my frazzled mind had about as much of kindergarten as it could handle by 3 p.m. so, instead of lesson plans for next week, i scribbled summer goals in pink, thin-point sharpie across a sheet of copy paper. as i mapped out what i wanted to change in my classroom and teaching over the next school year (our teacher brain is never done revising and reinventing!), i looked at my calendar.
one month.
i will leave this room for the last time this school year, one month from today.
i flipped the page; May. with every day already scrawled about in pink and green, felt tip and ball point, i felt a wave of 'ohmygoodness' smack me in the face. one month, and then, ....
i began to jot down a hypothetical timeline. with a hypothetical date, for a hypothetical flight, to a hypothetical mission in haiti (the only non-hypothetical part). i penned date after date, trying to visualize this summer.
and then, the finances page. i wrote obligations and dates and amounts. i wrote what i owed, what i'd make, and tried to make the difference between the two at least match up. and as the paper filled as a pepto-pink monument to figures and budgets and expense plans, it began to look more and more greek. i wish i could explain how nothing added up, how no sense could be made of what-should-be simple math.
i laughed and laughed and laughed some more. out loud. by myself. i looked down at the mess i had made. i had literally drafted the blue-prints to the tower of babel. even the words drafted from my very hand were foreign to me. i couldn't figure any of this out, no matter how much time or effort i poured into it.
are you done here yet?
yes, God. i'm done. i laughed some more as i figuratively through in the towel and packed up shop.
good. I'm glad you did this, you know. I'm glad you tried to plan this, to map it out. You are able to see the impossibility. You're able to see that all of this is beyond your comprehension.
uh, yeah God. i've got it; you know what you're doing.
Do you trust me? do you see the impossibility in all of this?
yes, and yes. all too clearly. in fact, all i can see is how impossible this is: the logistics, the finances, the expecting it to fall into place in a months time.
You know I'm the God of the impossible, right?
oh, and indeed He is. I am in such a sweet, sweet place of surrender to the Lord right now, and I laugh as i see the incomprehensible in front of me as nothing more than another opportunity for the Lord to prove Himself faithful.
i'm pretty sure i made the Lord laugh today. at least i know, He's laughing with me, and not at me. :)
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
a lesson on perspective.
this will be brief. partly because it's 11:25, and 6 a.m. is like that cruel teacher you had in high school, and offers no leniency, no matter the good cause or reasoning.
but mainly because, i am telling myself, this will be brief.
***
i'm used to that place; that place of suffering for the Lord, as McKenna so graciously spoke in her message tonight. i'm used to clinging tightly to Him, when there is nothing left to cling to, and hearing His voice so gently and effortlessly, as it pours out love on every wounded part of my heart.
and i'm also familiar to that place of break-through. what the view looks like and the high feels like when you cross the finish-line of whatever race you are running, with expectancy, hope, and joy; as you stand victorious, with the burden lifted, and nothing but gratitude emanating from every inch of your being.
but this middle ground, this transient stage, seems to be a place of new difficulty. i've come to expect God to show up in the high's and the low's, equally triumphant over the enemy and my flesh; teaching me to rely on Him for my strength in the times of despair and pain, of joy and celebration. but this new territory is just that: new. as the pendulum is neither on the left or the right, but stuck in the middle, seemingly not in motion towards one extreme or another, i struggle to find familiar emotion. everyone always talks about from glory to glory, but we often forget that tiny little word "to," that means you're not yet there, but you're on your way, stuck somewhere in the middle of two mountain tops. that somewhere, is usually a sparse valley.
