psalm 143

denial. anger. bargaining. depression. acceptance.

outlined in the now-famed "of death and dying," and "of grief and grieving," these 5 stages of grief help give structure to the framework of emotion one experiences when grieving a loss.

i think i'm currently somewhere between 4 and 5, although 2-4 seemed to come tightly knit, like russian cousins.  and in true God fashion of expediency, i was still on stage 1 monday.

no one i know has died, but i am feeling a loss of a dream.  i've been struggling with how to deal, with what to think; whether i should fight and contend, or relinquish hope into His hands and say i surrender.  honestly, i have no answer.  i feel like God has been silent on this one, and if we're honest here (and in these parts of the netborhood, we are), that troubles me.  if we're really honest, i'll confess that part of me wants to give up contending because it is so exhausting and if it's going to happen or not seems to already be in His hands, so what's the point?

i know He is faithful in all things; and i trust His judgment better than my own.  but sometimes, it just really makes me really sad.  if we're being totally real about emotion, and the final ability to experience it, i am sad because i have willingly given my control over, knowing that the outcome is not what my heart desires, and still knowing i won't try to pick up the controller either.  so i think it's only fair that i lament that.  i don't want to control it, but i just want to be honest before the Lord that this hurts.

the not-knowing feels like intentional disregard.  the silence feels like abandonment.  the ripping away of dreams that fill my lungs feels like the very breath being taken from my diaphragm.  dreams that He created me with.  why would he rip them away?  who gives candy to a baby, and then takes it away?  that's just cruel; we learn that almost immediately out of the womb.

i feel one of two things.  well, more like a million of a billion, but we'll settle for the cliche.  i feel like God promised me something, and went back on His word; or I feel like I've missed His voice, and made it all up.  neither of them leave me feeling very confident, in Him, or in my ability to hear Him.

i'm bawling for the first time in a really long while, and it's freeing.  it's because i'm pouring out emotions that i'm actually experiencing, and i'm able to put to words something i'm feeling.  this is a release i've been waiting for.  although, i'd rather feel broken over the depravity of humanity, or the beauty of His grace and mercy, or ... well anything but actually feeling personally crappy.

what really sucks is that i feel like if Haiti doesn't work out, because I sat and waited for months obediently, seeking the Lord and not moving without Him, I feel like I would seriously just do whatever with my time this summer.  Take a trip, go to Ireland.  Finally go to the Keys.  who knows, who cares.  I would spend it, still a Christian, still looking for opportunity to serve the Kingdom, but not with the intention of that.  That is my intention in Haiti; and there's this wall that looks like a fortress that no amount of walking in circles and blowing on horns will bring about its fall.

that's what gets me.  the one place i want to go, the one thing i feel called to do, and theres a blasted padlock on the door.  everyone else can get it, but i've not been given the code.  it's really frustrating, and God, if we're being honest, and you're a big God and you can take it, but it makes me angry.

yet, still, I know Him to be faithful.  I know He operates with eyesight much more keen than ours.  i know He cares more about our holiness and goodness and His relationship with us than we could ever attempt to feign.  pendulum swing, and i feel inauthentic lauding Him with praises of faithfulness when I feel so abandoned from Him.

i hope in my honesty, i have not sinned.  God, this is so hard.  my hope is in You, not in Your favor upon me. but i have to be honest.  david was honest in His cries to the Lord in Psalm 143 (which He totally lead me to in the word tonight).  you can read it here, in the ESV as i read it in my Bible, but there is something about this verse in The Message that brought such a connectedness over it, literally after i had completed this post with "David was honest in His cries to the Lord in the Psalms," written above. 

1-2 Listen to this prayer of mine, God; pay attention to what I'm asking. Answer me—you're famous for your answers! Do what's right for me. But don't, please don't, haul me into court; not a person alive would be acquitted there. 3-6 The enemy hunted me down; he kicked me and stomped me within an inch of my life. He put me in a black hole, buried me like a corpse in that dungeon. I sat there in despair, my spirit draining away, my heart heavy, like lead. I remembered the old days, went over all you've done, pondered the ways you've worked, Stretched out my hands to you, as thirsty for you as a desert thirsty for rain. 7-10 Hurry with your answer, God! I'm nearly at the end of my rope. Don't turn away; don't ignore me! That would be certain death. If you wake me each morning with the sound of your loving voice, I'll go to sleep each night trusting in you. Point out the road I must travel; I'm all ears, all eyes before you. Save me from my enemies, God— you're my only hope! Teach me how to live to please you, because you're my God. Lead me by your blessed Spirit into cleared and level pastureland. 11-12 Keep up your reputation, God—give me life! In your justice, get me out of this trouble! In your great love, vanquish my enemies; make a clean sweep of those who harass me. And why? Because I'm your servant.

to be honest, i wrote all this and decided not to publish it; i didn't want people to read and see the painful struggle of heart and flesh and spirit at first.  but after seeing David's heart, and how mine so mimicked everything he already felt, i was encouraged to know that my feelings, my emotions, we're legitimate, and was reminded that we can be honest before the Lord with that.  and if we can be honest to God, we can be honest with each other, especially when still pointing to what we know to be truth.  He. IS. faithful.