a cleansing love

my classroom should qualify as a national disaster emergency. there is never enough time in the day to straighten every nook and cranny, file away every master copy; check, grade, return and stuff worksheets into the folders of 18 half-human, half-tasmanian devils, or throw away the eleventeenth plastic straw wrapper from those wretched, over-sugared capri sun's. and the book shelf?! they can't even read, let alone make sure the books are returned to their categorical tubs or places on the shelf based on their seasonal topic or subject matter.

needless to say, the last thing to get cleaned is my white board. full of marker dust from weeks passed, the smudged red-and-blue-makes-purple is a faint reminder of just how dirty the board is. when i remove a magnetized sign that typically hangs in a permanent spot, i am even more reminded of how dirty the board is in comparison with its pristine (albeit, generally hidden) counterparts. even with my special Expo brand dry-erase-eraser (oh, yes), there is this thin, filmy rainbow residue that reminds me, mocks me!, that it's just not all that clean.

even beyond the visible mockery, the kids have joined in on it, too! "ms. debaylo! i can still see it! it still says 'like' and 'play!'" at least they are getting their sight-words in for the day. i just feel another stick in the side as a reminder of yet anotherthing that is awry in my classroom.

they just think it is entirely all-too-wonderful that they can still see the past on the board, even when it's been wiped clean.

***

so do we.

Jesus has washed our hearts with only the purest of water. He has cleaned our slate, completely, leaving no residue behind. He keeps no record of our wrongs, and unlike my ever-honest 5-year-olds, He doesn't constantly remind us of just how dirty our past was before He wiped it clear. it is completely, utterly, unfathomably beyond me as to how He can look at us with perfect forgiveness, but He has.

Hebrews 8:12 "For I will be merciful to their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more."

dear friends, i hope you know and have experienced this freeing feeling of infinite forgiveness. abide in the grace and mercy of the Lord and allow His love to penetrate the cavernous parts of your hearts that have not yet allowed to be brought into the light. it will change your life. He will change your heart.

untitled

I just turned down the covers in this four post bed, in a homey, wooden cabin in the mountains of east Tennessee. A candle flickers in a Masson jar, with the scent of vanilla almost as sweet as the laughter I'm missing out on from the other side of this closed bedroom door. I think I needed this more than I ever realized.

send someone else

we've all been there. in that seemingly precarious spot, wedged deep between a rock and a hard place. wondering how we got ourselves into the mess, how we'd ever manage to get out, and why, why!, did God allow us to wind up in this place; perhaps again, or perhaps where someone else would be more apt to handle it.

or maybe its that place where we feel jesus tugging at our hearts with the gentle whisper of conviction, and we brush it off as a seasonal chill. God certainly can't be talking to me. i am not (insert character trait here) enough. He would certainly use someone stronger in their faith to lead. more humble. more sacrificing. more kind-hearted and compassionate than i. smarter than i. with more time than i.

even Moses found himself here. after God reveals Himself to Moses through that whole burning bush incident (via Exodus 3), and tells him He is going to use Him to free the enslaved children of Israel out of Egypt, Moses tries to mosey (pun intended) his way out of the situation.

err... Who am I that I should go...? he said to GOD. (i scoff, because HOW often do we say this, to GOD?! He knows best. always. and we argue it until our stubborness becomes too stubborn, until we either finally concede, or we miss out on what the Lord has planned for us; plans to use us! how foolish are we?!)

in the latter part of exodus 3, and the first half of chapter 4, i witness both the gentleness and patience of the Lord. you see, Moses was like us; human. like you and me, he had all these questions. he wanted to know details, specifics, how this would work. what's God's name? how would Israel believe he encountered God? what if they didn't believe him? still didn't believe him?

