what are you wearing?

their pride was written, literally, across their chests.

RSE. smyrna. #62. tennessee titans. nashville predators. color combinations to be recognized by others belonging to the same tribe. a symbol that they belonged to something, were a part of something, larger than themselves. as far as history dates, a personal demarcation designating allegiance or subscription to a team, belief, idea.

as christians, we wear our allegiance front and center for all to see, too. although it may not take shape in the form of a church tee or a name badge, it is represented publicly through our words and our actions. we must be mindful that what we represent is true of the nature of Christ, and not bringing him bad publicity. because no one wants to be part of a losing team.

there are times i seriously doubt that Christ's love is showing through the words i'm speaking (or often times, the words i'm choosing to sit silent behind). friends (rhiannon; because i am talking to myself here, too), challenge yourself to change the world. to start, change your world. change how you respond, how you act. what you might talk about or how you might say something. start with changing your thoughts. center them around bringing glory to the Lord, and in turn, you will see your words and actions begin to match. you will begin to operate out of love for God, in the love of God.

as of recently, i feel as if the Lord has been laying a heavier conviction on my heart for this part of life. its not about making sinful choices, or living a life of sin and destruction. its about choosing to take the high road, about giving generously of my time and resources. it's about not having to be recognized or receive the credit when i've done something that's gone unnoticed. it can be something as simple as choosing encouragement over making a joke of someone; speaking truth and life into someones life rather than making a mockery behind it.

what would we as christians look like, if we chose to put on love daily, rather than putting on our cloak of self-absorbtion? what would we look like if we wore grace and forgiveness instead of bitterness and resentment? how much further would we go if we walked in encouragement and affirmations and exhortations, rather than adding to the nagging joke at someone else's expense?

these hands are just as dirty as the next sinners. my repentant heart goes to the cross and sees what he has done for us, and is broken in knowing we are just that: a broken people. without him, we are hopeless. but as Paul says in Ephesians, "in Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished on us." there is an eternal hope. not in that we can do better or be better Christians, but that through his redemption, we can learn grace and forgiveness. and if we practice with others as jesus practiced with us, what a world of difference it would make! if only we could begin to lavish grace and forgiveness and love upon others, we would begin to look more and more like Christ!

so, what are you wearing?

embers

its hard to pinpoint. i can't tell you what exactly it is i miss about haiti; but whatever it is is strong enough to keep my heart so longingly attached, my subconscious even arriving there in my dreams.

reading over some of my old blog entries yesterday made my heart flutter with fond memories of my time spent there. its funny how a short 4 months, less than 1/75th of my life, truly altered it that much.

so it wasn't the heat. the unpredictable electric. or the sweat from the aforementioned that i missed. it wasn't the tropical illnesses or the 10 days of diarrhea or the 10 pounds gained from sticky, white rice and heavy bean sauce. it certainly wasn't the lack of green vegetables, privacy, or early mornings. so what could it be?

when you miss someone, you usually miss what they offer you. you miss having them around. you miss the joy that they bring, how they enrich your every day. but missing a place? there must be more.

thats because it is more. the place, the memories involved can't be pinpointed. the whole, every minute detail of it, was inscribed by God. each person i interacted with: missionary, teacher, local, child. each new sight and smell: montrouis. the fort. the market place. each whisper from the Lord: in my heart. in the sky. through discipline even. every relationship, every step, every moment in which i was fully reliant on Him alone. all of it has been packaged up in this very complex idea that has been forever engrained on my heart and burned into the back of my eyelids, so much as to keep me from forgetting about haiti even in my dreams.

i'm fully aware that going back would be, will be, different. it won't be the same, it will no longer be "new". the faces will change, the dynamic will be unknown, and i honestly can't say that i will be positioned to learn and grow in the same ways i was last year. am i longing for something that no longer exists? perhaps. will i be disappointed to realize that? quite likely. but there is something there, something deeper than the food and the culture and even the kingdom relationships previously built. there is the draw and call of the Lord, that has set my heart ablaze for this nation, and that fire can not be reduced to mere embers. He is blowing on the kindling, He is responsible for renewing that passion, even from afar. and until my feet are once again left dry and dirty from the leached, dusty soil, i will trust Him to do just that.

