saturday stream of consciousness.

saturdays are lovely. especially the kind spent inside and out; productive, yet not rushed.  i wish every day could be a saturday.

i finally ended my quest for felafel in this city.  although nashville is very ethnically diverse (we have a large refugee and international population), it is not always easy to track down the best (and often, unheard of) ethnic restau's in town!  fortunately, the farmer's market is essentially the international grocer meets food court, and i couldn't have been happier to sit amidst such a diverse group of people and people watch!

walking through the outdoor vendors reminded me so much of being in haiti.  colorful, 'urban' clothing hung around the tops of open-air stands; boxes upon boxes of thrift store finds marking other plots.  i know haiti is much more than that; but i don't see this in a negative light at all.  if anything, just familiar.

i found myself in the international grocery in the middle of the food court.  somewhere between the curry, tahini, and produce, i found myself feeling at home.  theres something so familiar about being in a place so foreign.  it's inviting, welcoming, safe.  most people wouldn't say that about the third-world.  but, for some reason, it's the exact thing that causes my heart to both swell, and grow.

i swear, one day i'm going to wind up straddling the border of the "4 corners" in utah, arizona, colorado, and new mexico.  at that moment, i will actually know what it feels like to physically have my feet in 4 different places; even though my heart has felt like that for some time now.  i guess on the plus side, it just shows how much i love each place or idea, that i have the hardest time letting go of it, or pursuing one at the cost of another.

not the direction i intended on taking this entry, but i guess saturdays can also be good for reflections sake.

hope your saturday is sunny and bright wherever you are, and that you feel at home.

scars sun and summer

the semi-florescent tone of my skin is a two-fold reminder that the cold of winter is packing it’s bags for the season.  my legs are bare for the first time in months, virtually hungry for the sun as a bear breaks its fast after hibernation.  my capris are rolled loosely above my knees, in hopes of this late evening sun will leave a little bit behind on my calves.  the warmth is welcomed, and familiar; forgetting that it was a whole season ago since my toes felt the soft grass beneath them.  as i look down, i see the white scars, left behind from the itch of dry, winter air.  unintentional, yet self-inflicted wounds; made in a haste of trying nothing more than to soothe the irritation. 

the itch is not the source of the problem; dry skin was.  how often are the marks and scars in our lives an attempt to treat a symptom?  rather than treating the source, we scratch and scratch at a treatment for only what itches us.  how much more often are those wounds self-inflicted in vain?

i don’t really know what i’m getting at, and i’m not trying to be all double-entendre.  just making observations.

i’m glad this is the start of a new season. a season in which white wounds of the past are healed over and shined up by the glow that sunshine and new seasons leave upon everything it touches.  i welcome the warmth and let it complete soak every inch of skin.   i roll down the cuffs of my pants, and put my cardigan back on.  because even as today’s sun curtsies behind the treetops, the cool breeze reminds me that its not quite summer, yet. 

learning to sit.

i'm not sure how i did it in college.  21 hours and the immense workload that came with that, 25-page papers, editor of the weekly newspaper, honorary pirates-fan spending over half my week in greenville.  because now, when busy-season hits me for more than a moment, these old bones buckle a heck of a lot more than they did at 22.

i consider myself a moderately busy person. i balance career with friends, my social life with my spiritual life, and much of my life looks like a giant venn-diagram of more overlaps than exceptions.  i prize me weekend time, as i really get a good chance to spend some time alone and with the Lord at length.  but i value my time throughout the week in fellowship, too.  i'm anxiously awaiting the start of DMS 2 here in Nashville this week, but it just looked like it was going to be another large priority that was going to push out the others, and rightfully so.  but i would be lying if i said getting the "other, lesser" things taken care of was a welcomed or easy feat.

it was my week to turn in lesson plans for our team.  i am not complaining.  i've only had to do them twice this year.  and although i usually write my own plans and have copies to make, knowing that others would be using my material, i wanted to make sure it shined!  and, its on pirates, a new theme none of us have any files to draw from for!  i am thankful for TPT and the creativity behind these lovely sellers sites! at 7 p.m. yesterday, i finished my plans by the grace of God and left school, headed straight for our Tuesday night fellowship. (sorry Sabby, but thanks for holding it til I got home at 11:45!)

