forgetful.

i need to start writing more.

just not after 10 p.m.

i've been sick for a few days now, and although the worst is over (sayonara fever, sweats and chills!) it is still taking a lot out of me.  that, and the fact my daddy tells me I don't just burn the candle at both ends; i just throw the whole thing in a blaze of kerosene.  pretty accurate these days.

but as they are fresh on my heart, i just have to get out some words of gratitude.

long story short, this very emotional person has hit a really dry spell (literally, these eyes won't seem to cry tears even if my heart is sobbing), and maybe it's my old age setting in early, but i'm also becoming all-too forgetful.

forgetful of events on my calendar.  forgetful of events that needed to be on my calendar.  forgetful that events on last week's calendar need to be removed from this week's when i send out my weekly newsletter (whoops; sorry for the kinder-snack-confusion!).

and that forgetfulness-due-to-lack-of-emotional-connection has caused me to forget a lot of what the Lord is doing and teaching me in my every day.

i can remember just about every lesson i learned from a painful memory.  why? because there is emotion tied to it.  i remember the knot in my throat and stomach at each break-up I've endured; i remember how it felt when i showed up to my first 6th grade dance (after-school) in a semi-formal dress and had to lie and say i was going to a funeral afterwards.  i can remember every time i opened my mouth and inserted my foot after spilling out the wrong words at the wrong time.  that time i embarrassed myself in front of that MLB player and wound up in the ER with 10 weeks of a cast and 6-8 of rehab.  that awkward moment, that wrong choice, that time my tongue got tied.  another long story short:  i'm really good at remembering all the wrong i've done.

but not my Jesus.  He does not count one mark against me.  i recalled that this morning on my commute, as, in my effort to declare His goodness even in my marked season of emotional-lack.  i decided instead of spending my wednesday in prayer for nashville and my fellowship group (don't worry; i know God's still got your back!), i decided to just declare truth and praise Him.

so, i thanked Him.  for His love, for His mercy, for His grace.

but what does any of that mean, anyways?

so, I decided to get specific.

Lord, thank you for your divine hand on my life.  Thank you, that for whatever reason, I even heard the name of Jesus.  for that frog i killed, and learned repentance.  for directing me to youth group.  for the times i was there for you, and thank you for still loving me for the times i went solely for the boys.

and then it began.  recounting all of the times I had chosen something else over God; and knowing (now) that He still loved me then.  that not only did He still love me, that He was with me through every moment I was so, so far from Him.  knowing that He walked through some all of my darkest days, even as I was breaking His heart with my words or actions or decisions or thoughts, and He still chose to love me.

and i was moved to tears.  and I was thankful.  i was thankful because the tears meant I could feel something.  and because, He never gave up on me, you see.  never.  not once.

all of that wrong that I had just recounted for the eleventy-billionth time, He'd forgotten it long ago.  why? because He loves me, and that is what forgiveness looks like.