fast to the finish

i have learned a lot in the past 20 days.

• avocados have 30 grams of fat.  
• we made guac one night from 10 avocados.  you do the math.
• black beans taste good on black beans with a side of black beans.  
• it is possible to go through a container of cocoa powder. by yourself. on a fast.
• i tend to like the worst foods to still be considered healthy: 
• avocados
• potatoes
• carrots
• corn
• coconut milk
• tortillas
• bananas
• peanut butter
• baked corn chips and guac
• i swear, even on a fast/diet, i can gain weight.
• eating better has not helped me wake up with more energy, but it has helped me feel more awake once i'm actually able to get up. 
• no amount of good-for-you-food can give you enough energy to replace the need for naps. 
• i could eat an avocado, or i could eat at mcdonald's for a less-fat option.
• cooking can be fun.
• my recipe repertoire was far too limited!
• dishwashers are of God, yet dishes by hands is the Catholic way of earning my way to heaven. (was that wrong?)
• bananas are better brown, kiwis are best slightly soft, and there is no easy way to cut a mango. 
• banana-based faux-fro-yo and milkshakes are not only tasty, but there's not after-consumption tummy ache.
• i'm doing pretty fine without meat. 
• i like dates.  who knew?
• if you tell me no sugar, i will find every fruit on this earth to substitute (read: dates; pretty sure its God's original version of candy). 
• eating a batch of fudge-babies by yourself still is as bad as eating a batch of brownies (calorically speaking, even if its made out of "all natural" and "healthy" foods). 
• so sue me.
• egg rolls are vegan! and de-freaking-licious!
• quinoa and black bean burgers? i'm running a close second to Burger Up's $11 version.
• 6 people can make, and consume 25 egg rolls.  for the third time in a week.
• you CAN cook a good DF meal for those not on the fast, AND they will actually like it!
• you CAN say no to little debbie brownies.  and free diet coke and popcorn. 

i knew that the Lord was asking me to do this fast in agreement with the words "simple," "healthy," and "adventure," that He spoke over me for 2012.  it has been just that.  i can not explain how full (both spiritually and physically!) i've been over the past 20 days.  

it began as a challenge.  not only did i have to conquer a caffeine dependency and temptation of food, i had to overcome a bad attitude and bitterness that set in the first weekend when i was totally 'over-it,' and ready to give up.  it's funny; i was frustrated because i didn't see how this embodied simplify at all.  i was spending more time, and money, at the grocery than ever before.  i was spending so much time prepping the food that i barely had time to even eat it!.  but once God told me i was missing the point, something changed.  my schedule somehow managed to simplify.  i was able to come home, to nap, to go to the gym, and prepare dinner-- all in one school night.  i was spending more time in the kitchen and at the store, often making as many as 3 trips to different stores in a day, or hitting the grocery no less than 5 times in a week; yet, somehow, I had the time to actually do it.  perhaps even more miraculous, i found the joy to actually do that. 

i find myself innately checking the labels on anything and everything, even the things you would assume to be 'safe' items.  my stomach is feeling much better after meals.  unless they involved cabbage.  or black beans.  which is like, every meal.  then let's just say you shouldn't get too close.  but i do feel healthier.  not as lugging along sluggishly.  my attitude has been much better, and the Lord has restored a joy in my heart for cooking and taking on challenging adventures in the kitchen!  theres been a love and appreciation for the natural, for good-tasting food without additives or preservatives.  excitement in the surprise that something unassuming actually tastes good!  i guess i shouldn't be surprised; rather, that i should just start cooking everything in the ways it would taste best!

i'll take a lot away, mainly, thankfulness for the sacrifice of obedience i was able to walk in.  wait, what?  i am thankful that God had me fast some of my favorite, once-unnegotiable foods and pleasures?  I am thankful He asked me to sacrifice?  absolutely.  you wouldn't have known it that first weekend, and neither would i.  i was bitter, and angry, and didn't even want to continue it.  and now, here at the end, i sit thankful and amazed at what God did through the midst of my obedience.  it's amazing what He will call us into, and walk us through, when all we do is respond with a heart of obedience.  with Him, i am reminded, that all things are possible.

even three weeks without dessert or diet coke. 

rotten.

i'm not sure where the tears came from, but i'm thankful they've finally come.

it's been almost a week that i've wanted to cry, but much like an impenetrable fortress, they just couldn't break through the first layer.

God is so, so good.   and the harder i look at my heart in a hypothetical mirror, the more and more rotten it looks.  and not the good rotten, like how a brown banana tastes much sweeter.  but rather, the cold, stale, molding bowl of boiled peanuts i cringed and gagged at as i cleaned out the crock pot.

in brainstorming ways to bless a friend earlier, i had to keep telling that rotten part of my heart to tell my pride and ego to sit the eff down.  rotten.

i considered blessing beyond my means.  but i carefully, logically, calculated an amount that "wouldn't hurt" me to give.  rotten.

i considered again blessing beyond my means, and how to do so "humbly," but also, still be recognized for it.  rotten.

and i get home, only to have my sister call and tell me that she found that exact amount in a christmas card i left behind in florida; one i didn't even know had money in it.  again, God is good; and i, you see, i am rotten.