last easter sunday communion service in the prayer room at YWAM St. Marc

picture taken by/belonging to jasen chung

bleach.

if ya'll know me, you know that summer is by far my favorite season. you would also know that i fully intend on ushering it in all too soon before it is quite here. i am ready by march for lighter fabrics, white linens matched with nautical navies and stripes. so it was no surprise to me that the second nashville even considered warming up, i would don a pair of my favorite white h&m linen pants that i bought a few years back in Paris (when i was also trying to usher in spring/summertime all too soon, and it wound up snowing. i literally packed for 70s, and we froze our tail off at the expense of our stubbornness).

a few weeks ago, a group of us decided to go see our friend Quinn's photography on exhibit at a gallery as part of an art crawl downtown. as we walked up, he was outside, and we hadn't even been there thirty seconds when, as he reached over to give me a hug, his small plastic cup of red wine hit my elbow, and fell ... all over the front of my white pants. Quinn is one of the most gentle, sincere, down-to-earth people i know, and he was deeply regretful. i know he didn't do it on purpose by any means, and there was nothing i could do but brush it off and bear the wine-stain with pride (hey, it's totally art-deco).

at the end of the night, i got home and scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed with stainstick. i then left the pants sitting in the basin full of detergent and bleach water overnight. when they came out of the washer in the morning, i was completely surprised that the stain was only faintly noticeable (i've even worn them since, and no one has said a word!). there's just a small amount of a darker off-white where the stain once was.

if you have any experience with doing laundry, you know that bleach can be your greatest friend, and greatest foe. it can brighten your whites, but they will never again have that "just-purchased" look.

so when i found myself singing this morning, i thought about how thankful i am that even the best and brightest whitening isn't enough when it comes to jesus:

Jesus paid it all;

all to Him i owe.

Sin had left a crimson stain;

He washed it white as snow.

i can't even wrap my head around the purity and integrity in the white that he has made us. that each blemish, each hint of stain, has been wiped clean from our ratty garments. we are free to be loved by a God that so greatly desires our worship and hearts that He not only cleansed our sins, He died for them.

storms

it had been a long day. it was late. and dark. and when they all boarded the boat, all had been still.

but then the winds shifted, picked up, and howled. the rain came in sheets; the waves crashed over the bow.

huddled in the place they knew the best, the tiny boat seemed more like a death wish than a home.

the disciples shrieked in terror with each thunder clap, and counted this night as their last.

alas, one of them woke Him up.

"hush," Jesus spoke to the seas; and all fell immediately silent.

"where is your faith?" He said to the men.

***

these weren't just any men that were doubting Jesus; they were those He knew best. they were front and center for the feeding of the 5000. they saw the lame, walk; the blind, see; the possessed, healed. and they couldn't even cross a lake with jesus in the same boat as them without fearing for their lives. so it comes as no surprise to me that i doubt God all the time. it doesn't excuse it; perhaps just helps to explain it. as human, we are fallible. we know our own inadequacies, and it is hard for us to wrap our minds around the fact that, even without our prompting, God has it under control. He doesn't need us to wake Him. He doesn't need us to stand in fear. Just because we can't rebuke the tide does not mean He can not cause it to cease or to part. He's doing a pretty good job without us trying to take it over or having us screwing things up.

what also gets me is that the disciples were seamen. they were former fishermen! they were experienced in bad weather and waves and living life on a boat. this was their comfort zone, and even still, a storm hit. how often do we find ourselves in a storm even within our comfort zone? perhaps, its God's way of making us uncomfortable, to remind us that He is still God. to remind us to trust in Him, and not on our own experience or habits or abilities? to draw our gaze back to His eyes, our call back to His name? for whatever reason, i find myself in a very scary storm in which my weakened footing is grappling for stable ground. i'm waking Jesus, shouting, crying, "God! Jesus! see me! save me!" in the moments He reaches out His hand, and I feel that my faith is so small to have doubted he wouldn't protect me, I am reminded of the disciples-- as they stand in awe and asked each other, "who is this man? even the waves and wind listen to Him."

