you are what you ...

some people are emotional eaters.

on occasion, i, too, can be one of those people.

however, i'm typically an emotional cooker.

that's right. when i need to blow off some steam, i do it via boiling water.

you see what i did there...? aha. yes.

last sunday, i had two, possibly three meltdowns. and voila! ghiradelli double fudge brownies with caramel, and an entire weeks supply of homemade chicken pot pie.

yesterday, i was feeling refreshingly domestic after my saturday morning gym/house hunting/grocery shopping/laundry, so in celebration: i whipped up some homemade guac and salsa! olé! my contentment with the first two dishes, my productive morning, and my great finds at the grocery lead me to creating such a delicious meal that i actually felt satisfied and not guilty after eating it. (anyone trying to eat healthy knows that a ziploc full of baby carrots is not NEARLY as satisfying as one of peanut M&M's. i'm just saying).

so i whipped up this baby:

baby meaning: arugula blend salad tossed with a light champagne vinaigrette, strawberries and pistachios. served with two turkey BLT's [trader joe's uncured, apple-wood smoked, peppered turkey bacon; sliced granny smith apples, a slice of strawberry, lightly dressed arugula (with that heaven-tasting champagne vinaigrette!), and topped with a generous spoonful of homemade guac!].

it seriously doesn't get any better than this!

<------- pendulum swing -------->

and then there's today. after a seemingly good morning at church, photo editing, salsa and guac-ing, i went to look at another house (i'm moving; if you didn't get the memo, check the craigslisting here). location was great. yard (front and back) was super desirable. carpeted bathrooms and the size of the kitchen - i would rather not. but hey, you get what you get. the sweet old man (hippy or redneck? the rubber-banded beard didn't really tell) was a gem of a landlord, and very honest and straight forward. did i like it? yes. do i want to move? not one bit.

for starters, there's this thing called: i live in the best location, with the best roommates, in the best condo, with the best rent ever. i've been blessed with such a situation that i've grown accustomed to this "spoiled" lifestyle. i'm less than a mile to my gym or to my church in either way. just over a mile to some of my best girl friends' house. i've got 3 grocery stores within that same mile radius. i'm half a mile to the interstate, and my 25 minute, all-interstate commute to work is my saving grace for each morning. i pay less for rent and utilities that most people would pay for a cardboard box in this area. and if you've ever seen this condo, you know that we are truly spoiled with the 2600 square feet spreading over 3.5 levels that really gives us our own space. it is super hard to give all that up.

and super scary.

enter back into the story of house hunting today: and i like the place; but i can't commit. I don't have a roommate. and i've been trying desperately to find one (i.e. that Craigslist ad, multiple facebook and twitter posts, joining a semi-creepy "Newborhood" site in hopes of scoping our roomie prospects). i thank him for his time, and i go on my way.

pulling out of the driveway, he comes out and says he has another property that he thinks i might be interested in. in my old neighborhood (in which i LOVED as equally as this one).

it's a 2/1, about 900 sq ft, and the stack washer/dryer stands in the kitchen where a pantry would be nice. my dining room table won't feet, and i'll be lucky if i can get a dresser in along with my bed, sabby's cage, and a small night stand. the living room is, ... ummm ... cozy (that's what craigslister's say when they want to dress up the word "small"). but it is cozy. it's actually cute. for a 900 ft duplex. its on a quiet street in a safe neighborhood, and the rent is $1000 (which is just about going rate for that size of a place in green hills). "it's gunna go fast, so let me know soon if you want it," he says as i get in my car.

if only it were that simple.

i do want it.

i want this house-hunting to be over with.

i want a roommate. or at least i want cheaper rent because i live with a roommate.

i want a space to decorate as my own.

i get home and begin crunching numbers. i'm currently paying my rent on the 20th of the month it covers (that's when i get my whopping one paycheck a month). so with the same pay check, i would be paying this months rent here ($) plus the pet deposit ($) security deposit ($$) and first months rent ($$$) there. without a roommate, we're talking right around $2400. which leaves me precisely enough money for the month to by one box of ramen and allow all of my other bills to go past-due. with a roommate, it puts me right about $1600, which would leave me with enough money to pay most of my bills, but not account for groceries, food, or gas. then there's utilities that have to go into my name... ugh.

with all the number crunching and spreading and trying to figure out how to work this, i write on my scratch sheet: "Jesus. miracle." because truly, that is the only way this is going to work. that, and crashing on a couch until my May 20th paycheck and moving in with a roommate, which does look swing-able, even if not comfortable.

then there's always the option to crash an entire month of may (fun for NO one, i know), and head home to Florida just after memorial day and spend June rent free in my daddy's empty house.

but that option puts people out for a month, and leaves me feeling homeless and living out of a suitcase.

then there's the chance our place doesn't rent by May 1, and we get to stay. which is phenomenal if that works that way. but i can't plan for that and have it not happen. which is why i'm being proactive and looking now.

all of this to say, i made:

• fried plantains
• beer-battered tempura chicken for tacos (subsequently forgot to fry the tortillas, so i just ate chicken)
• a spicy avocado sauce

and then watched the notebook.

its been that sort of day.

so friends, i ask for your prayers for this living situation. i know that God has it under control. I know that He can open doors that I can't, find roommates I don't know existed, create friendships for even just a season that are life-giving, and materialize funds in my bank account via random requests for a baby-sitter (i'm open good friday and the two days after memorial day, btw). if He provides a place here through May, I'm going to Florida in June. if we have to move by May 1, He'll provide a roommate, a mid-May move-in (so I can get paid first), and a place to crash in the meantime. (the complexities are an entire different post; one which i don't have the strength to write right now). consider this: intermission.