***
i was slumped against the refrigerator door, sitting on our old, dirty hardwoods and crying. more like sobbing, but i've got to save face somewhere in this post. i felt so dumb for even crying; nothing that had happened that day was monumentally life-altering, but beneath my skin, my frustrations welled and swelled, and finally burst forth as tears; uncontrollable tears. (hey, it's better than the other option: screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs in my car (which i was half a breath from doing sitting in the kroger parking lot just an hour earlier). more on that later).
this had been the last straw; the final push over the edge for the day. it wasn't even the fact that i had fallen walking up the stone stairs to our doorway, or even the fact my over-priced, overly capable iphone 4 was shattered and losing glass shards in my ear; no. it was the fact that i had just got done telling God how angry and stressed and frustrated i was, and how i needed Him so intensely needed Him, to be right there with me as i was walking sebastian. it was the fact that i just stood there in the dusk, behind that wall, (hopefully by myself), and expressed all my fears and the chaos that had surrounded that day; that i had just said, "God, i can not take this anymore. i don't know what to do, or how to make any of this work. i can't deal with one more thing." it was the fact that i was already drying my tears to walk into my house and pretend that all was well as i baked and prepared things for my roommates bridal shower. that i had tried so hard all day to just keep up and not feel like i was getting sucked under this funnel cloud of bitterness; but it was too late. i was already there.
the second i hit the concrete, i felt an all-too-familiar feeling. i hadn't felt it in a while, but i knew exactly what it was as if it were yesterday.
i had been sitting there, on the side of that dump truck, bouncing along Rue Mauripas to the park for our prayer walk. frustrated, discouraged, and exhausted, i said to the Lord (in my head): "if this side were to fall, that would just be the last straw, God. i'd be on the next plane home." except, I didn't even get to finish that thought-- the side of the dump truck came unhitched, and over the side it went. safe from harm as i had been grasping hold of a handle on the side of the cab, i was so angry that all i wanted to do was scream and cry. i had just told God how angry and frustrated i was; and He let's something like this happen to me?!
i dust off my hands, and see the shattered face of my phone, but it wasn't the pebbles in my palms nor the shards of glass in my phone that put me over the edge into hysteria. but it was the rush of emotion that i had felt in haiti when hell seemed to get hotter.
i sat there against the fridge, crying and complaining about everything i was worried about or felt jaded by. looking for a new house, potentially a new job. the new sounds and shaking of my car that leads me to believe mile 170,000 just might be its last leg. the jerk that didn't show up for our meeting at the rental house, and his inconsiderate way of not letting me know. driving to Nashville West in said shaky-car to go to Bed Bath and Beyond . . . only to discover my memory failed me (again) and there is no Bed Bath and Beyond in Nashville West. Spending an hour to finally wind up in Bellevue. the panic attack i had sitting in the parking lot of kroger trying to decide the best way to make dessert for 25 people: tortes? souffles? mousse? bouchons? and then reading the email from said jerk about the house i was supposed to see in which he paid no attention to anything he himself had asked me to do. feeling like i wanted to do nothing more than scream at the top of my lungs a few choice words, thankfully right as Colt pulled up to help save the day in the parking lot. (okay, i admit, i chickened way out on this one; i just couldn't muster up the courage to actually say any of them). the amount of money i had spent on this weekend . . . and now the thought of having to have to pay to repair my car and replace my phone, while paying last months rent here, and a deposit and first month's rent at a new place. the thoughts of my mama spending her birthday in fear and hysterics after experiencing a home intruder while they were sleeping the night before, and still feeling shaky myself after losing sleep all night from feeling so sickened by it all.
but on top of all that, i was so upset with myself for ... being upset about all of that. and that just added another dynamic to the emotional exhaustion. i was so mad at myself for being so stressed and upset and frustrated over such paltry things. there are millions of people starving to death. millions of orphaned children. 300 families were in mourning over the loss of loved ones, and hundreds of thousands were left completely devastated by the tornadoes in alabama that we were so graciously spared by. there are riots in Uganda, suicide bombers in Morocco, more and more cases of cholera in Haiti. Japan is still trying to deal with nuclear meltdowns long after their devastating earthquake and tsunami. and here am i, crying over the bad day i had. so on top of already feeling angry and frustrated over this day, i was feeling disgusted with myself for feeling that way! ugh! there is NO winning here!
i don't know why i tell you all this.
it's certainly not for pity. i don't want it nor deserve it. i'm disgusted with my anger and frustration with things that are both out of my control, and in the scheme of things, not a big deal. i know that. i get that. but for some reason, it doesn't make it all hurt less. slumped up in my kitchen, i knew that i had it so much better than so many, but that doesn't mean the hurt and stress i was feeling from this week was any less real to me; or that it didn't matter.
i know that the Lord longs to heal our hearts. i know that he desires for us to draw near to Him, and stay near, and seek Him on all things. maybe i write this because i am frustrated that in laying it down at His feet, i felt just like i felt that day in haiti in the back of the truck: why God? why in the midst of calling out to you, do i feel like i've been kicked while i am down?
so rather than tie in a spiritual moral i've learned or some profound metaphor that was spoke to me through an instance of nature, i suppose i leave you with just the vulnerability of knowing that i don't have all the answers most of the time.and maybe its okay to feel hurt, even if it is trivial compared to the needs and cries of others.
No comments:
Post a Comment