be like the water and the wind, my friends. and remind me too, when i'm low on faith and full of fear.

this i know

there are some days that the Lord just lavishes you with His love.

fortunately, this was one of them.

still riding on the coattails of my last post's emotion, i was prepared for a bummer week. especially considering, i spent all day yesterday convinced that today would be wednesday. even with that snafu, i've still managed to convince myself tomorrow is thursday. obladee.

so when i woke up at 5:17 this morning (no way! just realized a correlation! mental note to return!), and felt ... refreshed (albeit not ready to get out of bed, because even on a good day, i can't convince myself that anything is better than sleep), i knew there was some semblance of a good mood in the forecast. i didn't rush, i took my time; i wore what resembled an african moo-moo with some of my ethiopian earrings, and i was READY for the day when i walked in at my new-normal time of 7:20 (until spring break, i was vigilant about arriving by 7 a.m.!).

still laughing at my kinder's last sentence from his johnny can spell notebook "You spelled phonogram wrong," I was totally set for a great day! and that it WAS!

with all my worries about money and moving and making it through til June, I am convinced today was a reminder that Jesus has my back. i signed onto twitter during our planning period and saw that my favorite restau EVER, baja burrito, tweeted asking for help with their recycling... and the first to reply would get a $50 gift card! i hardly hesitated when i saw that it had just been posted literally 1 second ago, and @replied as soon as my screwy fingers could type! (hey, these iphones are tricky!)

BAM! i was first in line! they responded asap, and i immediately felt just such a sense of joy and excitement and ridiculousness come over me. even in the details and the silliest ways, God takes care of His children. and what was a few bottles to the recycling yard anyways!? (ummm, yeah... about that... later.)

after lunch, the most magical thing happened: i decided not to focus on "just getting all my stuff done." instead, i focused on those students that needed the most help. and i saw little miracles. my ELL student sounding out letters and correctly identifying them. my precious special needs friend completing assignments. my sweet, sweet little girl (whom last week wrote ISALF for her sentence meaning: "I smell a leaf.") sounding out and spelling the word "cupcake"!!!! these are no small feats! I wanted to CRY! God has allowed me to be part of something so amazing, something so foundation in the lives of these children!! He has not only allowed me, but He has ENABLED me! He has BLESSED me with them! He TRUSTS me with the gifts and talents His given me, and He has sent me to use them! and now; FINALLY! i am seeing rewards! not in my life, but in their own learning! and that is a reward enough!!!

after quickly tidying up my room and getting a few papers graded and returned, i bolted to my car and headed home (to lighten my trunk of a few sleds and empty diet coke boxes). just around 4, i walked into baja and meet the owner, troy, who was all ready to go! my twitter name on the envelope he handed me, he invited me to eat a meal on the house (not even on the gift card!). so i splurged, and even got guac (hey, it's usually extra!) on my black and pinto bean burrito. truth be told, i wasn't that hungry yet (this remains a mystery as to why not!?), but i managed to "choke-down" (yeah, right) every bite of that delicious mound of beans and vegetables! YUM! and the pineapple salsa?! i bet jesus drinks it in heaven, it's THAT good!

one of the guys walked me out back and helped me bag up all the bottles.... WOW! that's A LOT of cervasa! it took us about 20 minutes to bag it all up, but i totally enjoyed conversing with a stranger. as we talked, i was able to see how ridiculously blessed i am. loading up the last bag, he says to me, "wow, you've been through a lot in your life already! how old are you!?" and it made me realized: you know what, i have. by God's grace! i had, in twenty minutes, recounted being from Florida, college, Nashville, grad-school, the process of moving to/living in haiti, my first year of teaching, my love for baja, how i got this "gig", and even my previous stint at Athens, (in which i initiated recycling and would take a week's remnants of ketchup bottles, and the Jetta was dubbed the "ketchup popsicle"-- now more like cervasa popscicle!). it's not often you get to share the most life-changing moments in your life in daily conversation, but when you do, they should truly serve as a reminder of all you've come from and done, under the Lord's provision! can i get an AMEN!? .... at least a Presbyterian one ....?