God is truly doing new things. and whether the lack of emotion is part of His new things, or is a funk I've found myself in, or whatever it looks like, it is unfamiliar. i cling to things driven by my emotion. love, passion, joy, pain. as an experiential person, i learn best not with sight nor sound, but through experience and feeling.
even now, i struggle to put together the words to explain it, as its hard to describe something you don't even understand how to feel.
but tonight, God taught me that none of that even matters.
i've known, and i've witnessed, and i've even said myself: faith does not rely on our emotions. it is a conscious choice to trust Him, regardless of what we feel. to praise Him, even when our circumstances would dictate we should feel something other than grateful. to learn from Him and hunger for Him in humility, even when our feelings tell us we are full and overflowing with His love. feelings don't necessarily dictate truth. often times, they just dictate flesh. regardless, they are vital to our humanity. when jesus took on flesh, we saw Him get angry. we saw Him weep. we saw Him moved with compassion. feelings are not bad. they are just not everything.
the Bible tells us to worship in Spirit and in Truth. not in emotion. does worshipping out of emotion mean we are worshiping in flesh? well, sort of. but in a good way, i think. sometimes, we must command ourselves to worship, like David did in Psalm 103. other times, praise and gratitude flow from our lips without effort, an overflow reflective of the abundant joy He is given us.
tonight, like many nights as of recent, i've decided to worship. i've made the conscious effort; i've declared goodness in His grace and mercy, Glory to Him alone, because I know it, in my heart, to be true. but as i worshiped Him tonight, my words flowed with ease; over the seemingly-stone-cold boulder of my heart, rounding the bends of gratitude, rushing like a mighty river of praise. there was abundance: of freedom, of communion, of thanksgiving, of peace.
and with every word, i felt power. i knew He was being enthroned on my praise. i was reminded of His faithfulness. and even though i didn't feel His presence manifest in that room, like I may have been able to just months ago, i knew He was there, being glorified by our worship.
i fell to my knees and repented of every time i've tried to take control; of trying to make plans, or try to figure out the ones He has without waiting on Him to reveal them. i listed and handed over 7 (perhaps 8) situations, time-sensitive situations, in which i was trusting God to bring revelation to or an answer to prayer. and i declared that i trusted Him. but beyond just knowing that i trusted Him, i begin to really feel like i trusted Him.
as we sang the words "Praise God! Praise God!" as a verse to the tune of Amazing Grace, i visualized each of these things i'm believing the Lord for. when the world would tell me to worry or figure out or make plans for or try to force into place, i thought about each thing, and i traded in anxiety for a chance to "Praise God!" He revealed to me that each of these are an opportunity to PRAISE HIM! Each of these things are an opportunity for Him to prove His faithfulness. Each of these things are an opportunity for me to grow in trust, and to deny the enemy the right to my fear, anxiety, or worry! the joy, the freedom, the peace that overcame me with this realization was amazing. i love how He reveals little truths to us in His perfect way.
the perspective from the "to" is often quite different than the last glory, or the next. but the best thing, the hope to hold onto, is that we are on our way, and He is by our side for the entire journey. trust in Him to fulfill your needs. trust in Him to provide for you. to protect you. to preserve you. He is a big, big God, and His stockpile of love and grace and mercy and abundance is unending!
but mainly because, i am telling myself, this will be brief.
***
i'm used to that place; that place of suffering for the Lord, as McKenna so graciously spoke in her message tonight. i'm used to clinging tightly to Him, when there is nothing left to cling to, and hearing His voice so gently and effortlessly, as it pours out love on every wounded part of my heart.
and i'm also familiar to that place of break-through. what the view looks like and the high feels like when you cross the finish-line of whatever race you are running, with expectancy, hope, and joy; as you stand victorious, with the burden lifted, and nothing but gratitude emanating from every inch of your being.
but this middle ground, this transient stage, seems to be a place of new difficulty. i've come to expect God to show up in the high's and the low's, equally triumphant over the enemy and my flesh; teaching me to rely on Him for my strength in the times of despair and pain, of joy and celebration. but this new territory is just that: new. as the pendulum is neither on the left or the right, but stuck in the middle, seemingly not in motion towards one extreme or another, i struggle to find familiar emotion. everyone always talks about from glory to glory, but we often forget that tiny little word "to," that means you're not yet there, but you're on your way, stuck somewhere in the middle of two mountain tops. that somewhere, is usually a sparse valley.