God takes care of the birds and the fields, and i'm worried that He won't take care of me, when in essence, He already knew and already had.  all i had to do was release what was never mine to begin with, and He was already there with something i never realized was (also never) mine to begin with.

Lord, i repent of my greed and selfishness.  of not being the woman that contributed her last two coins, giving until she felt it in her need.  of considering giving for the wrong reasons.  of being selfish with what i have.  of not trusting you to provide in my lack.  Lord, i thank you that you see this rotten mess that i am, and you love me in spite of it, and out of it.  thank you for wiping this heart free of the dirt and mold and showing me what it should look like, how it should resemble Yours.

sacrifice.

sac・ri・fice   [sak-ruh-fahys]
the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

***

last night, i was dreaming of this sunday.  literally.  i dreamt about bacon.  and that i went into a bar and had a beer (random), and greasy bar food like chicken strips.  it's true.  i've been drooling over the thought of all the deliciousness i was going to eat come sunday evening, and the end of my 10-day Daniel Fast.  the thought of an ice-cold diet coke sounded so good, that i even ordered one in my dream to accompany my beer. 


i made it. i've finally made it to the end of this journey, i've thought to myself. 


but something didn't just feel right.


even though my friends in our Tues. night fellowship were all doing the full 21 day fast, i had decided to do just a 10-day food fast, and giving up a few additional things for the duration of the three weeks as a way to signify simple and healthy (2012 words!).  but as i near the end of the fast, some itty-bitty voice from deep within was telling me to keep going (read: the Holy Spirit.  duh.  doesn't take an ordained minister to figure that one out). 


as i thought about it, i know that i came up with 10 days very logically, and even knew i had done the raw foods diet (very similar) for 10 days.  i knew that i could do this.  i could do 10 days.  but 21, only God could do that.  


so, I'm gonna let him.  I'm going to continue to fast for the duration of the time, and still make good on my other sacrifices to Him.  i'm excited.  i feel like this is still more of the adventure that he's promised me this year would be. 


what i gave Him as a sacrifice was enough; it was honorable, and a real good place to start from.  but the place i'm at now, even just 10 days later, i know He desires even more of me.  more than just something i can do.  so, here goes nothing! another 11 days! we've got this, Jesus!


in all honesty, i feel like i have come full circle in my outlook on this fast in just the past week.  last weekend, i was totally embittered by the inconvenience and the lack of indulgences.  but every day, i'm finding excitement in new recipes, the time to cook, and even have found myself dancing down the aisles of the international market to Brittany Spears in eagerness and excitement.  God has worked so much on my outlook about laying things down for Him, about putting too much dependence on certain foods, and about treating my body as a temple in which He resides.  


only by His grace and mercy can i continue evading temptation by once enslaving foods or finding joy in the monotonous process of preparing all my meals and snacks for each day.  but He is so much more worth a box of brownies or a can of diet soda.  He really is using this to rewire my tastebuds to be more of what He created them to be.   


so Lord, i sacrifice.  I surrender.  my body, my palate, even my passion for baking.  i surrender in pursuit of more of you.  of reliance on your strength instead of caffeine, of knowing that you truly are my portion.  that in my physical hunger, i am reminded of the imperativeness of spiritual hunger. 


we serve such a loving Father.  He truly wants the best for us, and the more we are willing to hand over to Him, the more blessings He will be able to grant us through the journey. 

simple saturday shenanigans.

today was exactly what every saturday should be composed of.  sleeping in, smoothies, catching up over Skype with friends across the seas.  starting week 3 of our running plan.  grocery shopping for hours, leisurely surveying each unique aisle at the international market. searching the world over for coconut butter.  creating my own recipes for black bean tortillas, and totally owning it (they are soft AND tasty!).  sharing my culinary delights with good friends.  spending time in the serenity of jesus' arms.

it has been a good day.  the Lord is so sweet on His sabbath.  rest in Him.

do you believe?

admittedly, i got home last night at a quarter 'til midnight, physically and emotionally exhausted after a long night of prayer, worship, study and fellowship at our tuesday night group.  rehashing my prayers and burdens to the Lord, i heard Him softly whisper:

do you believe that I am the God of the Bible?

Well, yeah.  of course.

Alright then.

boom. roasted.  He didn't even have to say anything else.  i knew what he meant.  here i was, casting the same cares on Him that i casted 45 minutes ago, and three hours, and yesterday, and ... you get the point.  here i was worried and doubting and mistrusting His ability to save and redeem.  all it took was a gentle reminder from Him of His power recounted through the Word.  Creator.  humble servant.  sacrifice.  resurrected.  He is a God of the impossible.  

if i believe He is truly the God of the Bible, then my worries are nothing compared to His power and might.  the desperate situations are minute compared to His ability to save.

rest and repentance.