i laughed the entire way to the recycling station. the bags were leaking liquid and odors, but i didn't seem to care. it took me 20 minutes to unload my car into the glass receptacles. i returned to my car, covered in mysterious liquids, mud (not even sure how that wound up all over my dress!), and eventually would find a bit of glass in my foot. i stunk to high heaven, but i was happy. after all, how often do you get an opportunity for a story like that (or free baja?!)?

armed with at least 8 free meals and the wordless affirmations of a growing bunch of kiddos (and a few parents that are as equally excited and encouraged by their kiddo's love for reading!) i am just left in a sweet, sweet spot knowing that i am exactly where i need to be. its not always comfortable, its not always enjoyable. but if i look hard enough, i can see that i am in Jesus' hands, and He is undoubtedly taking care of me.

have faith, or have patience?

okay, i couldn't just leave a story unfinished like that. as exhausted as i am, it would haunt my brain and not allow my sleepy body to get any rest tonight.

so all of that to say: (meaning, the previous post)

i struggle to find a balance between knowing that God has it all under control, and not being pro-active. i will color code this to make it easier (for me, not for you. although, you might thank me for the color codes).

God has this under control. (black. as in black in white. as in truth. you follow?)

i don't have the money to move May 1 (also black/fact).

God does. (fact. yet, idealist; so we'll go with ... grey).

okay, maybe this color code thing didn't work out so well. but do you know what i mean? Do you ever put something in His hands, but know that you have to be real and know that life doesn't always work out like you think it should?

part of me struggles with this apartment situation. would committing in faith to putting a deposit down (i have exactly enough for the security deposit right now; albeit, i can't spend a dime on anything else until I get paid next week) be foolish? would it be stepping out in faith and saying "I trust God to bring me a roommate," or would it be saying "I don't trust God to provide a better situation, so I don't want this one to pass me up"? do you see where i'm going?

or should i wait and say "i know God will take care of this," and not move forward on this place, and then not be able to find one later, or run into just as many problems because i'll be in Florida for a month and then coming back to house hunt with no where to stay in the meantime.

what i'm struggling with is where the action is required. on the front end, or on the waiting end? what am i more scared about? not finding a roommate? not having a place to live for the month of May and having to inconvenience others by staying with them? not having enough money for rent, or for the other expenses that month? what am i not trusting God with?

i dont want to put the deposit down, and when it comes time to move in May 20th, not have a roommate or the funds to move in by myself. i don't want to not put the deposit down and miss out on this if this is what God has for me, including that act of faith.

i took a walk with sebastian earlier trying to figure this out. i'll admit, i couldn't stop the tears from flowing. i hate not knowing. i feel so foolish, thinking about what i'll be thinking two months from now, in my new apartment. see, it worked out just fine. you knew all along the Lord wouldn't let you down. but it is SO HARD; knowing that now and knowing what to do with it, verses knowing that in hindsight.

i asked God to speak to me on my walk; to meet me there, because I just don't know what i'm going to do. i felt Him speak to my heart:

have I ever left you? no, i responded. do you think I'd leave you now? no. i know better.

see that property over there; there used to be a wall around it. they've torn it down. see the tulips. they are beautiful aren't they?

ummm... yes God. they did tear it down, didn't they? i didn't notice that. and the tulips, they are quite nice.... but... we're talking about roommates, aren't we?

to be honest, i still have no idea why He pointed out those tulips or the missing wall. crossing the mainstreet back over to our complex, i thought it might have something to do with this wall i can't see behind right now; and how something so simple, yet so beautiful lies behind it. and once that wall is down, all the passerby's can see the beauty of the tulips. is that wall my faith? my lack of faith? is it the unknown? the unpredictable? is it what is cutting me off from seeing the full beauty of the Lord?

faith or patience?

sweet jesus, please reveal your will to me.

you are what you ...

some people are emotional eaters.

on occasion, i, too, can be one of those people.

however, i'm typically an emotional cooker.

that's right. when i need to blow off some steam, i do it via boiling water.

you see what i did there...? aha. yes.

