so bigfoot walks into a bar...

leaving subbing orientation today left me, well, to be quite honest, lost. even though driving back to nashville felt as if i was driving home for nothing, i at least had orientation on my agenda. as i left, i realized i honestly had nothing to do. and no money to do it with. (this whole, not-having-a-job thing but still-having-my-bills thing totally cramps my typical "nothing-to-do" days of shopping, pedi's, or working out (canceled my gym membership to save money, too.).). [ i don't even know if that punctuation is legal. ]

passing through woodmont, i pondered what i would do once i got home. catch up on my lack of sleep from last night? no, i have an early morning and could use my exhaustion like ambien tonight. blog? no, because writing comes from, and leads to, great thoughts. and great thoughts comes from, and lead to spiritual epiphanies. and spiritual epiphanies, well those... they come from pain. and i was feeling good today. i did not want to do anything at all that would remotely remind me that i should be, and likely was in denial about being, in pain.

immediately, that brought me to prayer; knowing that this is going to be a daily battle. this is going to, has got to, become a daily sacrifice. my contentment with the moment is just that. its not happiness. and its not secure and permanent. it's contentment. mine. momentary.

God's word tells us in Luke (9:23) that we are to deny ourselves, to take up our cross daily and to follow Him. daily, i have to surrender all my fears, my burdens, my plans, even my contentment. i have to deny myself the satisfaction of trying to just get by or be happy. i have to bear my wounds, in all their vulnerable and unassuming glory. to put all my faith in the Lord, and regardless of my own selfish desire for contentment, happiness, or gosh, even just numbness, i have to trudge through the pain, following Jesus and trusting that in Him my confidence can be found. in Him, my faith finds meaning and is met with a response. in Him, my faith becomes more than just empty words. it becomes a walk, a mimicked example of how we should live like Christ and seek the Lord.

but God isn't some elusive sasquatch somewhere amongst the redwoods out west. he's not just a destination point we plug in to google maps and monitor the distance from here to there. it's funny; cos God is more than that, and all that is in between that at the same time. He is far to vast and outside of our comprehension level. but He is in every breath, every blink, every tear.

so how are we to seek something that is so obscure, yet so vast, simultaneously? i don't know. and i don't have a witty remark or non-sequitur analogy about bread or big foot to answer it. but i do know this. we are called to daily surrender and pursuit of the Lord. and today, i do that gracefully, peacefully. and pray that the Lord gives me strength and encouragement enough to do the same for tomorrow.

i guess epiphanies aren't fully contingent on pain after all.