headed in, i felt the weight of everything due.  in addition to plans, i've also taken on the role of yearbook this year with another K teacher.  with spring break coming up, it is due on Friday, but with DMS every evening, i knew i wouldn't be able to work on it after Tuesday night, and even then, i had group so really, tuesday afternoon!  because of that, i had a lovely sub come in for me today, and i could not be more thankful for substitute teachers!  i seriously spent time praying for her this morning because i am just that thankful!

still, the thought of everything that "still needed to be done," seemed burdensome, and i couldn't loosen it quick enough.  as worship began, and rose quickly with passion and abandon, i could barely speak praise, or even stand on my own feet.

i felt the Lord tell me to sit.  on the floor.  and then He began speaking to me.  i riffled through my bag in search for scrap paper or a pen.  neither.  i hadn't made it home from school yet, so i didn't have my bible or my journal, and my phone only had 15% of battery life left.  he told me again to just sit, but i knew i had to record, so i opened up the notes on my phone.

You've been running and doing and performing. Just be. Just come to Me and be. Sit in My presence and enjoy it. Enjoy Me. Breathe Me in. Allow Me to be everything you need. You don't need to "do". Your submission to Me is honor and obedience enough. You enjoying my presence delights my heart as much as pouring out your words or songs. You've done that. And become empty of Me. Sit and be filled. Sit and let Me lavish you with love. You'll get there, to the place where your praise flows without try. Right now, come. And breathe Me in. Sitting here, you surrender all you have. You surrender the fight to "do more", to "be more"; you surrender to me the things preoccupying your thoughts. You surrender the other things that "need" to get done. You choose the better thing as you sit in worship of My Pesence. Sometimes, you'll stand. Others, you'll bow. Learn to sit. When you sit, you are prepared to learn. Speak words of gratefulness. They don't need to be grander or glittery. Just pure and honest and true. Simple.  'I love You, Lord.' 

You are worthy lord. You alone are worthy. Of every thought. Every moment. Every breath. Every action. Every ounce of love in our hearts. You are worthy, I wrote to Him. then I sat some more, reflecting on all the things, yet again, that were shortening my stride and making my feet drag to the throne.

Are you really not going to trade your sorrows for joy? Do you want to hold on to them, the things that have worn you down and made you weary today? Or do you want to release them to my control, and receive my peace? My burden is light. Feel My Peace. Be filled with My Peace.

Lauren came and prayed with me, and I got to pray for her and this week as well.  at the end of worship, we got together with Ashley, and every group prayed for this week and for all of those (85 newcomers, plus 30ish DMS 2 students!) that are going to be here.  praying and waring in the spirit does something amazing for your energy levels.  it is exhausting and exciting all at the same time.  i'm so reminded of the physical battle that is taking place in the spiritual realm.  it is real.  the devil is as real as the blood that flowed on the cross.  fortunately powerless to that same blood. amen and amen!

i am so exited for what God is going to do this week.  i know He is not done with us yet!  there is so much room for an expansion of our knowledge of Him, our intimacy with Him, our sensitivity to the Spirit, transformation of our heart-- i can keep going!  fortunately, He is always working, and He has promised to be faithful to complete the work that He has begun in us!

so, Fire from Heaven, fall upon us this week! Be praying with us, contending for fullness of freedom in Christ, of redemption of past, for physical and emotional healing, for the bondage and strongholds that have decayed parts of our hearts and spirits would be broken in the name and blood of Jesus!

an enigmatic love

God is WRECKING me with His love right now! seriously! i have tears in my eyes in Panera, and I would write in my journal, but its so much quicker to type!

it may be the fact that i had a skinny-soy-hazlenut-mocha.  and a mountain dew. and a half. so i guess it could  be the caffeine surging through my veins.  but really, truly, i think it is just a revelation of His love! the more and more we declare it out loud and to others, the more it begins to sink into our thick skulls and skins!