God is truly doing new things. and whether the lack of emotion is part of His new things, or is a funk I've found myself in, or whatever it looks like, it is unfamiliar. i cling to things driven by my emotion. love, passion, joy, pain. as an experiential person, i learn best not with sight nor sound, but through experience and feeling.
even now, i struggle to put together the words to explain it, as its hard to describe something you don't even understand how to feel.
but tonight, God taught me that none of that even matters.
i've known, and i've witnessed, and i've even said myself: faith does not rely on our emotions. it is a conscious choice to trust Him, regardless of what we feel. to praise Him, even when our circumstances would dictate we should feel something other than grateful. to learn from Him and hunger for Him in humility, even when our feelings tell us we are full and overflowing with His love. feelings don't necessarily dictate truth. often times, they just dictate flesh. regardless, they are vital to our humanity. when jesus took on flesh, we saw Him get angry. we saw Him weep. we saw Him moved with compassion. feelings are not bad. they are just not everything.
the Bible tells us to worship in Spirit and in Truth. not in emotion. does worshipping out of emotion mean we are worshiping in flesh? well, sort of. but in a good way, i think. sometimes, we must command ourselves to worship, like David did in Psalm 103. other times, praise and gratitude flow from our lips without effort, an overflow reflective of the abundant joy He is given us.
tonight, like many nights as of recent, i've decided to worship. i've made the conscious effort; i've declared goodness in His grace and mercy, Glory to Him alone, because I know it, in my heart, to be true. but as i worshiped Him tonight, my words flowed with ease; over the seemingly-stone-cold boulder of my heart, rounding the bends of gratitude, rushing like a mighty river of praise. there was abundance: of freedom, of communion, of thanksgiving, of peace.
and with every word, i felt power. i knew He was being enthroned on my praise. i was reminded of His faithfulness. and even though i didn't feel His presence manifest in that room, like I may have been able to just months ago, i knew He was there, being glorified by our worship.
i fell to my knees and repented of every time i've tried to take control; of trying to make plans, or try to figure out the ones He has without waiting on Him to reveal them. i listed and handed over 7 (perhaps 8) situations, time-sensitive situations, in which i was trusting God to bring revelation to or an answer to prayer. and i declared that i trusted Him. but beyond just knowing that i trusted Him, i begin to really feel like i trusted Him.
as we sang the words "Praise God! Praise God!" as a verse to the tune of Amazing Grace, i visualized each of these things i'm believing the Lord for. when the world would tell me to worry or figure out or make plans for or try to force into place, i thought about each thing, and i traded in anxiety for a chance to "Praise God!" He revealed to me that each of these are an opportunity to PRAISE HIM! Each of these things are an opportunity for Him to prove His faithfulness. Each of these things are an opportunity for me to grow in trust, and to deny the enemy the right to my fear, anxiety, or worry! the joy, the freedom, the peace that overcame me with this realization was amazing. i love how He reveals little truths to us in His perfect way.
the perspective from the "to" is often quite different than the last glory, or the next. but the best thing, the hope to hold onto, is that we are on our way, and He is by our side for the entire journey. trust in Him to fulfill your needs. trust in Him to provide for you. to protect you. to preserve you. He is a big, big God, and His stockpile of love and grace and mercy and abundance is unending!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
un-forgetful.
we tend to write down the things we don't want to forget. grocery lists, accounts that are due, checkbook balances. the important things, right?
today was an important thing.
more specifically, the last hour-and-a-half. and, as noted in my last post, i'm feeling the affects (effects? i forget.) of old age as of late, and my memory isn't half of what it was last year. so, before i go to bed and forget it, i just want to write down the things i don't want to forget. to-do lists get checked off and tossed away. bills are paid and shredded. even names and pages of 'forget-me-not's' go forgotten in yearbooks past. but stories about His faithfulness are eternal. they stretch the bounds of time. we learn from our forefathers and ancestors in faith from thousands of years ago. His faithfulness is not forgotten. it is as true now as the day it happened; it will be as true years from now as it was this very day.
the Lord blessed me Sunday in the smallest of ways. with an oil change and a bag of laundry detergent. it may seem silly, and even though i feel a million miles away from Sunday, i can say that i know that it was in fact Jesus that blessed me. the mechanic couldn't tell me why the oil change was free. the computer couldn't tell him. i couldn't tell you why the clerk decided to give me the detergent for free when i asked about a price discrepancy, but i can tell you it was right after Jesus blessed me with an oil change, so i will venture to say He had more than just a finger on this one.
