embers

its hard to pinpoint. i can't tell you what exactly it is i miss about haiti; but whatever it is is strong enough to keep my heart so longingly attached, my subconscious even arriving there in my dreams.

reading over some of my old blog entries yesterday made my heart flutter with fond memories of my time spent there. its funny how a short 4 months, less than 1/75th of my life, truly altered it that much.

so it wasn't the heat. the unpredictable electric. or the sweat from the aforementioned that i missed. it wasn't the tropical illnesses or the 10 days of diarrhea or the 10 pounds gained from sticky, white rice and heavy bean sauce. it certainly wasn't the lack of green vegetables, privacy, or early mornings. so what could it be?

when you miss someone, you usually miss what they offer you. you miss having them around. you miss the joy that they bring, how they enrich your every day. but missing a place? there must be more.

thats because it is more. the place, the memories involved can't be pinpointed. the whole, every minute detail of it, was inscribed by God. each person i interacted with: missionary, teacher, local, child. each new sight and smell: montrouis. the fort. the market place. each whisper from the Lord: in my heart. in the sky. through discipline even. every relationship, every step, every moment in which i was fully reliant on Him alone. all of it has been packaged up in this very complex idea that has been forever engrained on my heart and burned into the back of my eyelids, so much as to keep me from forgetting about haiti even in my dreams.

i'm fully aware that going back would be, will be, different. it won't be the same, it will no longer be "new". the faces will change, the dynamic will be unknown, and i honestly can't say that i will be positioned to learn and grow in the same ways i was last year. am i longing for something that no longer exists? perhaps. will i be disappointed to realize that? quite likely. but there is something there, something deeper than the food and the culture and even the kingdom relationships previously built. there is the draw and call of the Lord, that has set my heart ablaze for this nation, and that fire can not be reduced to mere embers. He is blowing on the kindling, He is responsible for renewing that passion, even from afar. and until my feet are once again left dry and dirty from the leached, dusty soil, i will trust Him to do just that.

last easter sunday communion service in the prayer room at YWAM St. Marc

picture taken by/belonging to jasen chung