today has been equivalent to a week-long vacation in terms of what it has done for my heart and soul.  In fact, this might become a sunday tradition.  or the only thing i do over the few days of spring break i will be in town.  i might not be able to afford this as a daily habit (why are lattes so expensive? and extra for soy? seesh!)  but i have read the word, recounted His faithfulness through my own writings and reflections, listened to a sermon from 5 years ago, and spoke with a close friend from Haiti, recounting God's love for her and for His children as a whole! His relentless, unending, unyielding, unconditional love!  He is SO good!  He loves us, and chooses us, and wants us!  He does not need us, not in the slightest! YET, He desires us!  ALL of us!  Even the broken little bits of our past and our hurt, due to our own neglect and sin.  The crazy thing is that He wants to use all of that for His glory even! Seriously, could we serve a more awesome God?!

i'm feeling His heart, even just the smallest portion of it that would not allow me to collapse underneath the weight of compassion in His love, for humanity.  for His children.  for this fallen world.  for His broken daughters and sons.  I am feeling the love that emanates from His very presence!  His love that desires wholeness and peace and redemption for His children!  His love that washes away every stain from sin, heals every wound, covers every ounce of pain, and renews every heavy heart!  His love that is over and under and through!

He ignites our heart with a passion for the things He calls us to, and for the things that He cares deeply about!  I can only compare this human emotion to true, pure, undefiled love.  a love for someone that causes us to in turn love the things they love.  a love that gives vibrancy to every breath, involuntary submission to every smile, intensity behind every heart beat.  this love is an eternal promise, superior to every form of earthly love, even within a marriage that God has ordained and created us for.

this heavenly love gives hope.  breathes faith.  seeks purity and passion.  God, you are so, so good!  Your love endures FOREVER!  how exciting is that!

ezekiel 36:26-30

and I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you.  and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.  and I will put my Spirit within you and cause you to walk in my statutes, and be careful to obey my rules.  you shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be my people and I will deliver you from all your uncleannesses.  and I will summon the grain and make it abundant and lay no famine upon you.   I will make the fruit of the tree and the increase of the field abundant, that you may never again suffer the disgrace of famine among the nations. --Ezekiel 36:26-30


amen.

5 years.

i just read through a note i posted on Facebook 5 years ago, just after the Lord told me to move to nashville, and a few days before making the move.  i am floored by His faithfulness, yet again, and just had to repost here in honor of my coming anniversary.  Thank you, Jesus, for your magnificent provision and for the way You have never lead your daughter, or your children, astray.  i just found the podcast of this sermon, and can't wait to relive the promptings of the Spirit that moved massive stones to allow me to free-fall, trusting, into His promising arms.

***

Foreword: This will be long and very long. i feel as if all parts are essential to the full picture.

Wednesday night, I stopped by my Mom's house before leaving for the weekend. She asked questions about Nashville, and I told her it was a beautiful city; non-chalantly saying, "i could live there," not actually thinking that would be the case, nor that she would take me literally.

Last Thursday afternoon, before leaving for my flight to Nashville, I was talking to Carly online. She told me that she thought i should move to Nashville for the summer and get a job as a nanny or something; she was trying to talk Shelley into it to. Figuring i really had nothing to lose, and assuming i dont get in to the ACP for teaching in May (which would mean I wouldnt start until August), then i said, hey why not, might as well. 

On the way to the airport, I was talking to Eric about how much i loved Manatee County. How it is truly paradise and the perfect place to live. I could and would live here all my life, I would love to raise a family here, its the perfect location; close to Tampa and Sarasota but far enough away its not too crowded. 

Friday and Saturday, I talked a lot to Mrs. Amy about the teaching program, and began to realize that starting in May or August would yield the same result: I wouldn't take on a teaching job until the fall of 2008 anyways because I feel it would be best for me to start fresh, and not in the midst of someone elses rules with someone else's students. 

I kept randomly saying oh, i really should move here this summer. Jackie tried to talk me out of it because she had recently decided to move home after the semseter was over, meaning plenty of time to soak up some sun @ the beach together. 

