didja catch it?

1 One day as Jesus was preaching on the shore of the Sea of Galilee,t great crowds pressed in on him to listen to the word of God. 2 He noticed two empty boats at the water’s edge, for the fishermen had left them and were washing their nets. 3 Stepping into one of the boats, Jesus asked Simon,t its owner, to push it out into the water. So he sat in the boat and taught the crowds from there.

4 When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Now go out where it is deeper, and let down your nets to catch some fish.”

5 “Master,” Simon replied, “we worked hard all last night and didn’t catch a thing. But if you say so, I’ll let the nets down again.”

one thing i look forward to every sunday morning is going to meet with the Lord at Village Chapel. how do i know He will show each week? because we carefully, and intentionally, read through the books of the Bible, as a church. there is no "7 steps to the better you," or "how to live a sin-free and debt-free lifestyle." it is simply, God's word being read and exposed; often being re-read and exposing new light to old, familiar text. this week was not the exception.

in our journey through Luke, today we looked at the beginning of the Christian church, as Jesus began to call the disciples. so many things stood out anew to me in these verses. usually, i'm simply dumbfounded that the Lord of Lords called fishermen to be his disciples. but what stood out most to me was that Jesus climbed into empty boats, and told the masters how to fish. this was their livelihood. they knew the tricks of the trade. their lack of catch wasn't because they were fooling around, drinking one too many brewski's in the back of the boat.

simon-peter told jesus, "listen. we've be doing this all night, and we haven't caught a thing." he's probably thinking, "who is he that thinks he can tell us how to fish?" i think that about jesus all the time, ashamedly so. the interesting part is that he follows it up with "but if you say so, we will do it again."

i have been here, at this stage in disgruntled obedience. i think i'm there right now. "if you say so, God. since you think you've got it all figured out..." Pastor Jim jokes that peter wouldn't open his mouth to insert his foot; rather, he would open it to just change feet. i can get an amen to that.

in simon-peter's disgruntled obedience, he still chose to follow the Lord's direction. and that is better than disobedience any day. because most of the time, our obedience is rewarded, and we know we have become better off.

how many times this week have i told God "i've been (doing this) all (night), and i've (caught) nothing." guilty. Lord, i've been praying for this for months, years now. you've told me to you're faithful to the end, but why haven't i seen any results yet?

fortunately, i've learned i also need to be quick to say, "but if you want me to, Lord, i will continue."

one of these days i'm going to reel-in the catch of the season. amen and amen.

***

interesting side-note: it says "when He had finished ... he said "now go."" furthermore, the Lord's timing is always perfect. it is right on time. not a minute too soon, not a minute too late. only once He speaks His will into action will we witness it prevail. i am so thankful that he has got that figured out, because i have a tendency to be early when i'm not needed, and late when i'm requested.

bridges

in his book, Christian Mission in the Modern World, Christian apologist John Stott so wonderfully put it:

"Conversion must not take the convert out of the world but rather send Him back into it, the same person in the same world, and yet a new person with new conviction as new standards. If Jesus' first command was 'come!', His second was 'go!', that is, we are to go back to the world out of which we have come, and go back as Christ's ambassadors."

I am humbled, and convicted, over this statement. Jesus never intended for us to find ourselves in the deepest revelation of His love, and then regard ourselves as higher than, or unable to relate to, the world He so graciously lifted us from. Jesus always stayed relevant; He related more to the poor and the sinners than He did to royalty and the well-read. He chose to hang out with tax collectors and make Himself available to adulterous whores rather than spend His time defending Himself or righteously leading the Pharisees. He chose fishermen as His disciples, not rabbis.

The revelation of this this morning absolutely ravages my heart. Coming back from Haiti, I felt so distant from even my close circle of friends; I felt strange and different after the transformation my heart had experienced after becoming so graciously and mercifully engulfed by His flame. At a loss for words to convey the journey I had been enduring, I turned inward; accepting that "they just didn't get it." and making no further motion to use my experience to make God's love relevant and relate to where others were.

The Lord led by example. He walked this earth to let us know that He could relate to us. He suspended His godliness and came as man to be tempted and tried and defeated: only to rise victorious over death and the enemy. In that, He created a bridge to link us to the Father, to close the gap that was once widen with sin. We are called to do the same; we are to be a bridge unto the Father. We are called to live in this world, different and changed, yet with a similar background and a story of how the Father has chosen us to become His beloved children.

