sweatshirts are the best kind of kleenex

with tears sliding down my face faster than the ice melting off our tin roofs, i stare at a ceramic plaque hanging in my bathroom that i made a few years back in maggie valley that reads faith. hope. LOVE. and i question why and what that really, truly means.

if the bible teaches us that love is greater than hope and faith even, then i'm left questioning why we aren't allowed to do just that? the bible teaches us that when two or more agree together in prayer, the Lord is in the midst of them (Matthew 18:19). that it is not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18) and God gave him a helper who is just right for him. that three things are eternal: faith, hope and love; and that the greatest of these is love (1 Corinthians 13:13).

i'll be the first to admit, that love is the greatest feeling i know. but why, right now, does it create the worst pain imaginable?

i see the biblical representation in us presenting our relationship to the lord as our sacrifice, as our offering to him to show our obedience and our commitment to lay anything down for him to pursue His perfect will. i get that. i even somehow have managed to agree with it. but i don't understand why we can't do this together, as one? why our relationship couldn't just continue to glorify the Lord and bring us together in His love?

and we say, its for personal growth. that we can grow obedient and open to God's call on our lives regardless of what an inconvenience that may be some times. but does growth only come from experiencing heart-wrenching pain? am i more apt to hear and seek the Lord when the hurt in my heart is so overwhelming that i can't do anything but sob, or hide the pain away where no one else has to see, experience, or hear about my misery?

there's no use in wallowing in my own self-pity, but when i can't talk about it, i can't cry about it, and i can't hold it in, i have to have a release. and right now, this serves that purpose.

please pray for Godly comfort over the wounds of my flesh. pray that i develop a Proverbs 3:5 mentality in which i can truly trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. we often tend to overlook the following verse: seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.

i applaud james in following his conviction in making the immensely difficult decision to adhere to Proverbs 3:6. honestly, a man that loves the Lord and wants to be so totally open to His will is one of the most attractive and heavenly beautiful things one can witness. i'm proud to have loved this man, with such integrity and caliber. and i trust that if we truly trust Him and seek His will, that He will faithfully show us which path to take.