this will be brief. partly because it's 11:25, and 6 a.m. is like that cruel teacher you had in high school, and offers no leniency, no matter the good cause or reasoning.
but mainly because, i am telling myself, this will be brief.
***
i'm used to that place; that place of suffering for the Lord, as McKenna so graciously spoke in her message tonight. i'm used to clinging tightly to Him, when there is nothing left to cling to, and hearing His voice so gently and effortlessly, as it pours out love on every wounded part of my heart.
and i'm also familiar to that place of break-through. what the view looks like and the high feels like when you cross the finish-line of whatever race you are running, with expectancy, hope, and joy; as you stand victorious, with the burden lifted, and nothing but gratitude emanating from every inch of your being.
but this middle ground, this transient stage, seems to be a place of new difficulty. i've come to expect God to show up in the high's and the low's, equally triumphant over the enemy and my flesh; teaching me to rely on Him for my strength in the times of despair and pain, of joy and celebration. but this new territory is just that: new. as the pendulum is neither on the left or the right, but stuck in the middle, seemingly not in motion towards one extreme or another, i struggle to find familiar emotion. everyone always talks about from glory to glory, but we often forget that tiny little word "to," that means you're not yet there, but you're on your way, stuck somewhere in the middle of two mountain tops. that somewhere, is usually a sparse valley.
God is truly doing new things. and whether the lack of emotion is part of His new things, or is a funk I've found myself in, or whatever it looks like, it is unfamiliar. i cling to things driven by my emotion. love, passion, joy, pain. as an experiential person, i learn best not with sight nor sound, but through experience and feeling.
even now, i struggle to put together the words to explain it, as its hard to describe something you don't even understand how to feel.
but tonight, God taught me that none of that even matters.
i've known, and i've witnessed, and i've even said myself: faith does not rely on our emotions. it is a conscious choice to trust Him, regardless of what we feel. to praise Him, even when our circumstances would dictate we should feel something other than grateful. to learn from Him and hunger for Him in humility, even when our feelings tell us we are full and overflowing with His love. feelings don't necessarily dictate truth. often times, they just dictate flesh. regardless, they are vital to our humanity. when jesus took on flesh, we saw Him get angry. we saw Him weep. we saw Him moved with compassion. feelings are not bad. they are just not everything.
the Bible tells us to worship in Spirit and in Truth. not in emotion. does worshipping out of emotion mean we are worshiping in flesh? well, sort of. but in a good way, i think. sometimes, we must command ourselves to worship, like David did in Psalm 103. other times, praise and gratitude flow from our lips without effort, an overflow reflective of the abundant joy He is given us.
tonight, like many nights as of recent, i've decided to worship. i've made the conscious effort; i've declared goodness in His grace and mercy, Glory to Him alone, because I know it, in my heart, to be true. but as i worshiped Him tonight, my words flowed with ease; over the seemingly-stone-cold boulder of my heart, rounding the bends of gratitude, rushing like a mighty river of praise. there was abundance: of freedom, of communion, of thanksgiving, of peace.
and with every word, i felt power. i knew He was being enthroned on my praise. i was reminded of His faithfulness. and even though i didn't feel His presence manifest in that room, like I may have been able to just months ago, i knew He was there, being glorified by our worship.
i fell to my knees and repented of every time i've tried to take control; of trying to make plans, or try to figure out the ones He has without waiting on Him to reveal them. i listed and handed over 7 (perhaps 8) situations, time-sensitive situations, in which i was trusting God to bring revelation to or an answer to prayer. and i declared that i trusted Him. but beyond just knowing that i trusted Him, i begin to really feel like i trusted Him.
as we sang the words "Praise God! Praise God!" as a verse to the tune of Amazing Grace, i visualized each of these things i'm believing the Lord for. when the world would tell me to worry or figure out or make plans for or try to force into place, i thought about each thing, and i traded in anxiety for a chance to "Praise God!" He revealed to me that each of these are an opportunity to PRAISE HIM! Each of these things are an opportunity for Him to prove His faithfulness. Each of these things are an opportunity for me to grow in trust, and to deny the enemy the right to my fear, anxiety, or worry! the joy, the freedom, the peace that overcame me with this realization was amazing. i love how He reveals little truths to us in His perfect way.
the perspective from the "to" is often quite different than the last glory, or the next. but the best thing, the hope to hold onto, is that we are on our way, and He is by our side for the entire journey. trust in Him to fulfill your needs. trust in Him to provide for you. to protect you. to preserve you. He is a big, big God, and His stockpile of love and grace and mercy and abundance is unending!
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