Jesus, forgive me of my shortcomings and my self-righteousness. Use my life to bridge the world to you.

send me.

via www.realhopeforhaiti.org

So I Send You -Margaret Clarkson

So send I you to labor unrewarded,
To serve unpaid, unloved, unsought, unknown,
To bear rebuke, to suffer scorn and scoffing,
So send I you to toil for me alone.

So send I you – to loneliness and longing,
With heart a-hungering for the loved and known;
Forsaking home and kindred, friend and dear one,
So send I you – to know my love alone.

So send I you – to leave your life’s ambitions,
To die to dear desire, self-will resign,
To labor long and love where men revile you,
So send I you – to lose your life in mine.

heinz

God doesn't make you wait for ketchup.

although this isn't the moral of an aesop's fable, or a translation of an old Haitian proverb, it is certainly a reminder that if we are in the Lord's will, and are waiting on the fulfillment of His promises, that fulfillment will not be a bottle of heinz.

i prefer hunts, anyway.

counting.

reading through my old posts from haiti are ravaging my heart in all the most wonderful ways.

i'm witnessing myself, a different self, alive over scripture.

i'm seeing the joy through the heat and the diarrhea and the worms.

i'm feeling the passionate swell of joy in my heart as i reminisce over what the Lord has done in my life.

although it is impossible to live on yesterday's Manna, it is sometimes necessary to recount it so it always serves as a reminder of the Lord's victories in and through my life. after-all, as the old adage goes: count your blessings.

i choose you

"My choice is you, God; first and only.

and now I find I'm your choice!" -- Psalm 16:5 (The Message)

what great joy it is to find out that God chooses us. throughout all the scripture, you will find that the Lord chooses to love His people; even those that are highly unloveable (or disobedient, or dysfunctional, or just plain ragged) by our standards. from the beginning of time, God chose us, when He created us from dirt. He chose us, to be created in His image. my heart swells with excitement to know that beneath all the layers i put on, beneath all the erosion of my heart from pain and experience, the bruises on my knees that remind me how often i've fallen: I am created to reflect the Creator. because He is love, i have been created to reflect His love (both person and action).

i am humbled to think about the responsibility that God has laid upon each of us. i am also humbled by His grace in times i don't live up to that responsibility and fall short of reflecting His image. even still, in those wretched moments: God chooses us. and He loves us the same.

hearts desires

one day, i dream of white. of pure white. and lace. and a church with high ceilings and bare walls and exposed stained-lumber beams. of kneeling at the Cross, hand-in-hand and ring to finger.

of marrying a man that knows his life is blessed because i am in it. one that stares at me in public, and twirls me in our room. that holds my hand at dinner, in the car, or down the street.

one that gently cradles my heart when my world is falling and my salty face pressed into his shoulder. one that never hangs up the phone with out an 'i-love-you,' or walks out the door without a kiss.

i want to choke on my pasta because i'm laughing so hard, or pretend that we're young and play in the rain. believe that i can go that extra mile, only because he tells me I can.

when i look in the mirror, and see my hair cowlicked with grease and mascara down my cheeks, one who says, "you're beautiful". to have him grab my feet to rub them without asking, because he knows the day i had.

to be standing at the sink washing dishes, his arms wrapped around from behind. to eat ice cream in bed, or for breakfast, and to know it's okay every once in a while.

i want to honeymoon in Haiti. or backpack central america, or Paris. to show him the parts of my life before him, to share all of my heart with him.

i want to serve the world along side him. to see his purest love revealed. to grow in intimacy through the challenges and dirt and lack of comfort we've grown so accustomed to.

i dream of walking down the aisle, not seeing a soul but his. not caring if i chose yellow, or rose; as long as i leave with a new last name.

of marrying a man that fights for me, stands up for me, never lets me down, and sometimes lets me win. one that would die for me, eat goat with me, and leave a love note inside my shoe.

i hear us as we sing praises to the King; to the Lord, our God and Savior. hands held high, souls intwined, as our lives become as one. washing each others feet; leading with servitude and humility.

but right now, the Lord is that One, to whom I'm betrothed. wooing me, pursuing me, challenging me, fighting for me, comforting me. and in Him, He has chosen someone better than i could imagine. someone to take me to haiti, and to Paris; to get sick off of the 4th batch of cupcakes this week. to fight for me, and walk this life out with me. in these moments even, he is perfecting his heart. he is pursuing him and wooing him; because in Him, we will be found.