On Sunday morning, everything came to a climax. I guess you could say it started Saturday night when I decided to go to church with Jackie @ Grace Center instead of with Carly, although I had planned on attending Carly's church since talking to her on Thursday before i left. Anyway, I went to church with Jackie. By random chance, the man giving the sermon was not the typical pastor; his sermon was not the original one he had prepared. And he wasnt suposed to speak until they asked him to on that Wednesday. He said that he could have gone with the easy one he had originally planned, but that God had something else in mind and he knew he had to give what God was speaking to him. 

Prior to even knowing all that, was morning worship. We sang 2 songs in an hour, and it was a really intimate experience with God. I began to pray that in some way, shape or form, I would be strong enough to make a step of faith in some direction, and just free fall, and trust that God would catch me and take care of me. I didn't know what all of that meant, or where it was leading me, but it was an honest prayer of my heart. I gave God all the aspects of my life: the teaching program, my soon to be new job, my friends/family/relationships with people, Paris. I knew i had to surrender each aspect to Him, so that he would bless them and guide me through them. Right after praying that, i cant remember the song, but it had something to do with "i give it all to you." the coincidence of it all made me smile, because i felt like i was right there with the Lord in the sense that i would pray that right before we would sing that.

The man giving the announcements asked us to reach our right hand out in front of us above our head. He then told us to reach around the back of our head and grab our chin. The whole congregation did it. He then said "thats how easy it is to obey God." We don't have to know how, or why, or the purpose, or the end result, we just have to take that initial step when he tells us to.

When the man, (name unbeknownst to me at this time) began to give the message, he started with scripture from Ezekiel 47:1-11 about being ankle deep in the river, then knee, then waist and the certain comfort levels of each. Waist deep is when it gets serious and we really have to trust. But when we are no longer able to touch, and we must swim across the river, is when God can really move us. Where the water flows fresh, we can live; but the water becomes stagnant in the marshes and swamps where the salt deposits. 

He used this analogy in a way I vaguely remember; yet somehow completely understand in my heart. Its about allowing God to move us, but we must first committ to crossing the river. 

He was from Kansas City. Considered himself a "Lifer": lived there forever, wanted to die there, couldnt imagine a better place. He had a good life, a great family, and everything was perfect. He had no perfectly good reason to ever leave. Until he went to Nashville for a visit and a year later, the most random of people began to prophesy and envision him moving to Nashville. His story was long, complex, and intriguing, not to mention, full of God-breathed coincidence. He talked about stepping out of our comfort zones, taking a leap of faith if you will (tie back to my original prayer) and trusting that God would take care of the rest of the details. Its not that the place we come from is bad by any standards, but its just not the best that God has for us. Once we take that first step and committ, God will bless us and reward us. 

At this point, I feel like the whole sermon was being preached directly to me, and could have even been titled in the bulletin as "Rhiannon, move to Nashville." I was nervous and had a burning sensation throughout my entire body. 

Then the speaker said, "There's someone here that will be making the move to Nashville within the next three months."

I felt my stomach drop, because I knew that it wasnt just someone. At this point, I knew that he was speaking of me. It was a feeling of convitction that only the Lord could give. An uneasy one, yet one that would require a leap of faith, obedience, sacrifice, and every ounce of trust my body was capable of creating. 

in my heart i knew that this sermon was not helping my case for living in florida for the rest of my life. 

I left church with a feeling inside me that I still don't fully understand. It was a complicated yet simple sense of peace. I was unnerved. i was stunned. I had no idea what was going on, yet i knew it was okay that I didnt know. I knew i had a decision to make. 

the entire car ride home i talked to jackie about it, asking her if she thought i was crazy or making a rash decision or if i could really just say no to God. I had never felt so convicted, so sure of something in my life. And it was scary. Scary to think that i would give up free rent, a comfortable living situation, an easy and decently great paying job, a great location, warm weather, beautiful beaches, my family and great friends to trade it in for a cold big city i knew next to nothing about, in which i knew a handful of people, and had no idea where i would work, live, or what i would even do. yet at the same time, i was soooooo trusting and confident that the Lord would take care of the details.

I have never had to be so trusting of God in my life. I have never made a sacrifice so huge, or a decision so blind. But i still felt the most insane sense of peace and excitment i have ever experienced. 

