hepburn and indigestion.

growing up, i've always been pretty average. above average at best; but never excellent. i was a good student, boasting of mostly A's, save for two B's in college. i was always elected to student council and class cabinet and participated in a host of other extra-curricular's like cheerleading and soccer and yearbook. as i've grown, i've taken an interest to photography and cooking, sewing and writing.

i feel competent in most areas, even good at several of those things. i was just always elected to SGA, but not to a position. Was co-captain of cheerleading, but never captain. i can usually capture full flavor in preparing a meal, but there's always one thing thats off. i have an eye for a great photo and composition but i don't have the know-how in editing to really make it stand out as unique and professional. especially in my walk with the Lord, i can be so committed and dedicated for weeks at a time, and the next moment become lax and apathetic.

if there is one thing that i really feel like i excel at, something i truly can boast of in the Lord, is my ability to love. its what i do. it's what i've been created to do. it's what i've sought jesus on, and through his model, have imitated and perfected and sought so badly to give out christ-like love that it has almost become a flaw.

i'm in no way trying to toot my own horn (and if you feel that way, revisit the laundry list of things i'm only mediocre at). but the one very thing that i feel created to do, that i so strongly desire, that i actually feel good at, has been ripped out of the grasp of my delicate little fingers. if i've learned anything in my walk with the Lord, i feel like it is how to love: unconditionally, eternally, forgivingly, peacefully, and fully. i'm by no means perfect at this type of love. i only try my best to replicate the love Christ has for all of us. and, as audrey hepburn once said: "i was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it."

in my relationships, i learn to love, and forgive, and be patient. to serve, selflessly; to love, unconditionally. to give, to strive, to encourage, to edify. to affirm, to rejoice with, to make laugh and smile. i feel like i am able to be more of myself when i have someone to share that with.

and now that i'm without, it hurts, so so so very bad. i've got so much love inside of me that it wants to spill from my lips and seep through my sockets and flow from my fingers and burst from my chest. i want to nurture and care-for and serve whatever needs need to be met. its an aching, a yearning, to give my love away and have someone recognize my gift for doing such. to have that, and then to lose that, hurts my heart so much.

i feel like the one thing i'm good at, the one thing i do really well at, i'm no longer allowed to do.

i hate this, i'm not going to lie. it's more than a void of what was there. its a void in my soul of how i was created.

i won't lie; i've wondered if this is some sick joke that the Lord is playing on me. if my gift, is in fact a curse. why would God make me this way only to prevent me from being who i was created to be?

its hard to focus my attention elsewhere when so much of what i am tells me this is exactly who i was created to be, and the word tells me to be content in the way the Lord has created me.

please be praying that i don't begin to view my gift as a curse. i'm praying this is only temporary, and that the patience i cultivate in this season will not hinder, only further my ability to love. fully, without reserve, forever.