jesus knows best.

in a weeks of ups and mainly downs, saturday was somewhere along the economical line graph of the stock market crash of 1929. sunday was an attemptive bounce-back in which i managed to do church, target, and some light cleaning and spent the afternoon with some wonderful friends. however, sunday was hardly the black friday that brought me back out of the red.

needless to say, i was completely under-- scratch that, un-prepared for school yesterday. i went in to set up about 20 minutes early, but somehow jesus managed to deliver possibly one of the best school days yet.

for starters-- the kids were amazing. i had a surplus of hugs (heavenly-ordained), a well-paced schedule that still allowed me time to teach, and not just rush to get everything done that i had planned (which i've come to realize is expecting too much out of both them and myself). i have a team of angels that i work with, that are willing to help me out in a pinch, or in this case, a bear-trap. and in the chaos of it all, it never felt like chaos; it felt a lot more like peace.

i think the Lord knows just what we need. in my case, a day to properly grieve so i can get up and keep moving. he takes care of us, in the moment; and what we need for the one following. in letting it go, he taught me that sometimes, that's just all we need to do so that He can step in and do the work He's intended on completing.

one year later

the following is an excerpt from an entry i posted last january. part of me aches for the wisdom that i once wrote with; the other part, for the authority and faith that i so readily declared.

***

passing through woodmont, i pondered what i would do once i got home. catch up on my lack of sleep from last night? no, i have an early morning and could use my exhaustion like ambien tonight. blog? no, because writing comes from, and leads to, great thoughts. and great thoughts comes from, and lead to spiritual epiphanies. and spiritual epiphanies, well those... they come from pain. and i was feeling good today. i did not want to do anything at all that would remotely remind me that i should be, and likely was in denial about being, in pain.

immediately, that brought me to prayer; knowing that this is going to be a daily battle. this is going to, has got to, become a daily sacrifice. my contentment with the moment is just that. its not happiness. and its not secure and permanent. it'scontentment. mine. momentary.

God's word tells us in Luke (9:23) that we are to deny ourselves, to take up our cross daily and to follow Him. daily, i have to surrender all my fears, my burdens, my plans, even my contentment. i have to deny myself the satisfaction of trying to just get by or be happy. i have to bear my wounds, in all their vulnerable and unassuming glory. to put all my faith in the Lord, and regardless of my own selfish desire for contentment, happiness, or gosh, even just numbness, i have to trudge through the pain, following Jesus and trusting that in Him my confidence can be found. in Him, my faith finds meaning and is met with a response. in Him, my faith becomes more than just empty words. it becomes a walk, a mimicked example of how we should live like Christ and seek the Lord.

self-assessment 2.0

or maybe, God trusts the work He's done in me.

maybe, He's grown me so i'm no longer in the infancy of last year, and He knows i can carry more weight. so instead of the coddling and wooing that got me where i needed to be last year, He's saying "okay. now it's time for battle. get up. you've been trained for this."

maybe, just maybe...

self-assessment

i'm going to be shamefully honest, and quite honestly embarrassed.

this time last year, i was experiencing the same wretched heartache, for all the same reasons. all of that to say, the amount of growth i concurrently experienced far outnumbered any sense of pain or suffering that was encompassing my life.

ironically, i feel like where i am at with the Lord, after quite possibly my first year of consistent after-His-face seeking, is far more numbed and distant than i was at this point last year. i'm left astonished-- after all the growth and intimacy of this year, when suffering hits, why am i not able to face plant my tear-stained face in the lap of the Lord and sit anxiously at His feet, waiting for each teachable moment to arise, like i did last year?

am i not really where i think and say i am with Him? am i numbed from being here before and remembering what an up-hill battle i've got ahead of me? am i distracted because i'm employed and involved, unlike the waiting-stages of last year? have i secretly and quietly hid away my heart and am refusing to allow the Lord to work in it?

to be honest, i don't really have any idea, and that terrifies me. i used to be the type of person that pretended to have it all together-- to have a plan, to make it work, to force a smile on my face even when my heart was an open wound. i've relinquished that past side of me, and have become much more vulnerable with the every-day world in which i live. i humbly ask for prayers, i don't refrain from crying in church or with my co-workers or out to the Lord. so why, in my vulnerability, is my heart embittered towards learning?