last sunday, i had two, possibly three meltdowns. and voila! ghiradelli double fudge brownies with caramel, and an entire weeks supply of homemade chicken pot pie.

yesterday, i was feeling refreshingly domestic after my saturday morning gym/house hunting/grocery shopping/laundry, so in celebration: i whipped up some homemade guac and salsa! olé! my contentment with the first two dishes, my productive morning, and my great finds at the grocery lead me to creating such a delicious meal that i actually felt satisfied and not guilty after eating it. (anyone trying to eat healthy knows that a ziploc full of baby carrots is not NEARLY as satisfying as one of peanut M&M's. i'm just saying).

so i whipped up this baby:

baby meaning: arugula blend salad tossed with a light champagne vinaigrette, strawberries and pistachios. served with two turkey BLT's [trader joe's uncured, apple-wood smoked, peppered turkey bacon; sliced granny smith apples, a slice of strawberry, lightly dressed arugula (with that heaven-tasting champagne vinaigrette!), and topped with a generous spoonful of homemade guac!].

it seriously doesn't get any better than this!

<------- pendulum swing -------->

and then there's today. after a seemingly good morning at church, photo editing, salsa and guac-ing, i went to look at another house (i'm moving; if you didn't get the memo, check the craigslisting here). location was great. yard (front and back) was super desirable. carpeted bathrooms and the size of the kitchen - i would rather not. but hey, you get what you get. the sweet old man (hippy or redneck? the rubber-banded beard didn't really tell) was a gem of a landlord, and very honest and straight forward. did i like it? yes. do i want to move? not one bit.

for starters, there's this thing called: i live in the best location, with the best roommates, in the best condo, with the best rent ever. i've been blessed with such a situation that i've grown accustomed to this "spoiled" lifestyle. i'm less than a mile to my gym or to my church in either way. just over a mile to some of my best girl friends' house. i've got 3 grocery stores within that same mile radius. i'm half a mile to the interstate, and my 25 minute, all-interstate commute to work is my saving grace for each morning. i pay less for rent and utilities that most people would pay for a cardboard box in this area. and if you've ever seen this condo, you know that we are truly spoiled with the 2600 square feet spreading over 3.5 levels that really gives us our own space. it is super hard to give all that up.

and super scary.

enter back into the story of house hunting today: and i like the place; but i can't commit. I don't have a roommate. and i've been trying desperately to find one (i.e. that Craigslist ad, multiple facebook and twitter posts, joining a semi-creepy "Newborhood" site in hopes of scoping our roomie prospects). i thank him for his time, and i go on my way.

pulling out of the driveway, he comes out and says he has another property that he thinks i might be interested in. in my old neighborhood (in which i LOVED as equally as this one).

it's a 2/1, about 900 sq ft, and the stack washer/dryer stands in the kitchen where a pantry would be nice. my dining room table won't feet, and i'll be lucky if i can get a dresser in along with my bed, sabby's cage, and a small night stand. the living room is, ... ummm ... cozy (that's what craigslister's say when they want to dress up the word "small"). but it is cozy. it's actually cute. for a 900 ft duplex. its on a quiet street in a safe neighborhood, and the rent is $1000 (which is just about going rate for that size of a place in green hills). "it's gunna go fast, so let me know soon if you want it," he says as i get in my car.

if only it were that simple.

i do want it.

i want this house-hunting to be over with.

i want a roommate. or at least i want cheaper rent because i live with a roommate.

i want a space to decorate as my own.

i get home and begin crunching numbers. i'm currently paying my rent on the 20th of the month it covers (that's when i get my whopping one paycheck a month). so with the same pay check, i would be paying this months rent here ($) plus the pet deposit ($) security deposit ($$) and first months rent ($$$) there. without a roommate, we're talking right around $2400. which leaves me precisely enough money for the month to by one box of ramen and allow all of my other bills to go past-due. with a roommate, it puts me right about $1600, which would leave me with enough money to pay most of my bills, but not account for groceries, food, or gas. then there's utilities that have to go into my name... ugh.

