right now? but the brownies are in the oven. i only have 9 minutes....
yes, right now. that's enough time. I have something to show you.
but my phone... it's dead.
so what? you've got a hard-copy of the Bible.
i closed my computer and headed downstairs. picking up that bulky, binding-broken book reminded me it had been a while. as convenient as it has been to have my iphone bible-ready at all times, there is just something about thumbing through the pages until you land right where the Lord has directed you.
okay God. I don't even know what to read; something new-testament? i thought as i opened up my Bible. as i felt Him say Psalms, the first page i opened to was Psalm 37. okay, maybe He does have something to say.
37:3 trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.
a call to trust in God is something that i both need daily, and look over daily. how quick are we to forget, to doubt, to grant the enemy too much reign when we do not trust in the eternal faithfulness of the Lord? even when i think i am trusting Him, when i proclaim and believe it, my mind's second-nature to try to come up with a back-up plan is already five steps ahead of my handing it over completely to Him.
cultivate faithfulness? you mean, its not going to grow on its own? i have to work at it? honest-to-goodness, this is fresh manna to me. what does this even mean, to cultivate faithfulness? other versions regard this verse as dwelling in the land under his secure promise; fulfillment of plenty; or confidence in His ability to feed us. i don't have credentials enough to credibly interpret this; but these lines got me thinking.
37:4 delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.
in an attempt to be as transparent with you (and myself, really) as possible, i've been struggling with this word "delight" lately. or any word in the realm of happiness, enjoyment, pleasure, joy, ... you get the picture. i'm a bah-humbug, old grouch as of late, and i would be lying if i said i didn't know that and haven't been trying everything in my own power to turn all of that on its head and back into where i used to be, where i feel i should be. i recognize it; i get it. but for some reason, the fog won't lift, and i'm really struggling to get through it. twice today i've shared this; each through a fair stream of salty tears. the thing is, i know all this verse to be true. i don't disbelieve it; heck, i don't even doubt it. i have been smack-dab in the middle of its fulfillment before, and i certainly expect to see that day come again (dear Lord please before the rapture!). but even when i try my hardest to find joy in the Lord, or anything for that matter, i come up anemic and fatigued.
but one thing at the root of my dis-delight, is the un-fulfillment of the desires of my heart. good, Godly, Kingdom-of-Heaven-impacting desires even. there are so many things i desire so badly , and for some reason, the tick of my biological clock has become increasingly loud, and is buzzing in my ears as a constant reminder that i am single, i'm not a mom, i don't own my own place, i haven't been back to haiti yet, i'm rounding the hill of my prime, ... you name it.
so, conviction starts to ring a little louder than that silly clock as I am reminded that the fulfillment of even Godly desires will not bring us irrevocable joy if we do not find ourselves first enthralled in delight of God's presence. a little reminder that God is far more than the sum of His gifts.
37:5 Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him. and He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice to the noonday. Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.
bingo. ching-ching. woot whoot. holler. money shot. grand slam. touchdown. bon bagay!!!
i don't even know how to express to you how much i need to read this. and even how much more it showed me that the Lord of Lord, the King of Kings, the Creator of the universe!!!!! is that in-tune to the small, minute details of our lives. that He so desires to lavish us with His love, to comfort us in times of grief or heartache, and to speak truth into our hearts. God took this time out of my brownie making to sit me down and tell me: Just stick this out with me. You've gotta trust me on this one. I'm gunna get you through this. I'll reward your righteousness. Find rest in me, and be patient. I'm working. I love you.
my knees are weakened in a way they haven't been in a long time. my heart beats faint as it flutters after feeling the renewal of God's love poured over the crevices of loneliness, bitterness, hard-heartedness, impatience. He's carefully handling the areas that have been stripped of their joy; regarding my life, my very heart, as a precious concern of His. He's wooing me, romanticizing me, reminding me that He is faithful. that He will never fail. that even in my seasons of struggle and doubt, He is ever-present, and never to far to know exactly what my heart needs.
No comments:
Post a Comment