If I call you into trust...

If  I call you into trust, I will enable you to trust Me.
If I call you to be strong, I will enable you with My Strength.
If I call you to surrender, I will enable you with humility, to surrender. 


Lay down your expectations! Lay down your fear! Pick up a confidence in me and my plan.  Let your expectancy be based on a Holy Hope.  Put your trust in My Knowledge of My Plan; you see the staircase, and you trust that it leads upstairs. You can not see the staircase in its entirety, but (you know that) I built it.  I know what it looks like; I know where it leads.  Trust me with each step, but don'e ever forget that first step.  It requires the most faith, and leads to the biggest adventure.


Your expectations are based on your past, what you already know.  They are based on disappointments, misunderstandings, your fleshly desires, and what the world dictates for you to anticipate.  Instead, expect in Hope, believe for things beyond what you can see and know.  For I know the plans I have for you.  Plans for a future and not for evil!  


Lay down your fears! I love YOU!


it had been a week, exactly, since the moment i submitted my disappointments, discouragements, and fears to the Lord.  Before He spoke all of that to me at our Tuesday night fellowship a few weeks ago, he reminded me, at this exact moment that last week, i had entered with a crushed spirit and a heaviness of doubt.  since the moment He called me to lay all of that, along with my expectations and trust, at the feet of His throne, i had not doubted that He, indeed, was working all things together for my good.

my heart was rejoicing in His faithfulness.  not in the thought that i had done anything in my own power to trust him with this, but rather that He had given me every ounce of faith, hope, trust, and strength that i had needed to stand firm in faith of His plan for me.  each word He spoke to me enlarged my heart and had me on my knees in thankfulness for His attention and care for me.

but, i hadn't always felt that way.

***

a week before


as i read the words of the email, my heart felt like it burst into a million slivers of glass and cut my stomach into pieces on its descent.  since i returned to nashville from Haiti in July of 2010, every sinew and fiber in my heart and soul has longed to go back.  there's not been one day in that year and a half that my haiti has not crossed my mind and been sewn into my prayers in one way or another.  as i read beth moore's bible study, so long insecurities, this summer with my church, she wraps the book up with a comparison of scars and wounds, and how sometimes God leaves a wound open on our hearts so that we don't forget it.  the Lord has done just that for haiti in my heart.  the wound and the importance has remained great in my heart since coming back.

i had every intent of getting back there last summer.  but with a plethora of weddings over the course of 2011, it was going to be virtually impossible to go, unless i only went for a week.  which i could never do.  that will be like dipping my toes into a cool pool on a hot day, and then being told to leave before i could climb in.  so, i felt like God was giving me the go for this summer.  i had prayed about the dates, and when my church decided to add a trip there, and the dates aligned perfectly to-the-day of what i felt like God had given me, i felt such a sense of excitement for this summer to come.  God told me 2012 would be an adventure, and i was eagerly awaiting that promise for Haiti.

so, when the email came, and said i could only be hosted for a week, i was crushed.  i felt like a dream i had been working towards collapsed in my lap with no hope for repair on my part.  i was shocked, in part, because i had been told that they would be happy to have me back for an extended period of time or even less.  my pride and my self-awareness began to let fears creep in: was it something I did?  did I leave a bad taste in their mouth?  what was the reasoning?  the doubts on my behalf led me to believe the lie that this had anything to do with me and began to bruise my pride.

i drove home from work that day in tears.  had i misheard God? had i made this up?  was this an obstacle to overcome, or a closed door? was this the devil trying to discourage me, or the Lord protecting me from venturing off His path for me.

i called Christina, and lost it.  everything i had been looking forward to, everything that i even justified spending 10 months teaching for-profit in the states so that i could afford to serve 2 months non-profit, it all seemed awash.  what now?  i thought.

i got home and prayed and read and prayed and worshiped and told God that i needed to be angry for a minute.  the anger turned mainly into sadness, and a spirit of discouragement and defeat settled upon me for the night.

i got to work on tuesday, and asked a dear co-worker to pray for me.  telling her about it (she already knew of my plans to return to haiti), i burst into tears again.  that was a really hard and heavy day.  spending valentines day with such a broken heart seemed unfair.  and ironic.