God has shown me those two things in huge doses over the past few days; rest and repentance.

fortunately, we had a snow day on friday, and with today off for MLK, Jr. day, my weekend had doubled in size.  apparently, my sleep patterns had too.  at one point early in the weekend, I had counted 25 hours of sleep in a 48 hour period... just 5 hours before going to bed again!  all i know, was that my body, mind, and spirit has desperately needed the rest, and He is faithful to provide.  aside from a babysitting gig, helping a friend lead sunday school, and two church services, i have hardly done anything outside of my house, (or outside of making food and doing dishes, but i digress). truth be told, i'm still in my pi's and it's 1 p.m.!  granted i am gym-bound and then to the grocery, and i have spent the morning reading, worshiping, praying, and making the world's best smoothie (1/2 a mango, 1 whole ripe banana, 3/4 cup (or-so) of pineapple in its own juice, and some ice (sonic ice is the best!).  blend and enjoy.  thank me later).

God has also been teaching me a lot about obedience (which is how we will segue into repentance, in case the post seemed a little non-sequitar).  yesterday at church, i walked past the nursery and thought, hmm. i should check to see if they need any extra volunteers today.  i quickly talked myself out of it because i haven't had a service in a while in which i wasn't serving in one capacity or another and thought it just might be nice to really participate in the heart of our worship service.  so i kept walking, and told myself if they made an announcement, i would come volunteer.

well what do you know?  they announced they needed 2 volunteers ... i lean down to grab my bag and my water bottle ... for the 2- and 3-year-olds.  i put my stuff right back down under my seat.  i didn't really want to deal with the crazy two's and three's this morning.  quickly, two other volunteers stood, and i breathed a sigh of relief.  for about 5 seconds, before i realized how terribly selfish i was.

twice, i disobeyed God. in a span of maybe 5 minutes.  there was no rooster to remind me of how i denied jesus, just the conviction in my heart that left me feeling so sad and selfish.  he prompted me to check on a need before anyone even knew there was one, and i kept walking.  then, he asked me to fill it, and i hesitated.  

i'm thankful God is a God of second (or third, or seventy-seven) chances, but that doesn't mean i get to choose when i should obey Him or listen to His promptings.  for so long, i've been asking to hear His voice, to know that He is indeed speaking to me.  and the times He does, i don't respond in a way that glorifies Him.  it's no wonder why we question if He is speaking; because when He is we either tune Him out, or we choose ourselves over Him anyway. my heart is so repentant over my disobedience, but maybe fortunately, He is gracious enough to use this as a lesson to teach me about just how much He is speaking, if I would only care to listen and respond.

missing the point.

"you're missing the point," He said to me, through a myriad of frustrations.

you see, i knew it was Him.  amidst all the grumbling and negativity going on in my head as i debated whether or not to just throw the crummy rolling pin against the wall, His words countered every emotion i was feeling.

"you're missing the point."


ugh.  you're right God.  i know that i am.  i just don't quite know how to get the point.


you see, i thought this fast would be easy.  i've done it before for health reasons; it should be a cake-walk knowing He is on my side.  but after spending hours preparing--not even cooking-- food, this whole idea of fasting as a way to "simplify" my life seemed, well, far more complex than eating just about anything sitting in my pantry that i've mentally, temporarily, placed in quarantine.

so if it was going to be so easy, why was i on the verge of tears, barking my frustrations out at God?  why did this sacrifice for simplicity take so much more work and time and complicate the process further, reducing it to something that happened to be very-not-simple?

because i was missing the point.

simplifying isn't always about making life easier.  it's not about comfort.  it's certainly not about me being in control. perhaps, even more-so about being content when i'm not in control.

this fast isn't about me.  its about Him.  its about joyfully spending an hour to make 12 tortillas when i could've bought a pack that is readily available in substantially less time with far less frustrations. (no bitterness, i promise). it's about taking care of the temple he has entrusted me with, by concerning myself with what goes in it.  it's a way of illustrating, if only minutely, His sacrifice of life for me.

water is a simple, basic, necessity for life.  but some have to walk 6 miles to get it.  there is nothing simple or easy or convenient about that.  in a way, the inconvenience of this fast exists to remind me of how grateful i should be that i've been afforded the opportunity to have practically anything i want at my finger tips.

above all, this is about honoring the Lord.  my thoughts of frustrations and selfishness were far from honoring today.  i pray tomorrow i would come more meekly, eager to lay my self at the foot of His throne and hand over my expectations and self-declared rights.  its about making a commitment to serve Him, and following through no matter how difficult it may seem.

it may have not been what i wanted to hear, but i did hear the Lord speak today, and fasting is a good way to have clarity in what He is saying.  praying that tomorrow, what He has to say won't need to be correction. maybe by then, i'll get the point.