I really felt like i should move to nashville. i told jackie that i would actively search for a place to live for a week, and if i found it in that week then i would move up. if not, i would see it as a closed door. i talked to her about how one of my biggest struggles is in finding the happy medium between taking charge and taking control out of God's hands and putting it all on myself to find a place, or just being so trusting to the point I am just lazy and expect a miracle to fall on my lap. Finding the middle ground is something I have trouble doing. Afterall, no one is going to come up to me and say, by the way, my friend in Nashville needs a roommate, you know anyone?

at the end of that sentence, i asked Jackie, wait. did levi ever find a roommate? she said she knew he had been looking but wasnt sure if he ever found one. I asked her if she had his number, and she didnt. i said please dear jesus let his number be in my phone, and i didnt expect it to be because i dont think we have ever talked on the phone. but there it was, so i called him.

and just like that, my living situation was solved. i had given God a week, he delievered in two minutes.

She then asked me what i was going to do about Paris, a trip i had been eagerly planning for months. Those of you who know me know how passionate i am about traveling, europe, and france. this two week excursion on my own was something i was anxiously awaiting. i booked my tickets a few days before i left for nashville. the first reservations did not work out, so i bought them from another site. unlike the first bookings, i chose to buy insurance for some unknown reason, even telling my dad that i would doubt i would ever need it but if i did it would sue come in handy. this insurance allows me to cancel my flight within 10 days of purchase.i am able to cancel my trip. i feel that financially, the smartest decision would be to postpone the trip until the end of the summer. 

when we got to carly's house and i told her the whole story, she said she knew i would wind up moving there all along. i never saw it coming. in fact, i still cant believe it.

my parents took the news rather well. my mom got upset but thats typical of a mother whos daughter is chosing to leave home. my dad said he couldnt hold it against me because i get that quality (of randomly moving or traveling) from him. he believes nashville holds better opportunities for me than palmetto anyways. 99% of the people i have shared my story with have been supportive, and once they hear how everything unfolded tell me to go as fast as i can.

please be praying for continued faith/trust in the Lord as i make this move. Also for increased clarity and understanding, as well as direction and guidance. 

on Thursday, March 8th, i will be making the move to Nashville. 

i know the Lord has opened doors for me that i must choose to walk through. I also must trust him to lead me through the right ones. i know that the path wont be as perfect and clear as it has started out to be. there will be obsticles and discouragement along the way. but i know that in the end, God has big plans for me in Nashville. i truly have no idea what they are, but i am by all means ready to find out.

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power. -Alan Cohen

two feet, one soul.

days like today remind me of the dichotomy of our souls to stand with one foot in the present world, and another in a world we were created for but remains unseen.  with much of the in's-and-out's of our day dedicated to the life we live here, at our temporal home, through our time spent investing in our work and careers, in our relationships and friendships, in creating a better world for ourselves, our neighbors, our sons and daughters and grandchildren.  yet, this is not the world we've been created for.  sure, it is our temporary home, and deserves our best.  this is our one-shot at this world, and leaving a mark on it for the glory of the Lord should be our ambition.

we are simply on our way home, to a kingdom of eternal glory that our souls have been personally created for.  as C.S. Lewis so popularly put it: You don't have a soul. You are a soul.  You have a body.  i'm reminded that our purpose here is to live with our future home in mind, as we exist within the realms of our current world.

so, perhaps unfortunately even, the parallel is always running through my heart and mind.  i always feel such a tension between investing in my home here in Nashville, which indeed, feels like home, and a future home elsewhere.  as i wrestle with the polarity of the two, i have a hard time finding complacency.  maybe this is a good thing, knowing we were always called to more. to greater.  but to that, the opposite is true in that i have a hard time finding contentment in just being, where i am, perhaps even that this is exactly where i am supposed to be.

i think it is somewhat good to wrestle with this. i think it prods us into never settling for less than God's will and desire for us.  I think it always has us looking towards the Kingdom, and being readied for the prompting of His Spirit to move freely as He does, to not dig our feet into the dirt of resistance to change. not to say that i'm always eager to respond in such a way, but that it at least puts us in a position of anticipation of such a request.