monday was a sick stupor, and tuesday was a small taste of hades in classroom form. even last night at worship was a fight to feel; and i just cried out to God how i longed for Him to draw me in. see, i'm so quick to forget what He's done.
but after this honest morning in His presence, i went into school fully focused on one thing: responding calmly in confidence, and turning to Him when things seemed to go differently than planned.
this day was amazing. so much so, that words would not do it the slightest bit justice. we began the day with a brainstorming sesh on random acts of kindness. we role-played, and they were engaged! we taught about forgiveness. i made it through ALL of my small groups, for the second day in a row (my biggest weakness as a teacher). 4 of my students asked if they could WRITE STORIES after they finished ALL their work. a sweet student of mine wrote in his journal for the first time in weeks (even after having it assigned all week...!) without my prompting, and completed a page and a half! THEN he asked if he could WRITE MORE DURING REST TIME ON HIS MAT!?!?! this is unheard of!!! i finished ALL my emails, by 3:15! as i turned my computer off, i looked at my half-messy ("lived-in") classroom and sighed; tears came to my eyes. tears! of joy! i was feeling gratitude. i literally, for the first time in a while not only felt, but knew I had the greatest job in the world. i had 16 sweet bodies that looked up to me and loved me and hugged on me and told me they care about me and that i'm the nicest and best teacher in the world (even when one of them told me that my style today was "much better" than yesterday's apparent style faux-pas! she betta not hate on my white linen pants!). seriously, the love poured out and received today was tremendous!! and i felt every inch of the blessing.
then, i got to catch up with my friend jasen from haiti and my friend sarah (that i've gotten to know and grow so close with through this post-DMS walk) over coffee! it was so delightful to have two parts of my world co-exist. to talk about nashville, to talk about haiti. to have people that understand both! i left so full and thankful for what God is doing, in Nashville, in His kingdom.
and then, i spent an hour and a half on the phone with Lauren. she called as i was literally about to his "send" on an email inquiry to another organization in Haiti, as I'm trying to reconstruct my plans to spend my summer serving there. so barely a minute after i answered, and we are both praying over this email, and over my summer. then, were discussing hearing His voice, and what fears and anxieties she's having. and like vomit, words just came up and raw truth and honesty and doubt and fear and struggle and lack of emotion and everything i'm experiencing just tumbled out before her. and we shared in our walk. and then we spent time praying for each other and just crying out to God. and it was real. it was some of the most real I've been, even to myself. thank you Jesus, it was real.
i've been doubting some of my own sincerity and authenticity in a lot of walks of my life right now because of this inability to process through emotion lately. because i am not feeling a lot, I'm declaring a lot in faith. my worry has then become that i'm just speaking words that i know to be true, but that i don't necessarily believe because i don't feel connected to them. and just like everything else, i handed all of this crumpled mess to the Lord, as its been tightly waded up in my fists for too long now.
Lord, i'm grateful you take the crumpled. i'm thankful you hear our cries and our prayers. i'm thankful that you long for us to hand over each worry, each lost dream, each withered hope, for you to breathe new life to it. i'm thankful that whether the season is of famine or of plenty, You are walking beside me, every step of the way, and that you are never too weak to carry me. thank you for each part of this day in which you have reminded me of your faithfulness. to provide. to love. to bless. to encourage. to be forgiven. even though i am not moved to tears as i think i should be, my heart beats with an abundance of gratefulness. and i will declare that in truth from the heart. and that doesn't need tears to guarantee it's authenticity.
so even for just today, i will not forget your faithfulness. i will not forget what you've taught me today. i will record it here, i will revisit it. i will to become unforgetful.
today was an important thing.
more specifically, the last hour-and-a-half. and, as noted in my last post, i'm feeling the affects (effects? i forget.) of old age as of late, and my memory isn't half of what it was last year. so, before i go to bed and forget it, i just want to write down the things i don't want to forget. to-do lists get checked off and tossed away. bills are paid and shredded. even names and pages of 'forget-me-not's' go forgotten in yearbooks past. but stories about His faithfulness are eternal. they stretch the bounds of time. we learn from our forefathers and ancestors in faith from thousands of years ago. His faithfulness is not forgotten. it is as true now as the day it happened; it will be as true years from now as it was this very day.
