motherhood

So it's no big secret that I'm slowly inching towards thirty, and needless to say, I'm still single and definitely not a mother yet as I would have predicted as I entered this decade. I figure I might as well just get straight to the point, because there's really no way to tip-toe around the topic, and yet still be honest.

With babies becoming the new black among just about every one I know, it is hard to not be just the slightest bit envious of the idea of family that I've longed for for some time now. As if that wasn't hard enough, I get here to Cap Haitien and totally have fallen in love with these two sweet sisters, Lovemida and Christela. The moment I saw Lovemida, she came over, grabbed my hand, and begged to be picked up. She's hardly let me put her down since.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered what it would be like to take these two sweet girls home with me, (if only it were that easy!), but apparently Haiti has some pretty stringent rules about adoption, and I don't qualify as being 35 or married for 10 years. Yes, I did ask.

A few nights ago, I was overwhelmed with this desire for a family of my own. I felt the Lord calling me to my knees, so, I went to the only place i know I won't be interrupted by 62 Haitian children: my shower. And on the wet, tile floor, I spilled my tears until they mixed with the cold water spiraling down the drain.

do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God. And peace, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind in Christ Jesus. --Philippians 4:6-7

As I sat on the balcony to pray some more, Gaelle came up to sit with me. She's the sweetest, most beautiful, mature 11 year old you'll ever meet. And she's funny and sweet and I really enjoy her company, and I can't say that about many girls her age. With her head on my shoulder, she sighed and said to me, in English, "I love you."

And my eyes well with tears as they did that night, when Jesus spoke through the lips of an eleven-year-old girl, and told me He had heard my prayers.

You may not have a family in the American definition of the word, but look what I've entrusted to you. You have shown this child a mother's love. You may not have a child of your own, but see the 62 children of mine that I'm allowing you to love on and to love you?

And everytime I think of what I'm "missing out on," the things that the Lord has just not timed for me yet, a husband and a family, I can think of the moments that Christela has fallen asleep in my arms and I've carried her to her bed to tuck her in, or the six beautiful faces and sweet giggles I get every night at 8 when I go in to hug and kiss each one of them at bedtime, or sweet Lovemida as she asks me to pray over her when I put her to bed,-- or this well-timed moment that Gaelle just came to find me (hiding in the visitors dorm), to tell me goodnight and she loves me.

So no, I'm not married. And no, I'm not a mother in the biological sense of the word. but I have a world full of children that God has called me to love. What greater honor, what greater responsibility, than to care for the orphans of this world.

religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to care for orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained by the world. --James 1:27