but i just need to write. a lot of times, i don't even know what is in my head, what thoughts i am suppressing until i allow them to flow out of the tips of my fingers, purging like a proverbial bulimic just trying to understand the why and how and meaning behind it all.
***
and there i was. standing amidst the pringles and fritos and cheetos and munchies. i was lost. i don't even eat that stuff. nor was i even hungry. but i found myself, ironically, lost in the snack aisle at quite possibly the most well-maintained gas station outside of west memphis en route back to nashville. the ambivalence of coming-to, of realizing where i was and that i had no clue what i was doing there, of what i was doing anywhere, was frightening. i realized that i was lost.
i tried to evade the imminent truth almost as nonchalantly as i managed to evade the trooper slightly before the 540 split in which i took the exit for 40 towards little rock. i jumped through hoops (like, eating at McDonalds, and staking out low-budget hotels for free wi-fi) to download the audiobook version of "Bergdorf Blondes" on my iPhone so that the drive would be more bearable; and perhaps, and escape from having to actually think during the 8+hour drive back. (Why i chose to hear instead about the failed love, and suicide attempts, of some undeserving trust fund upper-east-sider is beyond me).
but it all caught up to me there. and i had no where to turn, aside from the mountain dew and oreo cake dinner that my stomach will no doubt protest by morning.
i felt so empty. not need-sustenance-in-the-stomach type empty (clearly, from my choice of dinner), but empty, as in void of meaning. i wasn't wanted in arkansas. i wasn't needed in nashville. i was driving between two places that had just weeks ago both felt like home, and now, left me feeling shunned and to be quite honest, jaded.
newly a non-student for the first time since, oh, 1989. newly 25, which meant, newly closer to my ten-year reunion than to being legally allowed to purchase liquor. newly unemployed, which meant newly not-tied to nashville. and now, newly single. which apparently, the random combination of the aforementioned means newly into drowning your failures with a newly acquired hankering for gas station junk food.
***
after the equivalent of, well, to be quite honest, i don't know what it was the equivalent of, but it wasn't pretty. driving home, i lost it to the Lord. i yelled and cried and screamed and begged. i confessed, i doubted, i confronted. and then, i was still. i wish i could say that in the stillness i heard His voice. i wish i could say that in any of it i heard His voice. but i didn't. instead, i'm left wondering if i'm putting words in His mouth. if i find what suits my heart, and i slap quotes around it and a tagline with God's name on it. is that doubt? or is that what modern thinkers call 'being realistic'? (seriously, this all sounds brilliant in my head. but it is very likely that it is just the British accent talking, and not at all the words that are being said).
***
i saw this vision. okay, maybe it wasn't a vision like in King David days or whatev. it was more of a concept, that i just, like, understood. it was kind of like a curved load of bread. think, half-circle-meets-rope ( i suppose some people refer to that as the letter C ). this was our (james' and i) offering to the Lord. and it represented our relationship (which, is naturally brilliant that the symbol used for our relationship is food. duh.). we were bringing this to the alter, or table, or gosh, even the receptionist, of the Lord. this is what we have, to give. this, is what we have to give. note the emphasis on each. when the Lord asked Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac, whom Abraham loved and cherished deeply, he still wanted to please and obey the Lord. So he brought Isaac to the altar, believing with "pure and simple faith that if this is what God was telling him to do now, this was surely the right thing to do" (quoted from the highly-credible wikipedia). when the Lord saw his obedience as he prepared to kill his own child for the Lord, He stepped in, and said:
Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.
[ see. the bulimia. its happening. when i write, things make sense. praise the Lord for creating me that way. because i saw part of this in the drive. but the Abraham parallel totes came out of HS thin air and landed front. and. center. God is good. esp for the way he reveals His truth and comfort and understanding to me. PRAISE HIM!]
abraham was thrilled to have a child in his late life. isaac was a fulfillment of a promise to abraham from the Lord. there's no doubt in my mind that abraham knew the potential his child held for his future, and that he loved him deeply. but, he loved the Lord first and foremost.
so, back at stage right, Abraham has built this altar and placed his beloved son upon it. brought him to the Lord in obedience and is prepared to lay him down at his feet. and God says: now i know that you fear (or obedience, that grows from faith) God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.
so many things: first, the parallel. replace the word son with something it is that you love dearly; that you feel was a direct answer to a prayer, a fulfillment of a promise from the Lord; e.g.: our relationship. gah. the vastness of the LORD! we are not the first that have had to lay something we love down. (PS the bulimia is like diarrhea, and can't be stopped; and it kinda goes everywhere and gets really messy, too. and, you can't just stop it cause you're tired, and its 1:46, and you've got a really big day of orientation tomorrow morning. case and point:) God's been there before. we're not the only ones. its required of all of us, really. abraham wound up blessed beyond belief, and his obedience was so pleasing to God that he became, like, THE Godfather to the nation of Israel.
so back to the 'c' shaped bread. here we are, giving it to the Lord. (PRAISE HIM, now the recitation is like, in totes val-gal style and no longer the faaar to serious tone of Ms. Brit!) That is what God is calling us too. he wants our bread. and not like he doesn't have enough of his own bread; but if we are going to have our bread, he needs to know that we are willing to give it up to Him first. and that if he chooses to bless it and give it back to us, then totes AWES! but should he not choose to do so, it was only ours to offer Him in the first place. the bread, our relationship, is our sacrifice, our Isaac.
maybe its the mountain dew. or the fact i'm exhausted. or maybe i'm just terrified to go to sleep in my own bed, alone, without a soul here, for the first time in over a month and a half. but connections are being made in my head left and right. i'm researching the original hebrew of the bible and comparing translations for the word "fear", for really, no good reason, aside from i'm excited about what God is showing me in thus, my first of many, miserable, miserable nights.
***
my room smells of febreeze; and i'm not at all opposed to it. it reminds me of italy, and is rather delightful, although i'm a little perplexed as to where indeed it is coming from.
again, it all sounds better with a british accent. re-read it in one, and you're likely to have a chuckle and agree. and i'm likely to receive a referral to a shrink.
***
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