the Lord blessed me Sunday in the smallest of ways. with an oil change and a bag of laundry detergent. it may seem silly, and even though i feel a million miles away from Sunday, i can say that i know that it was in fact Jesus that blessed me. the mechanic couldn't tell me why the oil change was free. the computer couldn't tell him. i couldn't tell you why the clerk decided to give me the detergent for free when i asked about a price discrepancy, but i can tell you it was right after Jesus blessed me with an oil change, so i will venture to say He had more than just a finger on this one.
monday was a sick stupor, and tuesday was a small taste of hades in classroom form. even last night at worship was a fight to feel; and i just cried out to God how i longed for Him to draw me in. see, i'm so quick to forget what He's done.
but after this honest morning in His presence, i went into school fully focused on one thing: responding calmly in confidence, and turning to Him when things seemed to go differently than planned.
this day was amazing. so much so, that words would not do it the slightest bit justice. we began the day with a brainstorming sesh on random acts of kindness. we role-played, and they were engaged! we taught about forgiveness. i made it through ALL of my small groups, for the second day in a row (my biggest weakness as a teacher). 4 of my students asked if they could WRITE STORIES after they finished ALL their work. a sweet student of mine wrote in his journal for the first time in weeks (even after having it assigned all week...!) without my prompting, and completed a page and a half! THEN he asked if he could WRITE MORE DURING REST TIME ON HIS MAT!?!?! this is unheard of!!! i finished ALL my emails, by 3:15! as i turned my computer off, i looked at my half-messy ("lived-in") classroom and sighed; tears came to my eyes. tears! of joy! i was feeling gratitude. i literally, for the first time in a while not only felt, but knew I had the greatest job in the world. i had 16 sweet bodies that looked up to me and loved me and hugged on me and told me they care about me and that i'm the nicest and best teacher in the world (even when one of them told me that my style today was "much better" than yesterday's apparent style faux-pas! she betta not hate on my white linen pants!). seriously, the love poured out and received today was tremendous!! and i felt every inch of the blessing.
then, i got to catch up with my friend jasen from haiti and my friend sarah (that i've gotten to know and grow so close with through this post-DMS walk) over coffee! it was so delightful to have two parts of my world co-exist. to talk about nashville, to talk about haiti. to have people that understand both! i left so full and thankful for what God is doing, in Nashville, in His kingdom.
and then, i spent an hour and a half on the phone with Lauren. she called as i was literally about to his "send" on an email inquiry to another organization in Haiti, as I'm trying to reconstruct my plans to spend my summer serving there. so barely a minute after i answered, and we are both praying over this email, and over my summer. then, were discussing hearing His voice, and what fears and anxieties she's having. and like vomit, words just came up and raw truth and honesty and doubt and fear and struggle and lack of emotion and everything i'm experiencing just tumbled out before her. and we shared in our walk. and then we spent time praying for each other and just crying out to God. and it was real. it was some of the most real I've been, even to myself. thank you Jesus, it was real.
i've been doubting some of my own sincerity and authenticity in a lot of walks of my life right now because of this inability to process through emotion lately. because i am not feeling a lot, I'm declaring a lot in faith. my worry has then become that i'm just speaking words that i know to be true, but that i don't necessarily believe because i don't feel connected to them. and just like everything else, i handed all of this crumpled mess to the Lord, as its been tightly waded up in my fists for too long now.