what does this all mean?

i'm not really sure.  there are just days like today that i long to put my feet in the sand of a new shore, in the dirt of a new desert, in the wind of a new meadow, and i am reminded of how we are created for an eternal kingdom in glory with our Father.  i guess expectant hope towards something new and something more is born with us in our soul.

girl, america.

and i can see we've strayed so far
a king born under that morning star
as a crown of thorns was placed to erase
each tear thats touched your face


and His palms and sides were pierced with spears
He hung in love just to draw you near
my girl, out of this world
can't you see this is where we started?


my girl America's crying when she's lying on her bed at night
i can see that she's screaming
when she's dreaming for her freedom


my girl America's dying while she's trying just to stop this fight
don't stop believing, my girl, America.

If I call you into trust...

If  I call you into trust, I will enable you to trust Me.
If I call you to be strong, I will enable you with My Strength.
If I call you to surrender, I will enable you with humility, to surrender. 


Lay down your expectations! Lay down your fear! Pick up a confidence in me and my plan.  Let your expectancy be based on a Holy Hope.  Put your trust in My Knowledge of My Plan; you see the staircase, and you trust that it leads upstairs. You can not see the staircase in its entirety, but (you know that) I built it.  I know what it looks like; I know where it leads.  Trust me with each step, but don'e ever forget that first step.  It requires the most faith, and leads to the biggest adventure.


Your expectations are based on your past, what you already know.  They are based on disappointments, misunderstandings, your fleshly desires, and what the world dictates for you to anticipate.  Instead, expect in Hope, believe for things beyond what you can see and know.  For I know the plans I have for you.  Plans for a future and not for evil!  


Lay down your fears! I love YOU!


it had been a week, exactly, since the moment i submitted my disappointments, discouragements, and fears to the Lord.  Before He spoke all of that to me at our Tuesday night fellowship a few weeks ago, he reminded me, at this exact moment that last week, i had entered with a crushed spirit and a heaviness of doubt.  since the moment He called me to lay all of that, along with my expectations and trust, at the feet of His throne, i had not doubted that He, indeed, was working all things together for my good.

my heart was rejoicing in His faithfulness.  not in the thought that i had done anything in my own power to trust him with this, but rather that He had given me every ounce of faith, hope, trust, and strength that i had needed to stand firm in faith of His plan for me.  each word He spoke to me enlarged my heart and had me on my knees in thankfulness for His attention and care for me.

but, i hadn't always felt that way.

***

a week before


as i read the words of the email, my heart felt like it burst into a million slivers of glass and cut my stomach into pieces on its descent.  since i returned to nashville from Haiti in July of 2010, every sinew and fiber in my heart and soul has longed to go back.  there's not been one day in that year and a half that my haiti has not crossed my mind and been sewn into my prayers in one way or another.  as i read beth moore's bible study, so long insecurities, this summer with my church, she wraps the book up with a comparison of scars and wounds, and how sometimes God leaves a wound open on our hearts so that we don't forget it.  the Lord has done just that for haiti in my heart.  the wound and the importance has remained great in my heart since coming back.

i had every intent of getting back there last summer.  but with a plethora of weddings over the course of 2011, it was going to be virtually impossible to go, unless i only went for a week.  which i could never do.  that will be like dipping my toes into a cool pool on a hot day, and then being told to leave before i could climb in.  so, i felt like God was giving me the go for this summer.  i had prayed about the dates, and when my church decided to add a trip there, and the dates aligned perfectly to-the-day of what i felt like God had given me, i felt such a sense of excitement for this summer to come.  God told me 2012 would be an adventure, and i was eagerly awaiting that promise for Haiti.

so, when the email came, and said i could only be hosted for a week, i was crushed.  i felt like a dream i had been working towards collapsed in my lap with no hope for repair on my part.  i was shocked, in part, because i had been told that they would be happy to have me back for an extended period of time or even less.  my pride and my self-awareness began to let fears creep in: was it something I did?  did I leave a bad taste in their mouth?  what was the reasoning?  the doubts on my behalf led me to believe the lie that this had anything to do with me and began to bruise my pride.

