the wedding dress day.

like many posts, i will start this one by saying it *will* be short, because it is *late* and i need to be up *early*.

and like many posts, i likely will not stick to that.

but, God is doing a massive work in my life as of this week, and it is too exciting to at least not try to pen a bit about.

the gamut of emotion i have experienced in the past 24 hours in insane.  i can not tell you how much anxiety and un-rest i was feeling this morning.  it was heart wrenching beyond the point of tears.  it was an apparent move of the Lord to get me to surrender and walk in obedience, even when that obedience did not look like what i anticipated it to.

and as i walked with one foot in front of the other, hands trembling and stomach churning, His strength was perfected in my weakness.  in my humility, He was glorified.  and in one fell swoop, completely surrounded by His grace and love and mercy, His perfect peace not only covered me, but elevated me to an amount of joy, freedom, and excitement that I have not felt in years.  years!

i imagine that one day, i will try on a beautiful white gown, and i will feel such joy and excitement in knowing that this is it.  this is the one.  this fits exactly as if it were made for me. 

but today, in my single-dom, i feel an odd sense of peace in knowing that the way God is moving, the things He is stirring, the ways he is requiring me to walk in obedience and lay things down that looked like they fit, He is giving me such a joy and sense of excitement, knowing that this truly is it; this season fits exactly as if it were made for me.

because, it finally is. 

God's releasing me for great things this season.  I can't share about them here yet, but ask for your prayers as life is going to look a lot different in the months and years to come.

He has been renovating my heart in major ways in the past month, after spending the past three months being torture by anxiety and obsessing over "the 'right' will of God."  i feel as if i've been leading a double-life; not out of shadiness, or trying to hide anything.  but rather living 'stuck' in a life and the shell of a person that was no longer alive; verses the crying out of my heart to live how He has created me to be.

In the past month, since my revelatory visit to New Orleans (seriously, revelatory is putting it lightly.  God used that trip to practically wreck my life; and I'm thankful for it!), God has revealed to me the things that make me come to life.  and in seeing them, i've seen how dead i've become over the past few years.  sure, there have been pockets of amazing seasons, namely my times in Haiti being at the top of those lists, but overall, the person He has created my living soul to be has been stifled.  In seeing the parts come to life, I've realized how long those parts have been dormant, and I've realized the need to engage them for His kingdom, as well as to embrace my own created being and allow it to flourish.

God is finally granting me strength and vision and opportunity, and He is only beginning this process.  I feel like although I will be in the perpetual "what-the-H-am-i-supposed-to-be-doing-with-my-life?" question, that He's given me a lot of clarity on all of that in the past week, and I *almost* feel as if it's all beginning to make sense; that I won't be lost in this sea of wonder forever.

i am so, so, so grateful for His faithfulness.  For His peace like a river.  For his JOY!  Excitement!!!  The fact that I can literally stare at things in the face that have TERRIFIED ME to no end, and say "In Jesus name, you have no power/control/strength against me."  to walk out confrontation with humility and lowliness and risk disappointment, because i have been granted peace in knowing it is the right thing to do.

i am so, so excited for this season.  it's going to be a long one.  there's going to be a lot of newness.  and a lot of moments and opportunities to become overwhelmed and worried and anxious about days to come.  but that just means the Lord has even more of an opportunity to receive the glory as He enables me to walk with boldness, confidence, and a sound mind.