***

but all of that changed that night when i walked into our tuesday night community group.  we begin each week with sharing testimony of how God is moving and using us to shed light on His kingdom.  immediately, my hand went up.  i didn't feel like i was supposed to share about Haiti. the wound was still too fresh, and unresolved.  but i knew I was to testify to God's goodness anyway.

i shared about my sister, and how God had been moving in her life (whether or not she realized it), through protecting and preserving her life, her mental health, and even speaking to her through a dream.   because of all this, I had the opportunity to share Christ's unending love for her.  i got to share about spiritual warfare, and offer wisdom i had through my experiences, remembering what it was like to walk through a season of darkness as a new Christian years ago and not understand the war being waged in the spiritual realm around me.

as i spoke these truths out loud, God was using what i already knew about Him to speak encouragement and life into me.  i was getting excited!  i listened as the others shared their testimonies, and became encouraged by the simple, yet resilient faith of two youth in our group (5th grade and 9th grade).  i was so floored by their unashamed faith, and felt the pride of a mother towards them.  i just knew we had to pray for them, so i asked CeCe if we could.

of course, she said, "alright, here ya go," and handed me the mic.  i didn't mean me, i thought.

but as i spoke words of truth and declared God's promises over you, something in my spirit changed. the Holy Spirit knew i needed to pray that prayer, if not for them, for my own soul.  gratefulness and reminders of His promise overwhelmed my heart in a way I rarely, if ever, felt.

as worship began, i was brought to my knees with gratitude.  i couldn't even sing the words of the song.    i could only declare my thankfulness in spoken praise.  declaring His goodness, declaring His mercy, His protection over me.  declaring that I trusted Him, time and time over again.  i scribbled in my journal: Lord, let me trust in You when things don't' look like i anticipated.  that your eyesight is heavenly and far more clear and comprehensive than my own.  as I declared my trust through the refrain of a song, Lauren bent down with me and prayed for the strength to place all of this in His hands and to leave it entrusted to His plan and purpose.  and I did, and I was.  Christina, a new friend from our fellowship, came over and told me that the Lord wanted her to tell me that God sees your heart.  He knows everything in it, and He loves it.  I was blown away, again, by His faithful care for His daughter.  I had begged the Lord the night before to see these desires that He set in my heart, and to honor that.

i quietly went into the other room and praise Him for whatever it was He was walking me into.  i thanked Him for protecting me from something less than His best, His will, for me; for leading me into something even better than i could imagine.  wow! how great is the God that we serve! that He would even walk us into better things that we can not see nor begin to comprehend!

i shared briefly in our small group that night of what God had spoken to me that weekend, before all of this came out.  on Saturday, i had been prompted to read the book of James.  i paid specially attention to the verses that talked about not saying, today i will or tomorrow i will, but rather, say if the Lord wills.  that night, while catching up with a close friend, and sharing my plans about this summer in Haiti, i found myself saying, If the Lord wills.  she even asked me if there was a chance it wouldn't happen.  I told her that I didn't think so, but I just wanted to be careful to observe what His word tells us to prepare for.  little did i know, that God was already preparing my heart for the news that His will did not follow the same path as I had presupposed.

recalling that just reminded me of Gods ever-speaking presence in our lives.  He is always preparing our hearts for His will, His kingdom.  He is always working, always speaking, always moving.  and He cares so much about us, that He wants to prepare us for that.  He doesn't desire that we'd be blindsided by something.  He uses His spirit to prompt us and give us foresight and knowledge that can only be revealed through heavenly eyes.

as i drove home, i felt like an entirely different person.  i even called a friend i had talked to the night before and she could not believe the 180 i was professing in my newfound encouragement!  God truly is so, so good.

as if this cake wasn't big and sweet enough, He cared to add a little but of icing on top.  i got home just before midnight, and to my absolute surprise, had the most beautiful bouquet of tulips delivered.  i was in such shock! perhaps even more beautiful than the flowers, were the words in the card that spoke so much truth, encouragement, and beauty towards me.  i was speechless, and again, reminded of God's supreme goodness towards His children.  it just served as another blessing to remind me of what a big, loving, generous God we serve.  this was only the beginning of the blessings He had for me as I stepped out and said, Lord, I trust You.

***

so, there's that.  if anything, i want to convey how God can transform the most broken of hearts, the most discouraged of spirits, into something beautiful and steadfast in faith.  but be encouraged, it requires no strength on your part.  it requires no work on your part, if anything, the antithesis of that.  all that He wants from you is to lay it down at His feet, and to receive the grace, mercy, and love that He is continuously pouring out onto you.  trade in your hurt and discouragement for His promise.  He is true, and He is faithful, and He is provisional.  you don't have to do anything, for this has already been paid for in full and poured out at His expense.  just say yes to Him.  If He calls you into trust, He will supply every ounce of faith you will need to stand firm in your trust for Him.