granted, its been but a week. i don't think i had made any progress in the first week last year either. but there are days i don't cry. and not because i'm not sad, but because i can't feel. is this the protection of the Lord? it leaves me feeling bitter and impatient. and i refuse to let those seeds of the enemy take root anywhere near the fertile soil of my heart.

a self-assessment leaves me with more questions than answers; more baffled paradoxes than predictive history. but i think that's okay. at least, at this point still. it's kind of like when you are making a financial plan and budget. you've got to at least sort through your past few statements to get a n idea for where you're at, and what your likely spending faults and weaknesses are. it'seasier to avoid and to ignore it, but after you stare it in the teeth for a while and become self-aware, you're able to make the right steps.

i think a lot of where i was last year had to do with the forced stillness. it had to do with coming down off of an amazing and insanely busy 2009, and coming to a grinding halt. i was lamenting the loss of so much at once, that the Lord was really truly all I could put my hope in.

because of the sufferings and challenges that 2010 posed: the waiting, Haiti and all its lovely joy and challenges and struggles and growth, the waiting again--for a job, the already/not-yet conundrum of getting back into a relationship, albeit unofficially; i think the grieving and growing and stretching and strengthening had worn on me, that i wasn't as perky prior to this. and because of that, i think the bitterness is stemming.

its not pretty for me to look at. i can promise you that. but the joy of the Lord is my strength, and i can say with absolute certainty that He is the same yesterday (last year), today, and forever. i know that He will save me, and use me, and i will use this time to bring glory to Him.

newsflash for my ego

it is not about me.

sitting on the cold, porcelain tub with the water running all around me, i realized that the pain and suffering we endure, quite often (if not always), is not about us.

it's about bringing God the glory. it's about how we live in times when our circumstances may seem less than ideal, when our hearts may seem far from intact. it's about accepting grace and comfort from the Father, not about the pain we feel. and sometimes, it might not even be about us growing. because, quite frankly, it isn't about us.

i'm struggling to remind myself that this is not about me, in so many ways. i know it's not about what i did or didn't do; how i could change myself or another. it's not about me experiencing comfort and love; and to be quite honest, it's not even about God choosing to release his peace and comfort to me.

i was reminded again last night of Romans 11 -- all things are from Him, to Him, and through Him, for His glory. i needed that. a fresh reminder that this, that all of this, is for His glory. even the pain. even the heartache. even the moments of distrust, doubt, and faithlessness that our sinful flesh won't cease to lay hold of. all of it--for Him.

cite soleil

this video on the good things that are happening and changing lives for the haitian people in cite soleil, spurs on hope that through love and laughter we can change the world. this video will help you understand haiti. if you've got 28 minutes, and need a reason to smile, check it out.

http://www.vimeo.com/15065164

little miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

sugarland and matt nathanson are not only collaborating on tour together, but together have consipired to find the secret code to unlock my tear ducts today.

it's alright it's alright it's alright

yeah, sometimes you gotta lose til you win

it's alright it's alright it's alright

it'll be alright again

i'm okaaaaaay.

it'll be alright again.

pitypartyofme

as i see the lives of everyone i know unfolding and taking off faster than Haiti's previous president to exile, i silently lament the loss of my own plans and dreams.

and God whispers,"but I know the plans I have for you."

those are plans to prosper me and give me hope and a future. my dear Haitian friend at work, Lucita explained to me (in Creole, btw) that God was just "rearranging" my life for me. that He knows and sees all, even when my vision is blurred by the bling flying by my left and my right. i liked her explanation (or maybe my misguided interpretation) of the Lord "rearranging" somethings in my life so His plans and purposes pan out. i imagine that in my life, its like a few rows of tetris, in which i've gotten a few too many of the S and L shaped cubes, and the Lord is able to reverse the extra spaces in each line, so that he can properly pack as much of His will into my life as physically possible. we just have to trust that if God is the creator and sustainer and ordainer of all things, that He is also, indeed the great Tetris champ. He will trump me every time.

learning to trust. again and again. takes time, and pain, and trust. odd that you must trust in order to learn how.

if i had the spiritual discipline of beth moore, the unending funds of oprah, the insight of jesus himself, and a knack for coffee and strict deadlines, i'd write a devotional on Romans. i think Romans might be one of the most chopped-full-of-goodness books of the Bible. Paul is writing to a group of people he adored, that were like-faithed, and actually not being chastized (i mean, Paul is the man and all, but sometimes, he comes off a leeeeetle bit cocky. hey, he's sort of got the authority to. more power to him; quite literally.) i digress to say, i imagine that if paul ever thought, ever wanted a book to be published regarding his teachings on Christ, it would be this one. one written to those most near-and-dear to his own heart.

