wednesday, i got an email for a mass interview.
thursday, i interviewed and got called back in 30 minutes for another.
friday, i interviewed with a panel, and got called back in 30 minutes and was offered the job. an hour later, i had my key and saw my classroom.
saturday, i started setting up my classroom and making my (now daily) trips to walmart and the dollar store. i came home at 11 p.m.
sunday, i returned to finish my classroom, with help from a few friends (praise the Lord for that, too!).
monday, i started teaching.
and i feel as if that is how fast it has happened too. gosh, just the other day, i was shopping for an interview dress.
and tuesday came, with mental and emotional overload. the thoughts began to swirl: what if i couldn't get the hang of it? would i always spend 12+ hours a day at the school? how could i ever have a family? will i ever get to go to the gym? what if i don't like it? what if i fail?
as i bawled and sobbed on my way to school, and said all of my fears out loud, it was as if God used my own voice to tell me: "it will come." and in the midst of my tears, as what came from my mouth registered from in my ears, i began to sob more. thankful to know that it will come. i will get the hang of it. i will reach a point where i feel comfortable and confident. but the scary part is that its not any time soon.
the anguish subsided throughout the day, as i slowly got to a place where i at least felt ready for the next day (today). but that, too, subsided when i got home and began working on things and thinking about how much i didn't know; how i didn't want to fail at this. another breakdown; and thankful for good friends that are able to remind me of who I am and what I've been able to accomplish. Also thankful to just have an ear to cry to.
today went well. it was my first full day, and honestly, i'm quite pleased with it. there were moments my heart smiled. there were moments (the kissing hand) that my eyes welled with tears and i had to pause before i cried. and there were moments that i felt like everything is going to be alright.
i stayed at the school til about 6:20. i told myself i would leave when my desk was clean. that meant i had some filing to do, some hot gluing, sorting, updating email lists, you name it. as i left, not planned for tomorrow, nor with my centers all set up, i still felt like i was leaving accomplished. i felt like i was at a point that i could walk away. and sometimes, you just have to.
going over my notes from this very date last year in my K internship, i wrote down a quote from my favorite Kinder, Stokes: "But it's good to be nervous." underneath i had written an epiphany that comforted my heart, then and now: "it means you're taking a risk or facing a fear and hoping for something better."
i'm nervous alright.
(and i came home really strong, showered, got in bed to be mindless at 7:30, and here come the tears again. please pray.)
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