i drove home from work that day in tears.  had i misheard God? had i made this up?  was this an obstacle to overcome, or a closed door? was this the devil trying to discourage me, or the Lord protecting me from venturing off His path for me.

i called Christina, and lost it.  everything i had been looking forward to, everything that i even justified spending 10 months teaching for-profit in the states so that i could afford to serve 2 months non-profit, it all seemed awash.  what now?  i thought.

i got home and prayed and read and prayed and worshiped and told God that i needed to be angry for a minute.  the anger turned mainly into sadness, and a spirit of discouragement and defeat settled upon me for the night.

i got to work on tuesday, and asked a dear co-worker to pray for me.  telling her about it (she already knew of my plans to return to haiti), i burst into tears again.  that was a really hard and heavy day.  spending valentines day with such a broken heart seemed unfair.  and ironic.

***

but all of that changed that night when i walked into our tuesday night community group.  we begin each week with sharing testimony of how God is moving and using us to shed light on His kingdom.  immediately, my hand went up.  i didn't feel like i was supposed to share about Haiti. the wound was still too fresh, and unresolved.  but i knew I was to testify to God's goodness anyway.

i shared about my sister, and how God had been moving in her life (whether or not she realized it), through protecting and preserving her life, her mental health, and even speaking to her through a dream.   because of all this, I had the opportunity to share Christ's unending love for her.  i got to share about spiritual warfare, and offer wisdom i had through my experiences, remembering what it was like to walk through a season of darkness as a new Christian years ago and not understand the war being waged in the spiritual realm around me.

as i spoke these truths out loud, God was using what i already knew about Him to speak encouragement and life into me.  i was getting excited!  i listened as the others shared their testimonies, and became encouraged by the simple, yet resilient faith of two youth in our group (5th grade and 9th grade).  i was so floored by their unashamed faith, and felt the pride of a mother towards them.  i just knew we had to pray for them, so i asked CeCe if we could.

of course, she said, "alright, here ya go," and handed me the mic.  i didn't mean me, i thought.

but as i spoke words of truth and declared God's promises over you, something in my spirit changed. the Holy Spirit knew i needed to pray that prayer, if not for them, for my own soul.  gratefulness and reminders of His promise overwhelmed my heart in a way I rarely, if ever, felt.

as worship began, i was brought to my knees with gratitude.  i couldn't even sing the words of the song.    i could only declare my thankfulness in spoken praise.  declaring His goodness, declaring His mercy, His protection over me.  declaring that I trusted Him, time and time over again.  i scribbled in my journal: Lord, let me trust in You when things don't' look like i anticipated.  that your eyesight is heavenly and far more clear and comprehensive than my own.  as I declared my trust through the refrain of a song, Lauren bent down with me and prayed for the strength to place all of this in His hands and to leave it entrusted to His plan and purpose.  and I did, and I was.  Christina, a new friend from our fellowship, came over and told me that the Lord wanted her to tell me that God sees your heart.  He knows everything in it, and He loves it.  I was blown away, again, by His faithful care for His daughter.  I had begged the Lord the night before to see these desires that He set in my heart, and to honor that.

i quietly went into the other room and praise Him for whatever it was He was walking me into.  i thanked Him for protecting me from something less than His best, His will, for me; for leading me into something even better than i could imagine.  wow! how great is the God that we serve! that He would even walk us into better things that we can not see nor begin to comprehend!

i shared briefly in our small group that night of what God had spoken to me that weekend, before all of this came out.  on Saturday, i had been prompted to read the book of James.  i paid specially attention to the verses that talked about not saying, today i will or tomorrow i will, but rather, say if the Lord wills.  that night, while catching up with a close friend, and sharing my plans about this summer in Haiti, i found myself saying, If the Lord wills.  she even asked me if there was a chance it wouldn't happen.  I told her that I didn't think so, but I just wanted to be careful to observe what His word tells us to prepare for.  little did i know, that God was already preparing my heart for the news that His will did not follow the same path as I had presupposed.