God in His divine patience (remember, He's God; He does not have to answer all of our questions!) walked through the play-by-play with Moses. with each of Moses' questions, He spoke in absolutes. i counted 13 times within these 23 verses where God said explicitly "I will," or "he/they will." now, i'm no mathematician, nor am I a theologian; however, that is an awful lot of promises from a pretty important person. but, aha! God is actually faithful to do what He says.

to comfort Moses and explain His plans for him, God told Moses that:

• I will bring you up out of the affliction of Egypt. (3:17)
• They will heed your voice. (v. 18)
• The King of Egypt will not let you go. (v. 19)
• So, I will stretch out my hand and ...
• ... (I will) strike Egypt with all my wonders,
• which I will do in its midst, and after that,
• he will let you go. (v. 20)
• And I will give this people favor. (v. 21)
• Then it will be, if they do not believe you, nor heed the message of the first sign, that they may believe the message of the latter sign... (4:8)
• Now, therefore, go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall say. (v. 12)
• When he sees you he will be glad in his heart. (v. 14)
• And I will be with your mouth and with his mouth,
• and I will teach you what you should do. (v. 15)

all of that to say ... the Lord is FAITHFUL and TRUE! and Moses, even Moses!, needed reminding of that! we are all in desperate need of that reminder, daily, moment-by-moment even! how often are we to question what God speaks to our hearts!? how often do we doubt ourselves, our worth in Him even?! friends, hear this: God loves you! He loves you! and He is faithful to whatever promise He is speaking to you in this very second!

back to us for a second: because, after all, we're going to forget it soon enough anyway. Moses is still trying to lather up with oil to slide on out of what God has just asked Him to do. just like us, he goes on and on about why he is not cut out for the job:

"O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither before nor since You have spoken to Your servant; but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue." (4:10)

and what does God respond with? You're right, Moses. You've persuaded me. I'm gunna use Jim instead.

ummmm-- nope.

God's response is "who has made man's mouth? (i did). or who makes the mute, the deaf, the seeing, or the blind? (yup; me too.) Have not I, the Lord?" and he charges him again: "Now, therefore, go, and I will be your mouth and teach you what you shall say.

then we see Moses again, begging to see his name removed from the hat. "o my Lord, please send by the hand of whomever else you may send."

been there? guilty.

can we persuade God? no.

but we can miss out on what He has for us.

and we can anger Him with our disobedience.

"so the anger of the Lord was kindled against Moses..." (v. 14).

ooooooh boy. i would NOT like to have that kindling beneath me. think of what a man for the Lord Moses was. and think of what he could've been had he not angered the Lord and did what God was asking him to do. i wonder what a great man like Moses missed out on. thankfully, the mercy and grace of the Lord is redemptive, and God still used Moses in mighty ways to press His kingdom forward.

what is the Lord calling you to that you are trying to ignore? trying to explain yourself out of it with all the reasons why you can't or shouldn't? what steps should you take to find your obedience rooted in the Lord at His call?

God can still use you. it is not too late. hear His voice. heed His call. run after Him. trust Him to be the fulfiller of all his 'I will'-s.

beautiful.

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all

Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy

Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

Bethany Dillon - Beautiful

a rise from the monday-ne

humbling and encouraging, one of my little ones broke the news to me monday morning:

"Ms. DeBaylo, you're not getting mad!"

taken aback, i scoffed and said, "what do you mean 'i'm not getting mad'?'

after a discourse, he arrived at the conclusion (on his own!) that i get mad and yell when i can't be heard. and i can't be heard because they talk to much.

ah the wisdom of a child.

what struck me most, however, was that they noticed. they noticed i was different. that i was slow to anger. kind-hearted. gentle. that i was enjoying my time with them that morning. little did they know, jesus had answered a prayer for them.

you see, it's been below freezing for what seems like the longest winter on the books. the sun has taken its mid-day siesta and vowed to not return until well after the groundhog had deemed it appropriate. and i've been sick, in bed, for 2 weeks with an ear infection and sinus infection. every waking moment was spent in the classroom; the rest, in solace.

long story short: seasonal depression has been driving my mood. to negativeville.

so monday morning, getting on the interstate to head to work, i cried out to God.

jesus, please. take this cup from me. the sickness, the misery, the negativity. replace it with your joy. your strength. your love. allow me to be patient. slow to anger. kind and gentle-hearted. allow a superfluous amount of joy to manifest in my teaching. remind me that i love my job. that i can find joy in the day-to-day. allow today to be different. this week to be different. even here, in this moment, i struggle to have hope. to have joy. replace that with your outpouring of grace.