Lord, i'm grateful you take the crumpled. i'm thankful you hear our cries and our prayers. i'm thankful that you long for us to hand over each worry, each lost dream, each withered hope, for you to breathe new life to it. i'm thankful that whether the season is of famine or of plenty, You are walking beside me, every step of the way, and that you are never too weak to carry me. thank you for each part of this day in which you have reminded me of your faithfulness. to provide. to love. to bless. to encourage. to be forgiven. even though i am not moved to tears as i think i should be, my heart beats with an abundance of gratefulness. and i will declare that in truth from the heart. and that doesn't need tears to guarantee it's authenticity.
so even for just today, i will not forget your faithfulness. i will not forget what you've taught me today. i will record it here, i will revisit it. i will to become unforgetful.
forgetful.
i need to start writing more.
just not after 10 p.m.
i've been sick for a few days now, and although the worst is over (sayonara fever, sweats and chills!) it is still taking a lot out of me. that, and the fact my daddy tells me I don't just burn the candle at both ends; i just throw the whole thing in a blaze of kerosene. pretty accurate these days.
but as they are fresh on my heart, i just have to get out some words of gratitude.
long story short, this very emotional person has hit a really dry spell (literally, these eyes won't seem to cry tears even if my heart is sobbing), and maybe it's my old age setting in early, but i'm also becoming all-too forgetful.
forgetful of events on my calendar. forgetful of events that needed to be on my calendar. forgetful that events on last week's calendar need to be removed from this week's when i send out my weekly newsletter (whoops; sorry for the kinder-snack-confusion!).
and that forgetfulness-due-to-lack-of-emotional-connection has caused me to forget a lot of what the Lord is doing and teaching me in my every day.
i can remember just about every lesson i learned from a painful memory. why? because there is emotion tied to it. i remember the knot in my throat and stomach at each break-up I've endured; i remember how it felt when i showed up to my first 6th grade dance (after-school) in a semi-formal dress and had to lie and say i was going to a funeral afterwards. i can remember every time i opened my mouth and inserted my foot after spilling out the wrong words at the wrong time. that time i embarrassed myself in front of that MLB player and wound up in the ER with 10 weeks of a cast and 6-8 of rehab. that awkward moment, that wrong choice, that time my tongue got tied. another long story short: i'm really good at remembering all the wrong i've done.
but not my Jesus. He does not count one mark against me. i recalled that this morning on my commute, as, in my effort to declare His goodness even in my marked season of emotional-lack. i decided instead of spending my wednesday in prayer for nashville and my fellowship group (don't worry; i know God's still got your back!), i decided to just declare truth and praise Him.
so, i thanked Him. for His love, for His mercy, for His grace.
but what does any of that mean, anyways?
so, I decided to get specific.
Lord, thank you for your divine hand on my life. Thank you, that for whatever reason, I even heard the name of Jesus. for that frog i killed, and learned repentance. for directing me to youth group. for the times i was there for you, and thank you for still loving me for the times i went solely for the boys.
and then it began. recounting all of the times I had chosen something else over God; and knowing (now) that He still loved me then. that not only did He still love me, that He was with me through every moment I was so, so far from Him. knowing that He walked throughsome all of my darkest days, even as I was breaking His heart with my words or actions or decisions or thoughts, and He still chose to love me.
and i was moved to tears. and I was thankful. i was thankful because the tears meant I could feel something. and because, He never gave up on me, you see. never. not once.
all of that wrong that I had just recounted for the eleventy-billionth time, He'd forgotten it long ago. why? because He loves me, and that is what forgiveness looks like.
just not after 10 p.m.
i've been sick for a few days now, and although the worst is over (sayonara fever, sweats and chills!) it is still taking a lot out of me. that, and the fact my daddy tells me I don't just burn the candle at both ends; i just throw the whole thing in a blaze of kerosene. pretty accurate these days.
but as they are fresh on my heart, i just have to get out some words of gratitude.
long story short, this very emotional person has hit a really dry spell (literally, these eyes won't seem to cry tears even if my heart is sobbing), and maybe it's my old age setting in early, but i'm also becoming all-too forgetful.
forgetful of events on my calendar. forgetful of events that needed to be on my calendar. forgetful that events on last week's calendar need to be removed from this week's when i send out my weekly newsletter (whoops; sorry for the kinder-snack-confusion!).
and that forgetfulness-due-to-lack-of-emotional-connection has caused me to forget a lot of what the Lord is doing and teaching me in my every day.
