in a sense, that i'm not a missionary.  i know guilt is NOT of the Father.  i know that He does not desire in any way to guilt us into anything.  that is never His MO. but if there is anywhere to be honest as i collect my thoughts, it is here.  because this is sort of a half-step in between hiding my emotions and vocalizing my thoughts so that they become real.
anyway, this post is all over the place!  can't you get why it's that much harder for me to sort it out on my own in my heart and mind?!  geesh, during this post alone i've already come inside, researched and written a week's worth of lesson plans, revamped my school-day schedule, and found some good tunes on Spotify.  i am so ADD.  i can not focus for more than 5 minutes, and if i am, i am thinking about everything else i need to do, and try to do it simultaneously.  wow.  self-discovery much.  flawed.  many times over.

this has turned too far in the direction of a diary entry, so i either need to turn this ship back to harbor or abandon it all together.  let's try for the former.

what was i saying?  oh, yes.  haiti vs. the world.  missionary in poverty vs. letting God minister to my heart through the world, while likely remaining in poverty myself.

i guess my question is this:  is it wrong?  to have dreams and hopes and to go after them?  is it wrong if i am sincerely trying to make sure they first align with the Lord's plans for me?  can i only serve in missions?  in haiti?  or is it possible to be used while fulfilling additional dreams?  who says that won't bring me back to haiti with increased fervor, knowing that i've experienced much of the world, and my heart remains tightly intertwined with the Lord's for Haiti.

regardless, the point is this:
     "if God knows everything-- including my car key's latest location-- then certainly he knows a thing or two about the future. 
     "The God factor should be the biggest factor in determining 'What the heck am I going to do with my life?' because God is ultimately the One who knows you best.  The Bible says He fashioned you in your mother's womb (Isaiah 44:2; Psalm 139:13-16) and designed every detail of your DNA.  He knows your strengths and weaknesses, your likes and dislikes, God knows the environments in which you will develop, grow and become more like Him.  
    "Part of God's nature is that he is a shepherd.  He is a guide.  James 1:5 is shooting straight when it says if we're at a loss for what to do, we're to go to God who gives wisdom generously.  James goes so far as to say that God will not only provide the wisdom but do it without finding fault.  In other words, God's grace and love cover us when we've lost our way.  
     "By nature, God wants to offer guidance, but recognizing the different ways he speaks and leads isn't always easy.  It begins with asking God for direction.  That may seem like a pretty small step, but it requires big faith and quite a bit of humility ... Asking God for help implies that we don't have all the answers.  It acknowledges that we are not in control of our own lives and we are dependent on someone else for guidance.  Asking God for direction is an expression of humility, and according to that verse in James, He can't help but respond.  When you are asking God for direction, you have to remember to stay put long enough to listen for an answer." (What the Heck Am I Going to Do With My Life? -- Margaret Feinberg)


40 pages prior, i read this quotation from one of the illustrations in the book:

"There I was again, wondering what in the world I wanted to be and do and a bit frustrated to be in that place again.  I began ferently praying and seeking God's direction and knew that--(page turn)-- even though I had no idea, he had formed and made me and knew the answers I was searching for.  So I prayed and waited."

if you've ever re-read a book you've read once (or twice, or three times... well, started to read at least), you might have noticed that you tend to read a little more passively, as in a oh-i-remember-this-from-last-time-okay-moving-on sort of way.  after i read that passage, i felt the Lord say to my heart, Go back.  Read that again.  You need to think about what she is saying.  and so i did.  and i analyzed the key-words: fervently praying; seeking God's direction; He made me, He knew me. prayed. waited.  have i been good at all of that lately?  to be honest to myself and to my readership of 1, not all that good at it.  sure, i've been praying. in a toss-up-my-hands and bury-my-head sort of way.  but really waiting for the Lord on it?  no.  i've been too busy drafting timelines and three-year-plans.