which makes me look at it in light of my own dear friends. dear friends that are praying for me and walking through this life with me, carrying me at times. dear girlfriends that came over for a new bible study we're starting. i'm reminded of the latter verses of Romans, in which Paul calls to his loved church to "rejoice with those who rejoice; and weep with those who weep." (Rom. 12:15), and enjoining those "who are strong, ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength." learning each others' weaknesses tonight reminded me that not only are we not alone in our struggles, but we are to be in this thing together. what gets us caught up, be it sin, or challenges, or passions, should cause our friends to fight or embrace that with us.

in a life thats unfortunately filled with a lot of letting things go, it was a humbling, encouraging reminder that i indeed have been blessed with people willing to stand up and fight with me. that breaks my spirit with gratitude, and for the first time today, reduces my numbed, emotionless body to tears.

thank you jesus for your many blessings.

bearing each others' weaknesses and rejoicing for victories and strengths,

xoxo

i'm not who i was

i just got lost in my blog from haiti and was totally reminded that i need to get that printed into a coffee table book stat. and also reminded that i need to keep writing. and keep seeking. and keep spending time in the word. i found myself jealous over my connection with scripture; almost found myself forgetting that i was the one that wrote it in the first place. humility, party of me. however, i do love that the Lord can use our past to renew us for the future. see, its not just that seedy little devil that gets to use our past to torture us and shame us, nuh-uh! God can remind us of His victories and use them to encourage us for the new victories to come! :)

okay, i'm certain i've reached my blog quota for the week. i'm sorry i got a little over-zealous all at once!

be blessed.

prayer through their eyes

this was lifted from the Livesay family blog at www.livesayhaiti.blogspot.com but it was far to good that it couldn't go without reposting. if we only had the eyes of little children, what we might be able to do for our world.

Hello Daddy!

We want to know you.

And be close to you.

Please show us how.

Make everything in the world right again.

And in our hearts, too.

Do what is best - just like you do in heaven,

And please do it down here, too.

Please give us everything we need today.

Forgive us just as we forgive other people

when they hurt us.

Rescue us! We need you.

We don't want to keep running away

and hiding from you.

Keep us safe from our enemies.

You're strong, God.

You can do whatever you want.

You are in charge.

Now and forever and for always!

We think you're great!

Amen!

Yes we do!

(The Lord's Prayer from Matthew 6 as paraphrased on page 226 of the JSB)

We love the Jesus Storybook Bible, our kids love it too. Check it out if you can.

" ... Jesus taught people to pray. He said, "When you pray, don't pray like those Extra-Super-Holy- People. They think if they say lots of words, God will hear them. But it's not because you're so clever. or good, or so important, that God will listen to you. God listens to you because he loves you. " (pg 224)

a word on suffering

Christ came to suffer, to die, so that He may be glorified.

interesting to think that we, too, are often only glorified after being through the refiner's fire.

chew on that. get depressed, and then thankfully rejoice that at least in our battles and devastation, we are brought into glory.

my wretched heart

all bruised and bound;

declared it loss,

but gain i've found.

a paradox of flesh and mind

revealed to us in your own time.

reluctantly,

i held it out.

concealed my shame

and hid my doubt.

with your grace as a rising spring,

your mercy seeps 'neath the bubbling.

and who am I

that you would save?

defeat the beast

destroy the grave?

what do i have to offer you?

a broken heart, a faith unglued.

it is your love

ushers forth repair

deep healing of

nights dark despair.

and in the dawn, my chains are free.

my Christ has sealed this victory.

it doesn't feel like a new chapter.

it doesn't read like a familiar tale.

it's nither the beginning, nor the end.

it's not a static stillness.

it's not a dynamic flow.

it's half-cyclical; half linear.

crossing neither time nor space.

yet, encompassing the two.

your love for us is never over.

never under.

never through.

***

i didn't even know what i was writing until the last three lines. proof the holy spirit works through us according to HIS will, not our own.

4:52

the sound of silence.

for a minute, i sat in silence. i spoke not a word, i heard not a sound. i reflected on that same minute, just a year earlier.