so when my little trouble maker hit the nail on the head (about their behavior) and also recognized a change in my demeanor, i was remarkably encouraged. humbled, too; that my negativity had been transparent enough for a 5 year old to discern. nevertheless, those kids witnessed the transformational power and love of Christ, whether they know it or not.

and that, my friends, was the best monday i've had all year. (i even left before my self-mandated monday=late day, AND got to the gym ... all before Famlee dinner!)

his mercies are new every morning. amen. i'll need them, for sure.

jesus was a raindrop

i stood at our second-story sink, looking out the window as the sky darkened, yet the world turned white.

i watched as the snow, all but coming down in buckets, still seemed as if it was floating effortlessly to its final resting place on our window sills and windshields. i thought how so often, i am a snowflake. i never know where i'm going to wind up; am at the mercy of the wind or the other million snowflakes falling and blowing and competing for a place in the shadows.

but rain, rain is different. its as if each drop is well intentioned in its fall. it is purposed-- it's purpose is to meet with the ground as soon as it can. it knows exactly where it is headed, does not detour. i bet jesus was a raindrop.

i want to be more like jesus. but shouldn't i be content to be a snowflake? limitless, and unbound by society (but not the rebellious ones that froze up and made the better half of nashville a giant slip-n-slide for traffic; albeit with one of the longest lines recorded); shouldn't i relish in not being constrained by obligations, yet knowing still being aware of, and fulfilling, my priorities?

after all, the snow melts. and the same molecules are left, exactly where they were intended to be.

rest assured.

i should've known that with the gracious 12 hours of sleep and 4 hour nap yesterday, i didn't stand an ice cube's chance in haiti to get good rest last night. it was actually very disturbing rest, and i'm not so sure i could even classify it as rest.

the second my head hit the pillow, my throbbing left sinus canals filled and glued themselves shut. rotating myself like a chicken on the rotisserie, i was still never able to get comfortable enough to sleep. i looked at the clock: 12:42. i hadn't yet slept. from then on, i was in and out of consciousness, but i don't think i got more than 3 hours total between checking the clock sometime in the 1, 3, and 5 o'clock hours.

i found myself praying in my bouts of consciousness, my body so tired, wanting rest; yet my symptoms so strong, fighting against it. i even went as far as casting any demons out of my sinus cavities, should there have been any that managed to pass the fortified snot-stuffed gates. as i was praying God's healing touch over my body, and passing from a state of awareness into rest, i really felt like a spiritual fight taking place; and truthfully, it was exhausting.

i dreamt that i was praising the Lord and rebuking Satan, and his little minions were mocking me and saying "satan isn't real, satan isn't real." it was rather disturbing.

when i awoke, i already heard the voice of truth whispering in my ear: "He loves you so much. You are so beautiful to Him." it was being repeated over and over within my heart; a calming self-(or spirit)affirmation that lead me again into contentment despite my loss of sleep and increased frustration with my inability to breathe.

i love, that even in the midst of a frustrating nights sleep, the Lord can whisper truths to your heart. on days that i feel far from worthy or without any semblance of beauty, He can remind us how much He truly and passionately loves us. even without physical rest, we can rest assured of His love for us.

infectious

tonight, i'm going to bed content.

my teeth hurt from my sinus infection. and my nose hurts. and my sinuses, and definitely my head. the viscosity of my snot is somewhat similar to superglue as it dries. and when i sleep, my eyes are seeping some of this superglue, a clue to me that my sinuses are really overloaded and trying to burst at the seems.

but i've slept 15 hours in the last 30, and am about to get another 7 in. praise Him for sweet rest.

i had a sweet heart-to-heart with the Lord tonight. not out of panicked emotion, anxiety, or heartache. not even out of headache (although i could petition Him a thousand times over to ease this debilitating pain). but out of a somber, yet content, "i-know-i'm-on-the-right-path, even-when-it-sucks-to-be-here," kind of way.

so headaches and infections aside, i'm content. and as long as this pain that is radiating into my jaw doesn't keep me up too much longer, i will rest assured tonight, knowing that Jesus truly is my comforter and my All in All.