certainly, i trust that the God of the universe, that created us all very alike and all very different, yet all in His image, loves us enough to not let us wander in the desert without direction (when we seek it. it was a different story for the idol-worshipping Israelites; Lord, don't let my heart be turned to an idol of any form, including serving others, haiti, the world, my dreams!).  I'll even go one step further and say that He created us, and loved what He saw.  Of all the world, He said His creation was good.  but of us, He saw that His creation was very good.  He created us distinctly unique, with a passions and a purpose to fulfill for His glory.  I find great comfort, even in these moments as i remind myself, in knowing that I can plan my path, but He will guide my steps.  He will not allow even a detailed, self-decided timeline to derail me from the plans He has for me.

teach. save. go.  then go, teach and save.  Lord, you are so good.  for you is the kingdom, and power, and glory, forever.  amen.

être.

I feel
The warm sun, Poking holes in the trees, dancing from behind it's shadows upon my dry skin, leaving a touch of dewy moisture.
I hear the sound of skill saws and weedeaters; the subtle rustle of the leaves that skip side-over-side down the asphalt; the chirpchirpchirp of crickets getting an early start before dusk.
I smell
The scent of fresh cut wood. And grass. And the salty-sweaty scent the sun accumulates upon my skin.
I see fall all around me: the shorter days, the drifting leaves, the waning tan from my legs. It's a front-porch sit with a book I've tried to read three times now.
I am the transition between fiery sun and cool apathy. I am one-eye-closed reading; my heart half here and half there; my mind half-present in reality, half-meandering in dreams. I taptaptap my toes to a song that's not playing on Colorado today. I read and I think and I write, then I crumble it up and throw it away. The dissonance is frustrating on it's best day. But today, it seems irrelevant.
Today, je suis être. je dois être. And the tiny sweat-bee that lands on my knee must be okay with that. Because I am not moving from here.

some days you just have to...

i woke up this morning with my only intent on going to the school to clean, organize, and work on plans for next week.  let's just say, i didn't leave my house until nearly 1 p.m. and didn't quite make it out of town.  i'm quite okay with it.

i am going to be mighty sad at the end of this break, as it was slightly reminiscent of summer: galavanting at all hours of the eve, seeing friends from home two weekends in a row, staying up til near dawn discussing God and life and the demons that we face.  i've felt friendships flourish like none-other, and to be real honest, i've felt more like myself than i have in a good long time.  i've gotten back behind the camera, and awoke long after the sun.  today, i even DIY-ed a project i've been wanting to do since i moved in ... in MAY!  i've officially registered my car in Tennessee ... 4 and 1/2 years later.  and i cleaned the baseboards in the hallway (baby steps, people!).

this break reminds me that what i do (job) does not define or limit who i am (person).  during the school year, it is hard to believe anything does or can exist outside of the realm of the classroom.  my social life certainly doesn't.  my sleep patterns fully revolve around my job, as does any friendships i fail to maintain fully.  yet, i've realized this year (partially because last year i didn't have the time or sanity to), that the more i let my career dictate every other aspect of my life, the more miserable i become with it.  this is some sort of sudden epiphany that this rhetorical conversation has brought me to.

i am not saying that you should not love what you do or be dutifully dedicated to it.  however, if you only ate rice for every meal of the day for every day of the year, you most certainly would become sick of rice (i assume, at least; unless you're asian or haitian.  they love them some rice.  i digress.).

i must make me more of a priority during this school year.  not in a neglectful way, in which i become apathetic about what i do.  but honestly, the more i do only school related things, the more apathetic i become in response to it.  the more bland the rice tastes, that i'd just rather not eat at all.

so today, i challenge myself to put one thing on my to-do list each week that i enjoy doing.  schedule a time for it, and don't push it to the back burner.  don't get caught up in the already-scheduled items like church and bible study and monday night dinners, rather take some time, go to a coffee shop and read a book.  rent a dvd from red box.  get out my sewing patterns and make something festive for the fall.  not everything on my to-do has to be about getting stuff done; that is no way to live life.