i can remember just about every lesson i learned from a painful memory. why? because there is emotion tied to it. i remember the knot in my throat and stomach at each break-up I've endured; i remember how it felt when i showed up to my first 6th grade dance (after-school) in a semi-formal dress and had to lie and say i was going to a funeral afterwards. i can remember every time i opened my mouth and inserted my foot after spilling out the wrong words at the wrong time. that time i embarrassed myself in front of that MLB player and wound up in the ER with 10 weeks of a cast and 6-8 of rehab. that awkward moment, that wrong choice, that time my tongue got tied. another long story short: i'm really good at remembering all the wrong i've done.
but not my Jesus. He does not count one mark against me. i recalled that this morning on my commute, as, in my effort to declare His goodness even in my marked season of emotional-lack. i decided instead of spending my wednesday in prayer for nashville and my fellowship group (don't worry; i know God's still got your back!), i decided to just declare truth and praise Him.
so, i thanked Him. for His love, for His mercy, for His grace.
but what does any of that mean, anyways?
so, I decided to get specific.
Lord, thank you for your divine hand on my life. Thank you, that for whatever reason, I even heard the name of Jesus. for that frog i killed, and learned repentance. for directing me to youth group. for the times i was there for you, and thank you for still loving me for the times i went solely for the boys.
and then it began. recounting all of the times I had chosen something else over God; and knowing (now) that He still loved me then. that not only did He still love me, that He was with me through every moment I was so, so far from Him. knowing that He walked through
and i was moved to tears. and I was thankful. i was thankful because the tears meant I could feel something. and because, He never gave up on me, you see. never. not once.
all of that wrong that I had just recounted for the eleventy-billionth time, He'd forgotten it long ago. why? because He loves me, and that is what forgiveness looks like.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
my cup runneth over.
the village chapel, my church home for the past 2.5 years here in Nashville, has launched a new ministry, aptly called let's get coffee. now, if you know anything about the church culture, scratch that-- any culture here in Nash, is that it revolves around coffee. a world i am just now really being introduced to, but have sat longingly for the day when i would actually enjoy the roasted bean taste (i think i'm finally there!).
regardless, this ministry is exists for the so(u)le reason of connecting women of less life experience with those a little more seasoned in life. 1 word: mentorship. i've never intentionally had a mentor before. i am thankful for those that have intentionally mentored or poured into my life in one way or another; but one single person that i've intentionally met with to sit with and learn under, i had not.
so when i looked over the list last week after church, i saw Marti's name and just knew that is who the Lord would have me meet with. all i knew was that she and her husband are the cutest little couple i had recognized at our weekly church Bible studies, and that they served as part-time missionaries to Russia. so when she got back with me and we set a time to meet at Panera this weekend, i was ecstatic!
as i parked my car, i prayed that the Lord would use her to pour into me, and would give me a teachable heart and allow me to just sit under her wisdom and experience and soak. it. up.
within 5 minutes, i was holding back the tears of joy that welled in my eyes. every word she spoke was as if she was writing a letter to her 27-year-old self, that was sitting right in front of her. i felt as if every word she spoke was coming from the 73-year-old me, and i sat as if a sponge had been submersed to soak up every ounce of the the liquid wisdom that she was drenched in. my heart bubbled with joy; her words rang with truth and experience.
she used to teach kindergarten for 9 years, and then was an administrator for 30, before the Lord called her and her husband into missions in Russia from Southern California. now, she serves as a missions coach, and still visits Russia once a year as grand-parents to the church that they helped parent into existence. i had no idea about her vast experience in missions, or education for that matter, but the Lord had every detail worked out in this. we chuckled as we thought about how He knew my heart for the nations, and her involvement in helping to send missionaries out.
i got to share with her my story of how i wound up in nashville, how the Lord led me to haiti, and how He wrecked my heart there forever. she talked about her marriage of 53 years, and i could not help but smile as she told me the sweetest stories from the beginnings of their relationship. i sat there staring at her face, and seeing nothing but the love of jesus pour from her eyes and mouth and heart. this is the closest i will ever come on earth to what it must've felt like for mary to sit at the feet of jesus as martha begged jesus to have her get up and help out with the housework. mary sat and listened and just sought wisdom through the stories he must've told. and that's just what i did. i didn't want to leave. i wanted to hear more about how God has worked in her life; about how He lead her in submission in her marriage; as He spoke to them later in life about becoming missionaries.
