this time last year, i was experiencing the same wretched heartache, for all the same reasons. all of that to say, the amount of growth i concurrently experienced far outnumbered any sense of pain or suffering that was encompassing my life.
ironically, i feel like where i am at with the Lord, after quite possibly my first year of consistent after-His-face seeking, is far more numbed and distant than i was at this point last year. i'm left astonished-- after all the growth and intimacy of this year, when suffering hits, why am i not able to face plant my tear-stained face in the lap of the Lord and sit anxiously at His feet, waiting for each teachable moment to arise, like i did last year?
am i not really where i think and say i am with Him? am i numbed from being here before and remembering what an up-hill battle i've got ahead of me? am i distracted because i'm employed and involved, unlike the waiting-stages of last year? have i secretly and quietly hid away my heart and am refusing to allow the Lord to work in it?
to be honest, i don't really have any idea, and that terrifies me. i used to be the type of person that pretended to have it all together-- to have a plan, to make it work, to force a smile on my face even when my heart was an open wound. i've relinquished that past side of me, and have become much more vulnerable with the every-day world in which i live. i humbly ask for prayers, i don't refrain from crying in church or with my co-workers or out to the Lord. so why, in my vulnerability, is my heart embittered towards learning?
granted, its been but a week. i don't think i had made any progress in the first week last year either. but there are days i don't cry. and not because i'm not sad, but because i can't feel. is this the protection of the Lord? it leaves me feeling bitter and impatient. and i refuse to let those seeds of the enemy take root anywhere near the fertile soil of my heart.
a self-assessment leaves me with more questions than answers; more baffled paradoxes than predictive history. but i think that's okay. at least, at this point still. it's kind of like when you are making a financial plan and budget. you've got to at least sort through your past few statements to get a n idea for where you're at, and what your likely spending faults and weaknesses are. it'seasier to avoid and to ignore it, but after you stare it in the teeth for a while and become self-aware, you're able to make the right steps.
i think a lot of where i was last year had to do with the forced stillness. it had to do with coming down off of an amazing and insanely busy 2009, and coming to a grinding halt. i was lamenting the loss of so much at once, that the Lord was really truly all I could put my hope in.
because of the sufferings and challenges that 2010 posed: the waiting, Haiti and all its lovely joy and challenges and struggles and growth, the waiting again--for a job, the already/not-yet conundrum of getting back into a relationship, albeit unofficially; i think the grieving and growing and stretching and strengthening had worn on me, that i wasn't as perky prior to this. and because of that, i think the bitterness is stemming.
its not pretty for me to look at. i can promise you that. but the joy of the Lord is my strength, and i can say with absolute certainty that He is the same yesterday (last year), today, and forever. i know that He will save me, and use me, and i will use this time to bring glory to Him.
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