where the Spirit of the Lord is ... there is FREEDOM

i want to approach this entry with integrity and gentleness, avoiding blame, condemnation, or disrespecting anyone.  my entire intent is to capture the movement of the Holy Spirit in the lives of myself and several of my friends, while not glamorizing or exploiting the spiritual battles endured by one or many. in fact, quite the opposite; i hope this will only memorialize a turning point in which this spiritual warfare was recognized, as were the perfect-in-His-own-way timing and appointments.  


there is no easy way to write this in truth and vulnerability, while trying to preserve that same vulnerability and display the glory of the Lord.  i know we must choose the most loving thing to do at all times, and i struggle with putting that as a higher priority than declaring God's goodness and glory, and falter in how, or even if, i should write any of this down.  but i am a writer, a recorder of fact and emotion; a proclaimer of truth and the Good News of grace and mercy found at the feet of the cross.  i can not squelch that-- it would not be true to me, nor fair to the Holy Spirit.  so i pray, even right now as i type this, that He would direct and guide my words, that He would search my heart and allow bias to fall to the wayside and approach His throne with humility, grace, forgiveness, and sensitivity.  i am a repentant sinner; i am human, and i fail. often.  i am not even close to perfect.  i am flawed by the condition of sin, by pride and selfishness just like the rest of us.  but each day, i am striving to look more and more like a portrait of jesus from 2000 years ago than a snapshot of who i was just yesterday. 


i think that Laura Story's new song, Blessings, might be the simplest way to describe what my heart is currently feeling.


When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win, we know
That pain reminds this heart,
That this is not, this is not our home.
It's not our home.


Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?


What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?


this song came on on my way home this morning.  not only did i find it a vocal interpretation of my heart's emotion, but i also found it to be an interpretation of the hope i have for a friend that is enduring a desperately dark time in their spiritual life right now.  i was moved to tears as i prayed that they would be able to reconcile their struggles to the Lord, and understand that as security and stability are stripped away, that the Lord is purging everything from their life in order to be the only thing in their life.  i pray and ask that though these thousand sleepless nights are on the cusp, that they would not be rendered useless suffering, but rather a necessary, divine intervention drawing a hopeless heart to the throne room of God to hash it out with Him alone.


last night, in a bizarre turn of events, i witnessed the Lord move in miraculous ways.  in spite of what looked like a terrifying and painful series of events, the Lord was using every last detail, proving to me that truly ALL things work together for the good of those that believe and trust in Him.  to know that he could use the brokenness and bitterness and hurt and negativity even for His glory and our good astounds me.  even enduring verbal attacks and the vapid deconstruction of a close friendship, i witnessed the Lord in ways that i feign trying to explain beyond the silent fall of tears.  in my humanness, i failed a friend.  in their humanness, they had elevated me to a place of expected perfection that only the Lord can serve in.  in our collective failure, i believe i played witness to the enemy throwing arrows to the weakened part of their soul; filling their thoughts with lies, deceit, worthlessness, hopelessness, and a feeling of abandonment.  in my attempt to do what was right, i left them even more hurting than they were before.  