4:53.

my sixty-seconds of silence was void of the shrieks and screams and shouts for a Savior. the air was clear of dust and debris and a devastating stench of death. my minute was unfilled with the sounds of tearing concrete and bending re-barb. in my silence was safety, comfort.

part of me feels guilty about not being in haiti on that day that the earth opened up and swallowed the lives of 230,000 haitians, injuring hundreds of thousands, displacing a population larger than the entire Nashville metro area (1.3+ million), and no doubt leaving each of the remaining 10 million citizens in fear and pain, grief-stricken and desperate. part of me wonders why not here? why not me?

i'll be honest. i don't watch the news. i was nannying for a family that didn't even have a t.v. in their home when the earthquake hit. i vaguely remember hearing about it; and it took a week before the gravity of what occurred really sank in. by then, the (and i say this quite insensitively, i know. forgive me.) "novelty" of it wore off. the stories of survival become fewer and more rare, yet also more miraculous. but unfortunately, my lack of knowledge and proximity didn't leave me feeling very connected to their tragedy.

that was, until february 6th. finding myself at a place of stillness in the wilderness, i felt God speak to my heart. Haiti. go. teach. they need you. "wow" i thought to myself. could i really?

long story short, i did. i researched, got applications in, sent out support letters, raised the finances, bought a one-way ticket, and left; all within three weeks time. because of the devastations, my flight was cancelled, and re-scheduled for a week later, so i was on the ground in just about a month.

i could never convey to you what i saw. to be honest, i'm not certain it looked any better before the earthquake either. i could sit here and tell you about the horrific living conditions and the pain that entrenched their communities all day long, but it would never mean a thing to you. how do i know? because it didn't mean a thing to me, either. not until i saw it. not until i lived it. not until i experienced the heavy-heartedness of a culture bearing a burden of severe loss. conversely, never have i experienced such a rich, ripe, authentic joy in the Lord from a community that had nothing tangible to lay claim to.

to this day, i have a jaded view of the earthquake. i will never know the searing pain of losing a family member, a school-mate, a neighbor, a body part-- all at once. and i feel guilty for that. i will never know the pain their hearts must visit daily. the nightmares the children must have or the terror that jolts them out of bed when a helicopter rumbles above, sparking memories of the sounds the of the earthquaking. i will never know that type of fear, and part of me knows i can never fully understand their heartbreak, which only further cements my efforts to try. maybe it also allows me to naively believe i can fix it. but even maybe is worth a shot.

to me, i will always selfishly view the earthquake as a springboard to new life. as i concluded a short season in the wilderness, i began a walk through a new wilderness. i learned the purity of joy in Christ. i learned to love Him and rely on Him and trust Him and leave myself at His mercy, continually and consistently. He breathed new life into my walk with Him. i quickly found that even as close as i had gotten to Him over the years, that i needed to draw closer still. i experienced the outpouring of His love and glory in ways i couldn't describe; nor would you believe me if i could find the words to match them.

once i admit my selfishness over haiti, i can move beyond myself and acknowledge the power of the presence of the Lord in that nation. void of everything else: laptops iphones and internet at our fingertips, electric and a/c and ice cubes, reliable transportation and reliable roads and safety among both; i witnessed this nation call out for Jesus. you see, they get it. they know they need the Lord. they know it was at His mercy that they survived. seeing pictures of the crusades and solemn processionals that took place at mass grave sites today, we know that they get it. there hope can not be in anything but the Lord; they've been stripped of it all. they remember that day in a way, Lord willing, that we never will be able to.

the work is not complete. the nation is still deep-seeded in voodoo. violence and rape and theft and corruption still run the country. but when the earth shook, God got their attention ....

... and He got ours. Haiti needed to be noticed. even before the devastation, knowing that the unemployment rate is 80% (not because they are lazy, but there is no work. there is no money to be paid for the work. there is no money to buy the goods to create work.); knowing that roughly half of the elementary-age children attend school, and of those, only about 60% will complete it; knowing that just half the population is literate; these are all things that greatly need to be addressed.

with roughly 1.3 million internally displaced (left homeless) after the earthquake, and living in temporary tent shacks, with thousands dying from a treatable and fully preventable waterborne disease, with many children orphaned or left as a restavek (sold by their parents; not always out of creulty, but as a hope for a better life of provision), our eyes have been turned to a nation that needs the help of those able to give. they need jesus. and this is opportunity has been created for us to be jesus to the nations.

God is glorified when we obey. when we serve. when we give what we can. when we walk in trust of His faithfulness, not in fear of the unforeseen. He is glorified when we chose to walk outside of our comfort zones and embrace the unfamiliar: a culture, a skin-color, a life of poverty; a prayer, a commitment, a financial support, a career change.

