rotten.

i'm not sure where the tears came from, but i'm thankful they've finally come.

it's been almost a week that i've wanted to cry, but much like an impenetrable fortress, they just couldn't break through the first layer.

God is so, so good.   and the harder i look at my heart in a hypothetical mirror, the more and more rotten it looks.  and not the good rotten, like how a brown banana tastes much sweeter.  but rather, the cold, stale, molding bowl of boiled peanuts i cringed and gagged at as i cleaned out the crock pot.

in brainstorming ways to bless a friend earlier, i had to keep telling that rotten part of my heart to tell my pride and ego to sit the eff down.  rotten.

i considered blessing beyond my means.  but i carefully, logically, calculated an amount that "wouldn't hurt" me to give.  rotten.

i considered again blessing beyond my means, and how to do so "humbly," but also, still be recognized for it.  rotten.

and i get home, only to have my sister call and tell me that she found that exact amount in a christmas card i left behind in florida; one i didn't even know had money in it.  again, God is good; and i, you see, i am rotten.

God takes care of the birds and the fields, and i'm worried that He won't take care of me, when in essence, He already knew and already had.  all i had to do was release what was never mine to begin with, and He was already there with something i never realized was (also never) mine to begin with.

Lord, i repent of my greed and selfishness.  of not being the woman that contributed her last two coins, giving until she felt it in her need.  of considering giving for the wrong reasons.  of being selfish with what i have.  of not trusting you to provide in my lack.  Lord, i thank you that you see this rotten mess that i am, and you love me in spite of it, and out of it.  thank you for wiping this heart free of the dirt and mold and showing me what it should look like, how it should resemble Yours.