i've had moments where i, too, have not been in my right mind; and i feel as if i can readily recognize it when i see it because it can look so much like how i've known my own flesh to become.  witnessing someone i know well experience one of these times, i was able to recognize that they were acting outside of their character, personality, and what i know their heart to resemble.  as the enemy's attack begin to manifest in their thought and speech, i found myself retreating in fear, rather than standing firm and declaring truth.  it was beyond my capacity at that point.  but what is even more miraculous, is that the Lord knew that.  He moved swiftly and His presence was powerfully felt.   even in spite of everything we did to mess it up,  He had ordained every single last detail, fully cementing to me that this was all a spiritual battle in which He intends to win; He is fighting for the heart and soul of His dear child, and the enemy is pulling out all the stops in a last-ditch attempt to keep his hands tightly around them.  there is no question in my mind that we were all witnessing a glimpse of the spiritual realm manifested in the events, which was both terrifying and enlightening and comforting all in the same breath.   although there was no tangible evidence, the palpable presence of the Lord and His hand moving over this situation was real.  He had ordained every last detail, even the most minute and seemingly monotonous ones:  the perfect timing and sequencing of events; the venue and crowd that laid witness; the spiritual conversation that primed the hearts and minds; a spirit of non-judgment and a discerning spirit that this was a spiritual battle taking place; the detail of a friend that had taken today off work, which made the whole gathering possible.  down to even my forfeit of the deterioration of the friendship in which i could no longer try to hold its fragile sides together in a windstorm.  the Lord used each person in such a unique way, and getting a behind-the-scenes glimpse of what He is doing was a humbling, awesome experience.  


whether they realize it yet or not, God was tearing down walls, humbling and exposing the vulnerable parts of a jaded, guarded heart.  the Spirit was piercing their heart with a tender conviction that, if nothing less, began to let go of ill-directed blame and approach the heart of the matter.  the Lord used an unsuspecting acquaintance to pray over and speak truth into this tortured heart, and a dear friend to pour out truth and rebuke with love, but without walking on eggshells to avoid hurting feelings.  on the other side of the walls, i had friends surrounding me with prayers, love, truth, and encouragement; affirming that by standing on the foundation of the Lord and His integrity that I was not to bear this burden. (not looking to be "right." or cleared from guilt. but just in knowing i was doing the right thing, even if it was hurting someone else or if in the process my feelings had been hurt).  just even the Lord providing friends and stories of His goodness and His kingdom expanding from around the globe; it was exactly what I needed to think about what is good and noble and true, as we are directed to do in His word. 


and after the dust from this battle began to settle, getting to come together as a group of close friends and lift up one of our own in prayer, covering them in protection and seeking the softening of their heart to be open to fresh revelation of His Spirit and His will.  we warred for them in prayer, declaring promises from the Word, and asking for God to use even this painful and difficult situation for His glory.  it was so Spirit-led.  THIS moment reinforced authentic community; carrying our brothers and sisters to the cross when the enemy has left them injured in a field to die alone.  THIS is what fellowship is for, why we laugh and eat together, why we learn the intricacies of life with each other, so that when satan is attacking, we can be the church and provide truth and light and point to Jesus.  THIS is why we learn to love and trust each other, so that when we need it, or need to offer it, grace and mercy, justice and forgiveness can be poured out through our hands by the Grace of the Lord.  God presented us with an opportunity last night to pursue peace in His name, to declare victory in His name.  and although we are left weary, and this is only one intense battle in a lifetime journey of warfare, we can stand and say we witnessed the Lord step in, almost in spite of our inability to do anything on His behalf, and minister to the heartbroken and the struggling to survive.  beyond that, we witnessed revival in our small group that had been nothing more than a dwindling bunch of people God chose and used as they lingered around after a game night.  


i am humbled by a great and mighty God that would move heaven and earth to be in relationship with us.  that would love us so much as to remove everything else from our lives that would get in our way of a right-relationship with Him.  a God so passionate about us that He would work even the hardest of hearts into tears, that He would move the most stubborn of voices into a peaceful moment of listening.  a God so not in need of anything we have to offer, that He could take our failures and turn them into opportunity, yet still bless us with the opportunity to see His Spirit at work.  this is the God i serve. a real, living, true God! He is RISEN! He is ALIVE!  He is FIGHTING FOR US when we can not raise the sword!  He is waring over us, protecting us from much of the unseen.  and He is so generous to give us a glimpse of His pursuit of us.  Thank you Jesus, for using our brokenness for your glory and our good.  Thank you for seeing our imperfections and using us in the lives of others anyway.  thank you Father for allowing me to witness you move.  i declare your goodness and glory, your truth and righteousness, your sovereignty over this situation and all things.  Amen.