What matters most is that on both sides of the fault line, that God receives the glory.

because as that minute hand moved from 4:52, that fault line became reality, and what matters is not how the ground shifted, but how our hearts were moved and if our eyes locked with His.

sponge

i am a sponge.

i have many pores, in which i soak up, transport, and release. emotions, memories, freeze-frame moments from my soul.

i absorb culture and environment and relationship quickly. i soak up twice my own weight. i hold tight, but everything i have been dipped in oozes out of each orifice.

it is hard to rinse me clean. to let neutral permeate through each interstice, until the water runs colorless again.

every new dip will be tainted by the soakings of the past; never fully independent of antecedent absorptions.

afterall, i am a sponge.

still to fill

silence. not a page turn, not a cell phone ring. in that dated, yet beautiful chapel, eyes closed, you would have never guessed you were sitting amongst a few hundred. all that echoed off the rustic wood and cathedral ceilings was the hum of the projector and the overwhelming sensation of the Lord's presence being ushered into the room to fill our lack. a still, still silence.

Lord, let my heart become as beautiful as that church: the venue, the body. fill it with your presence in the moments i sit still and wait. allow me patience enough with myself to be silent. i want to breathe you; feel your spirit rise with each inhale, letting go of the chafe with each exhaling sigh. dwell among us, make my heart your eternal home.

see what a failure resolutions can be?! yesterday was day two and i already missed my blog opportunity.

i don't, however, count it all a loss... i did still write. using the clever little app, evernote on my iphone, i jotted a few thoughts down as i prayed at last night's service at TVC. and during the guest sermon, i employed my most-often used app (i digress; aside from facebook and twitter) The Bible via YouVersion. i am obsessed with that app, and its handy little features: such as daily reading plans and the new notes you can tag along to a verse!

if you have a smart phone, these two apps, especially YouVersion, are MUST haves. and guess what? they're free!

back to the point: i think the important part is that i write daily, not that i make you read my inner musings daily. but incase you would like to subject yourselves to such torture, a few thoughts from yesterday:

*as i thought about what it is to be a christian, and how i would be able to respond to a question an unbeliever might have or a concern when asked to pray for something, i thought woah. i am way under-qualified. i don't have the answer for that. but the Lord reminded me that it's not about having all the right answers. it's about knowing who does. and knowing I can come before Him and trust that He will provide them for me, or i can seek out what He says about it in scripture. while Jesus teaches us in His response to the devil as He is tempted in the wilderness that it is best to know scripture so that we always have a response when confronted with something that contradicts it, sometimes we have to know we have the resources on hand and can always humbly say "ya know, i don't know. but i'd be willing to see what the Bible says, and get back to you about that."

*rest is something we receive. it must come from Christ alone. if we seek to serve ourselves, we becomes selfish and exhausted, because we always want to do our best, be our best, out-do ourselves, etc. but when we lay all that aside, and serve Christ, we become renewed. i love this paradox of faith.

*yep. forgot the third point. proof that you only remember 50% of what you see and hear. (and i'll say 10% what you think; but i don't think i read or heard that anywhere) :)

new years revolution

let's be real. new years resolutions are quite typically over-rated and under-delivered. i'm just as guilty of watching mine go unresolved as the next person.

however, this year, i will take a new approach to new years resolutions. i instead will enlist my heart in a new year's revolution.

the dictionary defines revolution as: a dramatic and wide-reaching change in the way something works or is organized or in people's ideas about it. i want to revolutionize the way i think, act, and speak. more importantly, this is not something i seek to do on my own, nor could i even achieve a heart-revolution on my own. it is something that i must fully walk in Christ to see it achieved in my life, and fully rely on Him to both begin and maintain this change. unlike resolutions that are marked by their completion, a revolution is marked by notable change, but is often always a work in process.

walk with me in this revolution. challenge me. help to keep me accountable. and i challenge you to not only make new years resolutions to better your resume; but a new years revolution to deepen your relationship and reliance on the King of Kings.

***

okay, i'm not completely above resolutions. in fact, i think working on strengthening our weaknesses, or even our strengths, is a good annual investment. this year, i want to become a better writer, and will strive to blog once a day, for every day of the year! even if it's just a quick reflection on a moment or a longer discourse on an epiphany. today, i'm 1 for 1! :)