with all the number crunching and spreading and trying to figure out how to work this, i write on my scratch sheet: "Jesus. miracle." because truly, that is the only way this is going to work. that, and crashing on a couch until my May 20th paycheck and moving in with a roommate, which does look swing-able, even if not comfortable.

then there's always the option to crash an entire month of may (fun for NO one, i know), and head home to Florida just after memorial day and spend June rent free in my daddy's empty house.

but that option puts people out for a month, and leaves me feeling homeless and living out of a suitcase.

then there's the chance our place doesn't rent by May 1, and we get to stay. which is phenomenal if that works that way. but i can't plan for that and have it not happen. which is why i'm being proactive and looking now.

all of this to say, i made:

• fried plantains
• beer-battered tempura chicken for tacos (subsequently forgot to fry the tortillas, so i just ate chicken)
• a spicy avocado sauce

and then watched the notebook.

its been that sort of day.

so friends, i ask for your prayers for this living situation. i know that God has it under control. I know that He can open doors that I can't, find roommates I don't know existed, create friendships for even just a season that are life-giving, and materialize funds in my bank account via random requests for a baby-sitter (i'm open good friday and the two days after memorial day, btw). if He provides a place here through May, I'm going to Florida in June. if we have to move by May 1, He'll provide a roommate, a mid-May move-in (so I can get paid first), and a place to crash in the meantime. (the complexities are an entire different post; one which i don't have the strength to write right now). consider this: intermission.

i don't, but tornadoes

as i drove by the downed power lines, trees tossed like old drinking straws to the ground, and damaged roofs, i bit my lip and choked back tears along with humility.

i hadn't even stopped to pray.

grief filled my chest, albeit along side gratitude, as i drove the windy, country road just a mile from my school. to think, this could've been us, wow. it was heartbreaking.

you literally could see the path of destruction the tornado had taken, as it winded between homes lining blair road. it was something many fortunately only witness in movies, and to see it before my very eyes was devastating.

among the crying, and huddling, and hiding our heads, between escorts to the bathroom, and fanning the kids with a folder, and calming those as the electric flickered, between checking the warnings on my iphone app, and informing the other teachers, i hadn't even stopped to pray. to be completely honest, it didn't even cross my mind throughout the commotion. i don't even think i realized the danger or the gravity of the situation until i saw it first-hand this afternoon on my commute home.

i'm convicted, because this shows me that i have a far way to go. no matter when i think it is, apparently prayer isn't always second nature to me. i'm humbled, because this could've easily been our school. i'm grateful, for His protection, as not one person was injured, and we had nearly 1,100 children and teachers at our school, and a parking lot full of parents and siblings that were waiting for dismissal.

viewing any path of destruction, even our own, should remind us of all we have to be thankful for, and how His hand is so generous to protect us, even when we fail to call out to Him.

He delights

He's been silent for a while now.

i can't say i blame Him. i haven't been much for talking or listening lately, either.

so why He chose to use those 9 pointless minutes anyway is beyond me. but boy am i glad He did. and that i didn't burn the brownies.

the Lord knows the days of the upright, and their inheritance shall be forever. they shall not be ashamed in the evil time, and in the days of famine they shall be satisfied.

thank you jesus, i thought to myself as i first read verses 18-19. because this feels like famine. and it very well might be. but His promise is to not only feed me, but satisfy me. and not just for today; but my inheritance shall be forever.

the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the Lord upholds him with His hand.

dear jesus, thank you! my heart cries. how did you know i needed this?! the answer there should be obvious. as i read this passage, it freed up part of my heart in a way that breathed life into parts of it that have been lying mysteriously dormant. did you read that? He delights in his way! in whose way? the good man; the Christian; me. you mean, this chapter is telling me to delight in the Lord, and then it is saying that the same God that created life as we know it, delights in ... me?!? can this be true?! absolutely!! even when we fall, it is not forever, for God upholds us with His very hand!!! the hand that created life. the hand that molded man. the hand that cast the stars, painted the sunrises and sunsets, shaped the mountains, and sustains all-- that same hand is what pulls me up and holds me together, even when i fall.

i am at a loss for words just meditating on it. ponder the idea of it yourself. spend a minute or two just trying to wrap your finite mind around such an infinite concept. you're likely to come up as in-awe as i am in this moment. oh, how He loves us!