recalling that just reminded me of Gods ever-speaking presence in our lives.  He is always preparing our hearts for His will, His kingdom.  He is always working, always speaking, always moving.  and He cares so much about us, that He wants to prepare us for that.  He doesn't desire that we'd be blindsided by something.  He uses His spirit to prompt us and give us foresight and knowledge that can only be revealed through heavenly eyes.

as i drove home, i felt like an entirely different person.  i even called a friend i had talked to the night before and she could not believe the 180 i was professing in my newfound encouragement!  God truly is so, so good.

as if this cake wasn't big and sweet enough, He cared to add a little but of icing on top.  i got home just before midnight, and to my absolute surprise, had the most beautiful bouquet of tulips delivered.  i was in such shock! perhaps even more beautiful than the flowers, were the words in the card that spoke so much truth, encouragement, and beauty towards me.  i was speechless, and again, reminded of God's supreme goodness towards His children.  it just served as another blessing to remind me of what a big, loving, generous God we serve.  this was only the beginning of the blessings He had for me as I stepped out and said, Lord, I trust You.

***

so, there's that.  if anything, i want to convey how God can transform the most broken of hearts, the most discouraged of spirits, into something beautiful and steadfast in faith.  but be encouraged, it requires no strength on your part.  it requires no work on your part, if anything, the antithesis of that.  all that He wants from you is to lay it down at His feet, and to receive the grace, mercy, and love that He is continuously pouring out onto you.  trade in your hurt and discouragement for His promise.  He is true, and He is faithful, and He is provisional.  you don't have to do anything, for this has already been paid for in full and poured out at His expense.  just say yes to Him.  If He calls you into trust, He will supply every ounce of faith you will need to stand firm in your trust for Him.

today.

i admit it. i've been away. lots has been happening, and there's been so much to write about and so little time. i haven't even signed on to my reader because i know too much time has passed and i don't have enough time to catch up.  but all of that will happen tomorrow.  i will be writing tomorrow.  mark my words.*   (* i've learned to say "lord willing." so, don't mark them in sharpie.  pencil will do just fine.)

but today, i have to write about that right now.  because today will forever go down as the day i met Mat Kearney.

i know i am totally going to come off as "that girl," so be it.  since i've moved to Nashville and discovered Mat's music, i've been a major fan.  then, there was that one time in early 2008 at PM, when we were sitting across the room and he totally made eyes at me.  he was wearing a hat, i had on a black sweater.  it was chilly outside.  then, a girlfriend of mine would text me anytime he was spotted at fido or bongo java, a few local fave coffee shops.  perhaps the most personal encounter was at agave tequila lounge, circa... late '08? perhaps, '09?  the lights began to flicker, and i look across the room to spot none-other than mat kearney playing with the dimmer switches.  as he looks up and realizes he was caught, he puts his finger to his mouth and whispers "shhh!"  don't worry, Mat.  your secret's safe with me.

needless to say, he is sort of my nashville celeb crush.  and it has everything to do with his amazingly smooth vocals and rhythmically brilliant storytelling though song.  i've listened to his albums on road trips, on runs, in green fields on sunny days and curled up in the long winter.  it is good, consistently good, e-v-e-r-y time.

so when a friend of mine suggested we change our plans of a red-box night-in to a free Mat Kearney show at my alma mater....

umm. duh?

late would not even describe when i got there.  in fact, we only heard three songs.  but, it didn't matter.  it cemented his top 3 position in my who-would-you-love-to-see-in-concert-together? (answer: hanson, mat kearney, and jon foreman (who recently replaced brett dennen for the coveted top prize).  other runners up include: matt nathanson and goo goo dolls).

when a good friend of ours that works for Mat asked if we wanted to join him in the green room, you betta believe i jumped on that chance.  i was so "that girl," but it didn't matter.  it completed my dream.  and it was perfect.  (i might like him even more as i saw guac as a staple item in his post-show munchies; if he weren't married, and i were actually interested beyond his music, we'd be a match made in mexican dip heaven).

so there you have it.  today is the day that my nashville dreams came true.  all that stalking coincidentally seeing him around town finally paid off.