squirrels.
lots, and lots of squirrels.
"squirrels" are what my friends have dubbed my non-sequitar thoughts and interjections, often within my own stories or musings.
this day, and this recollection, is a family of squirrels. i've given the asterisks to at least separate one squirrel from the next.
i actually wrote this backwards. and then flipped it all. that was fun. did you see that? that commentary squirrel, right there? that one was free; won't cost you a dime.
***
it started to rain. that light, misty rain, that just begs you to channel your inner child and come out to play in it. i don't even like to run. i'd been banking on a nap since before my feet hit the floor this morning. but the unction within me was more than my own. He was calling me on a run with Him. there was an urgency i felt to go, now, even as i laced up my tennies and tracked down my headphones.
i begged Him for the rain to fall as I began to run. i set out not knowing if it would be just around the block, down the road, or until i returned drenched. my heart craved a downpour. it just felt right, like it would usher in an emotional release through the mixing of endorphins and precipitation.
the music from my earbuds traveled down to my feet as i praised Him to the rhythm of pounding pavement.
when the pieces seem too shattered, to gather off the floor. and all that really matters, is I can't feel you anymore. i can't feel you anymore.
cos i need a reason to sing, i need a reason to sing. i need to know that you're still holding the whole world in your hands. and i need a reason to sing.
when i'm overcome by fear, and i hate everything i know; if this waiting lasts forever, i'm afraid i might let go. i'm afraid i might let go.
cos i need a reason to sing, cos i need a reason to sing. i need to know that you're still holding the whole world in your hands. and i need a reason to sing.
will there be a victory? could you sing it over me now? You're peace is the melody; will You sing it over me now? will there be a victory? could you sing it over me now? You're peace is the melody; will You sing it over me now?
Cos I need a reason to sing. I need a reason to sing. I need to know that you're still holding the whole world in your hands. that is a reason to sing.
with my arms raised high, i praised Him through my run. the words sang out what my heart had felt. God, i need to know that you have all of this. it looks like everything is falling down around me. i've been waiting, and waiting. and honestly, i'm afraid i might let go; not because you've called me into surrender. but that it's just too hard to fight for any more.
***
during part of my run, i cried out to the Lord, "this is torture! why are you doing this to me?!" the run, the distinctly unique odor of garbage, the rotting cadaver of an unfortunate possum. the infinite beauty of a home and back yard and patio for entertaining that i'd never be able to afford to own. this is torture God. i don't even like running. i just want to go home. just let me go home.
honey, this is not torture, He replied.
i wish i knew what it was, but i know He at least told me what it wasn't.
as He zig-zagged me through my neighborhood, i canvased between streets two, three, even four times. there was an urge to continue that was not in my body, not even in my heart. at each street corner, i asked Him which way to go, when i could return home. i passed my house or street at least five times, asking Him if i could return home. the answer was always no. i never tried to change His mind, but i sure let Him know that i didn't want to do this any more. even though i wanted to quit and go home, i knew he said to keep going. so, i kept going. i kept running or walking or turning left or right or straight, wherever he said. and i understood none of it. none. of. it.
***
in hindsight, the Lord was asking me to follow Him. in obedience. He was asking me if i would go left if he said left. if i would stick with it, even if i wanted to give up. He wanted to see if I would be faithful in the little things. would i say yes, even if i didn't understand why? or what? or how? or even where? i literally don't have to understand A-N-Y of this. i just need to walk (or, run in this case) by faith, alone.
***
random squirrels:
sometimes, the Lord leads you through the alley ways of life.
alleys are anonymous; you're not likely to run into anyone you know. it's a place to be hidden, concealed; yet also, not put on display.
they only mimic their named counterparts; the avenues and roads and streets and boulevards that get all the acclaim, and garner all the addresses.
the facades of the homes are pristine and well-manicured, landscaped and inviting. but its the alley that all the junk you've hoarded all your life is dealt with and brought to the curb.
alleys stink. they are lined with trashcans and compost and recycling receptacles.
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