je ne sais pas.

in a society that has ushered in technology to encourage us to multitask on cell phones (i once deposited a check after checking my email, while using the restroom), there's not much time built in for slack. unlike the laid-back ways of siesta-practicing spaniards, the untimeliness that is south america, and even a throwback to mayberry, our culture has learned to do more, faster. we have torque converters to get us there quicker, with more power. microwaves to nuke our meals in less time than it takes to feed the dog. iphones so that, at virtually anytime, one can accomplish a number of tasks and errands, all while planning a schedule and ordering dinner online. we've taught ourselves that more is better: more school, more work, more pay. we pride ourselves on the number of items we are able to cross off our to-do lists. and if you're anything like me, you've even created a flow-chart of all the possible major-life-decision options your facing, with their corresponding arrows pointing to all the possible next steps. (okay, so maybe that was overkill).

overall, we're awake more than ever, we're going through more school than ever, to work more hours than ever, to make more money than ever, to buy a bigger house than ever, to never live in because we're too busy everywhere else. we have learned that being busy is not only a social norm, but it's the preferred way of life.

but by who's standards?

currently un-employed, post-grad, sans relationship-- i've discovered i have beaucoup de temps on my hands these days. and its unsettling. i've never learned to sit still; it's in our over-caffeinated blood to keep moving. i get cabin fever after only a few hours, and if i'm not out of town at least once a month, my feet get a terrible itch to run. i've learned balancing acts of social life, spiritual life, alone-time life, school-life, work-life and travel-life. i've become ambidextrous so i could simultaneously highlight and write marginal notes while working on my thesis. i miraculously made it through a semester of school, thesis, break-up part une, portfolio, praxis exams, and exit presentations without flaw (again: miraculously). but if there's one thing i never mastered (and there's far more than just one) it's that i haven't learned the value of stillness.

God finds the still rest both tranquil and necessary. when he created the earth, whether you're under the school of thought that believes in a literal 6-day time span or a more liberal interpretation, God took a day... to rest. If even God Himself needs a day of rest, how important might it be for us to take heed of His example?

we have learned to find our value in how much we can get accomplished by the end of the day, but have we ever learned to value how much the Lord can accomplish in us in our still, slow, quiet times?

for me, this current bout of forced stillness is tough because it goes against the brainwashing i've succumbed to all my life. but i think its about a whole lot more than my comfort.

as mentioned, in august i had my plate full. i can still remember that tuesday morning, driving to our on-campus in-service and crying out to the Lord. i did not know how i was going to make it through with everything that was on my plate. i knew before it even started that on my own, i would become overwhelmed and worn. so i didn't even attempt it without first calling on my heavenly father. little did i know the size of the burden i would bear until james and i broke up unexpectedly that evening. without that on my plate, i knew God would have to pull me through the semester; but staring that down the throat, i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if i even made it through alive that all the glory would be His.

in light of the contrast of all that was going on, the pendulum has swung to the other extreme. i have nothing to take my mind off of this journey, nothing to place my focus on, aside from Him. i'm being forced into a game of limbo in which i don't have the strength or patience to play.

but if there's anything i've learned about my creator, whom has precisely placed the earth not a foot too near or far from the sun, at a perfect tilt to sustain life: he has it calculated. certainly, there is a point he is trying to make in this forced stillness. rest. be still. be quiet. slow down. fill your time with me. let me take care of the details. have i not been faithful?

(which in and of itself, is another blog topic; but i think i'll take the B train connection and then meet back up with my mainpoint).

last semester, in all its beautiful disaster, the Lord provided. strength. rest. contentment. i won't go as far to say happiness, at least not for the first few months. financially, the one i worry most about right now. i stopped working full-time last may, working 20 hours in just two over-night shifts during 40-hr school weeks in June, and just three days a week in july while making summer excursions every-other week. beginning in august, i interned full-time while finishing school, my thesis, and more portfolio work than i could have imagined. i didn't have time to work. then christmas came, and so did a two-week vacay home; followed by a week stint as a single mom, and 12 days in arkansas trying to sort out life. i haven't had a job in 6 months, and the Lord (with the help of USAA) faithfully provided for me in many unexpected, yet perfectly calculated ways. if there is one godly-characteristic that i heave learned more fully about the Lord in the past six months, it is faithfulness fulfilled.

i'm left questioning what it was i had missed in the midst of the chaos that ensued betwixt august and now. i'm left feeling like it was obviously something, because it seems as if God is like "well, i didn't reach you by taking care of it when you were uber busy; so i'll try another route, and force you to slow down."

its humbling. its embarrassing. its monotonously, painfully, awfully still. and yet, i must be still. God knew i couldn't do it on my own accord, so He seemed to make mafia-style arrangements so that He could be certain i would be still.

so now what? You've got my attention, Lord. the cries of the Psalmist both command and assure: "wait on the Lord. be strong, and take heart. and wait on the Lord," (NIV). The New Living Translation puts it a little different by encouraging us to "wait patiently for the Lord. be brave and courageous, yes, wait patiently for the Lord." both convey the same emphasis: we are to muster strength and courage as we wait patiently for the Lord to move; move us; move in us.

i've said it no less than five times already: this is so not easy. the last thing i want is this blog to be is a hoity-toity, holier-than-thou checklist of christian ideals as i master them. rather, i want it to convey the raw state of my heart. my stand-off with the lies of the devil. i wish i was patient. i wish i could say that my heart feels no pain because the grace of the Lord is sufficient enough that i'm fully satisfied in Him and Him alone. i'm striving for that, and Lord willing, I'll get there. but from the base of this mountain, the ascension is terrifying; i will climb with everything i've got. i may have to backtrack at crevices. i may never reach summit. but i will climb, because the Lord is both my motivator and motivation.

the psalms recollect prayers, songs, and cries to the lord, and being still appears to be a running theme through several of them. in psalm 47, we are reminded to "be still and know that I am God." researching translations of the meaning of the hebrew words used to make this declaration, the psalmist suggests our stillness as a surrender in order to know that the Lord is in control; encourages us to let go in order to recognize the saving power of the Lord in our lives (reference/translation taken from here).

i received an encouraging text last night that, too, out of psalms that reaffirmed that "not one person who waits for You will be disgraced" (Psalm 25:3, CSB). that's a comfort to know; especially in light of this really difficult time for me.

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i wish i could have conveyed all of this more concisely, more precisely; perhaps i should've addressed in in 2 separate entries. unfortunately, my mind has trouble compartmentalizing thoughts. no, really?