God is so good and reminded me as i sat there, enthralled by the wisdom in which she spoke, that He knows our every need. He knows each of our hearts, and He knows exactly what needs to be poured into them. and in that corner booth at Panera, He filled my cup past the brim. my cup runneth over, and it spilled all the way to the parking lot, after we planned out next meeting. God, i am so excited for what you are doing in my life, in my church, in Nashville. and i am thankful for the most inconspicuous people you've placed here, intentionally, for me. Lord, you are so good to me.
Friday, April 6, 2012
it is finished.
i fumbled the rusted nail in my hand. i ran my fingers over its head as i hid it in my bible. i knew what it represented, and i knew what i must do with it.
without a word spoken, hundreds of us filled the dim aisle way, headed to the cross with nails in our hands.
i picked up the hammer, and i choked back tears. and i nailed my sin to the cross, once and for all. as we left the cross, we left the nails in His hands, to be unreturned to us, eternally. we headed to the Lord's table before returning to silently pray at our seats.
the tangibility of it spoke conviction sharper than any stake, yet it was not the dagger of guilt and condemnation. it was not a feeling of responsibility for what took place on that Friday, two-thousand years ago (albeit, our sinful nature should dictate that we are indeed responsible for the death that he had to suffer). in the stead of blame, i felt gratitude. for perhaps the first time ever in my life, i got it. and even then, i still don't get it all. but for just a moment, the beauty of the grace of this day became apparent to me, as it became personal and palpable.
Jesus died. for me. i hung the nails in His hands, and He opened them up with love and grace and mercy. it is finished.
finished, it was. but, it didn't end there. My Savior, my King, is risen! He is risen, indeed! He is alive, and the same power that conquered the grave, resides in each of us. Thank you Jesus for the gift of your Spirit. Thank you for the generous mercy that poured out with your blood. Thank you for a love that covers every wound, every sin, every ounce of guilt and shame.
and, just like the thief that was crucified next to Christ, it is never too late to choose Him. His grace is sufficient to purify even the dirtiest of hearts. the criminal did no good works before or after His conversion, and yet Christ still told him He belonged to the Kingdom of God. Thank you Jesus for your grace. I pray you awaken hearts to the beautiful, plentiful, valuable, yet inherently free grace and mercy this weekend as eyes and ears recount what you endured two-thousand years ago. trust and believe: it is finished.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
monday manna
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." -- Philippians 4:8-9
weekly forecast.
goals for this week:
0 (thats a big, fat ZERO) eating out M-Th
Take prepared food to work
cook dinner at home weds/thurs (I'll be eating at Mon night dinner and Tues night fellowship)
actually finish left-overs
buy fresh produce
make sure fresh produce does not wind up in the compost heap (i.e. actually USE fresh produce)
don't blow dry my hair
that does not mean do not wash hair
read my devo every day
be in the Word every day
pray with my small group via cellular intercession one morning this week
journal note cards every night
paint my toenails
practice parler le français
don't wear pants
re-reading that begs for the clarification: wear SKIRTS
keep my room cleanish
sign up for a mentor through TVC's new "let's have coffee" ministry
don't dwell on the little things
stop to breath
do less
love more
and for the up-coming three-day weekend:
it's time to sew again. make an apron. and a skirt. or a blouse. actually plan it.
read. on the porch. in a park. in a coffeeshop. just read. something. anything. anywhere. for hours.
finish that half-finished piece of gold scaled "art" you've been working on for the mantel since thanksgiving.
let's not get too ahead of ourselves now.
and for the up-coming three-day weekend:
it's time to sew again. make an apron. and a skirt. or a blouse. actually plan it.
read. on the porch. in a park. in a coffeeshop. just read. something. anything. anywhere. for hours.
finish that half-finished piece of gold scaled "art" you've been working on for the mantel since thanksgiving.
let's not get too ahead of ourselves now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)