un-forgetful.

we tend to write down the things we don't want to forget.  grocery lists, accounts that are due, checkbook balances.  the important things, right?

today was an important thing.

more specifically, the last hour-and-a-half.  and, as noted in my last post, i'm feeling the affects (effects? i forget.) of old age as of late, and my memory isn't half of what it was last year.  so, before i go to bed and forget it, i just want to write down the things i don't want to forget.  to-do lists get checked off and tossed away.  bills are paid and shredded.   even names and pages of 'forget-me-not's' go forgotten in yearbooks past.  but stories about His faithfulness are eternal.  they stretch the bounds of time.  we learn from our forefathers and ancestors in faith from thousands of years ago.  His faithfulness is not forgotten.  it is as true now as the day it happened; it will be as true years from now as it was this very day.

the Lord blessed me Sunday in the smallest of ways.  with an oil change and a bag of laundry detergent.  it may seem silly, and even though i feel a million miles away from Sunday, i can say that i know that it was in fact Jesus that blessed me.  the mechanic couldn't tell me why the oil change was free.  the computer couldn't tell him.  i couldn't tell you why the clerk decided to give me the detergent for free when i asked about a price discrepancy, but i can tell you it was right after Jesus blessed me with an oil change, so i will venture to say He had more than just a finger on this one.

monday was a sick stupor, and tuesday was a small taste of hades in classroom form.  even last night at worship was a fight to feel; and i just cried out to God how i longed for Him to draw me in.  see, i'm so quick to forget what He's done.

but after this honest morning in His presence, i went into school fully focused on one thing: responding calmly in confidence, and turning to Him when things seemed to go differently than planned.

this day was amazing. so much so, that words would not do it the slightest bit justice.  we began the day with a brainstorming sesh on random acts of kindness.  we role-played, and they were engaged!  we taught about forgiveness.  i made it through ALL of my small groups, for the second day in a row (my biggest weakness as a teacher).  4 of my students asked if they could WRITE STORIES after they finished ALL their work.  a sweet student of mine wrote in his journal for the first time in weeks (even after having it assigned all week...!) without my prompting, and completed a page and a half! THEN he asked if he could WRITE MORE DURING REST TIME ON HIS MAT!?!?!  this is unheard of!!! i finished ALL my emails, by 3:15!  as i turned my computer off, i looked at my half-messy ("lived-in") classroom and sighed; tears came to my eyes.  tears! of joy!  i was feeling gratitude.  i literally, for the first time in a while not only felt, but knew  I had the greatest job in the world.  i had 16 sweet bodies that looked up to me and loved me and hugged on me and told me they care about me and that i'm the nicest and best teacher in the world (even when one of them told me that my style today was "much better" than yesterday's apparent style faux-pas! she betta not hate on my white linen pants!).  seriously, the love poured out and received today was tremendous!! and i felt every inch of the blessing.

then, i got to catch up with my friend jasen from haiti and my friend sarah (that i've gotten to know and grow so close with through this post-DMS walk) over coffee!  it was so delightful to have two parts of my world co-exist.  to talk about nashville, to talk about haiti. to have people that understand both!  i left so full and thankful for what God is doing, in Nashville, in His kingdom.

and then, i spent an hour and a half on the phone with Lauren.  she called as i was literally about to his "send" on an email inquiry to another organization in Haiti, as I'm trying to reconstruct my plans to spend my summer serving there.  so barely a minute after i answered, and we are both praying over this email, and over my summer.  then, were discussing hearing His voice, and what fears and anxieties she's having.  and like vomit, words just came up and raw truth and honesty and doubt and fear and struggle and lack of emotion and everything i'm experiencing just tumbled out before her.  and we shared in our walk.  and then we spent time praying for each other and just crying out to God.  and it was real.  it was some of the most real I've been, even to myself.   thank you Jesus, it was real.

i've been doubting some of my own sincerity and authenticity in a lot of walks of my life right now because of this inability to process through emotion lately.  because i am not feeling a lot, I'm declaring a lot in faith.  my worry has then become that i'm just speaking words that i know to be true, but that i don't necessarily believe because i don't feel connected to them.  and just like everything else, i handed all of this crumpled mess to the Lord, as its been tightly waded up in my fists for too long now.

Lord, i'm grateful you take the crumpled.  i'm thankful you hear our cries and our prayers.  i'm thankful that you long for us to hand over each worry, each lost dream, each withered hope, for you to breathe new life to it.  i'm thankful that whether the season is of famine or of plenty, You are walking beside me, every step of the way, and that you are never too weak to carry me.  thank you for each part of this day in which you have reminded me of your faithfulness.  to provide.  to love.  to bless.  to encourage.  to be forgiven.  even though i am not moved to tears as i think i should be, my heart beats with an abundance of gratefulness.  and i will declare that in truth from the heart.  and that doesn't need tears to guarantee it's authenticity.

so even for just today, i will not forget your faithfulness.  i will not forget what you've taught me today. i will record it here, i will revisit it.  i will to become unforgetful.