have faith, or have patience?

okay, i couldn't just leave a story unfinished like that. as exhausted as i am, it would haunt my brain and not allow my sleepy body to get any rest tonight.

so all of that to say: (meaning, the previous post)

i struggle to find a balance between knowing that God has it all under control, and not being pro-active. i will color code this to make it easier (for me, not for you. although, you might thank me for the color codes).

God has this under control. (black. as in black in white. as in truth. you follow?)

i don't have the money to move May 1 (also black/fact).

God does. (fact. yet, idealist; so we'll go with ... grey).

okay, maybe this color code thing didn't work out so well. but do you know what i mean? Do you ever put something in His hands, but know that you have to be real and know that life doesn't always work out like you think it should?

part of me struggles with this apartment situation. would committing in faith to putting a deposit down (i have exactly enough for the security deposit right now; albeit, i can't spend a dime on anything else until I get paid next week) be foolish? would it be stepping out in faith and saying "I trust God to bring me a roommate," or would it be saying "I don't trust God to provide a better situation, so I don't want this one to pass me up"? do you see where i'm going?

or should i wait and say "i know God will take care of this," and not move forward on this place, and then not be able to find one later, or run into just as many problems because i'll be in Florida for a month and then coming back to house hunt with no where to stay in the meantime.

what i'm struggling with is where the action is required. on the front end, or on the waiting end? what am i more scared about? not finding a roommate? not having a place to live for the month of May and having to inconvenience others by staying with them? not having enough money for rent, or for the other expenses that month? what am i not trusting God with?

i dont want to put the deposit down, and when it comes time to move in May 20th, not have a roommate or the funds to move in by myself. i don't want to not put the deposit down and miss out on this if this is what God has for me, including that act of faith.

i took a walk with sebastian earlier trying to figure this out. i'll admit, i couldn't stop the tears from flowing. i hate not knowing. i feel so foolish, thinking about what i'll be thinking two months from now, in my new apartment. see, it worked out just fine. you knew all along the Lord wouldn't let you down. but it is SO HARD; knowing that now and knowing what to do with it, verses knowing that in hindsight.

i asked God to speak to me on my walk; to meet me there, because I just don't know what i'm going to do. i felt Him speak to my heart:

have I ever left you? no, i responded. do you think I'd leave you now? no. i know better.

see that property over there; there used to be a wall around it. they've torn it down. see the tulips. they are beautiful aren't they?

ummm... yes God. they did tear it down, didn't they? i didn't notice that. and the tulips, they are quite nice.... but... we're talking about roommates, aren't we?

to be honest, i still have no idea why He pointed out those tulips or the missing wall. crossing the mainstreet back over to our complex, i thought it might have something to do with this wall i can't see behind right now; and how something so simple, yet so beautiful lies behind it. and once that wall is down, all the passerby's can see the beauty of the tulips. is that wall my faith? my lack of faith? is it the unknown? the unpredictable? is it what is cutting me off from seeing the full beauty of the Lord?

faith or patience?

sweet jesus, please reveal your will to me.