I do the very thing I hate

As she choked back tears, I didn't even flinch. 

As they were confronted with the severity of the poverty, and the feeling of helplessness that accompanies it, I plugged in my headphones and barely took notice to the depth of despair on the other side of of the van window. 

As they saw Haiti for what it truly is, the third poorest nation in the world, I glassed over the dirt and scum and burning trash and saw nothing but beauty of creation.

I've forgotten the reality of Haiti, and seeing my TVC teammates be introduced to her via the staunch streets of Port au Prince, made me realize the callousness of my own heart.  I've become desensitized to the severity of the problem.  I've lost sight of my hope for repair for this country, even moreso, lost sight of the need for repair.

As the only one on my team that has been to Haiti before, I fielded questions like an expert.  I truly love to share my love of this country with others, but every word out of my mouth felt like arrogance and superiority.  It sickened me, but I could not stop it. I tried to season my words with lowliness, but it felt like nothing more than false humility.  I sat in a tension of sharing my love and knowledge and experience, but also not wanting to come off as a know-it-all or pointing every story to me and my experience here. 

For I do not understand my own actions. for I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. for I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me ... Romans 7:15-20

I could tell this was going to be a long drive. 

Somewhere in my past 6 weeks, something changed in my heart.  The part of me that was broken by my surroundings had become completely apathetic, unaware even, to them.  The part of me that had been concerned about sowing into the lives of others has twisted into pursuing my own selfish love of learning language, seeing sights, and acclimating myself to the culture, rather than ushering in a Kingdom culture.  The part that used to be enraged by the poverty that causes a child to beg or a parent to sell their children into slavery, is nothing less than annoyed when I'm asked for money, simply because I'm white. 

Somewhere, I traded out the new eyes that the Lord has given me, for a set of glasses so clouded by self-consumption and tinted with pride, too dark to see past my own reflection. 

This is not okay with me.

I long for the compassion that once drenched my heart and drove me to dream about change.  I want to choose to stay silent when my stories would rather say, "look at me!" I want to see Haiti, to se this world, as it truly is, and not neglect the need for reformation. 

My prayer for this week in Jacmel is that God would allow me to once more trade in my sin-stained glasses for His eyes. That He would enable me to see and feel for His children the way that He feels for them. That my heart would break over the brokenness in this world in the same way that His heart is broken for this world.  That I would ultimately feel the excrutiating pain He must feel to watch His people, the orphans, the voiceless, suffer while the rest of the world sleeps. I pray for new eyes, that wouldn't just register in my mind with images, but rather, be burned into my heart with a deep desire to see Haiti reached for Christ and redeemed under His grace and mercy. 

Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh, I serve the law of sin.  Romans 7:24-25