He speaks

"come away with me," He whispered to my heart.

right now? but the brownies are in the oven. i only have 9 minutes....

yes, right now. that's enough time. I have something to show you.

but my phone... it's dead.

so what? you've got a hard-copy of the Bible.

i closed my computer and headed downstairs. picking up that bulky, binding-broken book reminded me it had been a while. as convenient as it has been to have my iphone bible-ready at all times, there is just something about thumbing through the pages until you land right where the Lord has directed you.

okay God. I don't even know what to read; something new-testament? i thought as i opened up my Bible. as i felt Him say Psalms, the first page i opened to was Psalm 37. okay, maybe He does have something to say.

37:3 trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.

a call to trust in God is something that i both need daily, and look over daily. how quick are we to forget, to doubt, to grant the enemy too much reign when we do not trust in the eternal faithfulness of the Lord? even when i think i am trusting Him, when i proclaim and believe it, my mind's second-nature to try to come up with a back-up plan is already five steps ahead of my handing it over completely to Him.

cultivate faithfulness? you mean, its not going to grow on its own? i have to work at it? honest-to-goodness, this is fresh manna to me. what does this even mean, to cultivate faithfulness? other versions regard this verse as dwelling in the land under his secure promise; fulfillment of plenty; or confidence in His ability to feed us. i don't have credentials enough to credibly interpret this; but these lines got me thinking.

37:4 delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.

in an attempt to be as transparent with you (and myself, really) as possible, i've been struggling with this word "delight" lately. or any word in the realm of happiness, enjoyment, pleasure, joy, ... you get the picture. i'm a bah-humbug, old grouch as of late, and i would be lying if i said i didn't know that and haven't been trying everything in my own power to turn all of that on its head and back into where i used to be, where i feel i should be. i recognize it; i get it. but for some reason, the fog won't lift, and i'm really struggling to get through it. twice today i've shared this; each through a fair stream of salty tears. the thing is, i know all this verse to be true. i don't disbelieve it; heck, i don't even doubt it. i have been smack-dab in the middle of its fulfillment before, and i certainly expect to see that day come again (dear Lord please before the rapture!). but even when i try my hardest to find joy in the Lord, or anything for that matter, i come up anemic and fatigued.

but one thing at the root of my dis-delight, is the un-fulfillment of the desires of my heart. good, Godly, Kingdom-of-Heaven-impacting desires even. there are so many things i desire so badly , and for some reason, the tick of my biological clock has become increasingly loud, and is buzzing in my ears as a constant reminder that i am single, i'm not a mom, i don't own my own place, i haven't been back to haiti yet, i'm rounding the hill of my prime, ... you name it.

so, conviction starts to ring a little louder than that silly clock as I am reminded that the fulfillment of even Godly desires will not bring us irrevocable joy if we do not find ourselves first enthralled in delight of God's presence. a little reminder that God is far more than the sum of His gifts.

37:5 Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him. and He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice to the noonday. Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.

bingo. ching-ching. woot whoot. holler. money shot. grand slam. touchdown. bon bagay!!!

i don't even know how to express to you how much i need to read this. and even how much more it showed me that the Lord of Lord, the King of Kings, the Creator of the universe!!!!! is that in-tune to the small, minute details of our lives. that He so desires to lavish us with His love, to comfort us in times of grief or heartache, and to speak truth into our hearts. God took this time out of my brownie making to sit me down and tell me: Just stick this out with me. You've gotta trust me on this one. I'm gunna get you through this. I'll reward your righteousness. Find rest in me, and be patient. I'm working. I love you.

my knees are weakened in a way they haven't been in a long time. my heart beats faint as it flutters after feeling the renewal of God's love poured over the crevices of loneliness, bitterness, hard-heartedness, impatience. He's carefully handling the areas that have been stripped of their joy; regarding my life, my very heart, as a precious concern of His. He's wooing me, romanticizing me, reminding me that He is faithful. that He will never fail. that even in my seasons of struggle and doubt, He is ever-present, and never to far to know exactly what my heart needs.